My WW and I have been married for ten years. We have a 9 7 and 2 year old. 10 days before our 10 year anniversary which was August 23 she suddenly gave me the I just can't love you anymore I need to move on and be happy speech. Needless to say like many others I was stunned.

We definatley didnt have a perfect marriage and I had my issues with spending too much time online and not enough with her and the kids which I am greatly been working on.
We talked about MC'ing and she went to the first two with me
but then bailed out saying no point shes done with everything. I was more shocked because the kids had been her life and she wouldnt even consider the affect this will have on them.

She had been spending alot of time with this new single girlfriend of hers. Out of no where she was staying out until 4am 3 days a week. So for the first initial month or so I thought
it was all the influence of the friend and I got online to see the changes I needed to make for myself to grow and be a better husband which she has noticed but thinks its all a mirage that will disappear shortly. So I basically had been running a plan A with her to show her how I can be.

Well unfortunately it just didnt feel right at all the friend was a influence for sure telling her she can be a single mom no problem but still this was my wife that was so committed to us I couldnt imagine this all from her friend. Well I decided it was time to put a keylogger on the computer. Finally got a yahoo converstaion where she asks for a place to go to eat and that he hadn't called her all day. Then I finally got the Verizon password and the password told me all I needed to know it was his name and year of birth. I then realized my wife was having a affair with a 22 year old.

She had been able to hide it because he was the son of her other good friend so the number was the same and thats why I had never put two and two together. So I took the advice on here and I exposed to everyone sent emails to her entire family. Called his parents with the phone records. Talked to my kids about it and let them know what is going on.

Well this of course got her plenty angry but she doesnt deny it and says the marriage is over so she can do what she wants to. So the last two nights she did stay at a friends house because there is no way I am leaving our home or my kids. I just dont know what to do I am doing plan A to the best I can but she doesnt wish to stop the affair or try to work on things. I am unsure whether to quickly move to a plan b? or what to do I know there is a still a struggle inside of her at times but she seems so sure its over I know there is that "Fog" but its hard to ignore it.
How she can look me in the eyes and say with full intenseness I can't ever love you again I want to be happy. It really knocks you off your feet.
Any help I would greatly be thankful for.
thanks.

What did they say? Did they already know?


He lives at home with his parents?


This is good.

How well have you done in your Plan A? How long have you been doing it?

If she left you need to secure your finances immediately. Don't contribute any money or resources to her affair and protect you and your kids.

Has she actually spoken of divorce?

Oh dear lord.. your situation sounds a lot like mine. I wish I had great answers for you, but if it's any consolation -I- remain hopeful for my marriage.

You have a great advantage over me, you didn't let her leave the home with the kids (stupid stupid stupid.. do NOT allow her to expose them to the OM).. now I have to fight that battle in court and pray to win.

My best advice is to Plan A for as long as you can stand it.. set a time limit and stick to it. Make your boundaries clear and if she doesn't want to play by the rules.. Plan B.

Listen to her, but don't take the venom she will spew to heart. There will be nuggets in everything she says that will allow you to gain greater insight into her needs and what she truly wants. But the majority of what will come out of her mouth are going to be half-truths, outright lies, omissions, accusations, and spite. You stand in the way of the only thing she currently believes will make her happy..

This is not your wife.. your wife has been stolen and replaced with an exact physical replica.. but she will try to betray every promise she ever made to you and her family, and she will betray herself and all of her dearest values in the process.

YOU are her lighthouse.. YOU are her way back home. If your love is strong enough to withstand this and still accept her into your heart as your partner for life.. then you have to be strong, and learn to be more patient than you ever thought you could possibly be.. because if she moves out with this kid.. it's going to take time.. maybe a long time for her to come to her senses and truly see the devistation in her wake.

Keep the faith man.. I'm only a month and a half ahead of you in this process.. and I've screwed up a lot. But I still see signs of hope.. and I still, for some crazy reason love my wife with all my heart. I miss her.. I don't like the Ice Queen (her wayward wife persona).. and I'm waiting for whoever stole my wife to give her back.

Java,

It is fog speak. You will get some good advice here so stick with it.

The way I look at it is the WS needs to justify their behavior.

Not many people will say, "Things aren't perfect but we have a good marriage with love and caring. I just want to sleep with someone else. I still love my husband." They have to talk themselves into believing they have a justifiable reason to do it.

