So I have been reading the books and the forum for several days. I had been picking and choosing the things that I thought would make in impression on my wife, but not be to harsh.

The whole story is, my wife just returned from Baghdad, and I found out that while she was there she had a 4 month affair with a married man. The man has 2 kids and lives in a different state, but she is continuing the affair over the phone and through email.

When I first found out, I was so upset and so hurt that I kind of gave my wife an untimatium. I demanded that she stop or that she moved out. She decided to move out.

Several days later I found this site, and have relized that, the ultimatium was one of the worst things I could do. She is now out on her own, and I am sure she is continuing the affair, and now I don't know if I can show her that I can meet her needs, as layed out in Plan A.

Making things even harder, I did reveal her affair to her parents, and her friends. She is so angry with me that she is no telling me that she is going away with her parents and that she doesn't want to talk to me for the next week or so.

I am really at a loss. I don't think I have had a chance to show her that I can be a wonderful husband, and I don't think that I can just cut off all ties to her. I still think that she is great, and I love her, I am very affraid that she is gone...

Is there anything I can do, or should I just give her her space and see what happens?

Thanks for all your help and this wonderful resource, I wish I would have found it so that I could have begin planning and following the guidlines before I had pushed her out of the house.

Ryan.

Have you exposed the A to the OMW (other man's wife)?

Don't worry about the anger caused by the exposure. It will eventually pass. At the moment, you should be trying to bring an end to the A with the tools at your disposal, and one of the best tools to do that is exposure to the persons who can directly affect it, e.g. your family, your W's family, the OMW. Also, does your W and the OM work together in any capacity?

I have exposed the affair to her family and friends. I tried to let the other man's wife know, but I am not sure how. They have an unlisted number, I attempted to send a letter, but I am not sure it is to the right address. The other man is an FBI agent so a lot of his personal information is hard to get. I think that the other man lives in NY, while we live in DC. I really don't know a lot about him, since I can't be sure what my wife is telling me is the truth or not. My biggest worry is that if the other man does come here, there is no way that I would ever know.

My wife and I have been pretty friendly since she moved out. We have gone to dinner, and coffee on several occassions, but after I revealled the affair she told me she won't have anything to do with me for the next week (She is going on vacation, with her parents and grandparents)
She also told me that right now, she is comparing me to him, and I am losing, because I keep making her hurt(talking about how I feel, revealing the affair, talking to her family, etc.) She has told me that she feels betrayed. I have expressed that I am only doing this, so that we can work on our relationship, and that we really can't do that with another man in the picture.

I have been very honest with my wife, about why I am doing what I have done, is that a bad idea?

Ryan.

It could have also been intercepted by the OM. Do you have access to the e-mails your W sent to him? Perhaps there's a contact number in there.



I'm sure his office would love to hear about his activities <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Perhaps one of the MB'ers involved in law enforcement might be able to offer some advice in this regard.



She's a WS. Believe little of what she says.



"SHE" feels betrayed???



Good response!



No, it's not a bad idea at all. Note though that you can't *make* your WW come back to you, but you can sure make yourself seem to her like the best partner to be with. Plan A time.

Well I guess I answered some of my own questions tonight.

I will tell you what you don't do. You don't pressure your wife to chose between you and the other man. I put tremendous pressure on her to chose, and at the end she picked him. She told me that she will work on the paperwork when she gets back from her vacation. In this state there is a 6 month wait for a divorce, so it won't be official for a while. If she thinks it is over and is unwilling to give it a try, then I have to imagine that it is truely over. She was a wonderful person and I really will miss her.

Ryan.

Baghdad... Is your WW or OM military?

If so then there have been cases here where betrayed spouses have gone to the chain of command.

I would go to her unit 1ST SGT, Chaplain and Family Services.