Need some help with a decision and please don't be mean because I'm really confused about this. Okay, here goes....I'm getting a divorce after 2 plus years of trying to "get over" my H's affair. I'm ready to move on, however, we're not legally separated yet, nor are we living in separate homes. We are not sleeping together, he has his room and I have mine. Legal paper work is in the process of being drawn up and I'm scheduled to move on Oct. 19th. That's the background, here's the question. I have an invitation from a gentlemen to have a drink with him this evening. Should I go? Let me say this, I'm not looking at him for a future mate or a relationship as I know that I'm not ready for that. I'm just looking for a friend. But to look from the ouside in it could look inappropriate even thought it would not be. What do you all think?

Be honest with yourself about who you are choosing to befriend and why. Then you can answer your own question. In the end, it matters not what we think, but what you do and how it meshes with your moral/spiritual compass.

EDITED TO ADD

In other words, if you are posing this question, then you probably know it's wrong for you in many ways.

Not,

I have to respond to your questions with a couple of questions, sorry.

1. Is this man married?

2. You say that you are not interested in him for a future relationship. What do you think his intentions are?

Who

No, it's not appropriate for a married woman to go on dates.

If you choose to allow men to meet your ENs you will be in a fog all your own before you can say "oops".

If you WANT to make a GOOD choice in a spouse the next time around you will have to hold to standards and boundaries more faithfully.

A man who approaches a not yet divorced woman still living in the marital home is a dud no matter how cute or funny he seems to be.

I'm really not trying to be stupid, but define married. Are we talking legally or spiritually? I'm released from my vows - at least that's they way I see it.

Boundaries? Hmmmmmm, this guy is divorced. His wife cheated on him.

Hmm.. that's the kind of two-step word tango that I'd expect to see from a WS...

Ok, If I were to say that in my opinion your M ain't over until the courts declare it so, will you come up with another reason to go out with the guy?

If you are not divorced legally then you are still married. No matter how many excuses you give yourself...it is wrong. If you go out with this man you are no better than the husband you are "trying to get over". Guess it depends on how you want to feel about yourself.

We were seperated when my H had his A..but it was still an A because we were still married. You are still legally bound to your husband until the ink is dry on your divorce papers. Don't become what has caused you so much pain.

Any man who would ask out a married woman is trash.

NGUY,

Have you searched your heart honestly and asked yourself if this gentleman has any influence on why you have chosen to end your marriage? Even if he's a conduit for admiration, appreciation, attention?

Guard your integrity. You need a friend...find a female one. Do not do that which your FWH...find a friend to meet his needs when he didn't believe you were...don't go that route, even for a drink.

LA

Married = married.

Not single. Not divorced.

Don't pull this "I had already left him/her in my heart" baloney.

You could change your mind 6 mo from now [don't argue with me..you'll miss my point saying "but I'm SURE I'm done" blah blah blah] and IF you did that you would...

1 regret having an affair [because this IS adultery]
2 Still consider yourself married and feel free to reconcile [here's a litmus test..would sex with your H at that point be fornication/illicit or is he still your H when you say so?].

You are playing head games with YOURSELF..trying to rationalize what you ALREADY KNOW is wrong behavior..you KNOW it or you wouldn't have asked!

If you'd like a cross section of how your H became a WS you've pretty well got it. How does it feel?

Geez, I'm not going to sleep with the guy. He has absolutely no influence on me because I could care less about him. He is divorced because his wife cheated on him. But it was just a drink with friend, nothing more, but I will tell you this, it does bother me thus is why I asked for your opinion. Not because I think it's wrong, because frankly I don't, but because I don't want it to appear that it's wrong. Does that make sense? I want to make sure that I'm above board and I don't want anything to appear that I'm cheating because that my friends is the furtherest thing from my mind. After what I've been through, I wouldn't/couldn't do this to another human being. So if you all, looking from the outside in, says it's cheating, then I respect that. I'll decline the invitation.

Thanks.

NGUY,

I think you sensed it would be seen as wrong because even when your intent is pure, you know that many an affair begins by people telling themselves it isn't like that...and then it is...so you got a great signal of...uh, oh...because it takes a lot of self-deception to talk yourself into things you have remorse for later.

Congrats on getting your signals, bravely coming here and checking it out.

LA

Sounds good.

You don't HAVE to be eyeball deep to be "over the line" you know what I mean?

