Help! I can't tell if my husband is in withdrawal or not. He moved home after a year long seperation and has been home for three months. Ten days ago my husband started a new job and has said he has had N/C with OW since then. He states he doesn't know if we would be better without each other. He thinks I would be happier with someone else. He says he loves me and that I am a good woman. Is he in withdrawal? And how long can I expect this to happen. When will he begin to come around and start welcoming my affection. He still seems guarded. I guess I don't know if he is in withdrawal or is he still in contact with OW and is still fence sitting even though he is home. On the night of his going away party he did not get home until 7:30AM. He said he stayed at a male coworkers house so he didn't have to drive. I called the coworker and he confirmed that he stayed there. This is not like my husband in 14 years he's never stayed out and was extremely responsible.

If contact was ended 10 days ago, he is in the very early stages of withdrawal, and the pull to be with OW is very strong right now. He is going through DETOX, and will say anything to get his fix.

He will say you deserve better, he will say he's not the man that you need, and never CAN be, he will say that you are better off without him, etc. It's all just him trying to push you far enough to tell him to leave so that he can get his OW fix, without the guilt of HIM leaving.

He probably had some contact with OW at his 'going away' party. The clock for withdrawal starts on the last day there was contact of any kind. If he sees her, talks to her, visits with her, the clock restarts.

Was it like your husband of 14 years to have an affair? If no, then his actions now can not be compared to the level headed man he once was. He is NOT that person right now, nor will he really be for a while.

HE will not be receptive to you right now. If you can find some fun things to do, just to relax a bit, not be so serious. Anything that you like that you think he may enjoy, go do that! Also, for you, take care of yourself, find fun things for you to do, to self nurture. You will have to keep your strength up! Get yourself out and have some fun, too! Even if it's just taking a walk, or going to the mall to shop a bit, or watching a movie you love, just do it.

Thanks. Husband states that OW was not at going away party. Not that I believe hime but OW wife usually is home on the weekends and he knows about the affair. OW husband worked with them as well but is now at a different location. Not sure if she was there or not. Should I try to find out? I'm sorta at a lost right now as I thought my husband would be enthusiatic about coming home. He said he thought he was doing the right thing. He seems to reject any affection I offer him and is somewhat aloof. We do have some good days in the mix especially when we get away. I'm trying really hard but feel very depressed about where we are at. He still isn't going to MC or getting help. I think he feels like the loving feelings would be there when he came home but they weren't of course. So I'm not sure if he is questioning his decision to move back home and if this is normal and how do I act. Or if he is still in contact with OW on some level and is still confused and is fence sitting. Which is it? Withdrawal or couls he be in contact with OW still. For the first couple of months he was home he was in contact w/her so I assumed he was not in withdrawal yet, but the last 10 days he has been at his new job. Should I check it out as far as the N/C or let it go since he is home and wait it out.

I would find out from the OWH if she stayed out all night too. I suspect that might have been the case. And if that is the case, then the affair is probably back in full swing. It will be real important to watch him like a HAWK until trust is restored. Check his cell phone bills, computer, etc. Ask the OWH to stay in touch with you so you can compare notes and make sure contact is ended.

If you can rule out contact, then it may just be that withdrawal is finally starting.

I would check out that he has not been in contact, not relying on him to be honest about it.

As ML says, if NC is in place, he will begin suffering withdrawal. And, no, he will not be receptive to affections from you right now. That's why I suggest that you take good care of you, and if you can, plan to do things together that are light and fun. Even if it's just playing frisbee, or just sitting outside and talkin 'bout the weather. It's really a pretty time of year to just go outside.

OWH is not all that helpful. I really don't get him but he really doesn't seem like he's out to help me(us). Is there any way to tell if he or OW have a pay as you go cell phone? My husband would email from home. He could from work but not sure if he would do that at a new job. If he is still talking to OW, what then? Do I ask him to leave until he can N/C? Then Plan b after he leaves. Or do I have him remain home and ask again for N/C.