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RLaD1,

Quote:


I do not feel in a place of worth to even try





This is the attitude that you need to change.

-LE


The reason people do not have higher expectations for themselves is because they might reach them.
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I have to ask you... Do you still want to be married to her? Are you only working on this because you're in "crisis" mode?

As someone who's been in your wife's shoes, I can tell you that although your attempts at improvement are noble she may not be ready to see or accept them yet.

The best thing you can do, is to keep making improvements and showing her you're willing to change. I'd advise volunteering to get individual counseling to find out why you would do something like this to her. That would have gone a long way with me in regards to my husband.

Beyond that, the ball is really in her court at this point. She's broken and sometimes it IS too late for "i'm sorry, i've changed". That's really up to her and you're not in control of that.

I hope that she is able to see your efforts as sincere (as I hope they are) and that she is willing to give you another chance.

If she does, you better cherish it with everything you have! Not many people are given as many chances as you have been!!!!

Good luck!!

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I am still trying. i just get bogged down when she explains how bad I have been.


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Are you willing to make ALL the needed changes, permanently, even if your betrayed wife (BW) never gives you another chance?

Are you willing to get totally clean from your porn addiction? Are you willing to stay in individual counseling (IC) until you know for sure why you were the way you were and specifically how to never become that way again? Are you willing to confess to your wife everything, and apologize to her for everything, even if by doing so she will act more angry and hurt, and may reject your apology? Are you willing to clearly demonstrate with actions that your wife means much more to you than the girlfriend from high school? Are you willing to take the lead in recovery and take responsibility for repairing?
ONLY if you answered yes to all the above do you have and deserve a chance at keeping your wife.

What is it that you want, need, maybe even expect, from your wife in order to feel good about yourself again? How soon do you expect her to respond to you in that way? What will you do if she doesn't respond in a positive way to your efforts for several days? Weeks? Months? Years?

Last edited by meremortal; 11/03/07 07:46 PM.
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Yes, I have decided that I will make all these changes. It does get hard some days. I am trying to STAY positive. I have not gone to any porn or other in months now. Best EVER, but not really something to brag, just self rewarding to be clean in the head.

I saw a counselor, but not a true Dr. and I don't know who to go see, and how to even decide to go. Busy life, and my wife is not fond of getting outside help (i.e. as proof).

I need her to keep trying, which she is. I expect her to hurt, but let it go with time. I know it will take months to get real response, real improvement in the relationship as a whole. I am trying to keep at it, not let it go without being dealt with after a few days. I try to give time between big discussions, and not to stop them without some sort of resolution or Understanding.

Time is hard to take as it is slow when there is problems. We are trying still...

Thanks for the advice and reassurance. I know she has her good days and bad days with dealing with me, but all in all it is not bad as it was in retrospect.


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You need to man up to her emotions right now, she is hurt. You have had time to process what you have done to her, she is just learning. DO NOT TELL HER TO LET HER HURT GO OR GET OVER IT. It is a lot to deal with all at once, she will operate on her time frame- not yours.

I am almost at one year- and I am still on an emotional roller coaster. Give her time- and be there for her.

Until you are able to understand the pain you have caused her - not just tears- it will be difficult for her to recover. She needs to know that you get it.

I challenge you to look at yourself and figure out what allowed you to cross the line, what you propose to do in the future, what is it that you liked about yourself in the other relationships etc you really need to figure yourself out. Good luck
AM


BS-me 38y
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DS-14y
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Quote:



I need her to keep trying, which she is. I expect her to hurt, but let it go with time. I know it will take months to get real response, real improvement in the relationship as a whole




See, that's where my husband went wrong with me. He expected me to get over it in HIS time frame. All that did was make it take longer. It's been over four years now and I only recently forgave him for what he did. I still have issues trusting him and i'm working on that though.

I have my good days and bad days too.

IMO the very best thing you can do, is talk to a IC and figure out why you did this. Once you do that, communicate it to your wife if she wants to know. That's what finally brought closure for me anyway. For 4 years he just "didn't want to talk about it" so for 4 years, I couldn't let it go. Once he REALLY talked to me about why he did it, what he was thinking/doing I was able to let it go. Forgiveness was almost instant. My trust issues with him have more to do with lies that occured beyond the porn/internet profile stuff. That i'm still working on.

