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Joined: May 2004
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2334pem Offline OP
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Joined: May 2004
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Hi everyone. It has been a very long time since I have posted here. Yesterday a good friend of mine told me that she just discovered that her husband had an affair 5 years ago. I am posting to ask for some things that worked for those of you here who found out about something quite some time before now. I am sure that most of the same rules apply as for recovery. Keep in mind that this person is in the turmoil of pain right now and saying anything to minimize the pain she is feeling. Her husband and she both are different people than they were 5 years ago/both saved and very devoted to their church community. I am happy to hear it didn't just happen, however, those words do not help her at all right now. I will be meeting her in a hour in 1/2. I already highly recommended a professional marriage councilor and other things that helped me such as the book "forgive for good by dr luskin" as well as Dearpeggy.com Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

If you are wondering how I am doing...... We are in a good place. We are 3.5 years out from our yuck. Recently, I discovered I had not fully healed and need more counciling. I had turned to alcohol for relief from stress of life, kids, etc and while drunk would say things to my husband re the past. My anger I surpressed came out. I am back in counciling. My suggestion, stay away from alcohol, we already have enough going on with our antidepressants and grief....... turn to God and dedicate our lives to a better marriage...... easier said than done, I know......

Best wishes


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." Helen Keller
Joined: Apr 2001
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2334PEM, sorry to hear about your friend. The thing I have noticed about these delayed discoveries is that the BS has not just been subjected to an affair, but to years of lying, so there is much more from which to recover. The crime has been compounded, so to speak. They often feel like they lived a FRAUD for the years they were ignorant.

Outside of that, you know the principles really well and can help her through that. Perhaps Surviving an Affair would be a good start?

And I would also emphasize the absolute importance of no contact with his affair partner.

Glad to hear you are doing better now, PEM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2005
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Joined: Sep 2005
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I agree with Mel. I also sincerely doubt the WH being saved as i believe in my heart he would have been convicted to tell his wife about his infidelity if he were. Just my opinion.


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