Hi, care to share some of your personal and marriage boundaries?

Sure! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

After all lot of deep thought (a long time ago), I revised my boundary list and narrowed it down to 1 thing that no matter which way I turned was a constant factor (of course this is regards the A): NO OP in MY LIFE!

That's it. Of course there are other boundaries but after reviewing the long list, I realized this was and still is a biggie for me. It was and is a deal breaker..... though it took a while to get back on course. See it was a deal breaker before the A or so I thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But when my mind and heart went out of sync....well it took a bit longer to get back on course. When I did..... it was much easier to ID my boundaries and implement them (or it). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hey, this is good question....any more opinions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I don't have time to list more than one right now, so I'll list and come back next week with the WHOLE list. LOL

Our only marital boundary that we actually came up with together so far, for both our protection is:

No yelling, and no name calling.

My husband cannot handle yelling of any kind or name calling. I tend to get very passionate when I am riled up (he calls me a his hot tamale) and then forget about it 10 mins later. I come from a VERY passionate family. But we both realize this will ruin our M, him being the way he is. I had to put the boundary on me to not do it to protect him.

I'll be back with my personal boundaries next week.

The abbreviated version:

1. I will not remain in a marriage where no effort is made to meet my emotional needs.

2. I will not remain in a marriage in which I am not permitted to communicate freely.

3. I will not remain in a marriage in which I am abused in any way or manner.

4. I will not remain in a marriage in which retributive or vengeful behavior is used against me.

5. I will not remain in a marriage where my spouse's relationship with me does not come before her family, her job and anything else.

6. I will not remain in a marriage where I’m continuously hurt because my partner chooses to pursue her own interests at the expense of myself or the marriage.

7.I will not remain in a marriage with a partner that I perceive to be dishonest.

It's sad the kind of boundaries one has to put into place once their spouse has had an affair. The kids of things you think would never have to be stated or summarized.

I'll list some of mine quickly:

I will not go to a bar without my husband.

Only the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth will be spoken in my home...by myself, my DD & my DH. My home will be a place where truth is always safe to be spoken.

I will not be married to a dishonest man.

I will not stay in a situation that threatens my sanity.

My DD's happiness and well being will come first and foremost to me until she is an adult.

I will never again put my happiness in the hands of another human being.

I will trust my gut instincts first, and investigate second.

My husband will be a good friend and good host to my DD, and her Dad will be respected in our home.

I will be treated with love and respect by my husband, and I will always treat him and DD with love and respect.

I will not remain in a marriage where everything I receive from my spouse can be bought from someone else.

Well said, weaver! It is really sad indeed. My WH once made the comment about all these boundaries talk and stuff makes him very depressed. He said M shouldn't be that way. We should be 'free' from boundaries. We should not live like caged animals where you know where the limit of the cage is. All true, I agree, until you decide to abuse that 'freedom' by having an A. Then we need to talk about boundaries because obviously, I cannot trust that you will know where they are now.

Ooooh, a boundary thread, just what I needed.

So tell me, what do you do when a boundary is crossed?

For example, MIM, you say that you will not remain in a marriage where you are abused in any manner, so if your wife calls you a name, you divorce her?

What I need is concrete, real-life examples of how to deal with boundary violations (you do a, b and c when a boundary is crossed) and to grasp how you all define when a your boundary has been crossed one time too many...when is the last straw...

Am I making sense? I'm tired, I might not be!

Here are some of my boundary posts:

Plan B in my back pocket thread

When to go to plan B

Boundaries and plan B help stop the fear



The one below if by Starfish:
The Carrot and th Stick of Plan A

Well, that's a start. If you do a search on the word 'boundaries' you will get an eyefull. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

My boundary: I will not go through another false recovery.


I just recently made my list of requirements for WS coming home. This list is HOW I enforce the above boundary. I don't expect to ever have to enforce them, because I don't think his fog will clear for another 10 years.