You need to A. Work with a IC on yourself, regardless of whether your wife stays with you or not. Do it for YOU!!! You don't ever want to do this to your wife (or anyone else) ever again, right?

B. Be an open book to your wife. Let her know that you're doing everything you can to fix this on your end.... And then realize that beyond that how she handles this is up to her.

Continue to stay positive!!!

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Any bode else that can relate, or add to the topic. Please try to read the whole discussion.Everything is helpful for me and anyone reading this post. Thanks.


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After all was said about my ex from 8 yrs ago, and the total realization of all the troubles, W has said she is done with this. I am numb and I do not know what to even feel. I know I have tried, but it was 6 yrs too late. She does not see anything from our past to reconnect with...

I don't know how to even accept this....


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Please help me know what is an appropriate action!


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I know there is someone that can tell me some advice?...

I know I did wrong, but what should I do?

Am I suppose to lie down, or am I suppose to fight?!!!!!

I want it to work, but I still have things to work on. I have been the offender. I want it to be better. Am I disillusioned to reality?


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?


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Men primarily absorb through their "eye gate". In other words, they are more visual and what they "see" goes straight to their heart. There is no way you can be a loving husband to your wife the way God meant you to be when you're filling your heart with darkness of porn. It is disrespectful to your wife and I imagine you have done a lot of damage.

Women primarily absorb through their "ear gate". What they "hear" goes straight to their heart. I imagine you weren't saying very loving things while you were trapped in your porn.

I agree with the others here. There is no magic pill to make your wife's heart turn. Just doing the program and saying, "Look at me, look how good I'm doing, doesn't that mean anything?" doesn't compute with her right now. Why? Because she busted you and thinks you're doing this turnaround because you WERE busted. Not because you wanted to.

She needs to heal from all the damage you've caused. I say focus on getting to the bottom of your own issues so that you can come clean with your wife from an honest and repentant heart. So that you can make her feel safe enough to trust you again. It may take a while or it may be too late.

If I were you, I'd get down on my knees and ask God for forgiveness first and to help mend your marriage and make it one where you guys are seeking after Him first and loving each other the way you're supposed to.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Quote:

I know there is someone that can tell me some advice?...

I know I did wrong, but what should I do?

Am I suppose to lie down, or am I suppose to fight?!!!!!

I want it to work, but I still have things to work on. I have been the offender. I want it to be better. Am I disillusioned to reality?




The best thing you can do now, is do exactly what I've told you to do twice! Go find an individual counselor. Not tomorrow, not next week.... NOW!!!

Let your wife know, that you still love her very much and that you're trying to get yourself the help you need. Don't beg her to stay. She'll only see that as you doing all of this out of desperation. Tell her very calmly that you don't want a divorce and realize you need to talk to someone about all of this.

But if she chooses to leave, that's up to her. You can't MAKE her stay. She'll have to decide if she can live with that decision for the rest of her life, or not. But either way, you need to work on YOU!!!!

Just like she couldn't control you looking at porn and everything else you did, you can't control whether or not she stays married to you.

Maybe a trial separation wouldn't be such a bad idea. It would give her the space she may need to think things through and it would give you time to get into counseling and show her (and mainly yourself!!!) that you're improving.

The one thing you have to remember, is that you can't unring a bell. You did what you did. You can't change the past, only the future. And sometimes, the things we do can't be "fixed". This may very well have been the straw that broke the camel's back for her. That's the risk you took when you did what you did!!! I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, please don't take it that way.

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Quote:



The best thing you can do now, is do exactly what I've told you to do twice! Go find an individual counselor. Not tomorrow, not next week.... NOW!!!




It is hard to go there as I know a couple of schooled psycs. I do not believe in them as much as I believe in God having things laid out the way they are going to work. I guess I feel that there are the reasons that I am not still in counseling for a reason. I am praying, and doing inner healing.

This is a kind of therapy for me, and the counselor that I saw was Blown Away with how far I was on my own. He didn't have advice, just to talk about the things I had gone over already with my self. They are in my journal, and I go over them.


Quote:

The one thing you have to remember, is that you can't unring a bell. You did what you did. You can't change the past, only the future. And sometimes, the things we do can't be "fixed". This may very well have been the straw that broke the camel's back for her. That's the risk you took when you did what you did!!! I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, please don't take it that way.




