My wife moved out last weekend, and is still having an affair with another man. I recently revealled the affair to her friends and family, but I am a little unsure how to follow plan A if she is already out of the house? We have gone to dinner and coffee a couple of times and it is a nice time, as long as we don't talk about any of the relationship problems. After she found out I revealled the affair to her friends and family she told me that she was going to cut all contact with me for at least a week while she was on vacation with her parents and grandparents. I feel like with her out of the house, and with no reason to stop the affair, I really have no way to start/continue with plan A. When I talked to my therapist, she said that I should stop being so nice to my wife (I helped her move in, and I set up her furniture, bought her a house warming gift) because now she is getting all the perks of being married without actually being married. So how do I convince her that I have changed and am willing to make her happy if she won't be around?

Thanks,
Ryan.

Helping her move out was merely enabling her.

She should have had to leave with just a suitcase.

Now that she is gone...change the locks. She's had her chance to take everything she wants...don't give her a thing more.

Do you still have any joint bank accounts or joint credit cards???

If so...clean them out and cancel them.

I presume there are no kids. If so...giving her an ultimatum (move out or recommit to the marriage) was a good and brave thing to do. Her moving out NOW saved you months of misery and waffling.

Now, your states 6 month waiting period helps you out. Without kids to muddle things up...you likely should continue a short Plan A...while planning Plan B out.

I see OM is an FBI agent. Maybe someone here can help find his and his wife for exposure.

How do you know WW is going out of town with her family. The one week of "not talking to you" gives me strong suspicion that OM is going to be whereever she is. Even if she is with family...it's fairly easy to break away from them. She'll no doubt stage an argument with them and "decide" to spend the night at a hotel...seemingly because she can't handle the "judgement" at home.

Gotta run.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

There is nothing you can do that would be as impactful as exposing to the OM's wife and side of the family. Have you done that?

I have exposed to the OM wife, but she said they are over. She has known about his adultery for some time and they are getting a divorce. I am now torn with with the idea of letting the FBI know. My wife and I both work for the government and we both have clearances like the FBI. I know that an affair, would bring into question your clearance and your morals. Does it do many any good to bring this up to his job? He might get fired and have a reason to move down to DC to be closer to my wife. If I don't tell, he might just stay in NY???? What do I do?

Thanks,
Ryan.

Scott, I would expose him to the FBI. Let him pay some consequences for his actions. If he doesn't have a job, he will be less attractive to your wife and will think twice about having workplace affairs.

Should I be worried that if he does lose his job he will move to DC to be with my wife? I guess I am just scared to push them closer together. I really haven't done a very good job of "PLAN A" I tried to push her to make a decision, and chose between the 2 of us. That was a huge mistake. I should have just let them carry on while I did my very best at "PLAN A" now she has moved out, continues to talk and email him, and his wife is absolutely no help. I know that my wife sees a relationship with him as a way to get the romance back that we had lost, but I think he has much baggage to carry with him. I really want my marriage to work, but my wife is so infatuated with this other man that she won't even give me a chance. If I do bring the affair up with the FBI and he loses his job, my biggest concern would be that my wife would allow him to move down here and support him?

Ryan.

There is always the chance that it would push them closer together, but as long as the affair continues, your marriage is over. Expose him. The MB experience is that exposure usually ends the affair.

Scot...expose, expose, expose. As believer said, it might push them closer, but you'd be surprised how often exposure doesn't do that. What it does do is create pressure on the adultery because the fantasy of adultery is something that flurishes in the shadows. When the seamy underside of the rock is exposed to the sunlight, it's not nearly as wonderful.

Second, quit enabling her adultery. Your counselor has a very, very good point. Why in the name of God did you become a doormat and help her move out? It's too late to turn that around, but don't support her adultery financially or in any other manner. If you're paying for anything that contributes to her adultery, stop it!

Third, Plan A is as much about you doing things to and for yourself as it is anything about your WW. What are you doing to improve yourself? Have you started that jogging routine you've always been meaning to do? You're working out in the gym? Read those classic novels you've wanted to since high school? Get the picture? Yes, be courteous to your WW, but don't be a doormat. Take a look at Pepperband's "The Carrot And Stick Of Plan A" thread for some "do's" and "don't" recommendations,

Finally, how long will you do Plan A? Are you thinking about how you'll do your Plan B?

Longhorn,

I am still a little confused about how to do PLAN A, let alone move onto PLAN B. With my wife out of the house, how do I show her that I am going to be what she needs. I have tried, by going out to dinner with her, coming over to talk, helping her get ready for her vacation with her parents, etc. I almost feel that what I am doing now is all enabling her relationship with the other man. I guess I will just do my best, on Saturday I really pushed her to make a decision between the two of us and she said she would chose him and divorce me. After things cooled down she said that she wouldn't make a decision until after she got back next Sunday. I am going to continue to talk to her and try to be there, but I just can't seem to break the affair. I have tried letting her friends, and family know. The other man's wife is no help she said that they were over a long time ago, and she doesn't want him back. I began contacting his job today to let them know of the affair. I am concerned that it will do very little, but make things worse? I am trying to have hope, but it is very hard right now.

Ryan.

