Marriage Builders®
previously titled: "Was great guy, want to be again, She lost faith, where to go from here?"

I am the Husband that did not want to ever be like my father. I seemed like the ONE during courtship, and thought that I was the ONE. 6 years of disrespect through neglect and now Wife is done. She sees that I was never going to stop looking at porn behind her back, and I could never own up to why. She sees that I am sexist and degrading from the beginning of marriage, which she was pregnant.

Seems like I loved her, up until I got her to put on ring, then I saw her as a "mommy", and then all the stereotypes that I denied ever believing, I started to play out. Did not understand self, and disrespected wife, many lies. Otherwise, show lots of Love.

Now she is done, sees nothing in me to believe in. She is at the point where she does not care if I work out my head, she does not want to fix this, because I was not the ONE that she thought I was...

I am only owning up, and trying to change now that I do not have the "upper hand" that I thought I had. Please, is there enough reason for her to want me to stay?

She sees that I am a great father, and I have shown her compassion, but not in the sexual department or honesty. I have had no sexual relationship, in her eyes, if I was lying and looking at porn behind back. Now I realize that I have been acting out sexist views that I never wanted to be. I have been more like my Father then I ever realized! Man, I am changing, but she sees nothing to look back on in the marriage, and courtship was too long ago. Where to start regaining trust? Trying so much, and seeing counselor. This site helps, but she has lost faith in MAN-kind! I was just another wolf in Sheep's clothing, but I didn't seem to know what I was... I didn't know I was capable of this!!!! I want to not be that wolf, but I have been.?????????????????

What has happened? What exactly did you do to lose her trust and her respect?
look at porn behind her back and totally lie about it. Never make changes on my own....
RLD1,
Quote:

look at porn behind her back and totally lie about it. Never make changes on my own....




Orchid: Ok, this is what you also wrote on your other thread.....
Quote:

RLD1: I've read all the info and make great advancements, but my question is should she look forward to, and how does she stop feeling like I am just one of the many men that don't respect women, and she doesn't just want me to change my opinions because I am at the point of losing my "power" over her. She has read all of the info, also, and wanted what she saw me for when we got married. I was not that. "wolf in sheep's clothing.




Now you said you have 'read all the info and make great advancements'..... if that is true, you would know what to do. Maybe you need to read them again and this time do some phone counseling with Steve H @ MB. Why? Because you may not have read it all or read with the correct understanding.

An Xws realizes they have no power over the BS and family and tha most of the changes come from within and works hard to rebuld the trust.

You have not shown any of that.... so why should she want you back? I am not saying you shouldn't go back..... I am saying you should be able to give good reasons why you deserve to be let back into the family.


L.
Quote:

look at porn behind her back and totally lie about it. Never make changes on my own....




Do you want to elaborate? I am not getting the full picture here. How often, how long as this been going on, how long has she been asking you to stop, how has this effected your sex life? Its almost impossible to help you if we don't understand the situation. So please color in the picture here.

just the facts, man...
Okay, I will start by saying that I am understanding more, everyday...

I was looking at other girls right after marriage. Then W had first child and went to work, and I stayed home to take care. I just got first computer-in 2002, and found porn. Through my emotional distance that I was creating, I looked. At make no mistake- I LOOKED A LOT! I spent hours on there, even the first day. I made a fantasy of escaping my problems that I was too ashamed to deal with. I looked at ALL kinds of stuff. Then did it the next day, and so on. It was obvious when I stopped having sex with W. Then she got curious and found the history on the computer. Oh, man! I did not want to own up to that! I was in extreme denial and guilt.

Then I gave her reasons to believe it would never happen again. It did almost immediately! Then I got caught. lied. Cycle repeated for 6 years. The only reason I have stopped is because she told me it was over. Hence me saying- loss of "power" I thought I had.

I was being sexist, degrading, and emotionally unavailable. I am getting over all that and realizing the pain I created. Now I am in a place of understanding, healing, and making real decisions on who I am, and what is unacceptable.

