I was going to post in "Just Found out" but after dinner with my WW last night, this seems the best place.

A little history.....
I am a 35yo military officer that has been married for almost 9 years. We have no children. I recently returned from an 8 month deployment to find out that my wife was hnaving an emotional affair with one of my co-workers over email.
I told myself that I can get through the issue, and was rfeferred to this site. I did so much reading and even ordered the book "Surviving the Affair". I am still waiting for it to arrive.
I knew, when I got home, that we would most likely be starting counseling because we have had communication problems in the past and I knew my wife felt that I was "distant". When she brought it up before I left, I felt there was not time to go to counseling since I was leaving in such a short time. I told her everything would be better when I returned.
I am not sure when she gave up. About a week after my return, and a few converstioans about us, she dropped the news that she was in love with my co-worker. I feel betrayed on so many levels. Not only as a best friend, lover and spouse to my wife, but as a friend, co-worker and Officer to him. he came into my office for the entire deployment, looked me in the face and acted like nothing was amiss. It has now been almost a month since my wife admitted to the affair. She still claims it has not gotten physical even though they have kissed twice.
The day I left for deployment was our 8 year anniversary and I found out from his wife that theyh kissed that day for the first time. The second time they kissed, I was on duty and he was spending time with my wife. The military has put a "no contact order" out and I have gotten every indication that they have followed it, but after last night it seems like it does not matter.
There have been a few times over the last few weeks that my wofe has told me she did not think that there was anything for us to work on and that it was too late. I cannot understand how she can give up so easily on our 9 years together. We used to be best friends and she says she still cares about me but in love with him.
Counseling has been a roller coaster but we did go to one session together. After that she said she did not think she needed counseling. She has since agreed that she would go but it has been 2 weeks and she still has not made an appointment. There is always an excuse.
I am at an emotional low and not sure what to do next. In a moment of desperation I even sent her the link to MB, hoping she would read the same things I did and believe that we can work this out. I still love her so much. She is the first person I want to see in the morning and the last I want to see at night. There is so much we have yet to do that we planned. I am scared to continue on since all the plans for the future were OUR plans. I am afraaid that if I follow through then I will have a constant reminder of the hurt and the pain will just be revisited.
We have not filed for Divorce yet but I am expecting to meet with a mediator over the next week or so.
I just wish I could understand why she is so willing to give up on us when she admits that she used to be happy (then she should know I can make her happy again) and she is not taking into account our history. We have never been violent toward each other and onlyn rarely gotten into arguments where we raised our voices.
I do not believe in divorce and feel that if I do this I lose the only piece of me still in tact.
I feel it is way too early to be at this stage.

How can I lift the fog from in front of her eyes so she can see that she can correct the mistakes she has made.

Welcomedhome, I'm sorry you're here and for the emotional rollercoaster your on, it will get worst before it gets better. I understand your grief, I'm a police officer and my ex wife had multiple affairs with co-workers and most looked me in the eye and acted like nothing was going on..

I understand the feeling of being betrayed by my ex-wife and fellow officers, yes it stinks... Read everything on this site, learn everything you can because you about to embark on a journey you'll bever forget...

To get her out of the fog is going to take alot of work and she may never come out of it. I have to tell you that yes its blunt and harsh, you will have to make major changes to get her attention and don't preassure about the EA, act as if everything is fine, you will have to swollow your pride and its going to be the tuffest thing you will ever have to do, especially being in the military. I do suggest you go to General questions II and post there you will get much more support and guidence...you are not alone there are thousands going through this emotional distress.

I lost my wife we are divorced and yes I still have a hard time with it, but as time goes on it does get better because time heals all wounds...I have hope for you because no one has filed for the big D...Hang in there and I will check on you later to see how things are going. I know I didnt give you much hope but remember this we can not change anyone only they can do that.


Good luck

Thank you. I am not sure if it makes me feel any better that I am not alone. I just posted in the General Questions II. Thank you for the recommendation.

