then continue asking for supervisors until you find someone that does think it is a big deal.

Can you expose to his family, parents, pastor, neighbors?

Expose to everyone you can.

Ryan, it is better to expose at work in an official capacity by sending a registered letter to Personnel, ccing his supervisor and several other key management ppl, explaining the affair. That way it can't be brushed off by someone who doesn't know or care.

YGTBSM!!!!!????????

MEDC's absolutely right. Ask for the supervisor's supervisor - get names, and continue to ask up the chain of command. It IS a big deal! The FBI's no different from the military, in many ways, and I have personal knowledge of two recent incidents in which affairs have bit the offenders in the a$$.

One senior officer is now fighting for his retirement, and in a separate case, a junior officer was tranferred with a "bottom dweller" fitness report.

You must, however, have irrefutable "proof", and I'd go in person, not on the phone. It's too easy to brush these things off if phoned in...

Hang in there...all of us BS's have the same fears, hesitation, etc., as you are now having...believe me/us, the advice you're getting here DOES work!

Yeah, if it's in writing, it's hard to ignore. It'll probably go through channels-- mail room (stamp), secretary (stamp), HR (stamp)... and they'll have to "file" it somewhere.

Ryan,

The register mail is the way to go. Not only send it to the branch office, but the the state and HQ. Branch and state will (should) get pressure from above to take action.

Make sure you list the recipients on the cover or letter.

I recieved a call from the OM last night, he said he is done, and that my wife is not worth it. This was after I revealed to his job. He is an FBI Special Agenct. Well my wife is absolutly furious with me, she says that everything I did was shady, and sneaky. I followed the rules and revealed the affair to friends, family, work etc. I went by her apartment today, and she was so angry, that she vowed that I wouldn't be the one that she came to. She also mention that she wants me to leave her alone, and not see her, she even threatened a restraining order. I haven't done anything wrong in my mind, but I need to defuse this situation. I can't do anything right now, bacuase she is so angry, I made her lose this guy. What do I do? Just stay out of her way and see if she ever comes back to me????

Thanks,
Ryan.

expected her to be mad, but I have never seen her this angry, in the 10 years we have been together. She wouldn't let me into her apartment, and she wouldn't even let me pet our dog.... She has looked at the books, by Dr. Harley, so she threw it back in my face, that I should have known she would be angry and that she wouldn't want anything to do with me. She told me that she would call me, and that I can't call her, text her, stop by, etc. It is so strange considering 4 weeks ago it seemed like things were going better, while she was having an affair. She also keeps bringing up that she can't forgive me for telling her friends about the affair... I wish there was another way to get this strange person out of my wife's body, because it is so hard for me to see her upset and angry at me.

Ryan.

Hmm. well the wife called me today at work to see if she could schedule some time to come over to my place to get some files. So she said she would be over around 6:30pm, she didn't show until 7:30 and then she told me she had to be somewhere by 8:00pm. She went through the files and grabbed everything that belonged to her. I had made dinner, some of her favorites and she turned them down. I just made her a to go plate and told her she might like it later. I also had her favorite ice cream and fresh strawberries that I put in a bag and sent her home with. She was coordial, but she told me it was very hard to be nice right now because, of how mad she was. It seems like she is more mad about the fact I told her friends and family about the affair, then she is about the other guy breaking it off. I don't know if the affair is really over, and I really don't have anyway to find out now that she has moved out. I will just continue PLAN A when she contacts me. I will do my best to not call her, does that seem right?

Ryan.

No doubt. The Exposure Bomb has shattered her A-bubble all around her, and she's back in the real world. No wonder she's pissed!

Give her the time that she needs, don't retaliate if she takes out her anger on you, and Plan A until she gets over the withdrawal - those should be your next steps.

Sorry for all the posts, I cut and pasted them out of my other threads so that I could get everything in one place. I will just be checking this thread from now on.

Thanks again everyone for all your input,
Ryan.

Ryan - Congratulations!

Now there is the REAL OM. Your wife is NOT "worth it" to him. Think about your own situation for a minute. Your wife is "worth it" to you, despite the horrendous pain of her adultery and deliberate trashing of the marriage covenant with you.

THERE is a "distinction" that will impact your wife when she begins to "think about things."

Your wife's reactions (anger, etc.) are Normal and expected. Nothing you do right now will "register" with her, but keep doing them anyway because they will register when she gets past the intense phase of withdrawal.

What has happened is a "crisis has been precipitated." That is the first step that was needed. Picking up and rebuilding CANNOT happen until the crisis has happened and the debris is laying around. Once the "shock" has worn off, evaluation will begin.

Until then, expect nothing but hostility from her because right now everything is still "all about her."