I have much more to say. But I am multitasking...

sites I am looking at:

http://www.joy2meu.com/index.html

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/15682509...%3D#reader-link

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&s...amp;btnG=Search

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

http://www.rbc.org/uploadedFiles/Bible_S...Pornography.pdf

http://www.suite101.com/reference/emotional_healing

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/07434560...%3D#reader-link





AND MUCH MORE! I looked at the infidelity part of Q&A on here, and one of the things I realize is that I need to give time and possible space for her feelings of resentment to be replaced with positives that I am showing!
http://www.joy2meu.com/innerboundaries.htm

This is what I am currently reading. As hard as it may be to be open enough to read these types of advice and not be judgmental, I am finding it to be very true-to-myself and wanting to be open enough to admit that I have let myself step out of bounds. But that does not mean that I cannot control it. I admit that I have been all those things I never wanted to be, but I am better than that, and I AM going to make the right choices from now on. I am not changing, but realizing. I was not any more of a BAD person, but I did let bad emotions TAKE OVER. I am taking control now!

http://www.joy2meu.com/innerboundaries.htm
Quote:

this time do some phone counseling with Steve H @ MB.


L.




How do i go about that? That is why on got on the weekend chat?!
Can anyone relate to my wife, with knowing for so many years, and not making the decision to leave? She was hoping that it wasn't really like this, and we even had another child...

She feels that she made a mistake, and she had known that this would have gone on so long, that she would have turned tail along time ago.
Quote:

Can anyone relate to my wife, with knowing for so many years, and not making the decision to leave? She was hoping that it wasn't really like this, and we even had another child...

She feels that she made a mistake, and she had known that this would have gone on so long, that she would have turned tail along time ago.




She did make a mistake and so did you. Now you both need to own up to your individual mistakes, fix them together and move forward as a couple. If not as a couple, then fix them separately and do it b4 the D.

I am not sure why u 2 got married in the 1st place but now with history and children, it makes it a bit more complicated. U both are in an M and a R.

Go read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. You have allowed yourself at the very least to have an EA with a bunch of strange and degrading women. They are sick and you are also a sicko for participating in such degrading behavior. Don't minimize it. She doesn't want you to say it will all get better, you have to show her it will get better.

If u 2 can read the books and the concept section above together it will help.

As for reading multiple sites.....that is not as constructive as finding the one that is best and utilizing it properly.

Steve H is the son of Dr W. Harley and a counselor here @ MB. On this discussion board we are merely chatting about our POVs and experiences. The discussion board are not professionals.

I recommend you call Steve's office and arrange for some phone counseling or find an MC in your area familiar with MB concepts. Steve is very good with help both WS' and BS'.

Get started.

L.
Thanks you! I am not trying to just minimize my actions, but understand what they stemmed from. I am focusing on THIS site and the
http://www.joy2meu.com/
site. I am working through my issues and hopefully can show her. I have not looked at porn in over 2 months, and it is not bothering me! I am trying to stay positive so that I don't recess into the Withdrawal stage. i know that I need to re-read some things on here, but I am trying to absorb all the realities and not get sidetracked with my opinions so much, but the facts.

I will see if I can do something by calling, but I am trying to see how today works out. I am seeing a counselor, but I am not sure that he is aware of this program. Thanks! Any other info is greatly appreciated!
Read the books, concepts and take the Emotional Needs questionnaire before you call.
RspctLostAtDay1,

Yes, I can relate to your wife.

On one hand, she was sincere when she made her marriage vows.

On the other hand, she is repulsed at the adulterous behavior in your marriage.

