I need help with getting sole custody of my daughter. I don't believe that when it comes to cases of infidelity that there should be joint custody.... and I don't even know how joint custody would work when WH is mil anyways!!!!! Please help!!! He's using all kinds of tactics against me saying I can't allow my emostions/anger towards him to make this dec I need to do what's right and for me to look it up joint custody is better for a child than sole, and that her daddy needs to be a part of her life... Well, I say if he wanted to be a part of her life than he shouldn't have cheated. This is HIS fault!!! not mine, not hers. He's been a deadbeat dad since OW walked into our m. Of course he blames me for that too. He says that I don't let him be a part of his child's life but that is such bullsh*t!!!!!!!! He's actually asked me what would it matter in 20 years that she's not going to remember that he didn't spend time with her. He's even said things to his COC that he can't sleep b/c he's so concerned over losing his daughter but bologna if he was so concerned wouldn't he be in there spending time with his daughter instead of talking to his ******???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He's already punished me enough for HIS sins. He's not going to take my daughter too. She doesn't deserve that...... actually told me I don't dewerve my daughter. ARGH!!!!! I just want to scream!!!! This isn't right!!! This can't be right!!! The only thing legal has really told me to do was to gather evi. on the affair.

Cinv, do what you need to do to protect your daughter. Yes, she needs to see her dad, but he has lost his mind so she needs to be protected from him. It is in her best interest for you to have sole custody with him havng limited visitation. I would also have your attorney specify that she is not to be exposed to his affair partners. How old is she?

Cinc,

Joint legal custody shouldn't be a problem as long as you are the primary custodial parent. Your property and support agreement should address all parameters of the time your DD spends with WH as Mel stated above.

Unfortunately, his affair alone is probably not going to be enough to get you sole custody.

But, because he is active duty military, and subject to deployments and reassignments, he can't force you to move around the country etc. so that the time he spends with DD is convenient for him.

Make sure that you stipulate that he cover expenses for the visits, especially if it involves costly travel. Such as, when it is his turn to have your DD for a holiday, he comes to you to pick her up and brings her back.

I've been there, done that, and my XH spent nearly zero time, money or effort to see my DD's. And in the beginning he was quipping about wanting custody!

Who

CH,
Breathe......

Yes the custody issue is important, but.... Remember that this is a form of control that both you and WH are using to continue battling. As such, don't get distracted from the overall battle here - your marriage.

Use your representative at Legal to help you understand the ins and outs of obtaining custody, while you maintain a "bigger picture" overview of the surrounding issues. Your WH is attempting to drag you down "into the trenches", and it's working. Stay calm and try not to REACT!!! YOU can stay in control only if you stay in control, CH.

What's going on with CoC? Who did you talk to? What other support do you have? Have you talked w/ Chaplain and/or Ombuds???

Keep your eye on the prize and, again, resist the urge to respond/react to WH's babble. Don't get down in the gutter with him...!!!

I have spoken to the chaplain (speaking to him again today) and I have spoken with the stand in 1st shirt as well as a MSgt. I don't know what's going on with that except that they are somewhat 'forcing' group counseling on us. -their way of trying to get us to reconcile. I have also spoken with another wife and I believe her h also knows of the a. He's 1 rank higher than my h. The chaplain spoke of a no contact order but if that's been put into place WH is most definantly breaking it! I just want to leave so bad. I found pictures of 'them' last night.... a few nasty ones I might add. That just crushed my soul. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I think this is the worst thing someone can do to another person.

I hate that he's punishing me for his sins. I get that he does it to alleviate his guilt but I don't understand why that works. How does treating your wife like dirt make you feel better about your infidelity????

It's hard to stay calm some days esp when it comes to DD.

I was reading that in my legal state of res. they rarely give joint custody b/c they believe it is in the best interest of the child -and I completely agree. BUT of course they do require visitation. I don't even want that, or atleast have it supervised and most def. limited. The only thing is, is he is going through his legal state which makes no sense to me b/c we aren't even married in his state so how can he divorce me in that state? (We have a proxy marriage, there is 1 state that does not honor it)

Expose the pictures to your support group so they understand how serious it is. Words vs pictures..... pictures really help others see the urgency of you taking protective action. Also it lets others know you are not making this stuff up.

L.

I took the pictures, proof I thought, and they are doing NOTHING!!!!!!! Apparently pics of WH kissing OW, pics of her nasty tits, pics of them together in Seattle are not proof of an A. I also gave them e-mails between the two of us that in so many words admit to the A. What the ****** proof do they need??? So, basically I just stirred up a hornet's nest. GREAT!!!!! Exposure is still not working for me at all!!! No matter where I turn the A is protected!!! What is up with that??? I was wondering what on earth was going on with his COC. nothing!!! I cannot believe this!!!!!!

