previously titled: "Was great guy, want to be again, She lost faith, where to go from here?"

I am the Husband that did not want to ever be like my father. I seemed like the ONE during courtship, and thought that I was the ONE. 6 years of disrespect through neglect and now Wife is done. She sees that I was never going to stop looking at porn behind her back, and I could never own up to why. She sees that I am sexist and degrading from the beginning of marriage, which she was pregnant.

Seems like I loved her, up until I got her to put on ring, then I saw her as a "mommy", and then all the stereotypes that I denied ever believing, I started to play out. Did not understand self, and disrespected wife, many lies. Otherwise, show lots of Love.

Now she is done, sees nothing in me to believe in. She is at the point where she does not care if I work out my head, she does not want to fix this, because I was not the ONE that she thought I was...

I am only owning up, and trying to change now that I do not have the "upper hand" that I thought I had. Please, is there enough reason for her to want me to stay?

She sees that I am a great father, and I have shown her compassion, but not in the sexual department or honesty. I have had no sexual relationship, in her eyes, if I was lying and looking at porn behind back. Now I realize that I have been acting out sexist views that I never wanted to be. I have been more like my Father then I ever realized! Man, I am changing, but she sees nothing to look back on in the marriage, and courtship was too long ago. Where to start regaining trust? Trying so much, and seeing counselor. This site helps, but she has lost faith in MAN-kind! I was just another wolf in Sheep's clothing, but I didn't seem to know what I was... I didn't know I was capable of this!!!! I want to not be that wolf, but I have been.?????????????????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> [color:"blue"] [/color]

What has happened? What exactly did you do to lose her trust and her respect?

look at porn behind her back and totally lie about it. Never make changes on my own....

RLD1,

Orchid: Ok, this is what you also wrote on your other thread.....
Now you said you have 'read all the info and make great advancements'..... if that is true, you would know what to do. Maybe you need to read them again and this time do some phone counseling with Steve H @ MB. Why? Because you may not have read it all or read with the correct understanding.

An Xws realizes they have no power over the BS and family and tha most of the changes come from within and works hard to rebuld the trust.

You have not shown any of that.... so why should she want you back? I am not saying you shouldn't go back..... I am saying you should be able to give good reasons why you deserve to be let back into the family.


L.

Do you want to elaborate? I am not getting the full picture here. How often, how long as this been going on, how long has she been asking you to stop, how has this effected your sex life? Its almost impossible to help you if we don't understand the situation. So please color in the picture here.

just the facts, man...

Okay, I will start by saying that I am understanding more, everyday...

I was looking at other girls right after marriage. Then W had first child and went to work, and I stayed home to take care. I just got first computer-in 2002, and found porn. Through my emotional distance that I was creating, I looked. At make no mistake- I LOOKED A LOT! I spent hours on there, even the first day. I made a fantasy of escaping my problems that I was too ashamed to deal with. I looked at ALL kinds of stuff. Then did it the next day, and so on. It was obvious when I stopped having sex with W. Then she got curious and found the history on the computer. Oh, man! I did not want to own up to that! I was in extreme denial and guilt.

Then I gave her reasons to believe it would never happen again. It did almost immediately! Then I got caught. lied. Cycle repeated for 6 years. The only reason I have stopped is because she told me it was over. Hence me saying- loss of "power" I thought I had.

I was being sexist, degrading, and emotionally unavailable. I am getting over all that and realizing the pain I created. Now I am in a place of understanding, healing, and making real decisions on who I am, and what is unacceptable.

I have much more to say. But I am multitasking...

sites I am looking at:

http://www.joy2meu.com/index.html

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/15682509...%3D#reader-link

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&s...amp;btnG=Search

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

http://www.rbc.org/uploadedFiles/Bible_S...Pornography.pdf

http://www.suite101.com/reference/emotional_healing

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/07434560...%3D#reader-link





AND MUCH MORE! I looked at the infidelity part of Q&A on here, and one of the things I realize is that I need to give time and possible space for her feelings of resentment to be replaced with positives that I am showing!

http://www.joy2meu.com/innerboundaries.htm

This is what I am currently reading. As hard as it may be to be open enough to read these types of advice and not be judgmental, I am finding it to be very true-to-myself and wanting to be open enough to admit that I have let myself step out of bounds. But that does not mean that I cannot control it. I admit that I have been all those things I never wanted to be, but I am better than that, and I AM going to make the right choices from now on. I am not changing, but realizing. I was not any more of a BAD person, but I did let bad emotions TAKE OVER. I am taking control now!

http://www.joy2meu.com/innerboundaries.htm

How do i go about that? That is why on got on the weekend chat?!

Can anyone relate to my wife, with knowing for so many years, and not making the decision to leave? She was hoping that it wasn't really like this, and we even had another child...

She feels that she made a mistake, and she had known that this would have gone on so long, that she would have turned tail along time ago.

She did make a mistake and so did you. Now you both need to own up to your individual mistakes, fix them together and move forward as a couple. If not as a couple, then fix them separately and do it b4 the D.

I am not sure why u 2 got married in the 1st place but now with history and children, it makes it a bit more complicated. U both are in an M and a R.

Go read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. You have allowed yourself at the very least to have an EA with a bunch of strange and degrading women. They are sick and you are also a sicko for participating in such degrading behavior. Don't minimize it. She doesn't want you to say it will all get better, you have to show her it will get better.

