Hi,
Here's my situation which I would like advice on, bit complex but will try and simplify it:
- Relationship of 2.5 years. Very close and great connection instantly something special for both of us. Met in person then LDR for a year, then lived together.
- Problems started a few months after living together, I got stressed about changing my life and my new business not working. I didn't meet her needs primarily with her 6 year old son I was also stressed with.
- Found out in the last few days after I returned to the UK from Japan that she has been seeing someone else and is now living with him in our home.
- I returned because I thought I was getting a job and future for us but really she was wanting to investigate her relationship with him while keeping me as Plan B.
- When I found out due to PC activity over the weekend I have come back to Japan and confronted her. She admitted everything and said that as I have said above because I was not meeting her needs and was stressed.
She keeps emphasising how good this new guy is with her son. I told her it is early days and everyone is perfect and well behaved at the start of a relationship.
She then found out he has been accepting cute girls requests for my space chats and profile views, I should add that I am 33, she is 36 and he is 31 though obviously immature.
She has gotten very upset and sees now a different side to him. She said today she was going to finish it but I found out tonight she lied again and he was still there tonight. I have yet to speak to her about it.
My guess will be that she is finding it difficult to end it even though she now does not trust him, especially after a similar history of cheating with her husband, but is addicted to the support he provides to her son.
I know she is also scared about lack of money and her future.
So, I have not spoken to her again yet, though I did call a couple of times and send her an email saying call me now, so she knows I probably know he was still there.
Advice on other websites so far seems to have been get rid of her, finish it etc.
Problem is I really love her, and she can see that, I flew 7000 miles back to her. She seems to think that she doesn't love me enough as much as I love her, but to be honest I was a bit over the top before, too much.
This guy also is a carbon copy of me, more athletic and more hair :-) but a virgo, similar age, same job, divorced as well. It's like she was trying to replace me and what we had at the beginning and for 2 years together.
She keeps telling me how wonderful what we had was and why did I mess it up.
In my view I did mess up but she did not support me in my business or give me much help in our new life we were both to blame.
So anyway, sorry to go on, she seems to be struggling and is confused, I can meet her financial needs wheras he is not, I meet some emotional needs as she calls me a lot to talk about him in the last couple of days which is really difficult and I know she still loves me in some way.
I was ready to go crazy at first but after reading Dr Harley I guess the best approach if I want her back is one of support followed by Plan B at some point. What does everyone think?
Problem is I can't stay here for anywhere like 6 months and if I am not in the same country being there for support and advice will be difficult, I would have to do Plan B a lot more quickly which may push her to him.
I am also scared that by being there for her she will use me and have her cake and eat it, getting money and support from me and still having me as a friend but he gets her time, love and sex. I am finding that hard to cope with.
Is an approach of distance and jealously more like "stop your divorce" where he advocates dating other women etc more appropriate.
One thing I am definitely going to do is that if she wants to live with him she can't do it in the apartment I pay for. So although if supporting her is the best option, I will not make it too easy for her and she will have to change apartments which he will have to pay for.
Sorry for the length and rambling, would really appreciate some advice in the next 12 hours so I Can work out my approach before I speak to her again/
Thanks All

If you are not married, stop paying for anything of hers immediately and run away as possible from this women. I don't care if you are "in love", there are plenty of other women out there that you can love that won't cheat on you. Read up on the keys to making a marriage work, so your next relationship will work out, but don't stay with this stinker of a relationship. Things will only get worse once you are married and have kids. Then you will lose half your assets and your kids. Count your blessings that she showed her true stripes before you ever made that commitment. DUMP HER! When you do, she'll likely try to suck you back in or make you feel guilty for cutting her off. Don't fall for it. Cut ties with her and don't have any contact for life. Don't let her suck you back in. The only way to do this is a clean break.

I gotta say I tend to agree with Jim. Of course, my opinion is definitely tainted by my recent experiences as a BS.

I think you should consider yourself fortunate that this happened before you made any more permanent ties to this woman. You aren't married, you aren't in a position to very easily repair the relationship, and she is not even making the decision to leave difficult for you imo. She is leaching off of you and hosting another man in the home you provide her and her child. It just seems doubtful that it improves from there, especially since you don't seem to be in a position to enforce the steps necessary to recover (such as No Contact, spending 15 hours/week together, etc). In order to repair the relationship you would have to drastically alter your lifestyle, and as hard as recovery is, and as tenous as your ties to this woman are, I don't think anyone here would advocate that you do that.

Take what you have learned from this an apply it to your next relationship and realize how much worse this could have been.

Good luck, I hope you find the right answer.

OMG, run, run, RUN from this woman. She's dishonest and an adulter, and she's using you to pay for her wellbeing while she scr*ws around with someone else. IMO you should cut ties ASAP (including all financial ones, such as renting that apartment for her), and avoid ever being in contact with her again.

RUN!

Spike:

I have to agree. This is not someone that you can create a healthy relationship with, and you have no children.

IMHO, RUN. Meet someone that deserves you.