Hi all,
I've begun reading lots of good stuff in here and I'm sorry for asking what I may eventually be able to glean for myself but I've just had my long-standing suspicions confirmed today and I'm feeling the clock beat (loudly in my chest) for exposure.

Many details exist in this thread for those curious enough to read the long version:
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131570/

In short, I realize that I've neglected my wife's emotional needs for a long time, although I have always truly loved her, I treated her poorly emotionally at times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> A couple of days before our 8th wedding anniversary my wife confided that she had "checked out" of the relationship and even uttered the cliche, "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

A week of emotional rollercoaster ensued and at the end of the week I developed a plan A on my own without realizing this process existed formally somewhere. Over the course of the next few weeks she began talking about divorce, only bringing it up occasionally and saying, "I almost called the divorce attorney again today"

I asked several times if there was someone else, emotionally or physically and she looked me in the eye and said "no." She is not a good liar and I gave her the benefit of the doubt, although doubt did enter my mind from time to time.

Lately the behavior that I thought was suspiscious ramped up a notch and I began to snoop her laptop and ordered a keylogger program. I did discover that she was using Skype at all hours of the day and night and I began to look more regularly and deeply.

Today I found a chat dialog with the damning evidence I began to know I would find. I've read lots of books but have not read everything about this approach to saving your marriage and my question is this, do I expose now, or wait until I can get the software in place that it seems I will need going forward? The program won't arrive until wednesday, and I may not get an opportunity to install it for another week but my heart is racing and I'm havinga difficult time keeping from blurting out what I know already. Doing so may seriously hamper my ability to monitor going forward.

Please help - many thanks in advance!
-JC

Welcome to MB, JustCoz, but I'm sorry for the situation that brings you here.

I skimmed your post on the other site and understand how frustrating your scenario must be.

It would be a good idea to repost your story on the GQII forum as there is more traffic there. Most likely other BS posters will reply, especially those with more experience than me.

If it were me, I am such a worrier, too, that I would have concrete indisputable evidence before I exposed, especially since she's so adamant in her denials. If you have hard copy proof of the chat dialog, that may be all you need.

I would prepare to expose to all with one fell swoop so she/he cannot discredit you by pre-empting your disclosure and painting you as a raving lunatic.

Finish HNHN and read SAA (Surviving an Affair) as well as Torn Asunder by Tom Carder. Both have excellent insights into the 'nature of the affair' and will reveal what you're up against.

Best wishes to you JustCoz and welcome again. It's always slow on the weekends so be patient and others will offer advice on the GQII forum.

Ace

Thanks tremendously, Ace- already ordered SAA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I, too, am a self admited worrier. Somehow I managed to get through this night and think I have a plan to expose THAT I know, without exposing HOW I know. Of course, nothing makes it easier to look at her without tipping my hand - I've always been a wear your heart on your sleeve kind of person and tonight I couldn't help but look at her with what must have been a "who the ****** are you?" expression. So much to process and tomorrow is back to work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

To go to bed, perchance to sleep...

Is it a long distance affair? If so, I would just cancel the internet connection or get software to block her from communicating w/ OM.

You need to get solid proof. The WS tends to be able to explain away almost anything. So if you only have a few phrases that are inappropriate, bide your time.

When you have good proof, you can expose to everyone, starting with her parents.

It might help to think of her as a drug addict needing her drug. Then it is easier not to take it personally. Don't let yourself explode at her. This is a war, not just one battle.

Thanks jmwc and believer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
It is a long distance affair. I don't see how they could have hooked up physically with the circumstances. Cutting off internet would give her a reason to say I'm being unreasonable since she runs a freelance graphic design operation that is primarily run through the net.

I am trying to resign myself to hide what I know and wait until I can put more irrefutable evidence together. She is using Skype and sits in the spare room, listening to his calls on earphones while typing responses so my only chat transcripts are one sided (her side). It will be best to get more proof as I know she will attempt to explain away anything I present her with.

Fortunately have a very good relationship with her family. They've been in shock over the past month as well, not able to understand why she wasn't willing to work on our marriage, especially since we have a four-year-old daughter. Since her father went through this (came to light himself) and other memebers of their family have been "burned" by online affairs I'm hoping this will work in my favor.

