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More advice anyone? We are trying to find ground to stand on.


Engaged-1 yr.
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W-3 yrs older
Young couple headed for 30.
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In re-reading the web page on: Coping with Infidelity: Part 3

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

Quote:

The third step is to brainstorm without criticizing each other's tentative solutions to the problem. They should write them all down and give themselves a chance to think about them without dismissing any of them right away.

The fourth step is to choose the solution that they both feel enthusiastic about following. In most conflicts, one of the solutions will jump out as the right one, especially if both
Learn More!
Marriage Builders<sup>&#65454;</sup>' Bookstore: Surviving An Affair
"Surviving an Affair"
spouses have given themselves some time to think about the entire list and about their conflicting perspectives on the problem. If no solution meets the criterion for "enthusiastic agreement, keep brainstorming.




Our goals are hard to define because of lack of good grounding . I guess we need to try to find ground to stand on, but it is different day to day.

Emotional Roller-coaster.


Then I went on to read :Coping with Infidelity: Part 4

Quote:

This topic is one of the most difficult topics to address in marriage. On the one hand, resentment is a normal reaction to someone who has caused you to go through unbearable pain. It is your emotion's way of warning you to avoid people who have hurt you in the past -- they may hurt you again in the future! But, on the other hand, resentment can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. In fact, resentment itself may become a greater threat to your happiness than what it is you fear.





I think that we are stuck on this idea, and re-reading this will help...


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Quote:

Resentment seems insurmountable when an affair is first discovered, and as it unfolds, with its attending lies and thoughtless acts, it's amazing that anyone can actually overcome resentment. But it's a fact that people usually do, especially when the core problems leading to infidelity are resolved. It's a good illustration of how our instincts lead us astray when trying to resolve our marital problems. Most of us cannot imagine overcoming resentment after a spouse's affair, but those who have gone through it know that it's not only possible, but it's likely that resentment will fade away.






I need to be patient, and make sure that I am actually adding deposits, and making a secure ground to walk on.

It helps to have this forum to talk on. I would like to hear back. Thanks!


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Sound like I am on right track?


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??


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RespectLost & Wife,

You both have the advantage:

SHE can look forward to overcoming resentment because the abuse has supposedly stopped.

HE can become the husband he always wanted to be since he is apparently not out of control with a sexual addiction.

Go for it!

-LE


The reason people do not have higher expectations for themselves is because they might reach them.
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She feels like there is no respect to be salvaged after all the facts. I did not meet her expectations as the husband she thought I would be. I am regretful for what I have done, but the fact still remains that I was not what she was expecting. To work things out, she would have to settle with the facts- i did this, I did not stop (she tried to excuse it, but is out of reasons to), I am not the devout person she thought I was, she did not want to marry a shallow man.

We are going to cope with the situation because we have two young children, and we are not by any means wealthy. We have a friendship, but I am not making things better. Today I was suppose to make coffee and wake her up to open the store she works at. I went back to sleep, and did not wake up to snooz alarm. She may very well get fired now. This was the only thing she had that did not have ME associated to it..

I am not going to give up all hope. I believe she is going to leave the "possibility" open, but the things that even give her security are slim....

She is just going to put her energy into making herself happy. I have been doing that for too long, already.

We are two different people. She has always called things out and dealt the cards as they came. I was passive/aggressive, and denied that I was able to change. I wish I had tried harder in the beginning.


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I think we are just going to try to cope with situation...


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...


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Don't put the alarm on snooze again. Now is the time to be showing her how you are really changing.

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The butterflies DO leave. That early romance stuff. And love can deepen into something more wonderful and more meaningful than those fun little tummy butterflies. Many people do not understand that that's a chemical reaction that does fade in approx. 6-18 months, IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP. The only way to get it back is to fall for somebody else...and then that too would fade....

Better to work on that deeper meaningful love and all its rewards....

Have you and your W filled out the MB questionnaires? That's what you do to find middle ground. That, and commit to your relationship. Simply commit to it. That you ARE going to find the way, together...you may not know exactly what that way is, but you WILL find it.


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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THANKS! We have filled out all the questionnaire, and I am working on the little things. I know it takes work for any relationship to continue to blossom in the beginning, and that is where I truly messed things up. I am only now being more responsible for the relationship. Things need time still, and I am just trying to stay positive. thanks! Any more advice is always appreciated!


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Would love an update.

LA

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"I know it takes work for any relationship to continue to blossom in the beginning, and that is where I truly messed things up. I am only now being more responsible for the relationship. Things need time still, and I am just trying to stay positive. thanks! Any more advice is always appreciated!"

My theory is that the longer things went on without appreciation or purposeful positive effort, the longer it may take for the positive changes to be believed. And that's not necessarily a bad thing always. We tend to retain appreciation for those things we had to put more effort and time into obtaining.

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I am still trying. I am still coping with the reality of how I let the love slip. It is hard for either of us to really understand how the love and devotion I had when I made the vows, just seemed to disappear when she had our first child.

I have a hard time explaining things. I feel like I fell out of love, and I didn't LOVE enough to not hurt her. She is struggling with the idea of who I am, and what she thought she had to hold on to. It is like what she was waiting seven years for never showed up. It proved itself to not exist.

I do love her, but maybe I have just not been IN love. But at the same time, when you love anybody at all, you do not put them in a position of lesser value. I took my internal power struggle out on her. She was not a culprit of any circumstance. I was. I can say that now, but it does not change how she has to deal with the reality of our situation.


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A woman wants to own her husband's libido; as my wife explained.

That makes perfect sense in this world were men seem to be controlled by there lower half. As long as the woman has respect and is the object of desire, there should be a good solid ground. When a man struggles with the "power" he feels that he does not have, I think that is where love should sum up the conflict in a clear mind.

I do love her, but I wanted to be the one with the power and control. A "big man", if you will. This conflict distracted me from being true and honest and understanding. Only now, when I realize that I don't have the "power" over her and I can Empathize with her pain, can I really see how wrong I was.

I try not to hold regret, as much as I am coping with (and her too) the fact that what we had thought we were holding on to is not there and has not been there (at least enough) over the past seven years. Where is our peace?

I think that what anybody in the world truly ever looks for is peace of mind. Dysfunction confuses what will create that, but everyone wants it. Trying to figure out what is the goal and how to find peace. Where does the motivation come from?


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This is very helpful to read other's issues. I know we all have different details, but it seems that coming to resolution is a more general path. Taking the time, and really thinking about it. I have not been on here in a few months. Mostly because I thought things were doing good. But the fact is that I need to keep working towards the same goal: marriage. I made the commitment. I fell short. I am ready to reclaim my honor and be the man that I once thought I was. SO many emotions flow. Reading each post is another feeling. I agree, then disagree, then debate and understand.

I think it is a good thing to realize that the fact that my wife and I are Talking and being Honest are still accomplishments. We talked last night after months of touching on it, and my wife said:

"So where are we now?"

Where I impulsively replied,"Same as we were a week ago." As in we are over the frustration of the discussion, and at a similar understanding from a week ago...

"So nothing has changed?", she asked disappointedly.

"No, we discussed things, and we are keeping the honesty. Things are being understood. And we are able to recognize where we are."

I think that helped pick her head up a little. Yet, she still wants to know what her motivation is after I was practically dragged into submission....


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?


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