I have been divorced since February. My family has been wonderful, emotionally supportive and helping me face each day since my ex-husband's infidelity came to light six years ago. Now my ex isn't living up to his responsibilities in the divorce and I am getting a lot of pressure from my father to take him to court.

My ex owes me about $1200 for 1/2 the repairs on the house we owned jointly while it was on the market. He won't pay, plus according to the MDA he was supposed to set up a couple of insurance policies with me as owner on one and trustee on another. He's set up one policy, but I am not the owner, and I don't believe he's set up the other. He did owe me 1/2 a support payment, but when his lawyer found out that I was planning to file suit, he made my ex pay me that money. Sorry for all these details--the crux of the matter is that my father believes the only way to make ex comply and quit being such a jerk to me is to haul him into court. I know my ex treats me rudely and owes me money, but I'm afraid that if I bring a case against him, our somewhat hostile relationship will deteriorate into something openly vicious, which can't help us be co-parents of our teenage sons. Meanwhile, my own father, who has helped me and been behind me all the way with a sympathetic ear and willing hands and feet, has told me angrily to either file suit or don't tell him anymore about how the ex is treating me. He later apologized for saying that, but I feel like the other "man in my life" has let me down.

Rose Red-

Contact your lawyer. *You* may not have to haul him into court. This isn't a relationship issue, it's a legal issue. If the D was final and the financial things you mentioned were in the paperwork, then your XH is in contempt of court. He will answer to the judge-not you. And your dad is probably right. This may be the only way to get your X to stop trying to "get" you with his rudeness. Most bullies don't back down until they are faced with someone who doesn't bend. Judges don't bend on issues like this, and judges really don't like to have their rulings ignored.

You have D'd this man. Your father is trying to get you to not back down from someone who is treating you, his own children, and the court, with disrespect. Your dad may not have done it the right way, but he didn't let you down. Plus, he apologized. He just got upset that you are being treated this way. Parents (even those with adult children) hate to see their kids hurt and treated poorly.

If I were you, I'd have your lawyer file whatever form you need to have CS taken directly from your XH's paycheck and deposited with whatever agency in your state is in charge of support enforcement.

Thank you, twin. I probably needed to hear that. Maybe I couldn't make up my mind to do it because to me it did seem like a relationship issue, which you are right, it isn't. My father described the ex the same way you did, "a bully." My father has had a lot of anger and forgiveness issues with my divorce, wishing terrible things would happen to my ex, which is so out of character for my sweet Christian dad. I guess he just got a bit angry with me because he saw a way to put a stop to the ex's garbage and I wouldn't take it.

I'm happy to say that this afternoon my ex left a check for me in the mailbox. It covers his half of the repairs on the house, so obviously just the threat of a lawsuit is still having its effect. We'll see about those insurance policies.

Thanks for being a listening ear, twin, and the voice of an unbiased observer!

Rose Red

dads.. they love us! my father is a christian too but was not always one. he has said MANY times that my ex is LUCKY that my father is now a christian. when he gets angry he just says over and over again "revenge is mine sayeth the lord" my father is a big man and would love nothing more than to "show" my ex exactly what he feels about him! and if he wasn't a christian man, my ex would probably be lucky to be alive right now.

i agree with what twin said as well.

mlhb

You don't need a lawyer for everything, and you could write up your own motion to get the insurance in place.

Just an idea. If you haven't already cashed the check, make a photocopy of it, and document to him in a letter than you received 1/2 of his payment by check number XXX on October X, 22007. The remaining balance is $XXX. This way, you've acknowledged his payment, and that it was not payment in full.
Also, the court documents typically list a date by which CS should be paid. If he does not pay by that date, document again. "Per the agreement, CS is due on the first of the month. Please send payment in a timely manner or I will be forced to have the courts garnish your paycheck."

Rose,

Would you consider the advice you're getting is about you enforcing your boundaries, not taking revenge?

The court decided...and you're acting to uphold their decisions. It's not about vengeance or making him...he can still choose to not comply...the issue doesn't change, and there will be many issues. See where defining and understanding boundaries around yourself, predetermining progressive enforcements isn't manipulation...it's you being true to your own code.

That would help you decide what to do when...because it's your code. If you choose to still see it as not doing something that will make him do or not do...that's manipulation, isn't it? Controlling the outcome is the signal...no one can control outcomes...we just get to choose our results.

Make sure yours is confidence you did what was respectful and let the outcome go, 'k?

Just wanted to jut my big nose in so this lesson doesn't get lost in this one resolution.

LA