Give her a true husband and she is likely to let you back into her heart.
thank you everyone! I am making strides towards the right me that I am inside. I have been in denial so long, and now am being honest and open. 6 years was a long time to be unfaithful, but I have a lifetime to be more. We are communicating, and that is the start. Any more info or opinions is greatly appreciated! Thanks!
You should attend Every Man's Battle from New Life Live..

they are huge supporters of Dr. Harley and recomend his book surviving an affair alll the time...

you should go on this weekend as a sign of action to your wife about your changes...

you can change
you MUST change

what you can not do is force her to accept or like your changes...

in fact your changes will make her mad at first...

you are changing the known you to someone she doesnt' know...

we are often most comfortable with who and what we know even when who and what we know makes us "unhappy"

she will accuse you for changing only out of fear of losing her
she will question ..why now...why change now why not before...

she will accuse you of believing that if you change..then magically you will believe she just has to be happy and accept your new changes...though for years you knew what she wanted...

you change anyways and inspite of this and her reactions


and you tell her softly and lovingly that you are changing because to be good and true MAN you must change...

you needs mens group of accountability...where you learn how to truly treat a woman...and be a real man at the same time....especially if all you know is your fathers way...

ARK
Please visit recoverynation.com ASAP.

You will find an intelligent caring community on the right track to healing.
Quote:

Within this site exists self-help resources that cannot be found anywhere else. Each resource was built to assist you in understanding the sex, love and porn addictions in such a way as to facilitate a permanent recovery and/or healing process.



Few issues in our society are as misunderstood, mismanaged and mistreated as is the current approach to the sex, love and/or porn addictions. Much too often, the shock, fear, confusion, disgust and ignorance that drives the perceptions of these behaviors takes the primary role in guiding the recovery response as well. This applies to those engaging in compulsive sexual behavior as well as their partners. And even many who treat them. This community exists to help you help yourself. It offers a comprehensive foundation of health-based education; a sincere community to provide objectivity and support






Read read read everything there. There are lessons, workshops and community support forums Also an entire area which is very helpful just for your wife to on the partner's side. No bashing - just support.

Truly, best of luck to you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/15682509...%3D#reader-link

This book is helping me understand why I have been an emotionally unavailable man. I have come to a lot of these conclusions on my own in the past couple weeks, but it helps spell it out. The book His Needs/Her Needs might be my next read. And I will have to read more of the Book suggested above: Every Man's Battle to make sure that I have control over my urges that I have made habit out of responding to.

The fact is, I am not a victim, and I have the ability to Respond to my surroundings VS. Reacting to them. I can make conscious efforts and not just react to them out of habits and "programming" from my childhood. I am in Control now, and I AM AWAKE! I will not be a leaf in the wind anymore, and I will own my emotions and be responsible for my actions! Thanks!!!
I have been trying to see if things got better, but there are no breakthroughs. I was told about all of the things that are undesirable last night, and I have lost most hope. I don't know that I have anything left to show as good faith.

I dated a girl for 3 years in school, then nasty break-up. Dated other girls, and thought I loved them all. Met my wife when I was still in desperation to find someone to love me back. I liked her a lot, and she liked me. I believed my wife was way above my standards, and yet I turned out this awful relationship. My wife said that either my love was so shallow, that it just faded after marriage, or it was not a real love. She says in comparison, my high school sweetheart got more respect and True Love out of me than W has ever gotten.

I got with girls of lower caliber status (social and physical) and my wife is a gorgeous, smart, VERY popular woman. How could I make these vows and then disregard them so easily over porn and strangers? How could I have been so faithful to the girl from high school, and not to my W?!

My break up in HS was after a 3 yr R and she started cheating on me. Then it took 6 mon. to separate completely. I was more than just a faithful boyfriend. We never had intercourse, we wrote 100s of letters, and I NEVER had a wandering eye, or dare cheat.

My wife on the other hand, has had no such fortune with me. My selection, courting, dating, and proposal all look shallow in retrospect. And the marriage has been a sad example of my "undying love" for a woman. When it seemed so effortless with many other girls.
Now that we are suppose to be working things out, my W has that and the porn, and the simple fact that the only reason that I am even here trying is because she pulled the rug out from under me. I did not come to this place of reasoning on my own accord. That is a big sign that I hadn't a deep enough love to come out of my shell and take charge of my marriage. My W says that REAL True Love would have shone itself through the trouble. That if I was in True Love, that the 20+ times she has given me to FIX THIS, that I never did, until now- when she is one foot out the door-6 yrs later.