I feel I was ambushed when mhy WW asked me to come to the city for dinner so we could talk (it is about an hour commute for me). I was not sure what we were going to talk about. I knew we needed to discuss money (she has been handling the finances for over 4 years and feels guilty about paying bills out of my money). She has not worked for about that time also.

I have not left my room since I got back Friday night. Don't want to talk to anyone. Even found myself in a hospital parking lot on my way to the barracks and not sure how I got there.

I am still hoping she will call so we can talk more. This is the 2nd time since I found out that she has brought up D. I wonder if it is like last time and I will regain some hope over the next few days. I know saying it and doing it are 2 different things.

Not sure what to do. I would still welcome her back with open arms if she only said the word.

WS is determined that D is the only option. She says she is going to go live with the guy she had the EA with after she graduates in Nov. I keep telling her that, if she only gave me a chance to fulfill the ENs that he was fulfilling then I could get her to see our marriage wouold be stronger than ever. She does not want to be married to me anymore, no matter what I say/do. I still cannot give up but the more I hold on the farther I fall. It tears me up to feel she will be in the arms of another man in a few months and I will be alone. It seems like every time I try and talk to her it pushes her further away.

I am scared. Scared of having to figure out who I am and scared of what is to come.

I don't know what to do next. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. MB is my only comfort.

I am in your same situation, but I have done things that I really wish I didn't do.

I have read everyones ideas here and even read 2 books from Dr. Harley. The biggest problem for me was letting my emotions take over. I know that I am not supposed to push, but both times, when I needed to calm down and relax, I couldn't. I pushed my wife to make a decision, to chose between him or moving out, she moved out. Then I pushed her again to chose between him and me and she chose him. In my situations, if I would have just relaxed, and meet her needs, and not done any love busters I would of had a much better chance to show her that I am a good guy. It is going to be the hardest thing in the world to do... being nice when you know that she is cheating on you, but if you really want to be able to work on things, don't push.

Ryan.

Nothing I can say or try to do makes a difference. She resists all my attempts to do the things I failed to do before. She has chosen him without me even having a chance to fight.

WelcomedHome, you have no idea how much this statement rings true with me. My STBX is an officer in the Navy Reserve and was deployed last year. While in Iraq, he began an emotional affair with a Chief he worked closely with. It became physical when they got back to the States and had their leave together.

I didn't find out the truth until he had been home for 3 months. I chalked up our difficulties to normal reintegration behavior. We had been given seminars on things like Combat Stress, and he fit the description to a T.

I really really encourage you to do some individual counseling right now. The feeling of "I didn't even get a chance to try" will be crushing--you will have so much regret it will eat at you. You need to talk about it with somebody.

Right now it will be useless to try to educate her or show her the errors of her ways.

Rely upon the military to keep them apart. If normal command channels aren't helping out, elevate it to the Inspector General.

The Military Protection Order expires on OCT 10. He has since transferred and will not report to his permanent command until Dec. My wife will graduate in Nov and still plans on moving to where he is. I feel once she files for D then the military will have no way to keep them apart and my command has been extremely supportive with what has been done so far. I know his career is done, but it is little consolation.
She ended up calling the command last night to get the duty chaplain to come see me. Unfortunately it was the other guy's former roommate. Talk about salt on the wound.
Talking to people just brings out the pain. I have tried......friends, family and even the command psychologist. My heart just won't follow what my brain tells me what must be done.

Found out tonight that my WS has an appointmennt with a lawyer next monday. The only thing I can think to do is Mediation to reduce the costs and then use the base legal office to review paperwork. I do not want this, but refusing to sign will not have any affect on the proceedings..... just delay the inevitable.

My emotional rollar-coaster is out of control. One minute I am making plans how to legally proceed, the next I am shaking uncontrolably and cannot talk without breaking down in tears.

I know my health should be in the front of my mind, but I cannot help feeling like I should give up and give her everything - whether she wants it or not.