I was wondering what kind of person would knowingly pursue, sleep, etc. with another's spouse. I just don't get it. How can that person be so stupid and desparate? How can the OP hurt another person so bad and when exposed just leave town and leave her mess for us to clean up? Can someone answer this for me?

What does it matter what kind of person they are? While its obvious to you and me that they're not thinking of anyone but there own interests, that doesn't change anything.

Generally, the OP isn't worth trying to figure out what kind of person they're worth. You're served far better by focusing your efforts and concern on ENDING the affair, rather than trying to figure OP out.

I understand what you're saying but I was just wondering. Throughout my research on affairs, I have found a multitude of information on the WAS, but not much on the OP - what drives them into an A. You're right it doesn't matter, but I was hoping to hear from some people who may know what would cause the OP to belittle themselves so much.

Kinda sounds to me like you want to put most of the blame of an affair with the OP......I say its at LEAST 50-75% the WS to blame. The WS is in the committed relationship and its their responsibility to say NO to the OP aggression. That is what I do. The OP is a predator and there is no need to figure them out. Just say no thanks, Im married.

Ummmm....If both are married the WAS is also someone elses OP. If you understand one you understand the other.

I would say that in my case, it was simple curiousity that drove the OM to have an A with my FWW. While he was interested in her, he certainly didn't fall in love with her. And the issue of her being M'd did not come up because my FWW NEVER discussed or even mentioned me or our M when she was with him. Yes, he knew that we were M'd, but that was about it: my FWW expressed no personal interest in our M, so why should he? To him, she was just another available woman.

Not,

Like WS, OP are self obsorbed. They are certainly no more guilty of betrayal than the WS is. In my case, I really hated the OW for a long time and also wondered how anyone could do something so hateful to someone that had never harmed them.

I finally woke up and realized that OW didn't betray me, my FWH betrayed me. OW actually betrayed herself more than she did me. In the end, she actually lost more than she gained by stealing time with my FWH.

I am a bit concerned about you Not. I think I mentioned to you before that someone here once advised me not to divorce until I could do so without regret or doubt. They compared it to buying a loaf of bread. I think it was good advice and I don't think you are there yet.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, I just fear that you might regret divorcing.

Who

In my case, the OW is a person who has had ONLY dysfunctional relationships.

She has such a strong fear of being alone that she will cross any boundary that she is allowed to cross to prevent that from occurring.

She has slept with another married man who was also a co-worker prior to her A. with my WH. She experienced no fall out for her actions in that situation since she high tailed it out of town as well and found a new job shortly there after it was exposed. So she felt she could repeat this behavior and have the same results.

My guess is that she is someone who is self centered and refuses to see how her actions hurt other people. Her fear of being without a man drives her actions.

So overall, I would say that fearfulness mingled with unrestrained selfishness in certain areas is probably the most obvious characteristic in this particular OW.

However, others may have different reasons for doing what they do.

Just my 2 cents.

Sara

Maybe is some of these married people would say no to the OP......the problem would be improved.

Not to make light of the situation but I never really got that mad at the OM. I would not really advise anyone to spend one minute worring about them. They don't even matter in my world.

What I do see on these boards is people really angry and calling the OP a predator. Especialy men angry at the OM and I understand that maybe that is done so they are not angry with their own wayward spouse and they can heal their marriages.

But here is how I look at it. I took vows with my wife and not the OM. I don't expect the OM to care one bit about my family, kids or me. I would expect the OM not to give me one thought. I know he wanted to have sex with my wife and when I think about it I am sure a lot of other men may have wanted to do the same.

I had a wedding with my wife. I made vows to never do that in front of god and our families. She made vows to forsake all others and to not betray me. She broke vows to me the OM did not. Now I know the OM slept with her friend to who knows how many other women.

All she had to do was not sleep with another guy and our marriage would have survived and our kids and us would be together. I guess I only care about the one who took vows with me. I am not going to be worried about every other man out there. I only had to worry about one person but she failed me. I just wish she would have been strong enough to keep her vows to me. So like I said I guess I expect another guy to not care about my vows but I really wish my XW would have cared enough not to betray me.

So true.



Again, spot on. Of course the OM in my case is a true idiot... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Feeling the rage at your own spouse can be so damaging, but it's probably necessary in the long run. I was so mad at OM until there was a particular watershed event when my anger at WS hit me like a tidal wave. I let her have it and it felt good. I was no longer enabling, cowering or avoiding. She was genuinely taken aback.



IHE, that is the fundamental realization I've resisted coming to, but now I'm with you. It is HER failing, not the predator. If not him, then some other weak soul would happen along. You can't defend against them, you can only help strengthen your marriage.

In the words of Jethro Tull... "I may make you feel, but I can't make you think..."