I can't believe YOU ARE so ready to throw it away, WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


You are making it EASY for her to destroy your marriage. When you cooperate with someone whose goal it is to destroy your marriage, you will end up with a ............destroyed marriage. Why would you contribute to your own demise? This CAN BE SAVED!

It doesn't surprise me at all that he's ready to throw it away. I remember being in that spot myself several times, ya now?

However, Melody is right, Welcomed. If YOU wish to try to salvage this marriage you need to start following Marriage Builders concepts and get a plan together. I personally used a bit of DivorceBusting as well (the 180s) and it was extremely successful with my FWH.

Has MortarMan come into this discussion yet? He'd be an excellent resource to tap as well.

WH:

Is this your second marriage?

What were the circumstances of meeting your current wife?

Move back to your apartment. If she wants to move out, that's her choice. And her job to do it.

Don't worry about using lawyers. Are you fighting to save a marriage, or a buck?

IF OM is still in the Military, get the NCO reinstated.

Tell your wife the next time she says she is the villan or something similar: "We can get past this, we can repair what we have, time will make us better."

Using Plan A techniques, show HER what you have learned here!.

Thanks for your Military service!

LG

First, I would think that with how my emotions are going haywire that I was the farthest from emotionally detached. I have also tried going home and she threatened to move out.

As far as threatening to leave her penniless.....the military won't allow that and the state is a no-fault state and does not take misconduct into account. She gegts half by default. If it gets to lawyers, she gets half my retirement also.

I don't feel like I have thrown away anything. I have been fighting tooth and nail since I found out and I keep getting knocked down.

As far as MB Concepts, Plan A keeps getting negative results. She is not allowing me to put anything into her Love Bank. Can you go into more details about Divorce Busting? I have been unsuccessful getting anything when I search.

Have not heard from MortarMan.

Actually she should only get like 25% of your pension- something my husband loved to remind me of when we'd discuss divorce. If what I've heard or been told is true, its based on the years of marriage (for deciding the pension percentage).

GET BACK INTO YOUR APARTMENT. Who the ****** cares if she threatens to move out? ITS YOUR TURF. She is the one in the wrong here and you should not have to suffer a loss of comfort because of it.

There is no 'trying' to go home. Get your butt off these boards, pack your bags and GO HOME. NOW. Make her sleep on the couch if she doesn't like it.

I am the BH, and have never been the WH.

This is my first marriage, her second. I met her at an optometry office when I went and got contacts. I was able to see her nearly everyday and we enjoyed everything together.

The OM is still in the military but has since transferred to his next command. My command can do no more without him being still attached here. The NCO expires tonight.

I have already told her numerous times that we can make this better than we ever were. She says she does not want to be married to me anymore, is going to move in with him after she graduates and refuses to allow me to make deposits into her Love Bank. I still don't even know what ENs he was fulfilling so I can attempt to fulfill them.

I won't be able to get back to the apartment until Sat night. I will attempt to make her dinner, but I am torn whether I tell her I am coming over. On the one hand I want to surprise her but on the other I do not want her to bring friends from school home. If I tell her, then there is a good chance she does not come home.

It seems like i have already tried all the recommendations and techniques but with negative results. I know I need to be patient. But how much pain can I take?

This has been an interesting evening.

We had planned on meeting on Sunday to discuss our stuff. I told her I was going to come over Saturday to make dinner and then we can talk on Sunday. She said she did not know if that was a good idea. Saying that she wanted to know why I wanted to and that she thought it would be too hard and upsetting and would end badly. She then suggested we meet uptown (whatever that meant). She then said that the best idea would be for us to just meet on Sunday. She asked why I was ignoring her when she said it would be a bad idea. She said we were seperatinng and hanging out with her was painful for me right now. I told her I thought she enjoyed still hanging out with me. She said she did but did not want me to think things will be different. She said she was not trying to keep me away and wanted to know what I expected the outcome to be and then she seemed to give up on trying to talk me out of it.
She then mentions that she thought a female friend of hers from school was going ton start staying at the apt and paying some rent. I asked her if that was the reason she did no twant me there and then I asked if I had no say into what happens with the apt. She then said that this was the reason why she did not think it a good idea because the conversation iinevitably goes downhill. I thought that I was keeping it pretty level and then she reiterates that we are seperated (physically not legally). Then she says they were just discussing it and that if I want to come to the apt and live there to let her know and she will leave. And then stated that she will move but really does not have a place to go. I told her I was not making her move and that since this was not my fault I should not have to live the way I am.
At this ppoint she pretty much leads me to believe she will not even come home Saturday night and that she will be there Sunday so we can talk. Oh, and she states "Being together is useless for both of us. We are over, our marriage is over."

