I am going to get a D. The thing is, I am wanting to 'date', maybe even soon.

But I want to ensure that I do EVERYTHING to protect my DD's.

I would not introduce them to someone until we were serious. On the same vein, HOW would I know I could TRUST them?

You read all of the time, poor girls that were molested by their step fathers, or other family members. HOW to you do EVERYTHING to prevent it from happening?

It is scary for me to even THINK about dating, when ALL I can think about is my girls, and how I would not want them to be harmed at all.

Any words of advice would be appreciated!

It is very sad and devastating to everyone involved when sexual abuse happens. First, I say give yourself time to get over your divorce before you start to date. I am in your situation in that my D is not yet complete. I started seeing a new man, but know in my heart that I am not ready. You will know when you are. Just give yourself time.

As for trusting the new man... There is now way that you will know for sure what he will do when you are not around/asleep. I say prepare your girls for the worst. Educate them and help them to know what is an appropriate touch and what is not. Also, build a level of trust between yourself and your DD's. Let them know that YOU are the one that they can and should say ANYTHING to. Be their confidant in every sence of the word. Yes, be their mother, but at this point, you need to bond in such a way as to let them know that you are also their BEST friend (which doesn't always mean their "buddy".)

Don't think about dating yet. Think about your girls.

Just my two cents.

I dated when my kids were young, but never introduced the man to my kids. Actually, I never had them to my home either. After dating one for over a year, I introduced him to my kids. By that time we were serious.

Sadmo, don't let your WH push you into dating on his timetable, to assuage his guilt. YOU set your agenda, based on the life you want to create.

To be honest, Sadmo, I think your H may surprise the heck out of you and grow up one day, once everyone is done enabling him, and you might like who he grows into. Or it may get worse, so that may not be worth waiting for. What do you think?

I love the dating timetable advice noodle gave LostBoy on the InRecovery thread. Have you seen it, or should I link it?

Sadmo, I would either not date or date very little until they are grown up and keep any paramours AWAY from them altogether. That is how little girls end up molested. They have been through enough he11 and need their mommy all to themselves. IT would be hard on them to have to compete with someone else for your attention. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

sadmo, try a book called "Choosing God's Best." by Dr. Don Raunikar. Dating in the more modern sense should be done with extreme caution so that you do not have men coming in and out of the kids lives. Consider the more traditional ideals of courtship outlined in the book. While it is tough to meet all the conditions for courting that he outlines (my mom is the last person I would ever seek advice from) there are many good points.

While the incidence of children being molested by a step parent is a lot higher than a bio dad..it is still pretty darn low. I am more concerned with scout leaders and coaches...but use your own judgment.

I have not introduced my son to potential partners...and won't until I KNOW it is the person I will marry. That way your time with them...is devoted to them. Also, when you do date or court...limit your selection of suitors to men with children. You can get a good feel for them by how involved they are in their children's lives.

lamby-
Thanks for the advice. That is a good thought. I try to get them to tell me everything, but their Dad seems to think that they should keep some 'secrets' from me (like when he takes them around other women. I need to talk to him about that.

I have been thinking about my girls, and not dating, for a long time now. I just am feeling like I am getting ready to 'get back out there'. And I think that it would be nice. I just want to be safe.

Believer- That is sound advice.

Ears- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
I do not feel 'pushed' into dating... I have not been with ANYONE since we separated. Which was well over a year ago... I am kind of missing having someone (An ADULT!) to go out with... not female! I would like the link, if you would be so kind!

ML- That is kind of how I feel.... I want to make sure that they HAVE their mommy when they are with me, but when they are NOT with me, I would like to feel NOT like a mommmy! LOL! I am not wanting to rush into anything with anyone... I am just kind of warming to the idea.....

MEDC-
I will look for that book. Thanks for the advice. I would NEVER bring my kids around some strange (to them) man... I do not want to do that to them!

Thanks everyone!

I think it's fine to date, when you are absolutely ready (with substantial time to get passed the divorce and grief), not a minute before, and NOT because you are LONELY. I would never tell you NOT to date until your girls are out of the house. I would just caution to not have your dates around your kids at all.

As long as the children are FIRST priority, and have all the mommy time they need, I think it's okay to spend your time 'off' (during daddy visitation) going out.

Noodle's posts with Loboy start halfway down this page:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...art=14&vc=1 and then go on to the next page.

I'm glad that you're doing this on your timefram, not WH's.

SL-
That is how I feel too... I do not want to deprive them of ME... I hate when people do that to their kids... they get so caught up in dating that they either put their kids around the OP too, or they dump their kids off somewhere. I am NOT like that!!!!

Thanks Ears- I am going to read that...
No, it would be on my timeframe. I have not dated since we separated, in my wiring in my head it seems so WRONG... because what IF the M did work out? Then I might hurt someone else. Plus, it seemed morally wrong to me... SILLY MORALS! LOL!

Mo, what if your H, two years from now, finally "got it," and made amends to you, and grew back into the man that you had originally thought he was? I don't know, does Plan B sometimes work this long afterwards? What if it does? In that case, would you be happier if you were not dating someone, so that you could try reconciling with your kids' dad?

Ears-
You know, I am just talking to a man now that seems rather nice, nothing has come of it yet. He asked me if I would like to go out sometime... I told him maybe soon.

I feel that I have given EXH more than enough time to come to his senses. And I am realizing that he may just NOT have the senses that I want him to come into! He is all about fun, the almighty responsibility-less fun. I do not respect him for that. He did not care how he hurt me for the last couple of years... sure he would come crying to me every now and again. But he never, EVER, said that he would do what it took to make our M happy and whole again.

I kind of see him in a whole new light, and I do not like WHAT I see: A man that I could NOT depend on, a man that would not value a M enough to even TRY to save it, a man that thought it was OK to 'date' while married, a man that was encouraging ME to date- I think to assuage his guilt. A man that thought nothing of moving quite a distance away from his kids, and now complains when he has to 'babysit'.

All I can think is he WAS this man, and I did not want to believe it. I was looking into him, at the past good, and judging him by that.

I need to judge people on their ACTIONS, not WHO I want them to be....

Do you know what I mean? Sure, it would be nice if we reconciled, but, that is not a possibility for me. I would never trust him. I would never feel at ease with him. So, for me, it is best to cut the ties, and go my own way.

I am going to be the best mom that I can be, and make my girls my #1 priority. I am going to try to raise them so that they will be caring, compassionate people. That is all that I can do now. And I will try my best!