P.S. I am doing several things to better myself, I am doing IC, I have been going to the gym (lost almost 40lbs), I am taking some college classes, etc. It is very hard to think about me, when I spend so much time thinking about "US"

Scott-- it can't get any worse than it already has. The government needs to know what one of their employees is doing, especially if he has a sensitive position. Also, there is a chance that exposure at his work place will actually make him rethink his relationship with your WW. No one wants their little romantic affair to become messy and screw up their own career-- and it seems financial concerns shake up some men.
However, expect your wife to call and berate you for it-- they all get mad about it. Then they slowly go back to their cake eating ways.

I'm with Longhorn-- how long have you been plan a'ing? Most WS's hate it when Plan B begins and they freak out when their spouse cuts them off. They are used to being in control (like your WW has been) and they do not like it when you mess with their game plan.

Since she's moved out already (oy, did you really have to help her move? ick!), and you;ve been (awfully) sweet to her since, I'd really consider a plan b very soon.

Scott...call the local branch of the FBI and find someone to direct you. This will be your best chance to break up the affair...he will catch a ration of [censored] for this....EXPOSE now.

What about withdrawl from your Wayward Spouse during plan B? I really enjoy talking to her and her company, and I think that if I cut it off right now, it would hurt me more than her. I am going to see if I can get the dog back for a week or two, maybe that would make her evenings feel more lonely, and she would be more interested in some companionship? I really was a huge push over, and I should have listened to the advice of those on the board. I tried to be as nice as I could, since I thought she would take notice, but I think she just glossed over it and was happy to be "alone" with the other man.

Ryan.

Ryan.

women do not respect pushovers...

get aggressive...get tough...get moving.

Forget about your missing her during a Plan B. Suck it up....fight, fight, fight.

There is only so much trying to meet her ENs can do. Part of plan A is exposing her to the consequences of her affair. Quit asking about plan A until you expose your WW and OM to their employers. Do it today.

Slight TJ--

My guess is the FBI will become aware of this thread quickly as they monitor the Internet for any talk about them. I'm the web designer for our (very small) church and we had a section relating to a guest speaker who was with the FBI. We were contacted to immediately remove any reference to the FBI from our website.

TJ over.

Scott, you need to read up on Plan A here on the website, but you really need to order Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. If you haven't done it already, do it now.

As for how you can work a Plan A with her out of the house...you do what you can, when you can. I'd like to hear what you are doing in your Plan A when you're around your WW. If you're being needy, pardner, you've got some changing to do. Again, take a look at Pepperband's thread on what you should be doing and not doing in Plan A.

Hang in there, man. Tough work ahead...and no guarantee it'll succeed...but you WILL get through this and come out whole and sane on the other side.

LH

Scott,

Put yourself in the shoes of this OM. If he is given an ultimatum between your WW, his MOW or the Bureau (a job he has probably worked long and hard to obtain).

Which do you think is going to be curbed? Unless your WW is loaded... "bad joke"

My guess is he will quickly do whatever is required to keep his career on track.

She will be PISSED you are interefering with her fantasy, but eventually she will see just how "important" she is to OM.

I'm sure you are aware of how damaging a threat to ones security clearance is in this industry.

He'll be thinking "Bureau or Mall security"? "No offense to security guards"

Ryan, you CANNOT meet her EN's when she is in an active affair. "Plan A" changes are changes that make you more "desirable" to any woman, and standing for what is RIGHT is very desirable.

What you are doing now is wallowing in FEAR. So let's get potenially "brutally blunt" here for a minute.

You wife is already WITH the OM. You have nothing to lose because it's already been lost. So "fearing" that your actions might "drive her to the OM" are "false fears." She has already chosen that and it matters not one wit where the OM lives, or might live.

IF, and only IF, YOU want a chance at recovering your marriage you must do two things.

1. Expose this affair to the FBI superiors. It is potentially illegal and definitely not "higher moral behavior" to willingly destroy someone else's marriage for selfish gain. Since his wife KNOWS he's an adulterer, you can bet your wife is not the first one he's had "on the side."

2. Hire a PI and get photographs and transcipts if possible. Be prepared to use them in court.


In addition, once you have documentation to support the affair and his active participation in it, contact an attorney and file an "Alienation of Affection" lawsuit. Even if there is no "teeth" in such a suit in the State you live in, the FBI is not likely to like a lawsuit against one of it's agents, nor the potential negative publicity.

Ryan, at this stage, you are at WAR. Now is NOT the time for negotiations or being "nice-nice." The gloves are of of the OM and your wife. Do you really want to fight with one hand tied behind your back?

Also notify your office of the A and exposure. That way IF the OM or WS attempts retaliation by trying to discredit you, you will have already beat them to the punch.

How you notify is important. Keep your motives pure.

Adultery is a form of disloyalty. Should make an employer think twice before letter an employee carry on in such a job function while in that alien state of mind.

L.

Called the Branch Office today, they didn't seem to think that it was a big deal. I think I have revealed to almost everyone, friends, family, work, and the other man's wife (She didn't care, she said they were over). So now it is just up to my wife to decied if she wants to continue the affair, or try with the marriage. I am going to keep trying to be the best I can be, but it is hard, when you get nothing in return. I would love for her just to call and talk, but I have been doing all the reacing out. I suppose that is normal. Wish me luck, and if you pray, please do so. I love my wife very much and I would give anything to have a chance to have her back.

Ryan.