There are attitudes I list followed by actions. You may ask, how will I REALLY know that attitude change is there. The answer is: because he does the actions. I specifically choose actions that he will NEVER do unless it is the real deal-- especially the poly, post nup, & confession to children & extended family. I am not interested in any more false recoveries.

I want it to be almost impossible to get back into my life. The only way in now is authentic recovery, and even then, I'm not sure he gets the ticket in.

REQUIREMENTS TO COMING HOME

Humility

Remorse

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)

Authentic repentance

Owns his choices and the consequences they caused (to himself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)

Apology for the A and his hurtful actions before and after

Confession & apology to children

Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him

IC, MC, & Family C

Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose

Attend church again

NC Letter

Provide all cell phone & credit card records from this past year

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together

15+ hours together weekly

Pray with me daily

Polygraph

Post Nup agreement that provides for me very well if we ever divorce

This week I have been establishing boundaries for my "new" life. These boundaries are about how we interact and how much involvement he will have in my and my kids lives now that we are divorcing.

He has really been fighting these. He cannot stand that he no longer controls us. I can see it driving him crazy that I will hold the reigns in my own life...and since my kids are with me 85% of the time, the reigns in their lives as well.

I will post these boundaries more later. Right now, I gotta go.

OK MAZ an example.

I expect after working all day then coming home to do dinner-if someone is not going to be here for dinner, they call and let me know. Very simple request.

So heres a convo- Hey Mum sorry I'm late.

You didnt call love

Yea I know sorry bout that ma got a bit busy, Im starving, wheres dinner?

IN the dog...

Peace Max

You mean where everything given is of a shallow, superficial nature, Cy?

I've been pondering what you could mean. Kind of like a riddle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Max,

I have already had a boundary of mine crossed by my new husband where my DD is concerned. (DH is kind of a bossy sort) and what I did was calmly (well as calm as I can be when I'm excited) state the boundary and it's importance to me, and so far there hasn't been a repeat.

I had crossed one of his boundaries by raising my voice (well yelling actually, not calling him a name but swearing, too), and he let me know that is one of his boundaries (of course he doesn't use the word boundary) and I believe him, that this will not make for a happy marriage for us, so I haven't done it again.

Boundaries are a lot easier to maintain when you have a relationship based and established in respect. (but hey, we didn't even meet until we were 47, so we should be able to manage the respect part at our age).

But, it's a little more difficult with DD. She likes to test them every once in awhile. And when she does, she gets to write a sentence or two, handpicked by me, a few hundred times, scrub the bathroon, stay home with me for the weekend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...

Good thinking, mum! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had an IC (brief, solutions focused coach) that always said that if you have said it once, you have said it a thousand times. Really, more than once backfires. If they won't pick up around the house, and they know the rules...the clothes remain on the floor, unwashed until they can't stand it anymore and get the picture...or like my girlfriend did, they all went out the kids bedroom window onto the lawn. When her friends dropped her off and saw everything out of her room on the front lawn, she was so embarrassed and mortified <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, she started making sure her room was clean before she left the house.

waever, have been known to put dirty dishes on their bed...actually in their bed.

that works too.

Peace
Max

I've used those same responses to broken boundaries. My dear step-daughter would actually make me out to be the wicked step-mom because of it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well , lets face it Lamby

we are just here to facilitate;

screwing up everyone elses life coz we have boundaries.

it must suck to be us

Peace

Max

I think this is a great thread so here goes for me...

Still working on a good sound list but for starters

NO, NONE, NADA OW in my WH's life that is not a friend of our M. And I decide if they are M friendly or not.

IF WH EVER feels the need to converse/email/talk/act/etc. with another woman in a sexual manner (whether teasing, kidding or serious) pack his bags and leave BEFORE he does. Consequences for this one...VERY SEVERE.

There will NEVER be a woman invited to OUR home by him that has not been oked by me.

I'm still working on the rest.

I found 3 good websites on boundaries.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Fulcher3.html

http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/boundaries.htm

http://www.lifetoolsforwomen.com/p/personal-boundaries.htm

Although I understand about boundaries, I find it is easier said than done. I am struggling quite a lot in this department.