I am a 35yo military officer who just returned home from an almost 8 month deployment to find that my wife was having an EA with a co-worker of mine over email the entire time.
A little history.....
I knew, before I left, that my wife and I would probably be starting counseling when I returned. When she would mention that we had issues, I thought counseling was the ONLY optioin (we both have trouble communicating with each other) and told her it would all be better when I returned. I did not think there was time to start counseling - again, I thought that was the only option. While I was gone, she menionedon email a few times that we had issues (but did not go into detail as to what she thought they were) and even over the phone the few times I had a chance to call her. I did not think there was anything I could do over email or the phone, so I kept reassuring her that I only had a few months left and it would then get better.
Let's introduce the "friend/co-worker". He was a geographic bachelor (wife still living at their last duty station due to reasons only they know). I became friends with him the year before deployment and invited him to my home numerous time (including Christmas) because he still lived on the ship and I thought a "home cooked" meal would do him good. He stayed overnight many night due to the late nights of talking and the work he was helping me with on the house before I left. I knew he and my wife were talking about his situation because I knew being away from his wife bothered him. Unfortunately, I left them alone to talk too many times. The entire ddeployment he came into my office, looked me in the eyes, and acted like nothing was goinig on. I found out later that the first time they kissed was the day I left for deployment. He left the same day, but via plane instead of the ship and my wife drove him to the airport.
Now, to what I feel is the worst part. Coming home.
We knew this deployment would be our hardest one and my WW enroled in school to keep herself busy (this took her away from the military spouse's support group). I also knew that when I got home that this transition period would be tougher than the last ones. This would have been my 4th deployment since we got married there were numerous times I was away on detachment, so I completely trusted my wife. I thought she needed me.
About a week after I arrived home, we had our first "discussion". It started out as a period of time we were not talking to each other. I wanted to surprise her and went to pick her up from school. That should have been a wake-up call. Shhe did not come out with the rest of the students and I got worried. After about 30-45 minutes I went to see if she was still there. She was still cleaning up. When she came out, she had the most discusted look on her face and asked "What are you doing?" I thhoght that time was the worst I have ever been treated....until now.
That night we talked about counseling and I mentioned thatg we needed to MOVE some money around so it was in the right po=lace to pay the counselor.....she told me that "she did not think I would care how much it cost." I didn't - I just wannted to make sure it was in the right place. When I made an appointment she mentioned a scheduli9ng conflict with school and could not miss any more days. I even signed us up for a Marriage retreat for after her graduation, but she said her grad date was pushed later and she did not know why. During another talk focusing on ouor past, she brought up that I had been distant for quite some time (not the first time I had heard this but I felt like I had made a conscious effort to change that). She told me about emailing him because she thought I was having an affair with one of my female co-workers and that she felt more "intimate" with him over the emails than she has felt with me. I asked her what she meant and she did not go into details. The third talk was when she mentioned that she was "in love with him". This is where my heart was crushed. I have always felt that I had given my wife a good home and provided her anything she ever wanted. We have a nice car, beautiful home and she usually buys what she wants from most stores. I never mentioned how much money she spent while I was away because I knew she dealt with me being gone that way.
Over the last few weeks, since I have found out, she has now mentioned twice that we had nothing to work on and that it was too late. She insists on not trying. That hurts worse than the EA. I feel like she is not even considering our 9 years together, our marriage, friendship we had. She says she still cares for me but I don't understand how she can put a 9m month email fling above our history together. We have raarely had fights when we yell and we never have been physical toward each other. And, yes, our intimacy has never been to the point that we both wanted it to be at, but we never seeked help before about it. It always seemed like there was some other reason for our lack of intimacy instead of us (anti-depression medication she was on or our schedules).
A lot has been said and done over the last few weeks that I wish never did. We have been physically seperated for about 2 weeks and it destroys me since I just was gone for so long. I have had few chances to tell and show my wife how much I love her and missed her.
I read all the aticles on MB and still honestly feel that, if she only gave us a chance" we woulod be closer than ever before. I want to stay married! She feels it is too late but keeps wondering if she is making the worst mistake of her life. I have been going to counseling but she has only gone once. She feels that she has screwed so many things up (our marriage and his). I feel she is resentful toward me because our entire family knows what is going on, and many of our friends.
I don't know why I am holding on so hard. She says I deserve someone to love me the way I love her. She says I will findd another. I told her I took our vows seriously and that I did not choose her because "she was the best option at the time".

