Hi All,

One thing I've been thinking about lately is what my WH said to me. He said that the reason that he didn't tell me about his feelings for the OW before the affair started was because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Also, he told me and our therapist it was over in July, but it wasn't. He told me in July that he wanted me to know that he was nuts for having the affair. At our last couples session in August, he said he needed time to sort out his off issues. When asked if he had communicated with OW, he said no. I know he has been with her since (I actually think he started seeing someone else too-but that is a whole different story). I truly believe that he hasn't been honest with me...again, b/c he thinks it would "hurt my feelings". I really believe that he thinks he is sincerely doing me a FAVOR by not telling me the truth--saving me from the truth. I think it goes along with the idea of the affair being addicted and also, the idea that the affair is filling some sort of emptiness within him b/c of his childhood wounds. And he is able recognized how messed up it is that he is doing this TO ME.

Has anyone else had the same situation? What do you all think about this?

See, the problem with telling you the truth is not that your feelings will get hurt, but that you will INTERFERE with his affair. Knowledge is power, after all. This is why alcoholics LIE about their drinking, not because they don't want to "hurt" their spouse, but because they don't want any interference. It just sounds much better to say you lied so you wouldn't "hurt" your spouse.

I'm in the exact same situation as you Beth. I also didn't know the existence of the OW (at least not officially) until the day my WH confessed. After D-day, after he promised that he will cut down on the contacts with her (they work together) until he finished serving his notice, he also lied to me and continued his fetching her to and fro work, buying her lunch and dinner etc. When I found out, he also said that it was a white lie. He didn't want to hurt my feelings and make my health deteoriate (I was having some health issues and acute depression then). Like you, I also think he sincerely believes that he is doing me a favour.

I of course certainly do not think so! How can a marriage (a one that needs recovering even) be built on lies?! I told him that he can chose to lie to me, I cannot stop that. But he will have to bear the consequences of me finding out the lies. He said that this is unfair to him because he did it for my good (??) It is all very frustrating. I am sorry if I cannot offer you any solution because I am also looking for one. But yes, I totally understand how you feel. I hope someone in this forum will have some good advice to give.

On what planet is it in someones "best interest" to cheat on them and lie to them?? That only works on the WayWard Planet of lies, excuses and rationalizations. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Waywards are not very good bullsh*t artists; in fact they are laughable. It is hard to find many ppl that actually fall for this stuff.

You are so right Melody. And JCool, I hope you find some answers with this post as well. I also think that he possibly says these things b/c he wants to continue in his "Fantasy world" rather than reality. Explains why he has completely chosen to drop all responsibility from taking care of our house, etc.

"I didn't think you would find out' Because they are so much smarter than us. Crap, just crap. A woman knows, she just does, maybe not who, but she just DOES know.

Melody--what has been hard is that when he kept insisting it was over after I knew, he would play it up like I was "ridiculous" for questioning him. I was ridiculous for asking about his credit card bills. "of couse!" i would not be trusting of him now! During the month that we were supposedly working on our marriage and it was over with them, he made me feel like I was being ridiculous for questioning him. He felt "horrible" for what he did for me. It is all so
contradictory. He HAS been abducted by aliens from the Wayward Planet!
Who is this man, who used to have such morals?!

Beth

"I didn't want to hurt you." is in the Wayward Spouse's Handbook.

My WH lied to me for 13 years about a ONS, even though I knew for a fact that he cheated.

When I walked out on him and he finally confessed, he used that tired old excuse. My response? "So, you didn't want to hurt me, huh? I guess you also think I wasn't hurt by your calling me effing crazy, ugly names, and accusing ME of being the one who cheated for 13 YEARS? Nope, you were covering your own @$$."

That is what is so hard--not understanding what the heck he is thinking. Really? He's going to call me effing crazy? I feel like I could never do anything like he has done...Making me feel stupid for questioning him. And him feeling bad? I think he does feel bad b/c he sincerely doesn't want to hurt me, but its like, how can he NOT realize his actions woudl hurt me?! I guess it really comes down to the fact that he really DOESN'T CARE if his actions hurt me..that is just an Unfortunate side-effect.

