That was worse than anything for me........I just could never get myself to want my SO (at the time) sexually after I found out about her affair. For me, the trust issue was bad, but the fact that my SO would give herself (body) to someone else drove me crazy.

Im just curious if this was hard for anyone else to get over.

PS. Im divorced now, but I really dont think I could have ever gotten over this issue period.

yes..it is difficult. Dr. Harley addresses this. If there is more to get over, it is tougher. Also, for people that are very detailed in their thinking it is much tougher. I happen to be one of those types...my thoughts are very detailed, so it was very tough for me.

YES!! Still working on it.

I'll let you know when I get over it, StartinOver. Its the last remaining heartbreaker for me. And I don't see how I'll get over it because the facts won't change.

The way I found out about the affair is linked tightly to this too.

No, I don't think that will ever go away. Plus my XWW was the "giver" to OM of several oral sex sessions which I have had particular difficulty with. It just seems so much more intimate and submissive than if she just wanted to rut.

And MEDC is right, being a visual thinker is a real setback for this stuff.

The hardest thing for me was the knowledge that when two people are intimate they create soul ties (that's why I don't think there's any such thing as casual sex). Knowing that my FWH brought soul ties with strangers (two OW) into our marriage was (is) very hard.

If people only knew what was happening in the spiritual realm when they had sex with someone outside of marriage, they might think twice about it.

In a marriage the soul tie is healthy and binding. It allows for a closeness unique to all others.

Great damage was done to our marriage because of my FWH's affair(s). We ARE healing and ARE happier than we've ever been, but it's been very hard... especially in this area.

I don't think that I've ever stopped wanting my FWW sexually, thank goodness. But at the rare times I do think about her and the OM doing the nasty, my mind just goes black. It still hurts at times when she acts like it really wasn't that big of a thing.

Oddly, imagining ex and OW being intimate sexually didn't bother me as much as:

Thinking of ex being intimate with me, after I realized he had spent the day with her. I am still astounded that he could make love to like that when he was professing his love to someone else all day.

Thinking of ex touching OW's face and gazing into her eyes. Apparently, his feelings have little to do with where he puts his man member. But he never gazed into my eyes, never held my face in his hands. That is the thought that burns a hole in my soul, him holding her face and gazing at her.

Oh heck no. Sometimes when I get a little down I think of them rolling around and frolicking together. After A date that I paid for with my money.

Great memories.

StartinOver,

I think for the majority of us, this is the biggest hurdle. For me, I think it's the straw that will break this camel's back. Unfortunely for me I know the OW very well so it's like a freakin movie when my mind get to that place.

But it's the fact that someone else experienced the sounds, facial expressions,tenderness......that's what hurts the most. The "club" has taken on a new member(s) and your membership has been evoked.

Good luck to you....I have to believe that there is love/honesty out there for all of us.
Tami

Yea, coming up on three years since D-day and I'm not over that, doubt I ever will be. I'm a visual type too.

NW

Hello StartinOver!

Oh brother. I was on my way to bed and then I saw this thread. I'm rarely in this particular forum, but your question speaks to me in such a significant way.

I am absolutely stymied by the head monsters that visit me with details of the lustfest. I am having such pain, imagining my professor and the very young OW, all lathered up. I love my husband. He was my first and only.

I don't understand how he could perform random sexual acts with various OW. I don't understand sex, minus love.

This is significant to me. He didn't protect our marriage, he didn't protect our love and he certainly didn't protect his member. Even though we are currently in recovery, this horrible vision of lust and thrust....Well, it just makes me want to bite through my lower lip.

Please. Someone tell us all, that the visions eventually disappate, or lessen. If these mind movies are going to be with me for the rest of my life, then it's not going to be pleasant at my house.

My husband is very proud of the fact that he "kept his ring on at all times." I find myself staring at his hands, knowing where they have been. He should not be proud.

This is not my husband's first or only affair. Somehow, I don't remember hurting like this 20 years ago. Maybe time will take this away? I pray so. I really, really do.

Good questions. It has been 4 years in just a couple of weeks since FWH was intimate with OW, but.....

I still get visuals while FWH and I are having SF, it makes me feel icky and completely spoils it for me about 9 out of 10 times.

I try to focus on the fact that he was never affectionate or loving with her and there was never any hand-holding or snuggling, a fact that really annoyed OW. But it doesn't help much.

I don't think I'll ever completely get over it. I never heard any details from FWH. I didn't ask and he would have lied anyway. He did say that it was never anything very creative or special, which I don't believe for one minute....I just assume they did every perverted thing FWH could come up with since OW was willing to do anything to keep him involved.

Who

I think it depends on your circumstances. The lies surrounding the act hurt me more a year later than the actual act itself. It still is tough to get over, but it doesn't "hurt" so much as get you mad after some time.

I also think that men and women approach this differently. The answers you have gotten show that. Men focus on the act itself, women focus on the bond created in the act.

It hurts either way.

I think it also depends on how long you were with that other person.

Thanks for being transparent everyone.

Im remarried and my wife was married previously. Somehow, knowing she had a sexual past prior to me does not affect the way I feel for her in the least sexually. But! knowing that my EX and I were intimate, and then she had sex with someone while we were together......just ripped my heart out. Mentally it shut me down sexually with her. She just seemed gross to me after the act.

I am a detail oriented person and I had to ask my WW the SF related questions!

What STILL bothers me to this day is that my WW must think I'm 'dumber than dirt' after having caught her and OM in a motel room (I knocked on their door) and my WW later syas when she returned home that --

"He slept on his side of the bed and I slept on mine!"

She still maintains this stance even AFTER OM CONFESSED to his W that he had SF with my WW!

I have unconvered 3 motel stays between my WW and OM and YET she says they never had SF!!!

This gross denial really ticks me off!