Bad marriage and not in love pretty much cover that.

I notice a corolation between falling into a relationship with someone else leads to falling out of love with your spouse.

Java,

""So the last two nights she did stay at a friends house""

So this has just unfolded (unfeld?).

ALWAYS after exposure there is a terrible storm of anger and viciousness. Your job is to hunker down and wait it out. Plan A when ever you can.

She is humiliated, very angry, petrified, lost, and probably believes her world is crashing down around her. You be calm and collected, kind to her, her rock and, as it has been said to you already, her lighthouse in this storm of emotions.

Now about the 22 year old.

""but she doesn't wish to stop the affair ""

How can the A be continuing? Maybe you should have a man to boy talk with this little snot-nosed brat. I'm sure this juvi thinks he's in the movie "American Pie". Doesn't the kid have a father?

Wait for the storm to pass. Your WW should start seeing patches of reality pretty soon.

You have to keep working on yourself too, OK? Keep plan A'ing and filling her love bank as much as you can.

IMHO

kirk

Qoute

This is good.

How well have you done in your Plan A? How long have you been doing it?...

I have been doing it for about a month

If she left you need to secure your finances immediately. Don't contribute any money or resources to her affair and protect you and your kids.

Has she actually spoken of divorce? ....

we have spoken of divorce at the moment that is on the back burner.


I am really not sure what to do. We have talked some and for the time being will live together for financial reasons. She has no plans to stop the affair but has pulled back from wanting a divorce.

These ups and downs are just so dramatic one minute she acts somewhat like my wife again hugs mes and gives me a kiss the next minute shes secretly on her cell phone talking like a little giddy girl unfortunately got to hear about 30 minutes of them talking tonight when she thought i was asleep. Her voice is so different with him and acting so in love. I never imagined how hard this will be to always keep a cool head I wanted to bust through the door and hear her talk to me like that one more time. I know its just fog and that they don't live in reality. Its sure easy to think its all blissful when you get to sneak away and spend the night together while your BS (me) watches the 3 kids I am just preplexed at how to proceed.

I am doing what I think is a very good plan A. She definately notices my changes I have made and we actually are getting along very well. The affair though has no look of ending anytime soon. I guess I am just being a doormat. She says all the your my best friend I dont want to end this ugly and so on. I just dont know how this won't end ugly I want our marriage to work very badly and I think i can withstand this for many months but am I supposed to keep doing Plan A even with the affair in full swing? I just know I havn't done plan A long enough for B to have its full effect.

Unfortunately though I exposed everywhere I seem to be dealing with many moral bankrupt people. His parents who he lives with dont like it but are allowing her to stay up there with him any night she wishes. Her sister was the only one to have a talk with her and basically said she didn't like the affair but she would support her no matter what.
My kids put some pressure on her but I pulled back on letting them be hurt by this anymore I already see a such a big affect on my middle son is really sad.

Ugg the phone call really hit me good it one thing to know about the affair and even to visualize them being together its a whole different thing when you actually hear the way she talks to him and to know she hasnt like to you like that since you were first dating. to hear her fake interest in stuff you know she doesnt like just to make him happy to hear the " I love you Too" at the end of the call. Only thing that at least made me think she has some doubts is i heard them talk about their future he was all go hung I could tell talking about them running away and getting marriage kinda hard since we are still marriage that little maggot anyways but she said lets just take it as it comes.

i guess what Im asking is how do I do plan A when the affair isnt stopping. I know having us living together and her being with me alot has brought has closer but she is having the cake and eating it to. I just dont know when to go dark.
Please helps thanks

Don't know what advice to offer. I'm sure you'll get good advice here.

Just know even tho no advice my heart goes out to you.

Java,

So how old is your wife?

The kid is 22 and lives with his folks? Is he going to school? Works full time?

So she's infatuated with her little boy toy. And he with her.

Have you seen or met the kid? You know where he lives?

Halloween is coming up...maybe some tricks are in store.

Or some direct one on one.

""She has no plans to stop the affair but has pulled back from wanting a divorce. "" ??????????

She is deeply awash in the pheremones and endorphins gushing from the pleasure centers in her brain which are totally FOGGING UP all intelligent life in there.

You have got to get that 22 year old drug away from her somehow.

