She went to the lawyer. Now she is mentioning what she is eligible for and I feel like she is holding that over my head.

I feel that if I do not give in to her minimal requests (apartment until January, $400/month until about March, selling my motorcycle to buy her a car without payments) then she will take whatever is left, plus I will be responsible for paying Alimony for longer than March (plus a lot more money for it).

I am getting some things together to talk to my own lawyer tomorrow. She says she just wants this to be over. Every day it is like she adds onto what she wants me to provide. Unfortunately, it still has not met up to what she is eligible for. I feel I have to serve this up on a silver platter for her if I am going to come out of it in one piece.

Welcomed-- you must decide which is more important to you-- your financial situation or the marriage. Her requests will just grow in time. Don't give in to anything she says without getting a bulldog lawyer of your own.

What state are you in? Is it a no-fault state? Can you name the OM during divorce proceedings and maybe sue the OM for alienation of affection? Ask your lawyer if its possible to name the OM in paperwork and have him testify in court that he's having an affair with your wife. Are you asking base legal or are you going to speak wtih a civilian lawyer? I'm hoping you are talking to a civie with a great reputation and not going to one that had the smallest fee listed in the newspaper. Too many sailors go that route and get screwed!

What does yur wife's family think of all of this?

As for buying her a car....hmmm... I bet there's a sailor selling someting for $2000 on base. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She is threatening you... It's all hear say until a court demands it. Nothing is set in stone, and everythng is negotiable. Her inital consult with the Lawyer was most likely a freebie, with the lawyer touting what he can do for her. She's playing poker with you and winning.

Get a Lawyer, fine someone who knows military. If you have not already done so, protect ALL your money.

Quit getting wrapped around the axle over her verbal threats. Push back... Move back in, sleep in your own bed. You are providing a place to live, and to my knowledge no court or COC is going to require you to fund her desire to leave the home when you've done nothing wrong.

Sell nothing until you have an order requiring it.

Standby for incoming 2x4...

Your being weak.

Your pity is going to get you in trouble. This is a woman who wants you to finance and enable her to go off, live alone, and dream about her future life with the OM she love's so much.

It's time to pick your a$$ up off the ground, and get busy.

Bumping in hopes we get an update!

Quick update.

My own civilian lawyer did nothing for me. Basically told me that she has rights to half of everything (Community Property State) and that there was NO way to keep her out of my retirement without negotiating - which he said should be done between the 2 of us. So what do I need him for. Well, I am definitely not going back to him. I would rather go to court with only her lawyer there.

This is also a No Fault State so misconduct in the marriage has no factor. Also, Maintenance Costs (Alimony) depends on how long we have been married, whether she works or not (which she does not - by choice because of school), standard of living she is used to, etc, etc. So the law is in her favor since I am the "bread winner". As far as the command - the only thing I can do to protect myself there is to set up an allottment so she cannot come back and pull the "non-suppoort" thing. I can be required to "fund her desire to leave" for up to 2 years.

I think it is well past threats now. I guess it is a matter of her filing the paperwork - it is already filled out. If I refuse to sign, even with a lawyer, then all it will do is delay and I will get summoned. I have pushed back and it made it worse. The more I push the more she asks for - and will get it because of the way the law reads.

I think I am at the point that I may even want it to end. I can get past the initial affair but the constant disrespect is wearing me down. There is nothing I can do to protect the marriage. All I can do is protect myself and hope that, somewhere down the road, she will come to realize what she has lost.

Plan A definitely is not working here, so Plan B was my next step, but with the way the paperwork is going she will never really be "disconnected" from me becauuse of the financial link.

I did ask the lawyer what I can bring up in court (OM, irresponsibility with our money, etc.) and he told me even if I bring it up it will not be considered. I have even got my lawyer friends to advise and they all agree that there is still a lot that can be used as leverage, unfortunately nothing that can get her to try to work us out. I think she is starting to feel the crunch of needing to get a job, but still has not done so. I cannot even get the court to order her ot do so. Because of how the debt was aquired, even if the court orders her ot be responsible for it, the creditors can still come after me if she does not pay. Whish now threatens my job because of my security clearance.

Will write more later.

Does your state have a legal seperation? At least with a legal sep you wouldn't be responsible for any debt she aquires after that date.

She was going to make more demands of you whether you fought back or not. Please remember that. This is typical of a WS.

Get that allotment taken care of and keep records showing that you did it. I have a feeling your WW thinks she's going to get a lot in alimony, but she honestly won't-- especially with no children. The alimony may seem a lot to you, but it won't cover everything she is used to.

Are you still home? Do not give one inch on leaving the apartment. FORCE her to have to find one of her own and have to pay for it and its upkeep. DO NOT MOVE.

What state are you in?

I currently live in Washington, but soon moving to Rhode Island.

I am not in the apartment - back on base. Looking at the negotiations, it works in my favor with what she is requesting as Spousal Maintenance. Right now she is only requesting support through February. She is finished with school late Nov but not heading to St Louis until January. She is heading home for the holidays to try and salvage her relationship with her mom. Our friends and family all think I am being very generous - so do I. I figure if I cannot salvage this relationship, then I should at least protect me financially.