Entire marriage has been disappointing, and I do not feel in a place of worth to even try much beyond these realizations.

Please respond with your opinions!
Just disappointing in the fact of my infidelity and lying, and the fact that I never changed this on my own.
RLaD1,

Quote:


I do not feel in a place of worth to even try





This is the attitude that you need to change.

-LE
I have to ask you... Do you still want to be married to her? Are you only working on this because you're in "crisis" mode?

As someone who's been in your wife's shoes, I can tell you that although your attempts at improvement are noble she may not be ready to see or accept them yet.

The best thing you can do, is to keep making improvements and showing her you're willing to change. I'd advise volunteering to get individual counseling to find out why you would do something like this to her. That would have gone a long way with me in regards to my husband.

Beyond that, the ball is really in her court at this point. She's broken and sometimes it IS too late for "i'm sorry, i've changed". That's really up to her and you're not in control of that.

I hope that she is able to see your efforts as sincere (as I hope they are) and that she is willing to give you another chance.

If she does, you better cherish it with everything you have! Not many people are given as many chances as you have been!!!!

Good luck!!
I am still trying. i just get bogged down when she explains how bad I have been.
Are you willing to make ALL the needed changes, permanently, even if your betrayed wife (BW) never gives you another chance?

Are you willing to get totally clean from your porn addiction? Are you willing to stay in individual counseling (IC) until you know for sure why you were the way you were and specifically how to never become that way again? Are you willing to confess to your wife everything, and apologize to her for everything, even if by doing so she will act more angry and hurt, and may reject your apology? Are you willing to clearly demonstrate with actions that your wife means much more to you than the girlfriend from high school? Are you willing to take the lead in recovery and take responsibility for repairing?
ONLY if you answered yes to all the above do you have and deserve a chance at keeping your wife.

What is it that you want, need, maybe even expect, from your wife in order to feel good about yourself again? How soon do you expect her to respond to you in that way? What will you do if she doesn't respond in a positive way to your efforts for several days? Weeks? Months? Years?
Yes, I have decided that I will make all these changes. It does get hard some days. I am trying to STAY positive. I have not gone to any porn or other in months now. Best EVER, but not really something to brag, just self rewarding to be clean in the head.

I saw a counselor, but not a true Dr. and I don't know who to go see, and how to even decide to go. Busy life, and my wife is not fond of getting outside help (i.e. as proof).

I need her to keep trying, which she is. I expect her to hurt, but let it go with time. I know it will take months to get real response, real improvement in the relationship as a whole. I am trying to keep at it, not let it go without being dealt with after a few days. I try to give time between big discussions, and not to stop them without some sort of resolution or Understanding.

Time is hard to take as it is slow when there is problems. We are trying still...

Thanks for the advice and reassurance. I know she has her good days and bad days with dealing with me, but all in all it is not bad as it was in retrospect.
You need to man up to her emotions right now, she is hurt. You have had time to process what you have done to her, she is just learning. DO NOT TELL HER TO LET HER HURT GO OR GET OVER IT. It is a lot to deal with all at once, she will operate on her time frame- not yours.

I am almost at one year- and I am still on an emotional roller coaster. Give her time- and be there for her.

Until you are able to understand the pain you have caused her - not just tears- it will be difficult for her to recover. She needs to know that you get it.

I challenge you to look at yourself and figure out what allowed you to cross the line, what you propose to do in the future, what is it that you liked about yourself in the other relationships etc you really need to figure yourself out. Good luck
AM
Quote:



I need her to keep trying, which she is. I expect her to hurt, but let it go with time. I know it will take months to get real response, real improvement in the relationship as a whole




See, that's where my husband went wrong with me. He expected me to get over it in HIS time frame. All that did was make it take longer. It's been over four years now and I only recently forgave him for what he did. I still have issues trusting him and i'm working on that though.

I have my good days and bad days too.

