Ark,

I agree - some men would just throw in the information about the strip club just because they go by the "it's okay for boys to be boys" crap. If that was the only thing going on, I probably would not have pursued it.

What pretty much started the whole mess was when he became very interested in the computer four years ago. Up until then, he pretty much didn't use it at home. I kept asking him what the attraction was all of a sudden and he said the guys at work were sending him jokes. I took it at that and never even thought to check anything out. Upon returning from our first real vacation alone in 30 years, he immediately started downloading the pictures from our camera. I, of course, was busy doing all the things you have to do after being gone from home for a week. To make a long story short, I later got into the pictures (he had fallen asleep later that evening) and accidentally came across one of a naked girl his brother had sent him. From there, I did a little checking and found some other porn sent to him by some guys and also many emails from a couple of women at work. One woman in particular.

I wish now I would have remained calm until I had a chance to think things over but I just blew up because I felt like he was hiding all of this from me and deceiving me by telling me it was just jokes from guys. The woman had even sent him her picture from a seminar she had gone to at work. I discovered he had taken a picture of himself on our vacation and sent it to her.

This woman had a young son with cancer and everyone in the office had gone out of their way to support her. My husband even went to visit the boy in the hospital (a little out of character for him) but he said he really felt bad for her. And, of course, she was having marital problems and discussing them at work with him and others.

Her work # appeared on the cellphone bill many times, although the calls were very brief. My husband claimed they were all business related (which may or may not be true). Anyway, he has denied any feeling for this woman at all other than "just a friend". I don't think it had gone beyond that but I'm not 100% sure. He immediately stopped emailing her - at least on our home computer. I have no idea what he's doing on his work computer but he claims he is not in touch with her and hasn't even seen her for about a year since she now works in another building.

A few months back, I discovered that he had done a search on her name. That started the whole thing up again. He claims it was because someone told him there is a lot information about people online and he said he checked our names and found nothing and thought of her because she is not very computer literate and would not know to go and find the information and try to have it removed. That sounded rather unbelievable to me - that he would just pick her name out of all the people he knows.

Anyway, the porn has been an ongoing thing. He feels since he did not go out and look for the porn, that it was okay. He says he didn't save it, that he would just look at it and delete it. I say it doesn't matter how you chose to get it - it's still porn. I have found several movies over the years that he has tried to sneak into the house.

Soon after finding the search on the woman's name on the computer is when I came across the map with the strip club noted on it. I guess with all the other things going on and the fact that he lies to me continually about little things made me very suspicious about what went on all those years. He did travel a lot and still occasionally is required to travel.

Overall, we are very close and he is a good husband. It's just that I feel like he's two different people - one person when he's with me and another when I'm not around. I don't like feeling like he is sneaking behind my back. I do think he is still possibly watching porn and I still don't know how I feel about the issue with the woman at work. To make matters worse, he has a job where he can work from home quite a bit but also is on call 24/7. So, the pager can go off at any time and he will have to leave. I don't worry so much about that as the fact that he pretty much has the house to himself all day while I'm gone at work.

I guess I was hoping beyond hope that he would pass the test and that would be that. I'm a little annoyed that the test was not fully explained to me by the examiner, especially since I asked about asking questions not all on one topic. He said it could be done. So, now I know he failed the one about porn and the one about the strip club but I don't know about the other two relating to the woman. The examiner never really answered me except to say that the test was comprised or something to that effect.

My husband swears that he didn't know why the guy kept telling him he was failing the test. As far as the porn issue, he finally stated he had gotten a joke from a guy at work that contained a picture of a naked woman. He said he didn't really consider that porn so answered the question with a "no". I feel if he didn't consider it porn, it wouldn't have showed that he was lying.

The same with the strip club question. The examiner kept saying strip club when they spoke before the test but during the test (or retest on the question)I think he said a club with dancers. My husband said when he failed, the guy asked him if he had been to a bar with dancers. He said years ago he had been but didn't consider it a strip club.

My husband is very good at splitting hairs and that's another thing that concerns me. I feel like he's always looking for a way out. There's always some explanation or coincidence.

As far as where I go from here - I don't know. We had a long talk yesterday that went well but I can't help but feel like there are more things going on than I know about. How do you ever get over that feeling?

