Orchid, what does that look like?

I didn't want to TJ Who's thread, but I saw you post this.

I've recently read some threads where people's needs just are not being met for one reason or another. But the ones that bother me the most are the ones where the FWS is not even trying.

What would your Plan B look like? Would it be the real deal or a parallel existence?

Would you mind elaborating?

Sure..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My plan B contains the following:

1. Reinstatement of my boundaries (personal and marital). Includes non A stuff.... it's all about respect.

2. If that doesn't rectify things, then the next step is to implement cost of not respecting those boundaries. Which btw, are set for the safety of the family.

3. Given 1 & 2 and still there's an attitude, then implementing the boundaries means that person is no longer welcomed in our home because that person does not make the family feel safe. This is usually because of unwarranted anger due to selfish motives in play (i.e I want an A, a car, a new toy..... etc.). The selfish motive is bad not because all things are bad (except for the A, that's always bad) but because having to have them at the expense of one's family is demeaning to the family. Very disrespectful.

4. In some cases, this meant the angry one has to go cool off... away from the family. No whining allowed. If that means he sleeps in the car....then so be it.

Remember when I said the WS taught us how to live w/o him? Well he did. By NOT living with his family, we learned to survive w/o his presence. So we really learned to live even without a father and an H.

That is where the innocence of the M was lost. The naive part of the M thinks we can't live w/o each other.... in reality we can and often do. In some cases the A forces that lesson.

So in our case, when Xws came home for good, he was told (by me) that he w/b welcomed back as long as he had love, care and respect for each family member. This was not an option but a requirement we all had to abide by.

It isn't hard to do....it's done all the time, just not stated so bluntly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Since the I, I learned I could NOT tolerate any OP in my life. So my boundary was there to stay. It is a permanent one. Crossing that boundary has consequences. Testing me on that also has consequences. H learned that when he got a bit bold at several points. Yep.... that meant he slept out in the car and I didn't worry about looking for him. Hm.......... he came back in a few hours though it was late at night and quite apologetic in most cases. In the other cases, his stubborn pride almost cost him another boot out the door.

Do you all think I am a dictator? You could. Here's another POV: I see myself as the protector of the family. A job once held by H. He is learning to get that position back because that's not my favorite thing t/d. I much rather be pampered and be catered. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

H is still working on that piece. He tends to get comfortable knowing I am the one making sure all is running as it should. Still HNHN says we need to share the R. While he prefers not to, he needs to.....do more and I need t/d less.

This is still a work in progress. The giver in me....has relaxed a bit and taker likes being pampered....now if I can just get him t/d the dishes and vacuum..... it is sooo sexy to see a man do the dishes and vacuum. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

MG,

I am sure that this was for me (and possibly others out there with my similar circumstances). And i thank you for trying but also been there done that.

When my H first went back to work after his illness i was so upset because of the OW working with him. I told him every day that he had to find another job because i insisted on NC. After about 2 or 3 weeks of him not doing anything about it, i left the house for a few days to prove to him that i meant business about the NC. He was not going to let me come back home. I had to just do it anyway.

I truly believe i have tried everything to get him to talk about the A and his feelings and my feelings but NOTHING works. He just says because of his life threatening illness he knows what is important to him and that is me and the kids. The A is in the past so leave it there and look to the future. It seems as though the HNHN does not apply in my M it is his ONLY.

Orchid thanks for sharing your Plan B. I am also a giver and do most of everything in our household. That is one thing that really bothers me about the A because what i have found out about it on my own is that he did lots of things for her. She played a damsel in distress and he was her rescuer although a lot of the things he did for her he never has done for me. He even helped her room mates child with a science fair project. He has never helped our children with any homework that is always up to me.

Yes, Still...I had you in mind when I asked Orchid.

I have a reply, but I've got to run so I'll post later.

First off..thank you Orchid. That's sounds like a solid plan B. It also says in big bold letters

ORCHID HAS FIRMLY ESTABLISHED BOUNDARIES!

Were they always present? And if not...do you think the time your H was gone allowed you the opportunity to put them in place?


Still,


baloney...your mental health and your personal and marital recovery has taken a backseat to his comfort level. You see that right?

So to me it's a boundary issue. And I am in the process, myself, of getting very aquainted with my own boundaries...never ralizing how important they were.

So Still, did you have boundaries in place preA? And if not, what are you doing to get them established now? Because it really seems that your WH (he has not earned that F as I said before) doesn't see your boundaries at all and is not worried about your need for NC and all the other necessary steps for recovery. And not even beginning to mention ENs.

So by doing this, your H sees the bottom line. And he knows you mean business.

I just wonder if somewhere along the line after DDay, the BS should demonstrate this somehow. Because I see that the WSs that don't work hard enough at recovery are the ones that were never shown the door. They never had to pay the toll to get back in.

I wonder if there are stats on this.

recovery without leaving the home vs. recovery after leaving and being readmitted

well I've rambled enough. Thanks for your help Orchid.

MG i posted back on my own post.