Hi FF!! i almost called you on my way home today but then i didn't. my bad!

i will call you tommorow. i do have a full day in lab, starting at like 4am, ugh!! so if i don't call you call or email me and nudge me. i'll need the break!

Hey FLT2H - How are you doing this evening?

i'm doing so so. DH and DS are watching cubs game downstairs, i think i'm kinda hiding out up here. i came up to take a shower, just not made it there yet.

how are you?

after posting to you i did get in the shower and then joined DH and DS to watch some baseball.

as we went to sleep i talked to DH about how i was thinking that making an appt with the dr to talk about how i have been feeling might be a good idea. and to talk about maybe going on meds again. i also asked him about any luck finding a counsoler cuz i felt i really needed to start going. he said he would definitely do it tommorow, that he was having a hard time figuring out how to word the email asking for recommendations. i suggested saying that I was struggling with FOO issues. he thought that sounded ok. perhaps we should also say that the problems i am having is causing problems in the marriage too. just to give him the whole picture.

i just want to feel better.

anyway, now i'm awake so i'm doing some work, in the hopes it will make tommorow go a little easier.

on the night shift here i guess.

Hey FLT2H - I'm still here... I've got some things to take care of but I'll check back in a little bit...

Glad that you're going to get some help...

Semper Fi,

RIF

my installation failed... i just sent email to a bunch of people who ARE sleeping.

guess there is nothing more i can do so i'm off to bed, i think i am tired enough now...

thanks for checking in with me.

i'm so blessed to have you guys supporting me.

i'm so sleepy now. nite

Hey FLT2H - Sleep well and get some rest! I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Semper Fi,

RIF

i just wanted to report, i am feeling better today. i didn't get much sleep and i'm thinking it's going to be a difficult day at work, but i'm feeling better. i wish i could understand why.

Sometimes I think it just helps to get all those negative emotions off your chest. All the support you have here helps also. I am glad you can call faith. She has kept me going more than she knows. I always feel better after I have had a response from her. I am glad you are feeling better. Hope things continue to improve for you. Still praying for you.

FF is a great lady!!! I'm glad you have her as a supporter.

FL

You need to find something in your life that is POSITIVE and makes you giddy with the way it extends your skills and rewards you with deep satisfaction.

If no part of your self is redlining positively on a regular basis it makes capable people frustrated and that manifests in tetchiness, depression, feelings of self-blame , disappointment etc etc.

You are clearly an extraordinarily capable woman and you desperately need to be driven hard in a positive, creative way.

Its not praise, just fact. You are pacing your cage like cheetah in captivity. you need to run so hard your lungs can't quite cope regularly to remind yourself that inside you are not as tame as much of your life requires you be.

I know this. It was me too until I found ways to extend myself enormously on a regular basis that were not counter to my marriage or my family.

what ways are you using?

if you don't mind me asking...

Hi GC and FCF.

* My work, shamelessly manipulated to be on MY TERMS. Very fulfilling but in its right place behind God, wife, self and family.
* My faith, I am drinking down scripture and learning rapaciously and applying it like never before. I can't explain but I LEAP to pick up my study bible now. Its not a chore. I don't go to sleep having read two verses any more.

These endeavours both run at a careening pace that I can barely keep up with, stretching my intellect and concentration beyond its limit.

With this using up so many cycles I have much more patience and proper context to deal with the rest of my life. We had a "nuclear winter" of mood this week and I have been able to deal with it better and more relaxedly than any time in the past 25 years, I think , because I wasn't wired with untapped potential.

thanks for sharing. i think i need to chew on it a bit now.

I have a friend who's accelerating his photography hobby into something far greater and more artistic. He's learning at an incredible pace and producing breathtaking ( even to him) art.

Another has started coaching a junior soccer team. He comes alive as pee wees coach.

Squid's friend has volunteered for missionary work in Albania several times per year. Squid will also attend the next season of mission work.

Squid is training for setting up her own business as a driving instructor, She is passing the very difficult exams and tests right now, while learning to set up and run a small business. Its hard but so deeply satisfying to do something positive that takes just a little more than we think we have.

Another friend is training a a nurse with a view to becoming a midwife someday. Its hard work for her, stretching her mind ,body an demotions but i so rewarding..


I could go on.

Find something that will challenge yo and make you feel satisfied and do it hard.

Now that my gout is controlled ( another by product of teh gift that keeps on giving <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )I intend to be fit enough to play veterans rugby in 2008. It's very hard training and remembering rules is tough, but hey...faint heart never won fair maid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do it FL. Inspire yourself and look at the world through eyes already knowing,not only seeking, self-satisfaction.

Hi Bob,

given everything... i worry that doing as you suggest would be running away from dealing with what is going on in me. know what i mean?

or might i just be insiting that something is "wrong" with me when in reality i actually am ok as is?

i'm going to just focus on enjoying my weekend right now.

even so, i think what you are saying is something every one should do really. it's called having a purpose in life that you believe in. you are right, i don't feel i have purpose right now.

i like your goal of playing in veterans rubgy. execellent challange. on that level i have two thoughts... i would love to participage and finish some sort of marathon, like one that includes riding, running and swimming. also a few years back i was roller skating a lot, like learning to dance on skates. i was in a couple of shows (not as a star!! more like in the background) but it was very very fun.

nite.

ok, so i'm still awake actually...

the thing is, i used to believe i could do anything. i mean seriously, not cuz i have a big ego i just thought if you try hard, anything is possible.

i don't believe that anymore.

FL

Its not so big as a "purpose in life" (although perhaps everybody SHOULD ave that).

There's a real analogy in the auto world.

I run a diesel pathfinder. The engine is brilliant for lugging and cruising.It gets breathless if I gun it, but its just not in its nature to be gunned.

I also run an Opel Speedster. Its a race car weighing 820 kgs. It has a super-strong, super light glued alloy bath as its chassis, is mid-engined for perfect balance, and has no power steering for perfect feel. Plastic body panels for weight saving.

I can thrash it as hrd as i want for hours on a racetrack and it jut comes back, laughs in my face and says " I'm better than you ! I'm LOVING this !".

When I lug and cruise, the speedster farts, coughs, rides rough. Jerks, not much fun at all unless I thrash it as intended occasionally to keep all the functions operating at peak design parameters.

When I DO that, it'll lug and cruise all next day.

Fl, you're a Speedster, not a pathfinder. I am also a speedster. It doesn't make us better or worse than pathfinders, it just means we have different operating parameters.
It means that of we're going to lug and cruise we need to have the heck thrashed out of us regularly to keep everything limber.

Same with us in marrigebuilding and relationship managing in life. Some of that takes a lot of patience with situations that requires us to be pathfinders, or even folks who are 4-pot minivans from 1977.

As long as we get to thrash out our full capability in another part of our life, that stuff can be managed with honesty, grace and patience, and without the feeling of "patronising the pathfinders".

Find something that is your mental of emotional equivalent of a joyful ten laps around Bedford Autodrome ( a fantastic racetrack for all comers in the UK) and you can lug and chug more satisfyingly.

Just IME

Just checking in. How are you feeling today?

Hi GC,

thanks for checking in with me. we were out of town for an extended weekend because the kids were off school.

i do have some stuff to share but i'm too tired tonight.

hi bob, thanks for expanding your thoughts. still mulling it over a bit. if i get too involoved in something else, DH is bound to feel i'm neglecting him.... maybe, maybe not.

i'll post more tommorow.