IMO the very best thing you can do, is talk to a IC and figure out why you did this. Once you do that, communicate it to your wife if she wants to know. That's what finally brought closure for me anyway. For 4 years he just "didn't want to talk about it" so for 4 years, I couldn't let it go. Once he REALLY talked to me about why he did it, what he was thinking/doing I was able to let it go. Forgiveness was almost instant. My trust issues with him have more to do with lies that occured beyond the porn/internet profile stuff. That i'm still working on.

You need to A. Work with a IC on yourself, regardless of whether your wife stays with you or not. Do it for YOU!!! You don't ever want to do this to your wife (or anyone else) ever again, right?

B. Be an open book to your wife. Let her know that you're doing everything you can to fix this on your end.... And then realize that beyond that how she handles this is up to her.

Continue to stay positive!!!
Any bode else that can relate, or add to the topic. Please try to read the whole discussion.Everything is helpful for me and anyone reading this post. Thanks.
After all was said about my ex from 8 yrs ago, and the total realization of all the troubles, W has said she is done with this. I am numb and I do not know what to even feel. I know I have tried, but it was 6 yrs too late. She does not see anything from our past to reconnect with...

I don't know how to even accept this....
Please help me know what is an appropriate action!
I know there is someone that can tell me some advice?...

I know I did wrong, but what should I do?

Am I suppose to lie down, or am I suppose to fight?!!!!!

I want it to work, but I still have things to work on. I have been the offender. I want it to be better. Am I disillusioned to reality?
?
Men primarily absorb through their "eye gate". In other words, they are more visual and what they "see" goes straight to their heart. There is no way you can be a loving husband to your wife the way God meant you to be when you're filling your heart with darkness of porn. It is disrespectful to your wife and I imagine you have done a lot of damage.

Women primarily absorb through their "ear gate". What they "hear" goes straight to their heart. I imagine you weren't saying very loving things while you were trapped in your porn.

I agree with the others here. There is no magic pill to make your wife's heart turn. Just doing the program and saying, "Look at me, look how good I'm doing, doesn't that mean anything?" doesn't compute with her right now. Why? Because she busted you and thinks you're doing this turnaround because you WERE busted. Not because you wanted to.

She needs to heal from all the damage you've caused. I say focus on getting to the bottom of your own issues so that you can come clean with your wife from an honest and repentant heart. So that you can make her feel safe enough to trust you again. It may take a while or it may be too late.

If I were you, I'd get down on my knees and ask God for forgiveness first and to help mend your marriage and make it one where you guys are seeking after Him first and loving each other the way you're supposed to.
Quote:

I know there is someone that can tell me some advice?...

I know I did wrong, but what should I do?

Am I suppose to lie down, or am I suppose to fight?!!!!!

I want it to work, but I still have things to work on. I have been the offender. I want it to be better. Am I disillusioned to reality?




The best thing you can do now, is do exactly what I've told you to do twice! Go find an individual counselor. Not tomorrow, not next week.... NOW!!!

Let your wife know, that you still love her very much and that you're trying to get yourself the help you need. Don't beg her to stay. She'll only see that as you doing all of this out of desperation. Tell her very calmly that you don't want a divorce and realize you need to talk to someone about all of this.

But if she chooses to leave, that's up to her. You can't MAKE her stay. She'll have to decide if she can live with that decision for the rest of her life, or not. But either way, you need to work on YOU!!!!

Just like she couldn't control you looking at porn and everything else you did, you can't control whether or not she stays married to you.

Maybe a trial separation wouldn't be such a bad idea. It would give her the space she may need to think things through and it would give you time to get into counseling and show her (and mainly yourself!!!) that you're improving.

The one thing you have to remember, is that you can't unring a bell. You did what you did. You can't change the past, only the future. And sometimes, the things we do can't be "fixed". This may very well have been the straw that broke the camel's back for her. That's the risk you took when you did what you did!!! I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, please don't take it that way.
Quote:



The best thing you can do now, is do exactly what I've told you to do twice! Go find an individual counselor. Not tomorrow, not next week.... NOW!!!




It is hard to go there as I know a couple of schooled psycs. I do not believe in them as much as I believe in God having things laid out the way they are going to work. I guess I feel that there are the reasons that I am not still in counseling for a reason. I am praying, and doing inner healing.