Now I am driving her "insane" and I need to let her knnow what time to come over Sunday. I "ignore everything she has to say anyway."

Not sure how we can sit down and discuss anything when she takes the conversations we have over the phone like this. At no point during the conversation did I mention moving back home. All I said was that I was coming over Saturday night to make dinner, then we can get up Sunday and discuss what we need to talk about.

There is no talking to her and I feel the best thing is for her to get back on Medication but she now refuses (again) to seek counseling. She does not think she needs it again.

I don't think I have anything to lose by still heading over there Saturday. If nothing I try to say or do will get her to still see me as her husband then there is nothing I can say or do to make her leave any differently than she already is.

I just want to SCREAM!

Why the heck are you waiting until Saturday to move back? You should be in your home this evening!

I have duty and cannot leave the ship. Saturday is my first option.

Shipmate,

You need to settle down.

DO NOT take her threats too seriously.

From the lawyer, I'll move out, it's never gonna work...Blah Blah, Blah... I heard ALL of it! None of which actually occured.

Even if it's all true, do you think that calling her bluff will change that?

YOU move back in. If she wants out, so be it... She needs to take that step.

Do not be weak. Do you want pity from her? Or do you want her to respect you?

I've got to get back to work. email me at the addee you find when you click on my name.

Oh ya... Go see the Flight Doc, and explain what's going on. I've been there. You are not safe for flight.

-JKT

Ah! Ok, that makes sense. I wondered about that today. Sorry for busting your chops!

Welcome-- I hope this post finds you back in your apartment where you belong. Stick to your guns and don't back down.

I am back in the apartment but not sure for how long.

I made dinner tonight and I think it went well. It was ready right when she got home. I cleaned up after dinner and we watched some TV. She is now in bed with me on the couch.

Tomorrow we are supposed to sit down and talk about the division of our property. I still do not want to do it but feel that if I do not then she will go to the lawyer on Monday morning.

She still refuses to seek counseling and refuses to cut off contact. Fotunately he is now a thousand miles away, but I feel like that will change in November.

I feel like the only thing that kept me going this week was the idea that I was going to come in here with my guns blazing. Ready to move back in and check her reaction. Now that I am here I cannot say what I will do. When we first saw each other tonight she held out her arms to give me a hug and told me it was good to see me. Now I sit here petting our dog (that she is taking away from me) and second guessing my strength.

My chest hurts from the stress of all this and I have told some of our out-of-state friends about the situation. We still have friends that need to know since we are the God Parents of their children.

I still feel like I have no choice tomorrow but am not sure if I will hold myself together. It was harder than I thought to even drive over here today and excrutiating to be here for dinner and not show any emotion.

I seem to do better when I take action, but, now that I am here, I do not know what to do.

Welcomed,

INCOMING>>>

You need to get a grip!



You need to do less feeling and more thinking. You can simply NOT talk about division of property... you have a CHOICE in what happens - every minute of every day.

You are letting her run this thing even further into the ditch...no, you're HELPING her run it further into the ditch.



And just how, exactly, is she "taking the dog away"...you're letting her?



OK, now we're getting somewhere. First of all, you are there. Second of all, so is she. (not to mention the dog... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

So, what you do is BE THERE, as opposed to being emotionally absent. You do what folks here casually refer to as PLAN A!

Also, as a man of action, you need to re-train yourself to be PATIENT! You cannot FIX this. You cannot MAKE anything happen. You can only be the person that is safe to be with. You can be the person that she married. You can NOT think about OM (because you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, as we all do, that he's a loser... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

You can put on the BRAKES, by not continuing to be reactionary to what she says and does.

This is a power struggle, WH, between you and...YOU.

Breathe, contemplate your navel, and just be there...with HER.

OBTW, if you're in the apartment with her...what are you doing online instead of BEING WITH HER?...just a question.

Hang in there, shipmate... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Personally, I would have gone to bed before she did so she'd sleep on the couch. Or heck, just crawl into bed and sleep.