Beth, I did a compilation of evidence. I just flat out told him, " tell me the truth or I am gone forever and I will take with me 28 yrs of marriage and you will be left to explain to our kids what you have done". He spilled his guts. "It was only an EA" Crap, just crap. Don't be afraid of his leaving. Make him afraid that you will leave.
I actually packed my bags and rang up OW on the phone and told her that as soon as I could speak to her H , they could ride off into the sunset, and she daggone freaked out. She didn't want any part of that.....they were just friends.....on and on..call him, and her on it..someone will cave. And ...hello, sunshine, the clandestine crap will rise to the top of the cess pool. And you know what? The stirring of the swamp and cesspool will generally cause a stench to arise.....that they don't want any part of.... mission accomplished.

My WW has told me pretty much the same thing. On D-Day she said she'd been unhappy for so long, had outgrown me and had been planning to leave (and her A had nothing to do with any of it, of course). When I asked her why she had never expressed any to this to me, she said it was because 'it's a crummy thing to say to someone' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I believe the WS who says this does truly have some love left in order to think this. But it's also just an excuse they give to make themselves feel better. Surely it would make anyone feel better about lying if they were doing it to protect someone rather than to deceive someone.

It doesn't help that popular media popularizes this fallacy. Too often I see advice in letter columns where the writer encourages people not to tell BS that they're being cheated on or have been cheated on because the messenger is hurting the BS unnecessarily. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Yea.... most of us have heard that babble and a lot of other nutso stuff. They learn it on that 'mothership' floating around in the crapspace...... it's in the an atsmugsphere which lies between creep and crap stratosphere. There the WS studies from the best of the OPs and WS' to babble with the best.

After you get over the shock of it all, then your mind & heart gets in sync. At that point you can learn to 'reverse babble' which allows the WS to throw back the guilt (aka: crappola babble). This so the BS does not get weighed down with unnecessary guilt and stress.

L.

My FWH told me he never planned on telling me about his affair, that he figured that he did not want to tell me because it would hurt me.

I told him that his dishonesty hurt me, and that his total lack of integrity hurt me.

His affair was third in line behind those two.

He was floored.

I also told him that the very idea that he could even consider carrying on a marriage, for the rest of our lives together, with this type of lie under his belt and NEVER telling me amounted to the most egregious disrespect I could ever imagine.

It has been very difficult to get past that one.

There are still times when we have to go back over it, because I KNOW this man, and this is NOT him. He truly lost himself somehow.

The guilt would have eaten him alive.



I wish I could tell you how to move through it. It takes time, and lots of talking. If you are in Plan B, then you work on yourself, and know that this is about HIM, not you. You did not make this decision - you did not decide to have the affair, to keep it secret, to do what he did. Had you voted, of course you would have voted "no".

Take this time to think about what you need for yourself, to make the changes within yourself to move toward strength and peace. To find those things within yourself that give you energy and happiness. These things don't involve other people - they really don't depend on HIM. They are within you. Focus on finding them inside of your own spirit.

Every day, take the time to sit and return to a still place.

Focus on yourself, your center, your future.

And give yourself some time to grieve. You can do this.

If you want to repair your marriage, you will need your strength to do that - and for now, focus there.

You're in the right place for support!

well said, sb. And this is exactly how I feel about honesty about adultery. If my spouse commits adultery, then I want to be the one who makes the decision about whether or not I stay in the marriage. NO ONE has the right to deprive me of that choice, especially the perpetrator of the crime [the rapist is not qualified to decide whzt is best for the rape victim]

To keep me in a marriage based on a LIE is to treat me like e PET, and is the height of disrespect, arrogance and manipulation. Dr. Harley calls such people DANGEROUS and I agree.