This is a kind of therapy for me, and the counselor that I saw was Blown Away with how far I was on my own. He didn't have advice, just to talk about the things I had gone over already with my self. They are in my journal, and I go over them.


Quote:

The one thing you have to remember, is that you can't unring a bell. You did what you did. You can't change the past, only the future. And sometimes, the things we do can't be "fixed". This may very well have been the straw that broke the camel's back for her. That's the risk you took when you did what you did!!! I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, please don't take it that way.




I know this, but it is the hard one to swallow. I do not really know if I even truly have the right to even be trying, but I do feel that God has his hand in this, and I am trying because it is the only way I am going to grow. If she likes the growth, then it was right, if not- then is was her proof that I wasn't for her anymore.
Nothing has really gotten better in the past 4 months, except the honesty and clarity. I don't really know if we are truly compatible, but neither of us want a divorce?!?!!!!

What is the next step? We try all sorts of things, and we are open, but the facts are still the same, and I cannot un-ring that bell.

Any one have anything to add?
I can see how looking at porn behind your wife's back would upset her.

Opinions vary, but if looking at porn is infidelity at all, it's got to be considered the least of all infidelity-related offenses.

Direct her here, and let her read some of the horror stories. I'll tell her my story, for that matter.

After that, she just might have a different outlook on your porn viewing. She might even consider herself lucky.
Hello, this is me, the wife..the hurricane, if you will. I just read some of the replies to my husbands postings on here.
May I just call out the obvious here by saying that this crap totally sucks!! It sucks that relationships don't work out, it sucks that people become betrayed. People get themselves into marriages where one is just and honest and obviously thought the same of the other. It's not like I think my husband is such a horrible and terrible man. it just breaks my heart and scares me that I had lived out this love that wasn't really there. How do I know?? Well, were on this site aren't we??

Basically, I wanted to find some hope in this marriage like a little piece left of the old love like the one that somehow convinced me to want and feel safe to become committed and strap myself down to TONS of responsibility. Funny, how it isn't so bad when you're in love and it all makes sense??? I am too far along to be able to trick myself in believing in this because believe me I have torn myself apart in order to give more chances. Yes, I am totally afraid of being single with two children. Neither one of us are good at being independent. He is trying to get through college, and we are poor and I am still stuck at home with a three year old and a five year old.I have no education or any money AND I am not eligible for daycare assistance or welfare because of his school,blah blah blah
I am being a child, i am being childish!! I am heartbroken and I didn't want to let go of my fairytale. I have cared for the children and love them but I need a break. I feel like I need someone to care for me now. I am hurt and depressed and tired and life doesn't stop for this sort of thing.

It isn't just pornography that messed us up so bad.. It was the obsession he had about it. He was crushing on young girls at school, he was totally neglecting me, lying, and breaking promises. He was acting out in other perverted ways that had great emotional AND financial cost to the family. I was totally in love with him, I didn't realize what his behavior meant as much as how it hurt me. He is a good person. He had chosen me, I wasn't expecting him to treat me like a princess, I just needed to be his #1 girl in order to cope with the usual life hardships we sometimes face, especially young families.
I am an attractive girl. I am so very extremely loyal. I honestly never lusted or strayed for anyone else. I think I am a fun and sexual person too. I didn't expect him to reciprocate this as much as at the very least appreciate me. I hold up my end of the responsibilities. He feels bad, I know he does. He says he has realized what a jerk he's been..I believe this too. I have thought if this and if that were to change I would feel happy again. I'm not. I want to forgive him, I just can't figure out how to. I have sexual problems, and a negative body image of myself that I know isn't real but I can't shake it. I feel gross and a loss of pride about letting myself be so affected.

I am not perfect, ACTUALLY I AM PROBABLY PRETTY SCREWED UP!! So what?! Who isn't messed up? I am not going to some shrink over this. I don't need a bunch of garbage put into my head ESPECIALLY after all of this. I also don't need to have my head twisted around in such a way that isn't really the truth so I can cope with a situation that has obviously shown its realities. I already know how effed up I am and why. I don't carry my past head damages around with me. I have done good at dealing with my hangups because I HAVE to. God knows back when I still had hope I would have given a leg to have my head twisted nine ways for him.
This is H.