Ark, thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond.

NOTE: I was having trouble replying on my original post so will try starting a new one. Hope this works!

but I can't help but feel like there are more things going on than I know about. How do you ever get over that feeling?

what do you believe is going on today??

what makes you feel this way today...

if you had to let go (hypothetically) of the past and deal with just the husband today..

what is your marriage like today...
and where do you you want it to be...

have you two done the his needs her needs questionairre

ARK

Ark,

What I fear now is that this woman is still in his heart and thoughts. I don't know if there is any contact or not. He denies all of this and says he never had any feelings for her to begin with - they were "just friends". I also don't know about the porn issue and what is going on with that.

As far as our marriage now, it "seems" to be good, but then it seemed to be good throughout all of this mess.

We did do the questionnaire about a month ago and it didn't go very well. He chose SF as #1 (as I expected he would) and I chose Honesty. He did rated honesty ridiculously low and later admitted he kind of did that on purpose. That's what worries me - just how honest is he? I guess I don't understand this playing games, especially at this point in our marriage. I bought the CD of HN/HN but he's only listened to a little of it after having it a month. He has agreed to listen to it with me so maybe that's what we need to do.

shadow...

To me to be honest...though there is some smacking of overstepping boundaries...it doesn't sound like an affair..

first off her son was ill...
and the phone conversations you noted on the bill were short..that sounds more like work contact...

and often when a whole group of people DO rally around someone ....people will do things somewhat out of character..for a multitude of reasons...

a child with cancer is devastating and out of everyones control...people doing things...is often the only way they have of control....

See here's the problem I think your NEED TO KNOW...impeded your ability to know because you create such a battle field...

and destroy the intimacy and trust needed between you two to get the answers you want..

that you are demanding and creating walls for the truth...and he has either revealed the truth...and you don't like or buy it..
OR
he feels he can't tell you the truth because of your going ballistic....

if you can work on creating an environment in which he can hear you

hear why you don't like porn..

what are your reasons against porn...(and know that's not me challenging your beliefs...I am just not clear if it is a religious, personal, dislike...or if it is his use singularly....)

then you two can discuss and hear

listen you got a husband that is willing to do a lot more than a lot round here...

polygraph
questionairre
listen even a little to the CD..
I hope you are really giving him lots and lots of support and gratitude for that..

otherwise he's gonna give up and say what's the point nothing I do makes you happy or is enough...

shadow do you really really really think this woman is in his heart...
sounds awfully dramatic to me...
since he's doing all this stuff for you...

I am worried that you are sabotaging a good marriage..

ARK

There are several things that really made me think something odd was going on. First the lies about who he was getting email from and the fact that he would rush to get on the computer if I even so much as got up from it to get a drink of water. Then when I found the emails from this woman (none of which involved her sick son), he tried to change her email address in his address book so that he could still receive emails from her and I wouldn't know it was her.

Also, why would he be thinking of her on our first real vacation together in 30 years? Why would he take a picture of himself to send to her? I guess this is something I wouldn't think to do for any of the guys I work with so it seems odd to me. Plus, he couldn't wait to get on the computer and send her the picture when we got home. Doesn't sound right to me.

Even if that was some kind of a crush back then, the fact that her name was the only name he could come up with to do a search on the computer a few months back just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you even be thinking about a person you haven't seen or talked to in over a year? This was the only person he did the search on.

As far as the lie detector test, he did not agree to that willingly. I do appreciate the fact that he went, although it really didn't answer any of my questions. I don't see how someone could fail a test because they didn't remember something. Maybe I just don't understand how the test works but that sure doesn't make sense to me.

I know in many ways he is doing more than other SOs on this list, but if a person is lying to you that's not much consolation. It's hard to trust someone you know is lying, and I don't mean the usual little white lie.

Thanks again for listening!

There are several things that really made me think something odd was going on. First the lies about who he was getting email from and the fact that he would rush to get on the computer if I even so much as got up from it to get a drink of water

HES HIDING SOMETHING


Even if that was some kind of a crush back then, the fact that her name was the only name he could come up with to do a search on the computer a few months back just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you even be thinking about a person you haven't seen or talked to in over a year? This was the only person he did the search on.


HES TRYING TO FIND WHERE SHE LIVES