Maybe a hard dark plan B to shake her tree. Or some D papers to sign could shock her into reality.

Stay strong and calm for the kids

So how old is your wife?

shes 33

and yes I fear that a dark B might be the only thing to bring her back to reality

It is very disrespectful for your wife to be talking to the other boy in your own home. Ask her to leave when she feels the need to talk to him.

Also, I would get busy in the evening and not sit home and babysit while she is out conducting her affair.

I guess a lot has happened to us in the last week. Shortly after i heard the phone conversation I asked her to stop this in our house she choose to move out with her friend. Its been very odd situation She had been around now and then to watch our youngest.

Well at the same time all this has been going on My company downsized and I accepted a decent Severance package. This has given me the chance to move back home to southern California.

Any doubt I had in believing the Fog is real thing was definately taken away.Somehow she has agreed that I will move back home with our children and she will stay here for now and continue her life here 1200 miles away because she can't think of leaving this new relationship. I am still quite stunned by all this. My wife was a fantastic mother
her whole life was devoted to the three children. Now its more important to her to be with a 22 year old kid then all of us.

I am hoping that moving home where all our family is will be a great thing for our kids and hopefully she will awaken from this haze once we are gone. I just cant get over the fact she is staying and allowing me the kids. Talk about alien aduction my wife is so so far away now from the person I have loved everyday.

I guess my question to anyone would be is this is a good thing? I feel it will somewhat be a very strong plan B where she will have to fend for herself here while he will have to meet all her needs and she knows the doors are open to her to come to us at anytime. I guess if she doesn't make the move its truly all I need to know about her anyways if she can stay here forever and not see her kids then I don't want to be married to this person anymore.

Thank in advance for any advice this is all so exhausting.

Java,

You are in the hotspot right now...you are not a doormat. You are battling to save your marriage...and the dragon is fantasy.

Draw the lines like believer advised...no contacting the person who is attacking your marriage in your marital home. I did this...stunned because it didn't seem like Plan A (taken as doormat) and my WH actually went outside to speak with OW...even when I wasn't home. Help ME to know my own boundaries.

Next, look up getting your kids into counseling...play therapy for this traumatic experience. You're looking out for them...include yourself...find out your options, what's available. That's reality...bring it home.

Then...find out if you're in a state that has the Alienation of Affection law on the books. A letter from a lawyer, if you are in one of them, may wake up the morally bankrupt folks. Adult-time with adult consequences. I wish it were national here in the US.

Plan B is NOT about bringing your WW back to reality...I gotta straighten that misconception out first. It's when you go dark to protect what's left of your love bank, and yes, as a byproduct, your WW experiences you not meeting any of her ENs...not FS, FC, DS...nada.

Have you had SF since DDay? If you have, please stop until you get STD testing. Only you can protect your health...and it's a reasonable, awful consequence to infidelity. Do not have SF with her in the future unless she's been tested and cleared, as well, okay?

And please stop DJing, 'k? To assume what you don't know, can't know, will sabotage your Plan A and your Plan B. The fantasy, the drug of the high feelings is more important to her than anything else right now. That's standard for WS...doesn't mean she doesn't love you or her kids. Means she created and built resentment into entitlement...like Frog said. Really get this...for your actions now are more like a partner of a drug addict...do not stab yourself with HER unreality, 'k?

Btw, I remember that voice you described so well...brought it right back for me...hearing him talking in that way...even in his hello. Your pain is very real, your fear is real...all valid. We are asking you to heroically not react to your feelings (act from them and you're like a WS, really)...to know your feelings and act from your beliefs, for your goal--to save your marriage.

I don't think California has the Alienation of Affection law...can you find a state that does to move to?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That may be really bad advice, btw.

Have you armed yourself with your study material? Get "Surviving An Affair" by Harley (also Torn Asunder). Understand what A's are really about...read a lot...study...learn...know so you can center yourself in reality.

And do yourself a favor...the wife you knew, you may have viewed as never changing...she was always going to be this great wife, mother and best friend to you and your children. Now, she's an alien replicating your real wife...and you may think she's changed and will always be this way...

And you know better, don't you? People do change. We are dynamic, reactive creatures...and fog is real. Look at her as a person lost in fantasy...be her lighthouse...not a doormat to fantasy. Lead her...learn the lingo...your commitment to saving the marriage...your stuff SEPARATE from her stuff...which will model for your children how an adult faces adversities and chooses his destiny.