I am trying to figure out what I have to give. I have not changed until it was "over". Now I feel confused as to what I am. What I even have to show, if anything. I love her, and I never ment things to get so bad. I can sum up the events by saying:

We had a long engagement and I fell for her. We got married and the baby was born. The butterflies left me, and I was trying to find them outside the relationship. That led me up to 4 months ago when I pulled the last straw, and things have changed. I do not have so much to back up the reasons that I am wanting to stay. I love her, but at the same time- I never loved her enough to make changes on my own.

Leaving will devastate us both. Neither of us want this to be how it ends. But I need to do what is right, and not selfish. I want the best for both of us.

Any body got a take on this, now?
???
More advice anyone? We are trying to find ground to stand on.
In re-reading the web page on: Coping with Infidelity: Part 3

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

Quote:

The third step is to brainstorm without criticizing each other's tentative solutions to the problem. They should write them all down and give themselves a chance to think about them without dismissing any of them right away.

The fourth step is to choose the solution that they both feel enthusiastic about following. In most conflicts, one of the solutions will jump out as the right one, especially if both
Learn More!
Marriage Builders<sup>&#65454;</sup>' Bookstore: Surviving An Affair
"Surviving an Affair"
spouses have given themselves some time to think about the entire list and about their conflicting perspectives on the problem. If no solution meets the criterion for "enthusiastic agreement, keep brainstorming.




Our goals are hard to define because of lack of good grounding . I guess we need to try to find ground to stand on, but it is different day to day.

Emotional Roller-coaster.


Then I went on to read :Coping with Infidelity: Part 4

Quote:

This topic is one of the most difficult topics to address in marriage. On the one hand, resentment is a normal reaction to someone who has caused you to go through unbearable pain. It is your emotion's way of warning you to avoid people who have hurt you in the past -- they may hurt you again in the future! But, on the other hand, resentment can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. In fact, resentment itself may become a greater threat to your happiness than what it is you fear.





I think that we are stuck on this idea, and re-reading this will help...
Quote:

Resentment seems insurmountable when an affair is first discovered, and as it unfolds, with its attending lies and thoughtless acts, it's amazing that anyone can actually overcome resentment. But it's a fact that people usually do, especially when the core problems leading to infidelity are resolved. It's a good illustration of how our instincts lead us astray when trying to resolve our marital problems. Most of us cannot imagine overcoming resentment after a spouse's affair, but those who have gone through it know that it's not only possible, but it's likely that resentment will fade away.






I need to be patient, and make sure that I am actually adding deposits, and making a secure ground to walk on.

It helps to have this forum to talk on. I would like to hear back. Thanks!
Sound like I am on right track?
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RespectLost & Wife,

You both have the advantage:

SHE can look forward to overcoming resentment because the abuse has supposedly stopped.

HE can become the husband he always wanted to be since he is apparently not out of control with a sexual addiction.

Go for it!

-LE
She feels like there is no respect to be salvaged after all the facts. I did not meet her expectations as the husband she thought I would be. I am regretful for what I have done, but the fact still remains that I was not what she was expecting. To work things out, she would have to settle with the facts- i did this, I did not stop (she tried to excuse it, but is out of reasons to), I am not the devout person she thought I was, she did not want to marry a shallow man.

We are going to cope with the situation because we have two young children, and we are not by any means wealthy. We have a friendship, but I am not making things better. Today I was suppose to make coffee and wake her up to open the store she works at. I went back to sleep, and did not wake up to snooz alarm. She may very well get fired now. This was the only thing she had that did not have ME associated to it..

I am not going to give up all hope. I believe she is going to leave the "possibility" open, but the things that even give her security are slim....

She is just going to put her energy into making herself happy. I have been doing that for too long, already.