How can I get her to see through this fog? Should I let her "test the waters" with him and take her back? I would in a heartbeat! How can I continue to have hope, when it hurts so much when she shows no sign of trying?

I cannot function the way my emotions are out of control. I need help in a big way......

Hi WH,

Welcome to MB! I'm sorry that you had to come home to this...

To answer the question of your thread: No. One person can't save the marriage.

What you CAN do is learn how to fight for your M. I know all of this is eating you up inside, but trust me, there are many here that have been through very similar circumstances and have rebuilt their M.

I would NOT let your W "test the waters"... and I would tell your "friend" to buzz off and that he is no longer welcome in your home or talking with your W... I would also expose your "friend" to his own W.

The hard part in all of this is learning how to reconnect with your W... read the articles here again and familiarize yourself with the basic concepts.

I'm sure that there will be more posters here to give you some more advice. The weekends are very slow around here so be patient...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Welcome. Just tell his wife that you wife thinkd she is in love with her husband. That should cool things down a bit. Then tell your wife's family and friends.

Also, it is a big mistake not to be living together.

The day after I found out, his wife actually contacted me. We have talked a few times and but it has been over a week. According to the last conversation we had he has already ended it with his wife - even signed some paperwork agreeing to some financial requirements.
I have not seen him since we returned from deployment. The command put a "not contact order" against him. He transferred from the command last week but the NCO expires on the 10th.
According to my WW, they have not attempted ot contact each other during the NCO - I even checked my WW phone and email accounts, but I cannot guarantee she did not use a 3rd party.
Since the first time she told me it was over, I told a few of our friends and all my family. I believe all her family knows now also. She refuses to talk to anyone other than her friends from school (who none of them are in stable relationships). There are only a few close friends (that live in other states) that do not know.
As far as being seperated - I feel I had no choice. It was tearing me up inside to not be able to be close to her, especially after being away for so long. We would spend the evenings watching TV but we would eventually start talking about us and it would turn into a "destructive conversation", as she liked to put it. When I have been able to talk to her, and not get emotional, I feel I have been able to keep a pretty level head about the whole situation.
reading the articles, I was focused on the "sever all connections with lover" and the "withdrawal" periods, which I felt we had done and were going through. I was hoping that the dinner on Friday night would be her way of asking me to come back home.
I would be willing to do anything to reconnect with her. I am more than willing to go to counseling, but she still has not gone by herself. Last update, she was still trying to get ahold of the counselor to make an appt.
I believe to the bottom of my soul that, if she only gave us a chance, then we could have a relationship that was stronger than before.

If I could keep it together, I think I could move back in, but I have been afraid of doing/saying anything over the last few weeks to have her give up completely. Everytime I spoke to her or saw her I feeel like I pushed her farther away - made her resent me because I am not the "man" she married. I have been a complete mess. My emotions have ranged from utter despair to seething anger. I have only really been mad at her 1 day out of many.
I have not spoken to her since Friday night, although she has sent me text messages to ask me to let her know that I am OK.

Our financial situation ahs not changed. She still has access to everything and we tried to set jup a budget for both of us, which she did not follow. She mentioned that she owed people money and I asked her why she did not just let me know that. She wants her own account so she does not have to ask me every time she wants/needs to spend money. I think itis only fair ssince she only brings in a little bit of tip money every week. But again I don't want to do anything to make her get vindictive or run away faaster.
She is supposed to graduate in Nov (I am supposed to transfer in Dec/Jan). She has already mentioned that her plan is to move to St Louis to live with him.
Because of the waiting period required by the state, I would have to fly back here to get the Dissolution final. I was initially thinking that, after a few months of couonseling, she would decide ot go with me to continue to work on us. But if she decided not to, then we could get legally seperated, so I would not have any financial ties to her while I transferred.

Don't know what to do. If I move back home and sleep on tha couch, I feel she would just spend more time away and then I would get paranoid/worried even though he is not in town anymore.

Torn - confused - depressed.......

She still is the first person I want to see when I get up and the last person I want to see before I go to bed. Can I be strong enough to accept what is happening and still be around her?