If u 2 can read the books and the concept section above together it will help.

As for reading multiple sites.....that is not as constructive as finding the one that is best and utilizing it properly.

Steve H is the son of Dr W. Harley and a counselor here @ MB. On this discussion board we are merely chatting about our POVs and experiences. The discussion board are not professionals.

I recommend you call Steve's office and arrange for some phone counseling or find an MC in your area familiar with MB concepts. Steve is very good with help both WS' and BS'.

Get started.

L.

Thanks you! I am not trying to just minimize my actions, but understand what they stemmed from. I am focusing on THIS site and the
http://www.joy2meu.com/
site. I am working through my issues and hopefully can show her. I have not looked at porn in over 2 months, and it is not bothering me! I am trying to stay positive so that I don't recess into the Withdrawal stage. i know that I need to re-read some things on here, but I am trying to absorb all the realities and not get sidetracked with my opinions so much, but the facts.

I will see if I can do something by calling, but I am trying to see how today works out. I am seeing a counselor, but I am not sure that he is aware of this program. Thanks! Any other info is greatly appreciated!

Read the books, concepts and take the Emotional Needs questionnaire before you call.

RspctLostAtDay1,

Yes, I can relate to your wife.

On one hand, she was sincere when she made her marriage vows.

On the other hand, she is repulsed at the adulterous behavior in your marriage.

Give her a true husband and she is likely to let you back into her heart.

thank you everyone! I am making strides towards the right me that I am inside. I have been in denial so long, and now am being honest and open. 6 years was a long time to be unfaithful, but I have a lifetime to be more. We are communicating, and that is the start. Any more info or opinions is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

You should attend Every Man's Battle from New Life Live..

they are huge supporters of Dr. Harley and recomend his book surviving an affair alll the time...

you should go on this weekend as a sign of action to your wife about your changes...

you can change
you MUST change

what you can not do is force her to accept or like your changes...

in fact your changes will make her mad at first...

you are changing the known you to someone she doesnt' know...

we are often most comfortable with who and what we know even when who and what we know makes us "unhappy"

she will accuse you for changing only out of fear of losing her
she will question ..why now...why change now why not before...

she will accuse you of believing that if you change..then magically you will believe she just has to be happy and accept your new changes...though for years you knew what she wanted...

you change anyways and inspite of this and her reactions


and you tell her softly and lovingly that you are changing because to be good and true MAN you must change...

you needs mens group of accountability...where you learn how to truly treat a woman...and be a real man at the same time....especially if all you know is your fathers way...

ARK

Please visit recoverynation.com ASAP.

You will find an intelligent caring community on the right track to healing.



Read read read everything there. There are lessons, workshops and community support forums Also an entire area which is very helpful just for your wife to on the partner's side. No bashing - just support.

Truly, best of luck to you.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/15682509...%3D#reader-link

This book is helping me understand why I have been an emotionally unavailable man. I have come to a lot of these conclusions on my own in the past couple weeks, but it helps spell it out. The book His Needs/Her Needs might be my next read. And I will have to read more of the Book suggested above: Every Man's Battle to make sure that I have control over my urges that I have made habit out of responding to.

The fact is, I am not a victim, and I have the ability to Respond to my surroundings VS. Reacting to them. I can make conscious efforts and not just react to them out of habits and "programming" from my childhood. I am in Control now, and I AM AWAKE! I will not be a leaf in the wind anymore, and I will own my emotions and be responsible for my actions! Thanks!!!

I have been trying to see if things got better, but there are no breakthroughs. I was told about all of the things that are undesirable last night, and I have lost most hope. I don't know that I have anything left to show as good faith.

I dated a girl for 3 years in school, then nasty break-up. Dated other girls, and thought I loved them all. Met my wife when I was still in desperation to find someone to love me back. I liked her a lot, and she liked me. I believed my wife was way above my standards, and yet I turned out this awful relationship. My wife said that either my love was so shallow, that it just faded after marriage, or it was not a real love. She says in comparison, my high school sweetheart got more respect and True Love out of me than W has ever gotten.

I got with girls of lower caliber status (social and physical) and my wife is a gorgeous, smart, VERY popular woman. How could I make these vows and then disregard them so easily over porn and strangers? How could I have been so faithful to the girl from high school, and not to my W?!

My break up in HS was after a 3 yr R and she started cheating on me. Then it took 6 mon. to separate completely. I was more than just a faithful boyfriend. We never had intercourse, we wrote 100s of letters, and I NEVER had a wandering eye, or dare cheat.

My wife on the other hand, has had no such fortune with me. My selection, courting, dating, and proposal all look shallow in retrospect. And the marriage has been a sad example of my "undying love" for a woman. When it seemed so effortless with many other girls.

Now that we are suppose to be working things out, my W has that and the porn, and the simple fact that the only reason that I am even here trying is because she pulled the rug out from under me. I did not come to this place of reasoning on my own accord. That is a big sign that I hadn't a deep enough love to come out of my shell and take charge of my marriage. My W says that REAL True Love would have shone itself through the trouble. That if I was in True Love, that the 20+ times she has given me to FIX THIS, that I never did, until now- when she is one foot out the door-6 yrs later.


Entire marriage has been disappointing, and I do not feel in a place of worth to even try much beyond these realizations.

Please respond with your opinions!

Just disappointing in the fact of my infidelity and lying, and the fact that I never changed this on my own.