I have dealt with his P/A behaviour and I can handle that (it really does become pathetically obvious after a while) - but after years of being lied to and deceived and ditched, and with him still going on lengthy business trips with the office chicks where spouses are NOT invited, I find that I am dealing with a massive case of PTSD.

The triggers are horrible and H only becomes cold, distant, stonewalling and sometimes snarling angry when they occur. Remember, he's still heavy-duty P/A and he is the world's biggest victim when I am triggered - has not one drop of sympathy or compassion for me. Thinks I am either making it all up like a "drama queen" or threatens that I should get "serious help" (which he means as a threat and punishment) "if you're really that sick."

He will not lift a fingert to help me any of this. If I am crying/panicking/hyperventilating, he will stone cold ignore me playing computer games (if he's home) or shut off his phone so I can't reach him (if he's at work or on a trip.) Once while hyperventilating I got grabbed by the shoulders, dragged out of a locked bathroom and slammed down repeatedly on a bed to "snap me out of it."

I guess this is the punishment I get for refusing to tolerate his P/A stuff any more. He sure found a way to get even.

Anyone know what to do for PTSD? The information I have read all involve either anti-depressants, which I cannot and will not take for several reasons, or getting family support, which he REFUSES to give me.

Anyone else dealing with this? I have to find some way to recover from this without him, since he absolutely refuses to lift a finger. If I could get some relief from the PTSD, maybe I'd have the strength to move out and Plan B - but the triggers are so debilitating it's tough enough just to keep my pathetic little day job.

thanks
Mulan

Oh, how I remember those feelings. On those few nights that I could actually get to sleep, I'd often wake in the morning, lay completely still, and think, think, think..."I feel ok, is everything ok? NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT OK!", as reality would hit.

I'd lay there, trying to get a grip on myself and losing the battle. I could little feel a wave of tingling start at the top of my head and roll all the way down to my feet. I'd try to concentrate on breathing because I knew I was hyperventilating but it would only make it worse.

I was not able to get myself out of it....I went to Urgent Care and received ADs. Smartest thing I ever did in my life. I had to deal with the panic attacks for a while longer because the ADs didn't take affect right away, but just knowing they were there, helped me cope a little bit and get through those days until the ADs did work. I only stayed on them 3 months.

I know you don't want to take ADs, but that's how I made it through.

Fox

Mulan ... the best way to deal with this issue would be to rid yourself of the constant torment that comes along with being with your spouse.

from what I read I hear you saying...
he goes on business trips with women. Have you enthusiastically agreed to this??? If so, why?

he has no compassion for your pain. Is that the type of man you want to spend your life with?

he is passive aggressive to a ridiculous point.

He punishes you for things he has caused.

He is inappropriately angry.

He does things to purposely make you feel worse.

So, Mulan...my question to you is...why look for a cure for PTSD when the "cure" is staring you in the face.

Now, to answer the question as you asked it...Zoloft is approved for PTSD. Any SSRI, with the exception of Prozac should be able to help with that. But...NOTHING...is going to work so long as your strings are still being pulled.

Why are you choosing to live this way?

MEDC, you are absolutely right. Please read the above paragraph again. If I go for some treatment like maybe EMDR, he won't even know. I'm just looking for the strength to walk right now. It's tough when you can barely crawl.

And I don't choose to live this way. Things will be good for a while, but then I am triggered by something and off we go again. He cares the least and is perfectly happy to ignore me until Doomsday, so he always wins.

He is a Freeloader and I am a Buyer and that is the worst possible combination. Even Harley says the Buyer should seek a divorce in such a situation because it is so very painful and tormenting for the BS.

He was a great guy and a great husband for about ten years, but then he started getting Big Success at his corporate office. Now he's a Director at this company and has an ego approximately the size of the planet Jupiter. His sense of entitlement got equally huge. He pretty much turned into Elvis at his worst, surrounding himself with all the perks of Big Success - babes and booze and toys and anything he wanted - and all the while ditching anyone who got in the way of that.

Like his wife.

I honestly think his Big Success was the worst thing that ever happened to him. He had *nothing* in his upbringing to teach him the proper way to handle it and it's way, way too late now.

I'll bet more people have ruined their lives through Success than through Failure. Sad but true.
Mulan

Mulan,

I've felt for so many years that we have been in similar marriages and have reacted similarly. Over the summer, I happened upon a biography of Tolstoy's wife and that led me to a book by William Shirer called "Love and Hatred: The Stormy Marriage of Leo and Sonya Tolstoy". From my perspective, it is understandable how Sonya acted, which was increasingly irrational. She stayed married to Leo for 48 years until he fled their house when he was 82, caught pneumonia and was taken off a train, and then died in a trainstation in an obscure little town. This made international headlines. The trainstation is now called Leo Tolstoy station. Try reading the book.

You think your husband has a big ego? Think about Tolstoy. He was venerated. He was viewed as the greatest living author in Russia and was a hero to the peasants. He was a national hero. His desire to live as a peasant and give up all his property and copyrights to his books was troublesome to a wife who was trying to care for their children. One thing she wrote was, "He loved all mankind and hated his wife."

That book gave me a lot of insight into my own behavior because I have been hysterical. I lost years of my life. And why?

Because I was trying to show how upset I was so he would change. I thought he cared. What I have done now is back away from him. He's now the one trying to connect with me.

There's a lot of up and down. It takes a lot to deal with this. On Saturday, he told me he was leaving me and was all upset because I didn't want us to purchase a cell phone for our daughter when an offer had been misrepresented. It turned out that there were two offers. I was told about one, and he was told about the other.

Then on Sunday he told me "I'm a terrible father. I'm a terrible husband. I should make a lot of money and live far away." My response was "That's sad." He told me how terrible he feels about how he's treated me.

Mulan, I wonder what is up with your husband, and I think it is at least possible that he's dug himself such a deep hole in how he's treated you that he just keeps on digging. You are helping him to keep digging by what you are doing.

Consider just backing off. Consider not commenting on anything he does, letting him do what he wants, and see where that goes. Follow the POJA yourself. Don't participate in what is negative for you, and don't do what is negative for him. A friend of mine once said to me, "Don't run interference for his conscience."

Cherishing

Mulan, there is no reason to read the words again...I get it. But bottom line is, your feelings will improve when you take action...not before. That is why i said that no matter the cure for the PTSD, without action, nothing will change.

I think it is time to be brave even if you are not feeling that way. be brave in your actions and the feelings will follow. If you need help..just call your friends or family and say that you need help getting out of there.

EMDR is not a quick fix...I believe that you need to just force yourself to act....

I am sorry for your pain. It's only Monday...by the weekend your life could be looking a lot better. Find the inner strength to make that happen.

And when you have been away from this craziness for a while..you will find what you call "good" now was just a stage of "less bad."

Mulan,
How are you doing?
Cherishing