It is just like a drug addict - I always thought she was addicted to the internet, addicted to turning off her emotional issues by surfing around but now see it's an addiction to a fantasy and a person. She hates conflict so I'm sure that's why she's not told me, despite my giving her every opportunity. Sadly, the path she's chosen leads to a lot more conflict than working on the marriage.

Thanks again to everyone - appreciate any and all thoughts!!

Go talk to a computer Geek and get the software you need to block out Skype and spy on her. Completely cut off all access to the guy. Your WW is an ADDICT, and if she has access, she will contact OM. As long as she contacts OM, she will not want to work on the marriage. Only after about several months of NC will you see things start to improve.

Thanks jmwc,
I am not overly skilled but I do know enough to find what I need to. Cutting off Skype is not easy apparently and I don't want to risk tipping my hand until there is evidence she won't refute. The problem is that I have to wait on the evidence and in the meantime I am DYING to air out the beast that is clawing to get out and be exposed.

The twist (perhaps) in my story is that a week after she announced no more feelings for me she began to bring up divorce. She now feels she is living here waiting for her time to get out and on her own. I can cut off her internet connection or force her to use the land connection in the office but that would be a HUGE LB right now and would likely drive her out in desperation. We live now as very good friends, but only sharing close hugs occasionally (got one tonight)

I'm having a hard time not acting moody, pensive, distant, reflective, sad and WS has always been an extremely empathetic creature and picks up on my energy, albeit it is obvious to anyone present. This is obviously conflicting in me as I can't help but DIE at the thought she can act with such empathy now and still do this to me.

Perhaps MB will not be effective for me since she's already left in her mind and has said many times she does not want to work on the relationship. I take some strength from the thought that perhaps exposing the A will break the fantasy she's enveloped in.

Many thanks again,
-JC

JC - They ALL say they are done with the marriage. I haven't seen one here yet that doesn't. Please keep reading here, and you will see your same situation over and over. We can almost predict what will happen next, and almost to the exact phrases they will say.

Keep quiet until you get the goods. Have you read all the Harley stuff here?

Thanks Believer, that is a small comfort at this time, I suppose. I have read this a few times before but it seems like many others have WSs that are committed to stay, if even for themselves. Of course, I feel like I'm alone in my circumstances although I know that's probably not the case.

I've read the articles and philosophies and other things I could read of Harley's - is there a particularly good resource anyone can recommend while I finish HN/HN and wait for SAA?

Many thanks again - somehow made it through another night but it's one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. The support from this place definitely helps <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
-JC

You could have pictures of them, and they will tell you it was photoshopped. They all say they are done with the marriage and want divorce. That is how they justify cheating on you. The longer this goes on the more difficult it will be to end. You need to combat this swiftly and thoroughly. Pay a computer expert to take care of it. It is cheaper than divorce.

Thanks again jmwc,
I guess the title of this thread is no longer relevant as I know I need to wait. It's just a matter of being strong enough to pretend that I don't know long enough to gather the proof and make sure I know enough of what is going on that I'll be able to monitor effectively going forward.

Question for anyone inclined to answer - does MY acting moody, pensive and depressed have any effect on her now that she's in the fog? I fear that her own guilt and desire to avoid conflict will cause my mood swings to act as a LB so I try (best as I can, anyway) to be cheerful and focus on how much I really do enjoy her company but it sounds from reading here that almost nothing I do until she is through recovery of her addiction will help - will it hinder in any way?

Many thanks to all who have offered their support and advice.

Keeping the faith,
-JC

The longer you wait to interfere with her affair, the deeper she will be involved, and the more difficult recovery will be. You need to take swift action.

Well that just made my heart skip a beat.

The problem is that I have no idea how long it's been going on - as far as I can tell it is only an emotional affair overseas but she has been emotionally detatched from me for many months, perhaps years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She does appear to be drawing herself into a cocoon as she retreats into the spare room each night, guiltily apologizing for disappearing. She seems to be forcing herself to spend more time with me, in the past week which may or may not be a good sign.

