Hi,
Here's my situation which I would like advice on, bit complex but will try and simplify it:
- Relationship of 2.5 years. Very close and great connection instantly something special for both of us. Met in person then LDR for a year, then lived together.
- Problems started a few months after living together, I got stressed about changing my life and my new business not working. I didn't meet her needs primarily with her 6 year old son I was also stressed with.
- Found out in the last few days after I returned to the UK from Japan that she has been seeing someone else and is now living with him in our home.
- I returned because I thought I was getting a job and future for us but really she was wanting to investigate her relationship with him while keeping me as Plan B.
- When I found out due to PC activity over the weekend I have come back to Japan and confronted her. She admitted everything and said that as I have said above because I was not meeting her needs and was stressed.
She keeps emphasising how good this new guy is with her son. I told her it is early days and everyone is perfect and well behaved at the start of a relationship.
She then found out he has been accepting cute girls requests for my space chats and profile views, I should add that I am 33, she is 36 and he is 31 though obviously immature.
She has gotten very upset and sees now a different side to him. She said today she was going to finish it but I found out tonight she lied again and he was still there tonight. I have yet to speak to her about it.
My guess will be that she is finding it difficult to end it even though she now does not trust him, especially after a similar history of cheating with her husband, but is addicted to the support he provides to her son.
I know she is also scared about lack of money and her future.
So, I have not spoken to her again yet, though I did call a couple of times and send her an email saying call me now, so she knows I probably know he was still there.
Advice on other websites so far seems to have been get rid of her, finish it etc.
Problem is I really love her, and she can see that, I flew 7000 miles back to her. She seems to think that she doesn't love me enough as much as I love her, but to be honest I was a bit over the top before, too much.
This guy also is a carbon copy of me, more athletic and more hair :-) but a virgo, similar age, same job, divorced as well. It's like she was trying to replace me and what we had at the beginning and for 2 years together.
She keeps telling me how wonderful what we had was and why did I mess it up.
In my view I did mess up but she did not support me in my business or give me much help in our new life we were both to blame.
So anyway, sorry to go on, she seems to be struggling and is confused, I can meet her financial needs wheras he is not, I meet some emotional needs as she calls me a lot to talk about him in the last couple of days which is really difficult and I know she still loves me in some way.
I was ready to go crazy at first but after reading Dr Harley I guess the best approach if I want her back is one of support followed by Plan B at some point. What does everyone think?
Problem is I can't stay here for anywhere like 6 months and if I am not in the same country being there for support and advice will be difficult, I would have to do Plan B a lot more quickly which may push her to him.
I am also scared that by being there for her she will use me and have her cake and eat it, getting money and support from me and still having me as a friend but he gets her time, love and sex. I am finding that hard to cope with.
Is an approach of distance and jealously more like "stop your divorce" where he advocates dating other women etc more appropriate.
One thing I am definitely going to do is that if she wants to live with him she can't do it in the apartment I pay for. So although if supporting her is the best option, I will not make it too easy for her and she will have to change apartments which he will have to pay for.
Sorry for the length and rambling, would really appreciate some advice in the next 12 hours so I Can work out my approach before I speak to her again/
Thanks All

Spike,

I guess if you keep trying you will find someone to agree with you. I am just curious. Would you please answer a few questions for me.

If I told you I had a girl for you and she was beautiful, friendly, sexy, very giving would you be interested?

If I also told you that she:
lies, cheats, uses men to support her and her daughter, and has no problem playing one man against another, would you STILL be interested in her.

Love my friend is a several things. It is a verb, an action, something you do or someone does to you. She does NOT love you by this definition. You did NOT love her by this definition.

Love is also used to describe a feeling. Feelings come and go, that is why when we marry we don't promise to "feel in love" with our intended. You have feelings of love for her. She has no feelings of love for you.

Add to this that you two are NOT married, and I have to ask you is 1 out of 4 good odds for success? Not really and you know it.

So my next question is do you get excited by being used?
Do you get excited when you are disrespected?
Do you get excited when you are rejected?

Do you find fulfillment in any of those actions?

If the answers are no to these questions, and you KNOW that you two have little together, other than YOUR image of her, rather than the reality of her actions, I must say you have been given great advice...take it.

You said

Let's see she can see that you love her and her actions are what???? Bring the OM into an apartment you pay for and live with him??? You love her why? See my previous questions.


Hello, this statement has nothing to do with the reality of things.

News flash here, you HAVE been replace my friend. He is with her and you are not. Whether he looks like you or not has very little to do with it now, nor your chances of recoverying this relationship and making it better.


Well see here is the problem. You did mess it up, but love endures that and will in a marriage. She on the other hand "messed it up" by replacing you with another man. she seems unable to accept the reality of her decisions, making her decision making suspect, and that includes deciding to get back together with you.


Just the sort of person most of us want: A fair wheather spouse, GF, BF, someone you cannot count on when the going is tough. Remind me you love WHAT about her??


Well we know she likes your money as she has graciously allowed you to pay for her and her boyfriends place to life. That was very nice of her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Here is what I think. You might make some headway using the techniques on this site. You WILL be better served to learn these techniques and use them on a different woman. Recovery for an affair is very very difficult, and it takes several years at least. Your chances of success are not great given what has happened and the flaws in her character that have been exposed. It is hard to believe that any person would feel it is alright to move someone into a place paid for by the person they dumped.

I think you should learn the tools and methods of this site, and You should move on.



YOU WILL NOT RECOVER THIS RELATIONSHIP IN 6 MONTHS. That is a solid fact. You are out of time my friend and it would be a crime to waste on a woman that really wants another man. You two are NOT married, you do not share children, you did not show much interest in her child before. You are NOT the right man for her. She is NOT the right woman for you. That is why we date and yes even have engagements before marrying to see if the other person is really suitable although we may be strongly attracted to them. Your GF has proven to be unsuitable to you, and you have proven to be unsuitable to her.

Move on. That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

MOVE ON. Quickly!