Hi everyone--Well, we're closing in on 2 years since D-day. I'm happy to say I'm no longer angry or resentful. As for H and I, we still have good days and bad days. I find what used to be "endearing little quirks" just plain annoying anymore, and I find it much easier to detach myself. I've become much less reliant on him as a "partner" and have discovered a lot more independence and support through friends and family.

The other thing that I've discovered, however, is that I absorb compliments and flirty behavior from other men, and really enjoy it. Prior to discovering what my husband's been up to, I would literally reject any advances from other men. When I think about the men I turned down and avoided in the name of "faithfulness" (before and after our marriage) I could kick myself. I guess I am a little resentful of the fact that he didn't let marriage slow him down and I definitely did.

Anyway, the only thing stopping me now, hoenstly is my family. I don't want to be the reason it finally ended. I don't feel any loyalty to my husband or my marriage. I know this is wrong, and that's why I'm sharing. I need someone to talk me down....I just don't know how long I can go on with a man who's afraid of me and not able to open up emotionally. He's literally too afraid of me to be honest or open. I feel very lonely and find myself drawn to more confident people who flatter and admire me. (rather than AVOID me) There's no man in particular I would consider having an affair with at this point, but if the opportunity ever presented itself, I don't know how I would react.

Get into counciling now..

Read His Needs Her Needs together with your H

Set boundaries for yourself and for your M and -stick- to them.

Let your H know how you feel, and why you feel that way (because he isn't opening up emotionally to you).. I think you'll be suprised how such revelations can open a man's eyes.

Keep in mind though, men by nature are a little slow to pick up on the subtle signals women send. That's why there are warning lights on cars that tell guys where to look for problems. Sometimes we need to have the truth, the blunt, honest truth, right in our faces. Identify the problem, and don't try to sugar coat it.

Then comes the difficult part. Sit down with your husband and make sure that he knows your viewpoint.. make sure he understands that you are telling him -because- you love him and value your M. Then work on coming up with solutions -together- that will make both of you happy and comfortable.

Go to the FAQ's on this site, read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement, emotional needs, and how to effectively negotiate.

If my wife had been receptive to these things before her A, I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling like my life has been coldly and callously shattered, my family, my children, and our faith betrayed by a selfish decision.

Hi confusedsahmom..


BTDT, got the T-Shirt.



Yup, same here. Sometimes the good days are really good and the bad days are not as bad as they used to be, thank God!



Are you referring to habits of his that you don't appreciate? My approach is a bit different to yours - I make sure and mention to my FWW how I feel when she resorts to one of those habits that really "get my goat".



I think that most BS's eventually reach that point. Among other things, "D-Day" really opens up that fear that we can't really rely on our WS any more to be there when we most need it.



Oh yeah, I know that feeling. Not getting the admiration you need from your (F)WS, and even when you do, you're not sure that it's "genuine"; not sure that others find you attractive, so it's very welcome when they do, etc...



LOL - I definitely know that feeling! Not only that you've been cheated, but that you've also been cheated out of a life you could have had if you really knew what your WS was like. I'll bet that all BSs at one point which that they could "push a button" and rewind their lives back a few years and make some different choices.

Unfortunately, life ain't like that. You've got to look at what you have today, and play with the cards you have in your hands now, not the ones that you had back then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.



I'm guessing here, but I get the impression that you don't feel that he's fully committed to you and your M? I go through those periods of doubt as well, and they are usually triggered by behaviour from my FWW that suggests to me that she's really not interested in recovering our M; that she's just "there for the ride" and will not fight for it at the times when I need her to.

My goodness i am not that far past d day and i feel the same way. I never even noticed before if other men noticed me and now i notice if they do.

When I think about the men I turned down and avoided in the name of "faithfulness" (before and after our marriage) I could kick myself. I guess I am a little resentful of the fact that he didn't let marriage slow him down and I definitely did.

Anyway, the only thing stopping me now, hoenstly is my family. I don't want to be the reason it finally ended. I don't feel any loyalty to my husband or my marriage. I know this is wrong, and that's why I'm sharing. I need someone to talk me down....I just don't know how long I can go on with a man who's afraid of me and not able to open up emotionally. He's literally too afraid of me to be honest or open. I feel very lonely and find myself drawn to more confident people who flatter and admire me. (rather than AVOID me) There's no man in particular I would consider having an affair with at this point, but if the opportunity ever presented itself, I don't know how I would react.

___________________

just want to say that i know exactly how you feel...i have been there.
but, you are fueling your resentment.....and that never gets us very far.
make your choice...if you are going to stay w/ him....commit to the relationship. learn to love him again.
you will be happier in the long run and i believe he will come around too.
good luck.

What do you anticipate you would get out of betraying the marriage yourself?

A sense of evening the score? It can't. Your H's betrayal came out of the blue, shocking a faithful wife. Nothing you could do would have the same effect on him as it had on you. You would still feel resentful, and also ashamed. Would your position be better or worse after your affair?

Personal validation / ego-boosting? How ego-boosting is it really to be hit on by a man sensing a vulnerable target, and willing to sleep with another man's wife...not because she really wants him, but because she wants revenge on her husband? How good would you feel when you inevitably recognised that you had been exploited? Would you really feel that you were seen as an attractive woman, or simply as an easy lay?

Do you believe in a basic principle of marital fidelity? If so, going against that principle - whatever the justification - is not going to make you feel better about yourself, is it?

