Post deleted by jdes

Suuuuuure she didn't remember.

Unless she is a total alcoholic and is blacking out, I call BS.

Okay...she's either telling the truth, in which case she was raped (unable to render consent)...or it's a smokescreen.

Suggest you ask her to file a police report. They will come out and do a rape kit on her. Make sure you preserve the underwear she was wearing that night, as there may be DNA evidence on it that can tie the attacker to her. If her friends know the name of her attacker, that should go into the police report.

She needs to stop drinking and get counseling for it, or start going to AA meetings (or both). If she drinks enough to black out and have sex with some guy once, she can do it again - or try to drive when she shouldn't, and hurt herself or someone else.

She also needs to get some friends who are pro-marriage. Pro-marriage friends don't let married friends get blind stinking drunk and go off with some random guy.

If she isn't willing to do these things (or professes to not see a need for them) then I would treat that as a serious red flag.

Finally, I was going to suggest you hold off on SF until she's had an STD test and gotten her period once, but you've already gone there.

How old are you guys? How long have you been married? Kids?

Post deleted by jdes

Hey Bit,

you beat me to post the same thing about rape, police, pregnancy, drinking and STD's.

Does she go out often with her own friends like this?

Did she come home that night?

Where were her friends when she was raped?

I'm having a very hard time believing the W's version of the story. The stickler for me - that fact that her friend texted that particular message to her afterwards, asking how things turned out. It suggests that her friend knew that she was interested in that OM.

H*ll - I trusted my wife completely too - right up to the day she told me that she had been carrying on an A for two years with a coworker <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Jdes, why are you here? What is your question? How would you like us to help you?

You've had four people tell you varying degrees of a big problem exists, up to your wife is full of sh**, yet you dismiss these things. You don't sound like someone who wants or needs help....what do you want?

Jdes............your wife had an affair. Plain and simple. Where did she black out at? His apartment? His car? Where did her friends go? How did your wife get home?

Post deleted by jdes

I pray you both can recover from what happened and God bless you for being such a supportive and understanding husband. Just another betrayed spouse can understand the pain it cause to you. Still you love her and you are able to forgive and figth for your marriage. It is imposible to racionalize the 'affair' specially if she was drunk. Nothing really can help your mind and give it peace about an affair. It happened and you have to deal with, you will find out that dwelling in the details doesn't help.
The best help I found is the 'Surviving an affair' method Dr. Harley proposes. If you both follow it, you will survive and have a happy marriage.
God Bless you,

In other words, there was some sort of consent involved..?



I take it that you talked to that friend then? What did she have to say about the interaction between your W and the OM prior to seeing them get into her car? What did she say about how they were interacting with each other while they were in the car?



Good choices, but I'm wondering if they're been taken out of her recognition of her bad choices, or if she's simply trying to appease you.

No, I think you are the only one here whose wife had an affair she can't remember.


No that did not happen yet either.

Your other posts here indicate that you and your wife have been struggling with intimacy for some time. Are you looking at the MB concepts and information regarding emotional needs? Are you meeting her top emotional needs? Do you know what her top emotional needs are?

Start reading everything here and get a copy of His Needs Her Needs for you both to read. Get the Emotional Needs Questionnaire available on this web site and get busy.

Regardless of how you chose to view what happened to your wife that night one thing is clear; she is vulnerable if not seeking to have an affair. Those windows have to be closed.

If you really see this as an opportunity then you both need to make changes and set boundries. If you just go back to "the same old" you will soon be back to "the same old."

I haven't been.


I think such blind trust is foolish, given what happened. Put your LEO hat on for a minute. Have you checked phone, email, and text records? Did she have a history with this guy? Sure, it could have happened exactly as she said, but maybe it didn't.


Fair enough. Us civilians tend to throw the word 'rape' around as a blanket term for everything from the use of roofies to having a go at the passed-out sorority girl to the guys who grab you off the street and hold a knife at your throat. In this case, we have someone who had intercourse with a woman who was unconcious or otherwise unable to render consent. Would that be termed sexual assault? If I understand right, it wouldn't be called aggravated because no weapon or threat was involved, yes?

'Rape' or 'sexual assault', she has been violated and a crime has been committed - IF her story is true.


Have you questioned this friend? Or is this coming to you via your wife? What was this guy doing in your wife's car?