Buck, Callie:
I've read through this entire thread & one thing that screams out at me is the fact that you both are not practicing Radical Honesty. Look here, I'm going to quote both of you:
Buck -
I want to fall in love with my wife. But this is really getting in the way. I haven't shared much of it with her.
Callie -
I have never directly told H that my heart isn't fully here. But I'm certain he feels it.
How do you expect to have the intimacy w/your spouses if you are not radically honest w/them? Radical honesty means telling them the truth no matter what. You are still "sparing your spouse's feelings" like you did in the A in order not to "hurt them", especially b/c they're "working hard" on the M.
Now for the purpose of this thread, Buck I'm going to address you b/c you're the one that started this thread. So...
Some quotes from you --
It was so bad for so long, that I am having a hard time believing it.
I want to stop looking back and second guessing my decision.
But, like you, the problem is this took the form of a friendship.
Okay, first quote -- I think you're still stuck in the mindset of "it's never going to get any better". With all of your W's efforts, has this mindset changed at all? Do you have more hope than you did?
Second quote -- Living in "what if" mode will always have you looking bleak at your current situation. I think you're having trouble staying in the "here & now".
Third quote -- Why isn't your W your best friend? She should be. I suspect if she becomes your best friend, a lot of these issues will disappear. As I described above, Radical Honesty, which I suspect you had w/the OW, will have that happen. You are the one who is not allowing your W to become your best friend.
I also suspect that perhaps your W isn't meeting your needs in your love language. For more information about that, go to:
Gary Chapman's Love Languages . This, coupled w/Dr. Harley's basic concepts are what boosted my H & I's M to overdrive in just a short time. We actively worked both doctor's concepts. It's 4 years later & he IS my best friend. He IS my confidante. We MISS each other when we're not here together. We do everything together. And we WANT to! I know this is the place where you want to be. I can feel that coming from the pages. Now how do you get there?
I would say the first thing would be to admit to your W that your heart isn't 100% in it right now. And before you stop me saying, Yeah, I'm giving 100%!, think about it. As long as you still have those "feelings" for OW & not for your W, you are NOT giving 100%. You are only giving 50%. 50% to W, 50% to OW.
My W and I on the other hand, both tend to withdraw. We both thrive on someone else's initiation. But even then, maybe not. Sometimes my W would reject even apologetic advances. Our personality combination can work, it just takes a lot more work.
I would say learning how to communicate w/each other w/o going into caves is a top priority as well. There are lots of communication exercises that can be tried in order to accomplish this.
Like you, my H had doubts that this M would last when he moved back home. In his mind, he was giving it 2 years like Harley recommended. If he wasn’t “in love” by then, he was out of here. Boy, wasn’t he surprised by working the Harley concepts & showing love through my specific love language & me showing him through his, we’ve reached the kind of M we both wanted from the beginning. We’ve never had this kind of M. So it surprised us both actually. We are each other’s best friends. We go to each other first instead of to others. We’ve learned how to communicate w/one another. We’ve learned that the D word is NOT an option. Taking the D word completely out of the equation forces us to work through whatever problems we face. And w/the tools we have now, we work through those problems, no matter how big they are. The tools are there, Buck. All you have to do is use them & you’ll have the M you want & the OW will be a distant memory.