I'm a little confused, Welcomed. DO you want a divorce? If not, why the heck are you going to sit around with her and even discuss it!? You are handing it to her on a silver platter.

What's the problem with her going to the lawyer (which YOU will NOT pay for) exactly? If she doesn't have the money to pay him (you did remove the bulk of your cash into a seperate account, right? Leaving just enough to cover groceries, utilities, and rent,right?)... you still DO NOT want to do any of the work towards this divorce.

That means no discussion of it, no paying towards it, and no moves that make it easier for her to get one.

If you want this marriage you are going to have to plan A to the best of your abilities, but do it with a spine. Get a seperate account and put all of your extra money in it. Leave her this in the joint account: rent money, utilities money, and a budget for groceries. Hand her a piece of paper with the budget on it. IF she shrieks about it, tell her, "Guess its time you look for a job."

Of course, she may just turn to OM for more money and to pay for the lawyer, but at least YOU won't be the one paying for it. You must do nothing that facilitates the divorce. You don't move one piece of furniture for her, either.

As for the dog... if you are on ship she's probably been the primary caregiver during your floats,right? Its her dog, too.

Everything that Learning2fly and mojodiva says I completely agreed with all week. I am just not sure how to approach things without making this ugly. I know that if I mention moving back in permanently she will go off and move out.....not a big deal. I know I did not cause this. If we do not discuss division of property today, I thought about offering to do something in the city - which I can guarantee she will not agree to. Then she will go to a lawyer tomorrow. I agree that she will have to figure out how to pay for it.
What I cannot figure out is how to start. Yes, I am in the apartment, and I did not stay in the bed with her last night (we tried that before and she just kept moving to the couch. When I went to the couch, she went back to bed - neverending cycle). I have been awake for a few hours and went for a run. Now I am going to take a shower and make breakfast. Pancakes were always our weekend thing.

I'll keep everyone posted, and thank you again.

Now you're a mindreader?

Each one of those statements means you're projecting into the future and that way are ensuring that they happen. SHE's still the one that will have to go see the lawyer, move out, etc., and it's exponentially more difficult to threaten to do things than to actually do them.

As for the couch/bed thing...you're not "chasing" her from the bed to the couch and back again, you are merely sleeping in "your" bed...she can choose to sleep wherever she wants...you have NO CONTROL over what she does...but you have control over what YOU do...get it?

Sleep in your own bed! Like L2F says, its yours, why shoul YOU be shunted to the couch. If she wishes to sleep on the couch, so be it. She will get tired of it. Big Deal, woe is me-- she deserves to be uncomfortable. YOU DON'T.

How not to make it ugly. Well, the best you can do is remain civil. Tell her you still love her, still want your marriage and that you don't want a divorce. Its really that simple. IF she starts to argue or insult you, ignore it. You can't control her reactions, its your job to work your plan A and become the husband you wish to be. Get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters. Read them and leave them out for her to find. Get 'Surviving an Affair' and read that too..also leaving it where she can see it.

Are you a religious/spiritual person? Find someone or somewhere in your community wher you can be guided by your faith. My online relationships with Orthodox Jews literally saved my sanity and shored me up during those extremely difficult times when I questioned what I was doing. I didn't have a spouse that was outwardly fighting recovery, but I was dealing witha spouse that was not yet ready to really give up his serial adulterous ways. It took one more horrendous, family-shattering D-day for him to wake up.

Expect her to battle you. Expect her to b*tch. Ignore it and continue to do what YOU need to do to save this marriage.

While she is at a lawyer's office tomorrow (*rolls eyes* we hear this all the time), you head to the bank and set up that seperate account and head to PSD to change your direct deposits. Set up the allotment for the rent and utilities and food for the joint and the rest direct deposit into your account. Do this before she empties out your bank. Believe me,she'll try!

Welcomed,

EVERYTHING stated above is spot on.

I would add keep your COC in the loop on all your actions, if/when she decides to declare you non-supportive finacially they will already have a break down of your actions. They will see she is reacting "throwing a tantrum".

You've offered to put a roof over her head, food on the table, clothing on her back, ect.. If she declines that, all other options are her responsibility.

You are not responsible to finance her lawyer, fund her move elsewhere, etc...

Could this potentially drive her to OM? Possibly... But, mostlikely it will put a crack in the fantasy land veneer.