If fidelity is not a fixed value for you, then you have some deeper questions to ask yourself.

TA

I did not say that i plan on doing anything about it, i just said that i notice now and i did not before. I never even saw men as the opposite sex before they were just people. I now notice that i do get noticed.

I think everyone here that has been cheated on feels the same way.

it's funny to me that you brought this up, I just told my H the other day that I am in the same situation, I think if a man approached me about an A that I might just go for it, I told him that in exactly those words, I felt I needed to be open and honest about what I thought perodically, H is now keeping an eye open, I figured if H won't open up completely I would. The only thing is, I know me and an A is really not me. Its about self worth, H has made you feel like nothing to him so now you would like to feel like something to someone, anyone. Use that self worth not to have one, trust me, its not the way to go.

You need to make it safe for the H to talk, you need to start it. Something is happening in your conversations where H feels uncomfortable talking, I have had to catch myself being critical or obnoxious in our conversations, and as you know its easy to do. One thing you might try doing is tape recording the conversations, you may be surprised and so will he.

I guess I don't understand this. Seeing or feeling the pain caused by the selfishness of infideilty makes me LESS likely to get involved in an extramarital affair. Why would I want to become a selfish, self-centered home-wrecker? The idea is sickening. I would hate to look in the mirror and see a person I could no longer respect. Personally, I think that would be worse than being on the receiving end of an affair.

Confused,

Well there is certainly nothing original in what you are feeling. Many, myself included, BS might just have jumped into an affair or just a ONS following d-day. Knowledge of the betrayal makes us feel vulnerable and shatters our self esteem.

That said....


Please do, next time you consider having an affair after seeing the devastation they cause. Let me ask you, what if you did and your FWH was one of those BS who decided to end your marriage rather than stay with a cheater. He would have that right, just as you did. His affair has not given you a one-free affair card to play when you feel like it. Wrong is wrong and it doesn't matter what order it occurs in.



Read that statement and imagine someone you respected making it before your FWH had his affair. How you would have reacted? You need some MC and work on boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage.


Like h3ll you're not. And that is OK for now. BTW, it is normal to carry these emotions for a long time. I am recovered and they still creep in on me occasionally.

As I see it, JMHO, you and your FWH really need some good MC to help you progress in your recovery. Even now, before you cheat, you still have the right to end your marriage (as in divorce)and pursue other relationship(s)....but in that order.

Who

Thanks, Jame-- we've done the his needs/ her needs, and Policy of Joint agreement. I was all for that stuff in the beginning, but he never took it seriously. And, honestly I don't think he would take counseling seriously either. He would do/ agree to anything to shut me up, but when it comes to action/ following through, he always drops the ball.

Whome-- believe me, all the things you've mentioned have gone through my head. That's why when it came right down to it, I probably wouldn't act. I couldn't be the one who creates the tension in my house that his A's have created. I couldn't do that to my kids, knowing all the stress it created in a previously happy home.

The problem is, things aren't great in our marriage yet. H doesn't take anything too seriously and he thinks I over-react to everything.

The other thing that irks me is his confidence in the fact that i would never cheat. He knows the kind of person I am and knows I couldn't do that to my family or anyone else's family. I would love to do something to shock him and get him to take me seriously as a woman and a human. I have feelings, and needs too. Sometimes I just get so lonely playing this avoiding/ detaching game with him. We both want what's best for our kids, so neither of us want to go anywhere right now. But, honestly I'm not optimistic about the long term for us. I can wait to move on, though, and I will. Hopefully the love of my 2 beautiful girls, family and friends will be enough for now....

Confused,


Now that is a problem. This is serious business and after all this time, the FOG should have lifted. I do recommend that you try and convince your H to do some phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer.

Your marriage has been seriously wounded by his affair, and ignoring that fact will not make it go away. IMHO, you have a couple of choices, stay and assume that he isn't remorseful and wait for him to do it again, or make MC a condition of staying married to him.


Same here, and yes, it irks me as well. Maybe it is because I actually envy his being able to still have that kind of trust in me when he robbed me of that ability.

He is still 100% confident of my fidelity, I'll never have that luxury again.

Who

Regardless of his confidence in your fideilty or not, he should not be confident that you will remain in a loveless M.

You must sit this man down and tell him that you MUST recover a happy, healthy marriage to remain with him. Ask him what he wants from your M. Ask him his goals in coming home (even if it has been a while since he has). TELL him your goals and why you decided to attempt recovery in the first place. Lay it all out on the table (when you are ready). Do not make demands, but state your boundaries, they are not the same. Yes, using the kids as a reason to ATTEMPT recovery, initially, is good, but continuing to live in limbo 'for the kids'--BAD. When they are gone, what will you have. If you are not satisfied with that, then things are not balanced in your M.

Tell him about you feeling the pull to get your needs met outside the marriage. This is NOT healthy and will solve nothing.

For me, the opposite is true, after the initial shock (first 6 months) of Dday#1, I realized how little I wanted from another man. I realized how faulty that makes ME. I realized how much of an uphill battle I had with MYSELF.

I can honestly say, I am even sometimes put off by small advances. If a man compliments me, I say thanks, because I appreciate him noticing whatever, but I don't FEEL anything about it or about him. In some instances, I find men creepy when they compliment me on, say, my perfume.

Now if a guy says I look nice today, I say thanks and do appreciate that they see that I 'clean up nice'. I don't take it any farther in my mind than that.