I know that all of you are right; it is just so hard for me to understand how someone I have loved and loved me back for so long can just tell me, not to talk to her. I am trying to do something’s for myself.

I have been great about going to the gym and have lost 44 pounds since she got home August 18th.

I am finishing the last 3 classes I need for my degree.

I am looking for a new job, since the one I have, has never been something I enjoyed. It pays well, but is not something that I would have ever seen myself doing.

I am dressing better and trying to take better care of myself, nice haircuts, eyebrow wax, pedicure, etc. She noticed this last time she was over she mentioned that, she liked my haircut and that I looked good.

I know she really wants a GQ type of guy, but when you are not happy with yourself (I think I was depressed) it is hard to take pride in your appearance.

I have thought about finding some social activities, but I don't know, what I would really enjoy. If you have any suggestions???

Ryan.

What do you find interesting?

I build telescopes and restore antique cars. But that's me.

I highly recommend something like that that takes some sort of physical as well as mental ability that you can take a little pride in, and that takes your mind off your sitch.

-ol' 2long

I am an F'n idiot. I just can not leave anything alone. I talked to her today and she asked me to change some things on my myspace page so, I did and then called her to let her know I did. After I told her I asked, why she didn't want to talk to me, and that I wished she would talk to me instead of pushing me away. Well this got into a long 40 minute arguement about, how she doesn't love me and how this other guy was great. How I was such a jerk for involving her friends and family, and that the only people that needed to know were her, him and me. She told me I couldn't make her happy and that she wants to be off on her own. And ended with, this might take months for me to want to talk to you again, but don't call, or email or send gifts.

I am just so amazed, at what has changed in the last 2-3 weeks. My whole world is just gone. I told her that I know she needs time and I will talk to her when she is ready. I left her with a text that said, "I am sorry. I love you, and our marriage is worth saving." I am afraid that is the last time I am going to talk to my beloved wife.

I have managed to alienate her family, because they are furious about revealing the affair. They are telling her to ddo what ever makes her happy, and right now that is the affair??

I am so pissed about this whole situation, I am going to take some drugs and go to bed.

I just don't get it.

ryan:

Please don't take drugs.

Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us did similar stuff. I know I did.

I forget, are you working with a good counselor?

I strongly recommend calling one of the Harleys. They're not cheap, but they are efficient. They will know the best thing for you 2 do at this point. They'll even know how 2 entice your W 2 participate in coaching with them.

-ol' 2long

I forget, how long have you been married?

Scott,

She told you not to call her anymore the other day and low and behold you guys speak tonight for 40 minutes.

She's NOT going to wait months to speak to you. She MAY go a couple days...to drive you crazy...but then call AGAIN to give you more grief.

Just stick to the script.

You did the right thing and your situation IS better than a couple weeks ago. Back then your wife was in an affair. What your saying is tantamount to the alcoholic's wife saying "I like him better when he was drunk" (which IS often the case for a short time during the early stages of withdrawal and depression associated with hopping on the wagon).

BTW...I'm really encouraged by her use of the word "WAS" when she said "OM was great". IF the affair was still on I'd expect her to say "OM IS great". If it's truly over you are blessed as now it's just the two of you and you'll either work it out or not. Many other people that show up here wait months or years just to get to your position. As tough as it is...be grateful.

In the meantime...I've got a movie rental to suggest to you. Go out and rent "Facing the Giants". It's a story of hope and God's blessings backdropped with football.

Mr. Wondering

We have been married for 6 years, but been together for 10.

Mr. Wandering,

I sure hope that you are right. I am going to stop, contact with her because that is what she wants. I want to work on things, but she is saying, "I don't want a relationship with you" "I don't want to be married to you" I don't know if it is because she is mad or if that is what she is really thinking. I am starting to wonder if the OM is really out of the picture?? Who knows I guess I will just go on with my life and give her time/space to figure out what she wants/needs.

Ryan.

Did you expose to his wife and to his job?

Believer,

I sent a letter to his wife, his wife said, "What he does is his business" "They had already agreed to get a divorce" I sent him an email and CC'd his office. I got a call from him that he was backing off and that my wife, "Wasn't worth it" but I am second guessing if this was the truth or just a way to get me from going any further with the exposure.

What really scares me is that my wife told me, she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. She said that my actions in the last 2-3 weeks, were not someone she would want to be with. In the last 2-3 weeks I have been trying to break up her affair! I have been the bad guy because I told everyone, what she did.

I am still torn on if I should send a registered letter to the FBI office, I know that if my wife finds out it is more ****** to pay. Also I am concerned that if something happens with his job it will push them closer together. I really have no idea what I should do... I wish I could just turn off my feelings for my wife so that this wasn't so hard.

Ryan.

Scotty...one last time...get yourself under control. It's time to man up and stop giving in to emotional urges.