If contact has continued, have you notified his commander? Perhaps they told your H to stop contact and unless they are told otherwise, they will believe it has ended.

If he is protecting your H, how about going over his head?

CH,
At your meeting w/ Chaplain ask him for his support to go with you to see the CO. Do NOT be satisfied with how it's being "handled" at the level it's being handled now - period.

Let Chaplain be your advocate. This is just plain wrong, morally, and under the articles of the UCMJ - period.

The CO should know that people are his most valuable resource, and especially overseas, the health and well-being of dependants are HIS responsibility.

Clearly ask exactly what the CoC intends to do in this situation. Do not be put off, and don't accept attempts to sweep it under the rug because it's "uncomfortable". While some of what goes on btwn you and husband is your business, his behavior and actions is most definitely the command's business, and reflects poorly on the United States Military!

I've found it natural for people to initially respond defensively to exposure because of the "discomfort" factor. Be patient with them and continue the drumbeat of the moral high ground.

Again, CH, we know that your situation w/ DD is occupying a position front and center of your consciousness...treat it separately from the crazy fogginess of WH. Do NOT let him keep you off balance with this issue. You've talked to legal, and it'll all turn out OK in the end, regardless of how long it takes. Take the LONG view.

First is to get the craziness to stop - that's what you've got the support structure of a CoC for - make them use it to your advantage!!

Hang in there... and if you need me to give the CO a call... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Who did you provide the proof to?

I gave the proof to a MSgt... his supervisor I believe.

So if those pics and the e-mail aren't proof enough what kind of proof is needed??? -or is this just 'babble' from the COC???

I don't get it.

After finding those pics I'm really not even interested in saving my marriage anymore. I mean I still would love to take him back IF he was remorseful, stopped talking to her... in other words if HE was willing to work things out but he's not and well, it takes two.

I just want to go home. I can't handle his babble or mental abuse any longer. My head hurts, I can't eat, I can't sleep. Everytime he talks to her (which is everyday, several times a day) I get a knife stabbed in my heart. I've put up with this for about 7 months now. I can't do this anymore. I think I should have started Plan B when I officially started Plan A (didn't know about mb before that). I've really devoured myself over this. But I feel so weak for letting go.... like I'm not strong enough to hold on long enough to make this work. Am I crazy?

Are you sure you exposed to the RIGHT person? When did you do this? I would be on the phone demanding some answers, cinc. They have to act on your exposure and you should make sure they do.

CH, No, you are not crazy, but you ARE in a typical BS foggy state and need to stay focused and follow some of the very sage advice from some "senior" posters here.

ML is right, but be careful not to appear "demanding", just firm and clear.

As a dependant, with no direct experience with Chains of Command, disciplinary procedures, etc., let those of us with military experience (RIF, WhoMe, Mortarman, etc.) give you some very targeted advice. You need someone to take you by the hand and walk you through this. The apparent non-responsiveness of the command can be difficult to understand and deal with if you are not talking to the "right people", as ML suggests. With that in mind, consider the following:

(Gentle 2x4 here, but you need to LISTEN carefully to what I and others have said and then TAKE ACTION as specifically listed below)

Check them off one by one as you do them and do not take any shortcuts – print this out if necessary…

1 - Look in the mirror and tell yourself "This is NOT my fault"

2 - Repeat step 1 above.

3 - Stop reacting to WS.

4 - Repeat step 1 above.

5 - Enlist either Chaplain or Ombudsman to arrange a meeting with the Commanding Officer and attend with you.

6 - Ensure you tell the CO that you are committed to seeing this thing through and that you know that your spouse is not thinking clearly due to the addictive nature of affairs. (you might also have the Chaplain chime in here)

7 – Do NOT muddy the waters with issue of custody – that discussion is ENTIRELY outside the realm of the command to influence, and will divert attention from the primary issue, which is WS’s ongoing contact and A w/ OW.

8 - Ask the CO's help in giving a direct order to your WS to cease all contact w/ OW. This might take the form of an MPO (Military Protection Order).

9 - In the meeting, tell the CO that you want to be sure your concerns are being heard and addressed and that you would appreciate being given a specific point of contact (by name), if other than the CO, who will keep you informed of what actions are being taken.

10 - Do NOT accept any implication, hint or suggestion that these are "personal problems", but rather a very serious breach of the UCMJ and an assault on "good order and discipline" within the command. You are NOT asking the command to make any judgments about the marriage, as no one can know the “truth” of someone else’s relationship. Right now, the problem is infidelity, and that prevents ANY positive steps toward saving the marriage.