This phase will typically last around 4-6 weeks, so strap in and put on the armor of patience and endurance.

God bless.

The chances are excellent that the OM will end up going back to his wife. The affair was just a little Bagdad fling.

I urge you to continue exposing him at work. He wants you to lay off, and your best bet is to continue making his life uncomfortable.

How long have the two of you been married, and how was the marriage BEFORE all of this?

Believer,

I am not sure the OM's wife will have him back. I wrote her a letter and she said that it was over between them and what he did was his own business. Part of me is worried that he is just telling me what I want to hear so that I will stop. I have no idea how to findout if the affair is over or not since my wife has moved out??

We have been married 6 years. We have been together for 10. Our marriage was good, but not great, we had both gotten somewhat complacent in meeting each other's needs. My wife was doing the majority of the work, and I was in a depression. We are both professionals so we don't need each other for financial support, but I would love to prove to her again that I can be there for emotional support. She really is a wonderful person, and I neglected her. I am scared that I won't get another chance to prove to her that I can be who she married. I also have a hard time with patience. I always want everything to move quickly. Even now I don't know how much time I should give her.... a couple days, a week? The longer time goes by the more I feel like she can just forget about me and move on. Pretty strange considering before I was very secure and had never even had thoughts of being left by my wife.

Ryan.

Scott,

I'd say the more mad she is the more likely the story that OM dumped her is true. Typically, when exposure fails they get mad but when the dust settles they do all they can to demonstrate to you that it didn't rock the affair at all and they are stronger than ever. They don't keep on with the anger angle.

To prepare you for the next phase I anticipate...

When OM's dump their "girlfriends" because they are too much trouble...typically, the WW will end up threatening or filing for divorce in an effort to regain the OM. They want to demonstrate how serious they are about ending their marriage and being with OM once again. The addiction is strong and this will prompt them to extreme behaviors.

Might be one reason she had to stop by to pick up some files. Typically, when you hire an attorney they give you a complete list of information they need. I hope you've made copies of things before she cleans it all out. You'll need your tax returns and financial statements in particular.

I hope she doesn't file. Mine threatened but didn't follow through after OM broke up with her.

Just be ready for it. It's not the end of the world. Petitions can be withdrawn. It usually doesn't work to get OM back. It makes the WW look needy and desperate and the OM's still think it's too big a hassle. Plus...they are sure to notice just how much WW is sacrificing for them which deep down they know that that sacrifice has a price on it.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Ryan,

Quit worrying so much. Her reaction was WONDERFUL. There is a famous saying which goes
If she had NOT reacted as she did, THEN we would be worried about this. She is NOT in withdrawal, she is engaged in this and angry. That is great.

This is like lancing a boil, it hurts but it is healthy.

As for OM, keep your eyes open, and definitely make sure his superiors KNOW, a man like that should NOT be in a position of authority. Further, if his W is divorcing him and you are contacting his bosses about his behavior he has a good chance to lose his security clearnances. And that will end his job. He should NOT have it anyway.

Do the country a favor and follow up on this. As for your W, plan A when you can but let the dust settle. She will come around and you will get a chance perhaps a reluctant one, but one nevertheless.

God Bless,

JL

I really hope that she isn't going to file divorce, but after seeing how mad she was I am a concerned. I know that she is hurting right now, and I will do my very best to be the person I know I can be. Thanks for everyones input.

Ryan.

Good point. In my case, my FWW didn't threaten divorce, but she did disclose to me afterwards that she was hoping on D-Day that I would have called it quits, so she would be free for the OM. Also, just before D-Day, when her A was drawing to an end, she invited the OM over to "discuss" her choice to tell me how bad our M was (she hardly ever talked to him about our M before). When she tried to make a move on him after the "discussion", the OM left in a hurry.

An addicted WW will grasp at any straw to keep the A going, and they see disposing of the M as a pretty big straw...

So, I have told you that my wife is very mad that I revealed the affair to her friends and family. Is it worth apologizing to her for telling her friends? I know it had to be done, but I never really felt right doing it. Now she just keeps telling me that she is very mad at me for what I did. She had moved out before the other man told her it was over, so I really don't get to see her much. I am trying to follow everyone's advice, and not call her, but how long should I give her?

Thanks,
Ryan.

I'm not real experienced here, but I know you should NOT apologize. What you did was the RIGHT thing. Don't buckle now. By apologizing you are saying you did something wrong.

I have seen it here many times...exposure does not end marriages, lies do.

No WS right after exposure thanks their BS for exposing. They get mad. The ugliness of their A is now out for all to see. That's where it SHOULD be.

Be strong and don't second guess.