I have to say that from my understanding, the guys that have wives that wander, are usually the one that started the emotional unavailability. Just my opinion. But I think you can make the right changes. I am having my problems and was asking the same question, but I know one person cannot do it all alone, but you do need to show her reasons to try....

You can check my posts for more web sites to help you figure out where to go. this site is great, but I still have other- deeper things to consider, like my history and the way I deal with life.
Keep up!

You can start working on the things that she complained about and change them. Right now, it is better not to bring up the relationship. Just read all about Plan A and start on that.

Stay in contact with the OM's wife, and tell her about this site. It is very unusual for a married man to leave his wife for his affair partner.

I cannot deny whether I was the first to be emotionally unavailable. It was never intentional and I had no idea what ENs were before this happened. I guess I took it for granted that I thought she needed me and would never leave. She asked me many times, in a state of crying, never to leave her. I felt needed in just taking care of her and providing her a good home. She mentioned a few times about where she "did not want to go" with a relationship but I guess I never got the hint that we were heading that way.
She never actually told me what the problems were. I knew we were not as intimate as I would have liked, but she was constantly on anti-depressants and apologized for her "lack of sex drive". I also thought it was a normal marriage to have your sex drive reduce...... I never stopped desiring her. I knew she wanted me to be more romantic, but I guess I never did what I was supposed to.
When I got back I immediately tried to do all the things I know I stopped. Making dinner, drawing her a bath at night, doing everything I could think of around the house. She was never accepting. We did not get intimate until about the 4th night home. I knew enough not to try and rush things, but afterwards all she did was cry. Made me feel like I pushed myself on her. I still feel like crap because of it, even though I know the circumstances now.
I will go back through Plan A and try and get hold of his wife again. She has since gone back to CA.
As far as him leaving his wife for mine..... I feel he was already 1 foot out the door when he came into my life. He mentioned to his wife that the first time he saw my wife, he knew. That's what pisses me off most about him.
I know I can m ake the right changes, but I am afraid she will not be receptive.

It no use me doing anything else. My WS is determined that a D is the only option and, after graduation, she is going to move in with the other guy. She just says she does not want to be married to me anymore, but still says she cares. How can she actually care knowing how much pain she is causing.

I keep trying and when it does not work my emotional drop gets harder and harder. I cannot even function. I am afraid of getting the help I think I need for fear of it ruining my career. If I get through this my career is all I have. I put everything I had into my marriage and I feel I have nothing left to give.

She won't be receptive until the OM is OUT of her life and there is no contact. Continue talking to his wife - that is important. If he is in the military, notify his command. Keep the pressure up.

Told my WS the other night that I did not want a D, so I was not going to file. Found out tonight that she has an appt with a lawyer next Monday. There is nothing I can do or say to stop this train and all I want to do is stand right in front of it, regardless of what will happen to me.
I told her we can do this without lawyers and hopefully she agrees. I think a Legal Seperation is the best option for me now - maybe she will change her mind before we file for an actual D.

I just cannot let her go......she saw this website but I doubt she read anything. She is in a fog. I feel like I am the one who had the EA. I would think that if the BS wanted to stay married it would be easy to take the next step. She refuses to think we have anything to work on. She thinks it is too late and does not want to stay married to me anymore. I cannot help but feel like she just does not want to face our family and friends becauuse of what she did. She will always believe they will judge her for what she has done, not who she is. I don't even know who she is anymore. Depression has kicked in hard.

Seems like there is nothing I can do anymore....... I have lost faith, lost hope and lost drive.

(((((((WelcomedHome)))))))))
First----- Thank you for your service for us and our country!

And I'm sorry you have to deal with this when you're finally able to come home.

I know you said you read all the articles on this site but I want to direct you to a couple of posts I think you need to read & concentrate on.

For the Newly Betrayed Spouse by Longhorn & Mr Wondering. Lots of VERY useful information in that post. Read it and read it again!!

WelcomedHome, we KNOW how you feel. We have been there too. The desperation and helplessness is overwhelming. Please post & let us help you.

Right now you need to get back home and start Plan A. And expose this affair. Read about Plan A & exposure. Post. Ask questions. You CAN try to save this marriage. It IS possible.

Easy?

No.

But possible.

I tried going home, but she said she would then move out.