11 – Schedule a follow-up.

12 – Continue step 3 throughout.

13 – Repeat step 1 as necessary…

Hang in there, CH!

***************************************

An afterthought...the biggest mistake I've seen spouses make in this situation is pouring all their confusion/emotions out to everyone and becoming too "high maintenance", sometimes becoming their own worst enemy.

What I mean by this is to not confuse what you're seeking from whom.

The Chaplain is there for spiritual support and to aid in pointing you in the right direction with the command.

Friends are there to be friends.

Legal is there to advise you on issues/rights w/ regard to custody and divorce

The CO has direct control over WS's actions, but is NOT your marriage counselor, chaplain or legal advisor.

Be clear of this "division of labor" and work with each to their ability.

So yesterday I talked to WH, by the way he has been moved from the house for 72 hours, He is in trouble. His commander is pressing charges. He's looking at a possible article 15 and loss of stripes. He's not mad at me. He was actually kind of sweet and nice to me. I couldn't help but to cry and cry and cry. He talked to me about stuff, He even told me bye..... he normally doesn't say a word to me. I go up his COC and he's being all nice. what? He told me 'you're suppose to be mad at me, remember?' He just held on to DD for the longest time. She held on to him too, keeping me in her sight at first. It just breaks my heart, but I have to remember HE DID THIS, NOT ME. I cried so hard all the way home, DD too. But then I stopped over at a friends house and something didn't seem right, and then a naked man answered the door! lol I stoppped crying after that. I was soooooo embarassed! lol Anyways, my friend's house was on the next street over. oops! And as I was getting out of the car I saw that WH left 'her' chapstick in the car so I was able to get angry again. I put it into one of his compartments in the car and found a huge stash of calling cards he uses to call the skank. I wonder if they're still talking. But then today was a whole 'nother story. He came to pick DD up for a little visitation and it seemed the entire time he was here he was a complete you know what!! He still hasn't accepted responsibity for his actions and is still blaming me for everything. I really thought exposure would make him face reality but I don't know, maybe it just takes time. I just can't stand the lies he's telling. It absolutely drives me crazy and some of them just down right hurt!!!! I need to get control of things again. The whole custody thing has made me lose it.

How's it going, CH??

I know, I haven't been on here in a while. Partly b/c there's nothing new going on.... from my understanding the commander is pressing charges WH has been speaking with special agents (OSI???) and I'm getting ready for ERD. WH is still talking to OW. I've given up on the battle for my marriage. I really don't know what else I can do if exposure doesn't break them up, his COC hasn't broken them up..... ????? I still don't get this A nonesense, but I guess there's really nothing to get. I still don't know why this happened in the first place, but I did recently read that men don't generally have A b/c they're unhappy initially, they will often later use it as a 'justification' so I guess that makes me feel somewhat better..... as if any of this can make me feel better. I know I'm rambling. I'm just plain tired.....

Hey CH, how's it going?

Are you still overseas? Any other updates?

Hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

yes, I'm still overseas but shouldn't be to much longer, maybe as soon as next week. I can't take this any more. The way he treats me you'd think I was the one who had the a.... I'm sure I've mentioned that before but seriously that's the way things are. I feel like my health is deteriorating (sorry, pry not spelled right) My blood pressure has got to be so high and my head just kills me every day. I desperately need to get out of here. He won't leave me alone. I don't get it. I'm giving him what he wants. I'm leaving!!!!

I need to get strong again but I don't know how. How do I detach myself from this nightmare? I'm sure it will be much easier once I go back home, but then I'm still going to have to deal with him when it comes to custody of DD. What about me just leaving the house to avoid him?? Am sending out a wrong message? I can't stand to be around him so I leave esp. when he starts in on me.

Anyone that can give me some good encouragement, I desperately need it!!!! I feel so beaten down once again.

Hi CH!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation... it's a shame that your CofC isn't stepping up to the plate for your family.

You're getting some great advice from Learning2Fly... I don't have any experience with child custody issues so I can't offer any 'advice'.

If your H is being verbally abusive to you or is threatening you, then by all means do whatever you feel is necessary to protect yourself and your daughter.

As for 'sending the wrong message'... I think your H has already done that with his A. Your first order of business is to protect yourself and your DD. If that means calling the MPs, then do it.

Is there any way that you could just get two one-way tickets home and fly home? Do you have plans for when you return to the states?... do you have family that you can stay with? Just some thoughts that you should be thinking about...

Remember, your H's decision to have an A was HIS decision... there is no reason for you to feal beaten down... this entire situation is of his own making. One day, he will wake up and realize just how much damage he has caused...

Semper Fi,

RIF