Look, EVERY wayward spouse says exposure has revealed the betrayed one in a new light...that they WERE going to work on the relationship, but now, now you sorry (insert expletive of choice)...now there's no way in &*^% they would ever stay with the the BS. Your wife is just acting out her part in the drama, right from the Wayward Spouse Handbook.

Get REAL, Scotty! Things are no worse today than they were last week. She was a wayward wife last week and she's still one this week. It's going to be a while before that status changes and if you keep picking at the scab, the darn thing will never heal.

He!! yes, send the letter to the FBI office. Cheaters lie. It's what they do. If you want to make sure WW and OM are separated, expose them to his employer. He's been conducting an affair on "company" time, cheating on his own wife and creating chaos in another marriage at the same time. FBI agents are expected to maintain a very high level of personal integrity--it's what we expect of law enforcement officers on that level. His bosses will work hard to make sure the integrity of the Bureau is maintained.

As for your feelings, Scotty, you've got to suppress the counter-productive urges for right now. You have to understand that getting her love back depends on her regaining her respect for you. Right now, she has no respect for you at all. Only by being the best man you can be will she ever be attracted back to your side.

Get to work, Scotty. Do it now!

Scotty,

Several FWW’s on this site have discussed their anger at their betrayed spouse over exposure of their affair when it happened. And they also have admitted to their ultimate admiration and appreciation to their betrayed husbands for “Manning-Up” and standing up for their family.

Manning-Up is attractive. Fetal position thumb-sucking is not.

There is no guarantee that any positive decisive actions will save your marriage but if you do nothing, I think I can guarantee your marriage will die.

And as far as I am concerned, an FBI special agent with obvious moral corruption has no right to serve his country and should be cashiered. Expose to the highest level FBI office you can.

Hey Scott -

Longhorn and Chrisner are right on about exposure. I was in the process of becoming an FBI special agent 4 years ago. I know how invasive the background checks are. These guys are supposed to be the best of the best - in physical, professional, and character terms.

So ****** yes - send a registered letter to the special agent in charge of the local field office. Don't expect to ever find out what happens with it; FBI is a very closed shop - the most you might get is a written acknowledgement that they have received your letter.

Would faxing a letter to the FBI field office be doing to much? I have letters written and signed ready to be mailed, but I won't have a chance to mail them until tomorrow. Should I fax a copy to the public fax number, or just wait and get them sent via registered mail tomorrow, or do both?

Thanks,
Ryan.

Do both.

Would faxing the letter, look to malicious? I don't want to lose my credability, or look like the crazy guy.

Ryan.

certified mail.....signature required to HR, his boss, partners, anyone of influence.

How would that be malicious? If you indicate on the letter that you're sending it both ways (very common business practice) then you're just covering your bases. One gets there sooner and the fact that they know from the fax that another's coming certified mail, they won't ignore it.

This is the letter I am going to send to his employer:

I am writing to inform you that one of the Special Agents assigned to the Rochester Resident Agency, has been involved in a morally corrupt adulterous affair with my wife. The agent; Jxxxx Fxxxxxx, has been sexually and emotionally involved with my wife. His character is also in question, since he has a wife and two children. We look to the FBI and all law enforcement agencies to protect the public, not to purposefully destroy loving homes. I have had contact with Jxxxx Fxxxxxx on several occasions. During our talks I have explained to Jxxxx that his actions are destroying a home, Jxxxx showed no remorse, and is continuing to pursue my wife, with little to no regard for his family or mine. These actions are not those of a trustworthy, truthful and honorable person. If he can so easily betray his family, lie and cheat, how can he be trusted with any type of security clearance? He has also been using government computers and phones to continue this deceitful and immoral act. I appreciate your commitment in looking into this matter, it is one of the most horrendous acts, anyone could ever do.

Is this OK?

Ryan.

I changed it up a little, but I think it still needs to say something about how you are fighting for your family. Thoughts anyone?

I am writing to inform you that one of your Special Agents assigned to the Rochester Resident Agency, has been involved in a morally corrupt adulterous affair with my wife. The agent; Jxxxx Fxxxxxx, has been sexually and emotionally involved with my wife. To make matters worse, he too is married and has two children.

We look to the FBI and all law enforcement agencies to protect the public, not to purposefully destroy families. I have had contact with Jxxxx Fxxxxxx on several occasions. During our talks I have explained to Jxxxx that his actions are destroying a family. He has shown no remorse, and is continuing to pursue my wife, with little to no regard for his family or mine.

These actions are not those of a trustworthy, truthful and honorable person. If he can so easily betray his family with his lies and infidelity, how can he be trusted with any type of security clearance? Further, he has used government computers and phones to continue this deceitful and immoral behavior.

I appreciate your commitment into looking into this matter as adultery is one of the most horrendous acts anyone could ever do to a family and certainly not the behavior of someone to be trusted with any matters of governmental security.