Use the words, security risk, dishonest behavior, reprehensive moral character...

You get the picture.

Personally, I'd put the information about using government computers and phone lines up near the beginning of the letter. Government managers are very sensitive to misuse of government property (there are federal statutes forbidding personal use of such equipment) and it will get their attention very quickly.

BTW, I'd be ready to substantiate this. I assume you have phone records, email messages showing an origin, time and date, etc?

I faxed the letter yesterday and will mail copies today. The guy is also in the Navy reserves so I am sending copies to the Navy Reserve Intel Command. I sure hope this is the right thing to do?

Ryan.

You rock Ryan. Now just prepare for the fallout. Remember your wife will be extremely angry and will say all kinds of things in her anger. Don't let that deter you. You calmly state that you are doing whatever it takes to protect your family. If OM calls you... again you state CALMLY that you are doing whatever it takes to protect your family.

Princessmeggy,

I don't think I will hear from my wife for a while. She has asked me not to talk to her, she has already moved out, and she is furious about me revealing the affair to her friends and family. I am about 85% sure that my marriage is over, but I am going to try very hard to hold things together and do the right things. I am just going to try working on myself. I will not talk to her, I will just see if she ever calls me or wants me back in her life.

Ryan.

I think you'll be surprised. But even if I'm wrong, you've done the right thing. You'll be okay Ryan. Just wait and see.

Pretty funny, not minutes after I wrote that I wouldn't hear from my wife, I got 2 email replies from messages I had sent a couple days ago.

Nothing really worth mentioning, but I am going to anyways.

FIRST EMAIL:
ME: > Could you please mail the house keys back to me. Thanks. Love, Ryan.
HER: > They'll be in the mail tonight. If you could send me the keys to the storage unit, I would appreciate it. I want to go through one more time and make sure I have my stuff (bike is still there) and then I'd like to be done with that. If you want to keep the washer and dryer and the treadmill, that's fine, but I don't want to be paying for the big storage unit any more. Personally, I would like to put those things up for sale and split the money.

she also asked about a credit card that we have together and if I could pay any extra this month. I almost want to say no even though I have extra money. I don't want to be a doormat anymore. We did accrue the debt together, and I do want to pay it down, but I don't want to give her extra money to help support anything that she has done.


SECOND EMAIL:
ME: > Honey, I think I would like to spend some time with the Jindo. I miss him. What do you think about having him until the end of the week and then, I could take care of him for a while? Thanks. Love, Ryan.

HER: > That sounds fine to me. Do you want to meet at the dog park on Saturday and you can take him from there? How long were you planning on keeping him?

You can tell that she is very short with me and doesn't want me to come over to her house. How do I aproach these emails? Just comply with what she wants giving her room and time away from me or do I try a little PLAN A when I see her? i.e. Bring her coffee when I meet her at the dog park? I know that I am only going to get a couple of chances to make this work so I want to make the biggest impact as soon as possible.

Thanks, you guys are really saving my life. If I didn't have this outlet, I would be beside myslef.

Ryan.

Any ideas?

My 2 cents worth - don't take her coffee. Just show up at the dog park, looking your best, thank her for bringing the dog and then tell her you have really got to run, you have an appointment in half an hour.

She needs to see you in a hurry to get going, so she can wonder what you are up to.

At this point, bringing her coffee, or flowers, writing mushy letters, or whatever else you are thinking of, will just make her roll her eyes and say "You have GOT to stop this"
looking your best, and having plans, will make you appear much more attractive.

As Dr Dobson would say - when you were dating, did you "win her over" by begging, crying, and pleading with her to take you? when you were first dating did you say "I love you! You have to marry me right away, or I will die without you!!"

Or did you win her over by being friendly, but not too pushy?

You keep worrying that every thing you say or do has the power to make or break your M. You think that by saying one wrong thing, your M will be "over". you need to face facts - your M is over right now. The M you had. You can not say anything that will break this R. It is all ready broken. So quit obessing about your every word. Of course, you can still form a new M with her - a better M.

At this point, the best thing you can do, is to spend each day making yourself, and your life better. Doing things that you enjoy doing. Reading books that help you, taking classes, going for walks. Joining a bible study, helping a neighbor with lawn care. Visiting friends you haven't seen in years. Making YOUR life better, for yourself. and as a side result - you will become more attractive to her.

Be confident and pleasant, bring her her favorite coffee, act as if you're doing ok. Be the confident fun guy she fell in love with.

There has been no fallout from the exposure?

As to the storage unit, offer to help her get her things and then she can give you the keys so you can deal with the rest. Don't let her expect to get money from the sale of your marital assets, make her work for that and keep her guessing. Tell her you want that stuff.

I'd hold off on paying down the credit card. IF this ends up in divorce the remaining balance will likely be split 50-50 regardless of what you pay down pre-divorce.


Your possible response;

Hey,

Tomorrow at the park would be great. What time? [asking a question forces her to respond]. I've got a couple errands to run so anytime around noon would be great for me. [appearing a little aloof and will things to do]

I could stop and pick us up some Starbucks coffee and muffins if you'd like. I understand if you just want to drop off Jindo and take off but hope you can stay and spend a few minutes with me. I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days and have decided that if our marriage is going to end I'd like it to at least end on a high note. There is no reason this whole thing has to be acromonious.

If you're still too upset I'll respect your need for space...just thinking a bit out loud.

Later,
Ryan


I'd make sure to get some new clothes. Something snappy but not over the top. With all the weight you've lost on the affair diet your old clothes likely are not fitting you to well. You want to look your best without being obvious [you could even "forget" to shave to make it appear you didn't go way out of your way to look great but only if the stubble look suits her].

