Hello
To those partners victim of sexual adiction:

My H is working on his issues (sex adiction)
He is staying home and we are cordial to each other often exchanges hugs and kisses on the cheek
In the mean time I concentrate on my pregnancy(4 1/2 months!) and on my healing

He knows I am not going to wait forever and that a few months after my baby is born I will want some answers and be able to get my life from the "on hold" I have it now

When that times comes I want to able to either recommit, divorce or, only if I have seen what I percieve as significant progress, just wait some more holding my decision

I know I have an issue with controlling and I am doing my best not to interfere on his recovery efforts

But, Can I at least ask him how is it going, what is he doing about it and what has he learned so far? Or even that is controlling and I should wait until he comes and tells me? Not knowing is killing me. He talks to me about work and church, but now about the adiction and the recovery

Any insight is highly appreciated.

My thoughts as a newbie, but you might wait for a veteran MBer to respond.

I don't think my WH has a sexual addiction but these would be some of my thoughts:
How is he working on his sexual addiction?

When did this come to your attention and how?

Not that this isn't enough how is the rest of your M? Are there other issues you both need to address?

I asked questions. I don't think it was according to MB but it was killing me too and I wasn't forgiving, forgetting and moving forward without the answers.

Maybe making a list of what questions you need answered. Take a break from them for whatever time you need whether it be a day, week or whenever. Go back to your list and make sure those are the questions you need answered. Then proceed from there. Are you waiting so that you don't get MORE upset because of your pregnancy? or why?

How old are you both, how long married, etc.?

I don't think asking questions per se is controlling. You ARE invested in this M too, and what he does or doesn't do effects you also.

My 2 cents for what its worth.

If he has issues he is working on, how will your questions be answered? Truthfully or with stress?

Think about it and then review why you need to know vs. what he can do.

Better to let him know you have questions and when he is ready to handle those questions, you'd like to know.

What does that do? Puts the responsibility on him to get better..... his curiosity will want to know what you want and he dig at you to satisfy his need to know. Don't give in, just keep monitoring when he gets strong enough to handle, then you can ask. Any signs of anger sets him backwards.... gritting teeth, angry eyes, yelling.... all bad signs of moving backwards..... never reward him by satisfying his curiosity.

JMHO,
L.

What is the nature of his SA and how is he dealing with it?

I know I am not really in a position yet to give good, clear advice to anyone yet, as I am in the middle of a D myself. However, I have some experience (10years or so) living with someone with a SA. My STBXH's SA began with just the run-of-the-mill porn mag's and a little "peeping-tom-ism". It somehow translated into molesting children. Beware of your unborn child living in the home of a person with SA.

I agree... ASK QUESTIONS. You deserve to know the answers.
IMHO

Please visit http://www.recoverynation.com/index-2.html for the partner's workshop and forum links.

You have a right, as a spouse to know certain things. If he is keeping secrets and lying (he's SA, that what shame based people do) he is not in recovery. You have a right as a spouse to know everything concerning how your health may have been compromised, your finances, any legal issues that might be involved, and other sexual contact outside your marriage.

As best you can, don't let him determine the health of your marriage. Then you are powerless and at the mercy of an unreliable man. I didn't say evil, I said unreliable. Create your own healthy life and, if you choose to stay with him, stay connected and compassionate to him the best you can. He's proven you can't trust him, so try to live and love without trust for awhile. Give him time to find a value based life, and in the meantime, nurture yourself. Find support and make your own happiness.

He is sick and unreliable. He deserves your compassion, but not your trust. That will take a very long time to repair, as it should. He needs to show availability, approachability, and consistency over time. By not communicating and connecting to you, he is still making his shame more important than an emotional connection to you. A helathy mature man with a pregnant wife wouldn't act this way. But he is a SA. Maybe he will improve and connect to his core value. I hope so, but for now, especially with your pregnancy, you need to be the one in charge of caring for yourself and the baby. Please don't wait for him to fix your life.

Best of luck.