She refuses to let me make any deposits in the Love Bank

Seems like everyone already knows.
She told me "This is not easy for me. I have lost my friends, most of my family, people think I am nuts, you are devastated. I'm a villain. I don't wish this on anyone."
I then asked her if any of those things meany anything to her, and that it looks like she is running away from the pain she has caused. I told her she needs to believe in forgiveness.
She then said she did not understand how people can think falling out of love with someone and in love with someone else is so terrible and that it just happened.
But marriage just doesn't happen! She said she took her vows sincerely, but it seems like only until she changed her mind.
Now that she has planned on seeing a lawyer, I feel I am being manipulated into getting the information myself from base, or I am going to be taken to the cleaners.

This pain is overwhelming......

Go see your doc and get some anti-depressants if it gets too bad. You want to be able to think with a clear head and fight this thing.

Your wife is behaving just exactly like they all do. Chances are excellent that the OM will go back to his wife, and yours will be back to you.

I suggest you move back into your home. If she insists, let her move out.

Right!

If she chooses to move out after you move back home you can't stop her. But for YOU to move out, you are handing her the affair on a silver platter.You want to make your marriage work and are willing to fight for it. If she wants to end the marriage, make her do the work to accomplish it. Don't enable her and make it easy.

WelcomedHome, howlong have you been married? And do you have kids?

Hi Welcomed--
I'm a military wife and my husband is currently in Cuba. I know how lonely those deployments can get. I really feel for you in your situation.

I agree with the others 100% that you get yourself back into your home. Its yours and she can't make you leave it.
Yep, she can move her butt out if she pleases, but its not your job to make it easy on her to do so.

I'd control your finances PRONTO. Don't help her pay for a new apartment, don't pay for her lawyer, don't make it easy on her. Don't help her move furniture or any of her belongings out, either. Its one thing to Plan A (be civil and nice and show her you can change) but quite another to be a doormat.

PLEASE Go talk to legal on base about how you can best protect yourself and what you are allowed to do with your finances. Make sure you give her what you are 'required' by the military to give her and not one red cent more. Make her realize she will not be living the life of an officer's wife without you. She's definately become accustomed to a certain lifestyle so I am very scared for you on that issue.

Please check all of your joint accounts and credit cards. I have a bad feeling you might be in for a nasty surprise. Get a credit report and check for new credit cards you might not know about. If she owes people it isn;t your concern-- if your name isnt on that bill, don't pay it for her!

Also, get those anti-depressants if you feel you need them. Also call family support for counseling services to talk to someone. We used family support for our marriage counseling and it was very solution based and a great experience for us. They will be great help for you to get some individual counseling while handling this stress. If you can, see if you can afford to give Dr. Harley a call and get a consult with one of their staff.

Take care, I'll check in on you again.

Thank you all for your advice. Married 8 years (been together 9) and no children.

Unfortunately, I cannot take anti-depressants for fear of losing my flight status. I am not flying now, but even being on them for this situatoion can have devastating career consequences....no matter how long. I cannot find the phone number to his wife, but I keep looking hoping it will turn up. I have no idea if things have changed with them since last time I spoke to her.

As far as moving back into the apartment...... I am more than willing. I feel that I am trying to still stack my deck in case this goes the full mile. She has not worked for 4 years and I feel that if I pay for the apartment (while I am not there) it will be considered in determining the amount for Alimony. They take the lifestyle she is accustomed to into account when looking at these things. More importantly, I will not stay in the apartment if she is not there anyway. It will be too painful. The OM is no longer in town so I don't fear she is having him over. My emotions are getting the better of me when I think about kicking her out. The command has taken care of setting me up in the BOQ, but I will still have to pay for our apartment regardless if she is there or not. I cannot get out of the lease until I transfer. There is no specific legal reqiuirement set by the military about support during situations like this. I have already spoken to Legal and regardless of what she has done, she is eligible for half of everything. Even though I have bought it all....this even includes retirement benefits. That is the only thing I am concerned about protecting.

I sent her an email today asking her to go ahead and set up her own accounts. Once those are set up, and I set up an allotment for her every month, then she will be removed from the Joint Accounts. I want to believe that once she is cut off financially she will realize her mistake, but her affair was with another officer and she plans on moving in with him when this is all over. Not sure if she will even notice the difference and I do not want her to come back because of what she can buy. I feel I would never know and just get used.