You're not alone. You can do this.

LA

Thank you Believer and Loving for the advice.

I live in Oregon unfortunately and the Alienation of affection law is definately gone here.

I Did ask her not to call him in our home and she chose to move out instead of respecting the boundaries.It is a very weird situation She does come three days a week and still sleep after work she works until 1am. Should I allow this even though she wont respect the boundaries?

As for the DJing I am really trying not to but the last few days have been truly been unreal. I am trying to think she is in there somewhere hidden beneath this alien form.

Monday was a just completely crazy day. Tuesday was probably worse. Monday I finally had my confrontation with the OM.
This 22 year old kid that looked about 16 to me with his baggy pants and huge head phones I about fainted. My 33 WW decided to leave our family for a child. We all talked for about a half hour I was informed we were all but divorced it was just the paper that was left and they were in love. Oh how grand. They are in love gotta love some punk kid hes in love with your wife.

I actually felt Like I handled it pretty well. I didn't go nuts or anything just tried to talk some since into them but it did no good on either side. Well then my fun really started and the Alien reared its ugly head. After I was done talking to them my daughter Hurt her neck pretty bad and we were going to the ER to make sure she was going to be fine. I called my wife to tell her but she wouldnt answer her cell since i had just had it out with her and Peanut i will call him. So on the way to the hospital we stopped at The Store where she works and her ride to stay at Om house was. Oh yeah my wife is now living with peanut and his parents gotta love these parents.
So my son ran in to see if she was there but they had just left.

We got to the Emergency room my daughter was pretty upset she had fell pretty good. My wife finally answered her cell phone and i put her on with my daughter. I hear her saying why did you go to safeway bothering my work what were you doing there? I couldn't believe it my 9 year old DD was sitting upset needing her mom and she just yelled at her for us looking for her at safeway. I grabbed the phone and hung up I was so upset.

We finally got in and they had to do a Ct and put a Iv in my daughter to make sure there was no damage. I was txting my wife. Once I said there was a Ct being done she seemed to realize it wasnt such a joke. I asked her to come down but said she couldn't get a ride back. I was elated again what great people I mean how fantastic they wont drive you here to see your daughter whos crying for you asking you to be here. Well luckily the tests get done and shes just got a bruise and will be fine just sore for a few days.

The next morning we get up and my daughter wants to try and go to school. So I agree and tell her to call if theres a problem. So she does call about 10am. I go pick her up. Once again shes asking for her mom. So we try her cell and no answer. I tell my daughter go ahead and call up to their house I don't think that should be a problem. My 9 year old calls up to ask for my wife at the OM parents house. His father answers. He starts screaming at my daughter asking if i made her call and to leave them alone. Before this we had never called there before period. My daughter hands up and is crying I asked her what happened she told me of him screaming at her for calling there.

Well about 10 minutes later. my wife calls and does she ask about how my daughters doing? nope. does she asks if she needs to be right down to be with her nope. Shes yells at me
for allowing her to call the place shes staying and to leave them alone. Does she apoligize for that piece of craps talking to our beloved girl like that nope she defends him and says that just how he is. What the ****** am I dealing with. So at that point i pretty much broke all LBing rules
I went off on her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My wife was so devoted to these kids and defended them to the end now shes letting some old man scream at them for trying to call their mom.

Well that was just the start to tuesday it gets alot better.
I had made friends with my wifes friend who origanally thought I was a real bad guy from all the things she was told but slowly she was figuring out almost everything from my wife was lies. Well she informed me that last week when I let me wife borrow my car to run errands oh yeah this is good. She was at a hearing trying to get a restraining order to kick me out of our place. Thank god the Judge told her no and that she needed therapy course theres nothing wrong with her so why would she need that at least thats how she feels. Best part about that was after the hearing she came and hung out with me and was really nice guess she decided she had to be nice once she was told that she couldn't kick me out.

Well I was a tad angry hearing that but oh now Tuesday gets better. A few hours later there is a ringing at my door.
I go and answer it and theres two police there. They say there was a call in about unlivable situation here and they had to check it out. Once again they fail the police say everything fine here and theres nothing to report. Apparently i found out the OM Mom had called that one in.
Either these people are completely as nutty as the alien form im married to or she has really fed them a good pack of lies about me I'm guessing its a little of both. or A lot of both.