I have been extremely angry this week. She is supposed to meet the OM tomorrow to get in our storage to get some of his stuff out (he transferred beginning of Oct). Due to his situation he was storing stuff at my house until we got back (well before I found out about them). That is what still haunts me - I invited him into my home and treated him like a friend. She said she was not going to be available until Tuesday because of projects she had to do for school. All I can think is that she has been spending the entire weekend with him.
The disrespect is killing me! She said she would not have him in the apartment. I cannot get over to the apartment - I have been on duty and I also lost my apartment keys. I was thinking of goinig to the storage unit while he is there tomorrow, but I do not know where it is and it would be better if I did not see him with the anger I am feeling this week.
My WW will not respond to my text messages so we can discuss some things (mainly about her separate back account). I have been trying to get her account info so I can set up the allottment, but she keeps saying she will get it to me (now on Tuesday). I am not even sure if she has even set it up. We tried to set it up on-line (with auto transfer from our joint account) but when she went into the branch to ask about what the delay was, theuy could not find anything on it. So she took out money from the ATM to set up the account in the branch and told me they said the auto-transfer would be cancelled and the other account would be cancelled. Well, the transfer went through. So did she just go to the ATM so she would have money to spend time with HIM this weekend?????? I have no idea.

During my angry spurts I want to tell her to move out, hire herself a lawyer and get ready to liquidate our stuff. She has more of an attachment on some of our things than I do. My heart still wont allow me to do that. I still have a need to make sure she is taken care of even though I know I will not be able to get over the disrespect easily. I cannot trust anything she says and thinking that she is lying about things makes me more angry. I have no prook she is lying, but I still cannot help but think the worst.

All I want is for her to have enough respect for me (after everything I have done for her over the last 9 years) to stop the lies. I cannot stop her from doing what she wants to. I hope she wakes up one day and realizes what she has done. She says she knows she has hurt me and she says she is sorry. She stoill tells me I am her "friend". That hurts more than anything.

Today I have dropped again into a state of depression.

Does the pain ever go away? I still have a hope that they will fall on their faces and she will want to reconcile before we actually get a D. I still believe I could have gotten over the EA but the disrepect she has shown toward me since I have returned home is almost unforgivable. She is not the woman I married - and I desperately want that woman back. I feel lost and empty.

I felt that a lot has happened in the past week, but as I read my last post, I realize I am wrong.

I have been reading through other posts trying to get any more advice that may help.....I see a lot of the same advice, but sometimes worded a bit differently.

I still do not physically want a divorce but my emotional state depends on this constant barrage of pain to stop. My WW is still lying to me. All I have asked her is to respect me enough to be honest at this point. I know that I can do nothing to stop the progress toward a Legal Sep right now - I can only hope that, during the next 6 months, she will fall flat on her face and then realize what she has done and want to change. Half the time I say I will take her back, but the other half will make sure I continue to walk my new path.

I am still receiving support from my command but I am trying not to be pushy and be a burden to them. I feel that he does not deserve to be a Naval Officer and definitely does not deserve to have a Security Clearance. I am going to do what I need to do to ensure his next command knows of his indiscetions here.

Right now, my WW and I are still working out the details for Spousal Support. My big issue is more of morals. I cannot give her money while she decides to live with this guy, BUT, I cannot cut her off completely because I still care for her (even after all she has done and continues to do). I feel obligated to make sure she is "set up" but I refuse to support her social life and new relationship.

I kept feeling like I needed to "stack the deck" in my favor to keep her away from my retirement benefits, even though she wants no part of them. I spoke to another lawyer today and now I feel like I am no longer caught in a trap. Before, I felt that, no matter what I did, the law was on her side since she hnas not worked for years. Now I have to make sure what I decide to "give" her is for the right reasons - because I want to, not because I think it will keep her paws off stuff at a later date.

I have contemplated volunteering to forward deploy to Iraq. I have even told my WW this. Not sure why, other than the fact that she deserves to worry, but I feel like a bad person for making her feel that way - even though she continues to make me feel worse. She cried on the phone the other night because her sister and mom are not talking to her because of this. She said she could not believe that they would do this to her. I told her that a lot has happened over the last 9 months that neither of us expected and that I was sorry she was feeling a small portion of what I have been feeling since I never expected her to do this to me.

I still cannot understand what was so sh$%^&tty about our life together that makes it easy for her to walk away from the last 9 years into this new relationship and so much unknown? She finally spoke to one of our mutual friends the other day and there seems to be a lot that my WW does not want to tell me about our marriage because she does not want to hurt me. Really - what does it matter now? I used to be very secure with myself, but now, I keep second guessing ebverything and taking blame for this whole siituation, that I now feel like I will be this insecure for the rest of my life. The person I see in the mirror still disgusts me and I am trying to change that.

I have done all the work tonget this LS completed - even though I do not want it. I feel I have no choice. I cannot continue to go about my daily business without making an attempt to protect myself.

can the Legal Sep accomplish the same things as Plan B? I have not even been able to do anything toward Plan A and I so wish I could. Shhe accepts nothing from me - emotional or physical.

WH