We are two different people. She has always called things out and dealt the cards as they came. I was passive/aggressive, and denied that I was able to change. I wish I had tried harder in the beginning.
I think we are just going to try to cope with situation...
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Don't put the alarm on snooze again. Now is the time to be showing her how you are really changing.
The butterflies DO leave. That early romance stuff. And love can deepen into something more wonderful and more meaningful than those fun little tummy butterflies. Many people do not understand that that's a chemical reaction that does fade in approx. 6-18 months, IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP. The only way to get it back is to fall for somebody else...and then that too would fade....

Better to work on that deeper meaningful love and all its rewards....

Have you and your W filled out the MB questionnaires? That's what you do to find middle ground. That, and commit to your relationship. Simply commit to it. That you ARE going to find the way, together...you may not know exactly what that way is, but you WILL find it.
THANKS! We have filled out all the questionnaire, and I am working on the little things. I know it takes work for any relationship to continue to blossom in the beginning, and that is where I truly messed things up. I am only now being more responsible for the relationship. Things need time still, and I am just trying to stay positive. thanks! Any more advice is always appreciated!
Would love an update.

LA
"I know it takes work for any relationship to continue to blossom in the beginning, and that is where I truly messed things up. I am only now being more responsible for the relationship. Things need time still, and I am just trying to stay positive. thanks! Any more advice is always appreciated!"

My theory is that the longer things went on without appreciation or purposeful positive effort, the longer it may take for the positive changes to be believed. And that's not necessarily a bad thing always. We tend to retain appreciation for those things we had to put more effort and time into obtaining.
I am still trying. I am still coping with the reality of how I let the love slip. It is hard for either of us to really understand how the love and devotion I had when I made the vows, just seemed to disappear when she had our first child.

I have a hard time explaining things. I feel like I fell out of love, and I didn't LOVE enough to not hurt her. She is struggling with the idea of who I am, and what she thought she had to hold on to. It is like what she was waiting seven years for never showed up. It proved itself to not exist.

I do love her, but maybe I have just not been IN love. But at the same time, when you love anybody at all, you do not put them in a position of lesser value. I took my internal power struggle out on her. She was not a culprit of any circumstance. I was. I can say that now, but it does not change how she has to deal with the reality of our situation.
A woman wants to own her husband's libido; as my wife explained.

That makes perfect sense in this world were men seem to be controlled by there lower half. As long as the woman has respect and is the object of desire, there should be a good solid ground. When a man struggles with the "power" he feels that he does not have, I think that is where love should sum up the conflict in a clear mind.

I do love her, but I wanted to be the one with the power and control. A "big man", if you will. This conflict distracted me from being true and honest and understanding. Only now, when I realize that I don't have the "power" over her and I can Empathize with her pain, can I really see how wrong I was.

I try not to hold regret, as much as I am coping with (and her too) the fact that what we had thought we were holding on to is not there and has not been there (at least enough) over the past seven years. Where is our peace?

I think that what anybody in the world truly ever looks for is peace of mind. Dysfunction confuses what will create that, but everyone wants it. Trying to figure out what is the goal and how to find peace. Where does the motivation come from?
This is very helpful to read other's issues. I know we all have different details, but it seems that coming to resolution is a more general path. Taking the time, and really thinking about it. I have not been on here in a few months. Mostly because I thought things were doing good. But the fact is that I need to keep working towards the same goal: marriage. I made the commitment. I fell short. I am ready to reclaim my honor and be the man that I once thought I was. SO many emotions flow. Reading each post is another feeling. I agree, then disagree, then debate and understand.

I think it is a good thing to realize that the fact that my wife and I are Talking and being Honest are still accomplishments. We talked last night after months of touching on it, and my wife said:

"So where are we now?"

Where I impulsively replied,"Same as we were a week ago." As in we are over the frustration of the discussion, and at a similar understanding from a week ago...

"So nothing has changed?", she asked disappointedly.

"No, we discussed things, and we are keeping the honesty. Things are being understood. And we are able to recognize where we are."

I think that helped pick her head up a little. Yet, she still wants to know what her motivation is after I was practically dragged into submission....
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