I am the bad guy....I had the A, my H doesn't know I have an emotional need, I was a wonderful mother and house wife, then a little mental illness led me to the OM, I have asked my husband to get counseling for a year and a half, I am dying of boredom.....H meets no emotional needs, OM meets most....if OM says "this tea is good" "you look beautiful" of "kisses me on the mouth" it maks me cry...My H does not do that ....I have been asking for us to get counseling for a long time what now..................are emotional needa not important? So frustrated.....don't want to lose my family but my husband totally depresses me...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be.

Maybe when you tell your husband about your affair, he will want to seek counseling. Are you still in contact with the other man?

What does your H need counseling for? Did you tell him about the affair? Did you end contact with the OM?

Did you get rid of the OM?

My H thinks the A has ended....I had a mental situation that led me into the A but now I just feel like I love the OM , he meets so many emotional needs it is so hard to give up, and I can't get my husbands attention no matter what....he is a denial kind of guy.....

Tell hubby you are continuing the affair and thinking of divorcing him. That will get his attention.

Or do the honorable thing, and divorce him and then marry the OM.

No I have not endend it with the OM....I get very depressed when I try

The first step is to tell your H the truth and end the affair.

Tell your H the truth and he can help you end the affair.

I would love for that to be the honorable thing.....we have both tried to break it off...we just make each other very happy..

I would like to...I dont want to be the OW....but H meets no emotional needs and depresses me so....I have asked him to get counseling ...he just likes to put his head in the sand...

Well, it isn't really the most honorable thing, but more honorable than cheating on your husband.

And keep in mind that good men don't have affairs with someone else's wife.

I think H needs sounseling for depression, his personality tyoe withholds affection. but I wanted us to get marriage counseling...

Yes, it is depressing that his wife is having an affair.

How long have you been married?
How old are your children?

been there done that 77771960 (interesting name).

it comes down to this.... what kind of person do YOU want to be. it has nothing to do with your husband, how attentive or not, how far his head is in the sand or not.

YOU need the counsoling right now, regardless of if your husband does as well or not. maybe he does, but the point is that is irrelavant to you.

you obviously are not happy with what you are doing and yet you are still doing it.

what kind of person do YOU want to be?

one that cheats?

that's the bottomline. answer that question for yourself. share it with us too.

(i absoultely understand what you are saying, i was completely there. even the mental illness part.)

I am not positive OM will be all mine....but he does meet my emotional needs....Are emotional needs valid or can we live w/o them being met...

If you are that happy, then why are you here and why did you have a "mental thing" recently? That doesn't sound like someone who is happy to me. That sounds like someone who is using an affair to dull their pain, much like drugs or alcohol. Just because it is hard to break it off with OM doesn't mean that you won't be happier once you get through withdrawal.

Since you seem to be justifying your affair by your husband's lack of meeting your ENs, then why didn't you just divorce him BEFORE you decided to have an affair? Also, what emotional needs of your husbands have you been meeting? Meeting emotional needs is a two-way street, and you can't expect your husband to meet yours when you are cheating on him. Would you be having sex with your husband and telling him how much you loved him if he was sleeping with another woman?

STOP THIS AFFAIR NOW! You obviously can't do it on your own, so enlist the help of family and friends to help you break the habit. Once you've had NC with the OM for a period of months, get to counseling with your husband and work on meeting each others' needs. There is no "quick fix." You've taken a problem of your husband's lack of meeting your emotional needs and multiplied it by a hundred by having your affair. It will take TIME and EFFORT to fix what you have done, but it can be fixed. Breaking up your children's home for some relationship that will never pan out in the long run is something that cannot be fixed. OM would eventually stop doing the things he is doing that are attracting you to him if you lived together over a period of years with all the stresses of work and family life. You are chasing a fantasy.

I can pretty much promise you the OM won't be all "yours". He is a cheater.

Does he have a wife?

OM is meeting your emotional needs in exchange for sex. I guarantee if you stopped sleeping with him for a period of several months, he would dump you. You have a prostitue/John relationship. When OM is done with you, he will stop meeting your needs and then you will be left with no one and will have destroyed your childrens' lives in the process. Is that what you want? Is it really worth it?

Why don't you work with a counselor to help your husband learn to meet your emotional needs instead?

I did have a mental situation brought on by some vitamins that I was taking....made me manic....I still like vitamins but I don't take the same ones...maybe my mind used that as a cover to escape the pain...I don't know....but I met the OM during that time....I haven't divorced because I have two wonderful children that I don't want to pull the rug out from under...my H just escapes life w/ TV and I find that very depressing...I also find ruining my family very depressing.....so..there I am........