My apologies to TotallyLostNow... I wish to ask TraumaQueen... do you think child-molesters are in a different categorie from others with SA's? I guess in my heart, I've wanted to see if there was a way in which my marriage could be saved eventhough my STBXH molested my girls. My heart still loves the man I knew him to be and at the same time I hate the man who hurt my children. Is there a way to get rid of the child-molester and keep the husband? I keep coming up with a "no" on that question, and am seeking divorce at this time. My heart still has a hard time letting go. It's like giving yourself an amputation to get rid of a diseased limb. You would like to keep the limb if possible and cutting it off yourself is very difficult!

Lamby,
As a bad survivor of childhoold sexual abuse...NO

The relative who molested me so was charming, caring, giving, doting, a GREAT stepgrandfather UNTIL we were alone. They are the most pathetic perverts on the face of the earth. The harm they inflict because of their "desires", makes me want to vomit to even think of it. The scars are deep and always with me even after almost 40 years.

There is no medical cure, there is NO cure but death.

My heart goes out to you as a victim in all this too (((hugs))). Don't let your soon to be ex within miles of you or your children. Please protect them now more than ever.

I am in complete agreement with you, MVG. I wrote my last post in a moment of weakness, emotionally. I know what I have to do. Thank you for your post. All reminders help.

I am sorry for the harm that has been in your life. My heart goes out to you as well.

Those moments of weakness are hard and confusing! Please know I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Sometimes that's all we have, and hopefully by the grace of God all we need to feel more determined, confident,and loved. (((hugs))) I pray you feel some peace soon.

I'm glad I could help.

All I know for now is compulsive porn, MBing and one emosional affair with an adult woman (ex best friend of mine)

I will take care with my son and be vigilant. I don't feel like letting him be alone with him once he is born. I'll have to learn and watch out for any signs, if they is such a thing. How will I know what happens when I sleep? I'll have to put movement detectors around his crib

If you ask me I will say I think he wil be a great father, unable to harm his son

But if you asked me just 2 years ago I would have said he was a great husband, unable to hurt me

Right now I guess everything is possible

TLN... I would have said the exact same thing about my STBXH! He for all practical purposes seemed like a wonderful loving man/father/husband. Devoted to his family, church, and his job. The thing is, you DON'T know what is happening when you are asleep!!!! That is when my STBXH would molest my girls. I never knew! Everyone that knew us was totally shocked when they found out who he really was. I am still dealing with the aftershocks of this earthquake that has hit my/our lives. But, if it helps any, my STBXH's fetish was with girls/women only. He never touched my boys (we have 3 altogether). I hate to make you think something that may not be true in your life. It was in mine. Just be careful!

TLN, yeah, recoverynation.com. Read over there. They'll help you.

Not entirely sure, but I think I am dealing with the same thing, just found out about it after a 25 year marriage.

He needs to get help.

(TotallyLostNow, please excuse the brief TJ)

Lamby,

No I don't think all SAs are pedophiles. It is a different category. These are predators engaging in illegal, immoral, disturbing, and abusive behavior.
SAs engage in all different kinds of behavior to separate from themselves and disconnect from any intimate relationships. Harming innocent children is indicative of catastrophic illness and investment in fantasy. It may be impossible for you to ever reconcile. Only you can say.

I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that there is help for partners through the RN site I mentioned above. There's also a list of other internet resources along with their own excellent partners healing workshop. It would certainly help to work on your own stuff while you decide what to do with your marriage.

Good luck Lamby

lamby,

There is no way to separate the STBXH from the man you THOUGHT he was.

He is what he is:

evil.

You only thought he was something else.

Consider that you are rescuing your children, not that you are losing anything in leaving him. Because what you are leaving is only someone who lived a lie with you.

He was not a husband or father. He was someone who has, at his core, only something dark that drives him.

He knows that.

He chose to cover it with something else so he could do what he wanted behind your back. That was temporary.


Your grief is difficult, in that you feel you should have known, should have protected, should have seen him for what he was.....and so many other "should haves".

His evilness took advantage of that, because he knew he could use the fact that you trusted his facade of goodness.


I know that facade all too well. I lived with someone who did this for many years to me. He had many people fooled too.

Should never have happened. To me, to them, to your family, to mine.

The best thing to come of this is that you KNOW, and can stop the evil now. Hold them and love them now.

You hang in there. Stand strong for your children.