I haven't written on here in a while. My H up and left me for his XGF, who left him a few weeks back. After three months of struggle in my own life, he begged to come back and work things out. He revealed to me that he was a compulsive liar and a porn addict, but claimed he wanted to work on those things. Then, I found out he lied to me about getting rid of the other women friends, and when I approached him about it, then he "ran for the hills". I haven't heard from him in a few days, but he has blocked me out of his life again. He hasn't said he wanted a divorce, he just asked for some time because he is still having questions and doubts about being married. He has commitment issues, obviously, and he is depressed. But how can I help him, when I am three states away, and he doesn't seem to even want to help himself, even though he told me thats what he really wanted. I feel like he wants his cake and eat it too, and I know things could still work out, but I am a little lost as to what to do. I am trying to allow him to work on some things, but he shouldn't be making himself available to other women if he is still married and trying to work on things, so I am very VERY confused. Part of me wants to go ahead and tell him to buzz off, while the other part feels devoted to helping him work through this, if this is what he wants. He won't tell me what he wants because he is so confused. He needs help and someone needs to hold him accountable. My church group is pulling for me to give him time. Any advice?

Hey Kat,

For those of us not familiar with your situation. How long have you been married, do you have children, if yes how many, how old? The answers to these questions will affect the responses you receive.

Best,

Who

I've been married for a little over a year. no kids. But I've been with my H since I was 18. He's my one and only. We've had a few issues since we got married, but never got into any fights. He's very much introverted. Husband was under a lot of pressure, and couldn't keep a job. He was really unhappy, and he took off, abandoning me at the beginning of the summer- right before my 1 year anniversary. My family and inlaws all think that things can work out, if only my H can change himself. He is currenlty working as a Graduate Assistant at a university in Athletic Training, and he works 80 hour weeks. I'm a teacher in Arizona, fresh outta college. I don't want to give up on my H or ask for a D, since I am faithful to my vows, but he was not. It's been a really sticky situation, and I want to give him time and another chance, but he is not acting like he wants one anymore. He hasn't said anything though, so I feel like I'm in a really strange spot.

Kat,

Generally speaking, considering that he has been unfaithful to you within the first year of marriage and there are not, fortunately, children involved, per MB standards, there really is no reason to stay in this marriage.

I think, perhaps that your WH was not ready for marriage and until he grows up a bit, will not make a suitable H for you. Unless he really starts making a effort to recover the marriage, there is little hope that he will not continue to behave inappropriately.

I don't think this is how you want your life to go, is it?

Who

Ummmm, you really need help answering this question?

You should have been gone.......no kids, cheating that early on??

Run.....and run fast to a lawyer. You dont know how lucky you are to be able to get out of this situation.

I know of two specific instances of where spouses cheated in the first year of the marriage and fast forward 5 - 10 years later and both were/are serial cheaters in marriages that are ending or have ended.

RUN for the hills, get an attorney and get more than your fair share and thank God that you found out about this man before you had children with him.

He has done you a favor by running off. He is clearly not marriage material, and you are lucky you found out now before you drag innocent kids into this mess. I would get out now while the getting is good.

This is one time when you need to follow your brain instead of your emotions. Well, unless your emotions are telling you to run to the nearest divorce court.

Larry