I WAS feeling pretty good about tonight - I managed to act kindly and caring to her and not just see the betrayal although she continues to be distant. It's so difficult to implement plan A before exposure but I need to gather more evidence so I'm trying to be patient. I still cycle between hope, fear, love, panic, and numbness.

Thanks,
-jc

Tell her that you don't like her disappearing on you every night. Make her make a conscious decision to choose to hang out with you or continue w/ the OM.

Thanks Jim. Even on less than three hours sleep I can tell that is sound advice. Still reading your story but the early stages sound familar in ways. WW claims that she doesn't want anyONE else that she just wants to be "free." Suppose I should not take what she says at face value at this point.

Again, appreciate the responses and support, Jim
-jc

Oddly liberating.
Hours before I expected her to retreat last night I casually mentioned that I don't like it when she disappears on me. She said, "I know - I don't mean to." I responded that she didn't mean to disappear? and she said, "I know it hurts you and I don't mean to" Later she looked conflicted when she wanted to retreat and she asked what I was going to do. I told her that depended on what she was going to do - are you going to disappear now? She flopped down and said she didn't know what she wanted to do. I suggested we could talk.

So we had a pleasant conversation for an hour or so and she got up and started walking down the hall, saying "I'm going to retreat now, ok?" and I casually replied, "no." She looked confused and walked back to me, saying "no?" and I said without pressure, "You asked and I had to answer honestly. I don't want you to go but the choice is yours" so she sat down and we had another nice talk for an hour.

She eventually did retreat, but a half hour later came down to find me and said she wanted to show me something she was working on. I followed her up to "her" room and sat with her on the bed, talking for another hour until it was late and we both went to bed.

Funny that in our rambling conversation she would mention a high school English teacher that she liked who taught Hamlet. Interesting that her memory would choose to weave one of literature's most classic examples of a conflicted character into the conversation.

I exposed to MIL today. She called and told me that she was not able to figure out why her daughter had given up hope and wouldn't work on things. Fortunately we have a good enough relationship that I was able to relate what was going on, and although she was in shock she said the pieces were fitting together. She asked what she could do and I told her to lay low until I could gather enough evidence that WW would not refute it, then it's up to her how she wants to handle it.

Slept well last night and actually had enough appetite to eat lunch today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-JC

Okay, you are doing very well. Most women have conversation fairly high on their list. Good job. Keep it up. Don't expect ANYTHING from her right now. That will come later.

THANK YOU, believer,
I just confronted her and she exhibited many of the behaviors I read about and was prepared for - that I had invaded her privacy that this had nothing to do with our problems and that she had fallen out of love with me before any of this happened. That last one is the only one I really believe.

I took her laptop and she became furious. I remained calm the entire time and tried to tell her that I understood why and how she had come to feel this way but she kept saying that I was taking her entire life away, not just OM.

She believes (knows?) that I hired a PI to follow her and she must have asked a hundred times if she was being followed but I refused to answer. I only told her that it wasn't important how or what I knew. She wanted to leave but didn't want to until she knew if she could be alone without someone watching her.

She finally left, saying that what she had probably wouldn't last long now that "the light had been turned on in the crack den" (her words) but she quickly followed up with that she didnt feel like a crack addict. She's angry, hurt and confused although she would disagree with the last part right now.

I've told MIL, her sister and her best friend, saying to all that my interests are in her and that I am concerned for her because she is in such a bad state right now. All true.

She refused to tell me his name "to protect him" but she did say he wasn't married. I made the mistake of telling her I wanted to contact OM. I later asked, "what if I told you I wouldn't?" She refuses and refused to agree to NC. She kept saying I don't care about her but obviously I do. She left with no bag and I don't know what she will do (she says she doesn't know either).

Any ideas on what to expect?

thank god for finding MB or I don't know how I would cope. Thanks to all for their support and encouragement.
-JC

Just tell her that you won't be disrespected by continued contact w/ OM, and continually interfere with her contacting him while she is in your house. Cut off the internet if you have to, but see about getting some software first to help you block all avenues. Don't get in her face about it, but don't back down, and confront her (in a calm, stern way) everytime you catch her breaking NC. Most internet affairs can just have the life slowly squeezed out of them if you impose your will. Be nice to her, meet her needs, and don't love bust, but don't back down.