I check the accounts many times a day and I already have a credit repport I am working on. I found the General POA a few weeks back and shredded it. The only thing I don't have is the POA for the house (which we are renting out) and we cannot sell that until next summer anyway. I am not worried since the POA for the house will be expired by then. She has mentioned that she is going to cash in her IRA to live off of for a few months (not that much in it, but, initially I did not want her to. Now I could care less).

I have been meeting with the Command Priest and Chaplain and also have a standing appointment with the Command Psychologist every week. She agreed to sit down with the Chaplain with me only to help me "understand and come to some closure" and that she will not change the way she feels. He also offered to sit down with her, without me, so she can discuss what is going on with her. She has yet to sit down with a counselor on her own. She stopped taking anti-depressants in January (right about the time I left) and I did not know it until I got home. I feel this is part of the reason she is not thinking clearly, but I cannot mention this to her. Believe me - I tried. I was hoping she would start seeing a counselor and they would notice right away that she needed meds.

Again, thank you all for your advice and it all makes sense. It just seems like I keep running into a wall. Every attempt I make to deposit into her Love Bank gets rejected.

And every day the pain gets worse.... If only I can stop this slide!

Be sure to double up on exercise then. They say lots of exercise will work the same as anti-D's. Also it is a great stress reliever.

WelcomeHome- I agree with believer- exercise is great for those endorphins!
The retirement benefits... she can't touch those until you've been married for ten years, right? At least that's what I always believed. I'm married to an MA in the Navy and we've been married for 15 years (but together since we were 13).

I'm gonna be a bit off the MB mark here, but maybe you will have to cut her loose.

I have started to exercise, but I cannot say I have a habit yet. It does feel better, but it is so hard to actually leave the room.

As far as the benefits, she is eligible for a portion of them anytime. The 10 year requirement is when DFAS will automatically take it out of your pay before you see it, otherwise you are responsible for sending them the check.

In an attempt to keep the lawyers out, I sent her a ton of info about Dissolution and Legal Seperation. She now feels we can do this without lawyers, but I then found out she was still planning on keeping the meeting with the attorney. I told her that I then needed to get one. She said I was acting crazy and that she will just cancel. I don't feel I am acting crazy just trying to protect myself. I am not saying lawyers will not get involved, I just think it is way too early. We have not even attempted to sit down and discuss this stuff yet.

She says she will check out some banks this week (I am not hopeful since she was supposed to be making an appointment for a counselor for the last 2 weeks and still hasn't seen one). I would like to hold that over her head (appointment with the counselor for us sitting down and discussing division of stuff) but then she will still see the lawyer.

I don't see anything that can stop this momemtum. I still have nightmares about them being together and me being alone. My mind tells me this is the right things to do, but the fear and pain is overwhelming. I still cannot believe she is so ready to throw away our 9 years together. She told me that it surprises her that people think it is so bad to fall out of love with one person and in love with another, I know it happens but she seems to not even be considering that marriage is involved and that marriage just doesn't happen. I told her God put us together for a reason....her retort "Things happen for a reason. You will find someone better than me."

Nothing I say or do will clear the fog from in front of her eyes. Nothing I say or do will get her to consider that her vows are something not so easy to throw away. Nothing I say or do will get her to re-think her decision. The only thing that I think will is if, after the Military Protection Order expires (tomorrow morning) that she will contact him and find that he has decided to stay with his wife. It is a longshot but I need something to hope for. I have lost everything else.

WH, the things that you are doing will only serve to END your marriage, not save it. First off, the problem here is that you are emotionally DETACHED. Living apart does not help that. So, if you want to save this marriage, the first step has to be to MOVE BACK HOME. You can't work on a marriage living apart. Living apart has CAUSED THIS, so that has to be RECTIFIED.

Take your bags, go home and say "honey, I am home. You are my wife, I love you and I am here to stay and work on our marriage."

Secondly, I would stop talking about divorce except to let her know that she will be left penniless and you will fight every step. It will not be amicable and you will not be her "friend." If you do have to move out in the future, you should not give her anything unless ordered by a court. Lest you will just be financing an AFFAIR.

But first things first, WH, go home.