I know this, but it is the hard one to swallow. I do not really know if I even truly have the right to even be trying, but I do feel that God has his hand in this, and I am trying because it is the only way I am going to grow. If she likes the growth, then it was right, if not- then is was her proof that I wasn't for her anymore.


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Nothing has really gotten better in the past 4 months, except the honesty and clarity. I don't really know if we are truly compatible, but neither of us want a divorce?!?!!!!

What is the next step? We try all sorts of things, and we are open, but the facts are still the same, and I cannot un-ring that bell.

Any one have anything to add?


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I can see how looking at porn behind your wife's back would upset her.

Opinions vary, but if looking at porn is infidelity at all, it's got to be considered the least of all infidelity-related offenses.

Direct her here, and let her read some of the horror stories. I'll tell her my story, for that matter.

After that, she just might have a different outlook on your porn viewing. She might even consider herself lucky.


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Hello, this is me, the wife..the hurricane, if you will. I just read some of the replies to my husbands postings on here.
May I just call out the obvious here by saying that this crap totally sucks!! It sucks that relationships don't work out, it sucks that people become betrayed. People get themselves into marriages where one is just and honest and obviously thought the same of the other. It's not like I think my husband is such a horrible and terrible man. it just breaks my heart and scares me that I had lived out this love that wasn't really there. How do I know?? Well, were on this site aren't we??

Basically, I wanted to find some hope in this marriage like a little piece left of the old love like the one that somehow convinced me to want and feel safe to become committed and strap myself down to TONS of responsibility. Funny, how it isn't so bad when you're in love and it all makes sense??? I am too far along to be able to trick myself in believing in this because believe me I have torn myself apart in order to give more chances. Yes, I am totally afraid of being single with two children. Neither one of us are good at being independent. He is trying to get through college, and we are poor and I am still stuck at home with a three year old and a five year old.I have no education or any money AND I am not eligible for daycare assistance or welfare because of his school,blah blah blah
I am being a child, i am being childish!! I am heartbroken and I didn't want to let go of my fairytale. I have cared for the children and love them but I need a break. I feel like I need someone to care for me now. I am hurt and depressed and tired and life doesn't stop for this sort of thing.

It isn't just pornography that messed us up so bad.. It was the obsession he had about it. He was crushing on young girls at school, he was totally neglecting me, lying, and breaking promises. He was acting out in other perverted ways that had great emotional AND financial cost to the family. I was totally in love with him, I didn't realize what his behavior meant as much as how it hurt me. He is a good person. He had chosen me, I wasn't expecting him to treat me like a princess, I just needed to be his #1 girl in order to cope with the usual life hardships we sometimes face, especially young families.
I am an attractive girl. I am so very extremely loyal. I honestly never lusted or strayed for anyone else. I think I am a fun and sexual person too. I didn't expect him to reciprocate this as much as at the very least appreciate me. I hold up my end of the responsibilities. He feels bad, I know he does. He says he has realized what a jerk he's been..I believe this too. I have thought if this and if that were to change I would feel happy again. I'm not. I want to forgive him, I just can't figure out how to. I have sexual problems, and a negative body image of myself that I know isn't real but I can't shake it. I feel gross and a loss of pride about letting myself be so affected.

I am not perfect, ACTUALLY I AM PROBABLY PRETTY SCREWED UP!! So what?! Who isn't messed up? I am not going to some shrink over this. I don't need a bunch of garbage put into my head ESPECIALLY after all of this. I also don't need to have my head twisted around in such a way that isn't really the truth so I can cope with a situation that has obviously shown its realities. I already know how effed up I am and why. I don't carry my past head damages around with me. I have done good at dealing with my hangups because I HAVE to. God knows back when I still had hope I would have given a leg to have my head twisted nine ways for him.


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This is H.

I am trying to figure out what I have to give. I have not changed until it was "over". Now I feel confused as to what I am. What I even have to show, if anything. I love her, and I never ment things to get so bad. I can sum up the events by saying:

We had a long engagement and I fell for her. We got married and the baby was born. The butterflies left me, and I was trying to find them outside the relationship. That led me up to 4 months ago when I pulled the last straw, and things have changed. I do not have so much to back up the reasons that I am wanting to stay. I love her, but at the same time- I never loved her enough to make changes on my own.

Leaving will devastate us both. Neither of us want this to be how it ends. But I need to do what is right, and not selfish. I want the best for both of us.

Any body got a take on this, now?


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???


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