So I guess my question is how the heck do I continue to Plan A at all with stuff like this being thrown at me nonstop?
Do I just now think of the Kids and myself and fight the fight for them and custody? I am so confused because this person really isn't my wife but at the moment she is my wife and shes doing great harm. The affair is definately not anywhere close to slowing down. She shows no remorse or any ounce of wanting to work on us. If shes this committed to the OM and has no immediate intention of stopping or working on Us do I just go to Plan D?

I feel like shes leaving no choice. I have really been working on me doing so much of what I should've been doing for years. It just doesn't seem to matter.
Thanks for allowing me to vent the last few days have not been fun

I would concern myself with legal protection and protection of your kids, if I were you, java. Your wife is dangerous to you and your children. Keep your kids away from her and get an attorney and tell him about the stunts your W has pulled on you, such as calling the police and getting the RO. She is looking for ways to get you thrown out of your house so can move in her boyfriend. Your kids will have be protected from her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Melody.

I think I knew that answer just needed to hear it. I've been trying to think theres some miracle solution to fix our family. Everyone kept telling me I had to do this. I've just been too stupid to listen.

java -

Lately there has been some situations in which the WW has had their BH kicked out of your house. I hope you got yourself an Atty for legal and financial protection. This WW and OM family seems to me very unstable and dangerous. Keep the kids away from this group - they are out to destroy your family and your WW is their ally.

the scene where your WW would not stand up for her children against the OM dad's tongue lashing is very rare and disturbing.

What's the current status?

I hadn't posted in nearly a month during my move with my Children from Oregon to California.
I moved into Plan B when I got here but I never realized how hard it would be to truly not speak with her at all.
I've had to a few times just because of my children.

They are with me here and she gave me temporary custoday for now. She says she needs time to figure out if shes moving here or staying with him. I guess thats the hard part the waiting in plan B. At frist my kids were calling all the time but they have been so hurt by her they don't wish to talk to her either. I am proud of them and they seem to be stronger then I am during this whole process.
God truly blessed me with these children I wish I could
be as sure about things as they are.

My DS 8 says to me That mom is not acting like a good person so I will wait to talk to her until she acts like my mom again. As I am so proud of him for standing up for what is right I am so saddened that my precious son ever has had to feel this. Its really hard because I try to keep reenforcing its not about them that we both love them but my wife has been so distant with them and so emtionless when they speak to her about how they feel. I am sure deep down sure hurts but when she speaks to them its as if she ignores them to save herself from the pain.

I guess I just needed to vent a bit I don't know what else I can do but stay patient and wait for the Affair to crumble. She is basically broke now has no car and lost her job due to the affair. I hate it though I still have this huge desire to help her and make sure shes fine but I know I must let her live by her choices hopefully make her way back to us and start the long road of recovery.

Well the kids and I have moved away from my WW. The interesting thing is now we are cut off from them. She is staying with OM and Family. Where we used to live in Seaside Oregon where the entire town is shut off from the storms. Sounds like the next 4 or 5 days they wont have power and phone lines are still down.

Should be interesting I guess not sure if this will have a good affect for them or a bad one. I have no clue whether they will bond through having to spend a week without power or the outside world or if some reality will finally hit her being stuck there without her family.

The Sad thing it is DD 10 year old birthday today so she can't even talk to her mother. I just hope shes safe up there. I know I can only just wait and see what effect this week has on them at least they will finally have to live some real life circumstances.

javaeak,
Enjoy the time w/ your Dear Children... Your WW chose her fate, and the storms have only helped w/ your Plan B.

Coincidentally I heard about someone from my work today whose family is incommunicado in Seaside...kinda spooky...

Who knows what is going on w/ WW...remember, Plan B is also designed to help you to develop the ability to not care so much what happens with her...

Love yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Love your kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Be the parent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks learning your right.
I am learning to be the Father I've always needed to be and its been great for me and my kids.

Yeah I do need to stop worrying about what happens to her I guess that will come with time.

Thanks for the Seaside update I can't get ahold of anyone all their cells have died it seems and the phones still wont go long distance into the land lines. I bet it is spooky there.