Protective boundaries [like not having drinks alone with a man while you are married] provide an umbrella for YOU to not ever be in too far before you are even aware that something is going on.

He asked you out for a drink..that's a date.

Nice guy or not he is showing slippery fuzzy boundaries because on paper you are as married today as you were on your honeymoon.

However..you don't have to be cloistered either.

You could decline the solo invite and expressly SAY that it makes you uncomfortable because you are married..but say that GROUP activities would be OK.

It's OK to go out with FRIENDS [plural] because that necessarily removes intimacy/privacy which protects you from getting romantically involved before it's a good time.

I'm pretty sure that if I ask my FWW if she thought she'd end up sleeping with the OM before she had her A, she would say definitely not.


Again, I suspect that my FWW would say exactly the same thing about the first few steps she took with the OM before it turned into a full-fledged A.

Noodle's right on the ball with this. Certain behaviours are inappropriate, and going on a date with another man while M'd is one of them.

I wouldn't go as far as calling him scum though. After all, he might have exactly the same opinion about the date as you do - just something between friends. Perhaps you could ask him if he considers it wrong to go out on a date with a M'd woman? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I understand the need or desire to have a relaxing and non-pressurized evening when you've been through the ringer. It makes all the sense in the world to look to the future in your case.

However, drinks alone with a man while you're still married is a bad idea on many levels. There's the still married and it would be an affair issue. Then there are some practical things you may want to consider. If your D isn't final, who knows what will get dragged out in that process. Do you really want to give your husband's attorney fuel for defaming you if it comes to that? Sure, it won't come to that - until it does.

How do you know you won't start feeling things for him that leads to a situation that you will be sorry for later? Also, add alcohol to the equation and you could find yourself on pretty shakey ground. I know, you won't drink too much. Lots of us have said that before, too. Then we did get tipsy and do something silly.

I believe if you present your friend with options other than going alone for a drink, this will be a better decision for you. If he is truly a friend, he will understand your position and respect you for it. If you fully and honestly explain your feelings and reservations, he may have a solution of his own to share. Also, some prudence now could build a strong foundation for your friendship in the future.

Or you could bring along a female friend and then it would look and feel like something other than a date. And, if this man had "dating" intentions, then you would be letting him know that you didn't consider the engagement a date.

Who

Having a few drinks with friends may also become the start of a more eventful night.

It would be better to stay away from that until you are actually divorced *and* not still living with your spouse.

If for no other reason, than to avoid any negative appearance.

Okay, I guess I'm stupid. I thought a date was when a gentleman comes to your house and picks you up. I must be a little behind on the times. I guess I need a quick lesson on protocol.

Guys, I honestly love you all for your insight and your candor, but I do have the power to say No. No to sexual advances, etc. And, I'm very capable of doing it. As I said, I will wait until it doesn't appear that I'm cheating.

Now, one more question. My separation agreement (not my divorce decree - it takes one full year of separation before you can file for divorce in the state I live in)will be filed the week after next. Should I wait a year when I'm legally divorced, or does my separation agreement nip that in the bud? The separation agreement states that we are free to live without interference from the other so I just need your thoughts on this.

Thanks.

Oh yes, one more thing I wanted to add because this is something that I hate about myself. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong that I find myself doing nothing. I do have a sense of right and wrong but I'm too scared to get out there. I don't ever want to hurt like this again. It truly was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my lifetime. I may never recover, not 100% which is another problem. Crap, what a domino affect my H's A had on my life.

NYGU,

How long did your first marriage last and why did it end?

How long did you know your second husband before you married him?

Do you want to work on your self-hatred before you have another relationship?

LA

18 yeears. Lots of reasons, but I guess the main thing was that we never really had a marriage. I was my ex's mother. He came and went as he pleased and I was his servent. I cooked, cleaned, worked full time in a highly stressful job, took care of the children, etc. He contributed nothing - to a point that I didn't even know how much money he made. When I asked him, he said enough.



4 years.



Most definately. That's why I'm in IC. I told my C that we had to change courses because it's no longer an issue to try to make my marriage work, but I've got to learn to love myself. I'm either an enabler or so afraid that I look like a bit%# that I don't say anything, I just go with the flow. Stupid, huh? Yes, these are things I need to work on before the next relationship, but I'm not too sure I want another relationship, my trust just isn't the same as it once was.