In case things go OK at the park [Review the Plan A do's and don'ts list] you may want to have an option or two in the car prepared to go. One example. IF you two have a favorite mexican restraurant that you've spent many evenings together at in the past perhaps you could get yourself some carry out from there tonight. Then...pick up a extra take home container of their Chips and Salsa. When you go to the park have it in a cooler in the car and IF things go OK offer the salsa to her when you guys are packing up to leave your separate ways. You can indicate you got it for her but make it sound casual like....not like you went WAY out of your way for her. Hopefully...she'll take it and the fact you got it for her and the memories of that restaurant will plant a few good thoughts about you in her head without going over the top looking all desparate and needy.

Don't do flowers. Food is less "romantic" seeming and just as effective. Maybe stop at the grocery store and pick her up her favorite chips (get two bags and then offer her one...casually...if she wants) keeping one bag for yourself.

IF things don't go well...then you've got some chips and salsa!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - maybe after she responds with a time...you will need to acknowledge it and just mention that one of the errands you are running is going to the grocery store and is there anything she would like you to pick up.

p.p.s. - This is all a demonstration to her that your life is continuing to some extent. You aren't sitting at home crying and staring at the phone and/or computer waiting on her.

p.p.p.s. - Maybe go to the gym tomorrow morning. At least to appear as though you are getting in shape and losing weight intentionally and NOT because you are so distraught. THINK ...how would I act if WW were a girl I was dating and trying to casually impress without looking like a weiner.

Meet her at the storage unit and open it for her. Avoid questions about getting rid of stuff and closing the storage unit. Do NOT accept her agenda. Be ready with your boundaries and enforce them. For instance, you’re not apologetic about exposure. You did it in an attempt to save the marriage. Be on your best behavior, not needy, but not overbearing either. You don’t talk about how much you love her and you don’t get mired down talking relationship.

Meet her at the park, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. Take the dog, if that's what you want to do, say goodbye and walk away. Have your visit with the animal and return it to your WW on time, again with an upbeat attitude and lots of courtesy, but no relationship stuff.

Look, man, meetings are your time to do Plan A on her. "Dress to impress," okay? Wear an outfit, perhaps even something new (to show her you’re doing fine without her to supervise your every move), that shows you off to best advantage. If you’ve lost all that weight, highlight it by wearing clothing you never could before. Looking athletic is always a good thing. Jog out of the park to your car and don’t you DARE look back to see if she’s watching. ASSUME she is, okay? Confidence is always attractive. Mister, Plan A is about making yourself all you can be (I'm in a mood for clichés today) so show her what you're becoming, hear?

Quit moping around waiting for her call, buddy. Call one of your friends and go to a baseball/basketball/football/hockey game/seminar at the local community college/or WHATEVER! Find a woodworking project you can do in the garage, paint the back bedroom, give the lawn a manicure…ANYTHING YOU CAN FIND TO STAY BUSY.

Do these things and then reconcile yourself to be as patient as the Sphinx, Scotty. Plan A is a difficult proposition with her already moved out, but you DO what you can, whenever you can, okay? If it works, it will be a long process. This isn't a computer game with instant gratification and clear-cut results immediately available.

BTW, are you supporting her with the separate apartment or with living expenses? If you are, stop doing that ASAP. Her suggestion about closing the storage unit may be a clue she’s finding it hard to meet her emotional need for financial security. Additionally, note that she is suggesting opportunities where you two WILL talk to each other, in spite of her alleged desire to never talk to you again.

Do you have a counselor? You might consider an IC if you’re not already going to sessions for advice. Additionally, if the depression begins to get to you, consider asking your doctor for some anti-depressants. This situation is what AD’s are MADE for.

Hang in there, friend. There’s no guarantee your marriage can be salvaged from the mess your wife has made of it, but you WILL come out the other side of this whole and sane. Others out here have been in exactly your position at one time in their life and they’re okay now—you will be too, you hear?

And subsidize her adulterous lifestyle? Hardly. Have you frozen this joint card so she can't run it up and stick you for half the bill? Have you frozen or closed other joint accounts or assets so she can't clean them out or run them up?

I agree with WOF's idea for the dog park. Show up looking your best - haircut, good clothes, maybe some aftershave. Let her wonder where you're going and who you're going with. Make yourself a desirable commodity, not a groveling doormat.

Mr.W,

My wife has already told me that she doesn't want to be married to me? I don't know if it was because she was so angry that the OM called her and told her it was over after I revealed to his W, and Job, or because she truely feels like it isn't worth saving. I think I will write her tonight or tomorrow morning and ask if we can do it Sunday, since I am busy Saturday (not really just don't want to appear like I am just waiting for her) I don't really know what to do about the storage unit? I know that she can't pickup her things in her car (2 seat sports car) and I don't want someone else going through "our" ministorage, maybe when I see her at the park I will ask if she wants help picking up her things???? Or is that to needy?

Ryan.

The letter might include a PS anwering her question about how long you want to keep the dog. I'm torn over whether to hold this answer until after SHE responds as this gives you another reason to respond to her later [keeping a dialogue open innocuously].

So, I guess...use a response like above and she'll respond. She'll likely attempt to make it the final email response. However in a few hours you could then take the opportunity to simply respond:

"O yeah...I forgot to answer your question about how long I wanted to keep Jindo. How does xx days sound??? I could keep him longer if you'd like.

Don't elaborate...just try to keep her in a dialogue about pretty much nothing.

Do the same thing about the extra credit card payments. If her response begs the question AGAIN..you just indicate "we can discuss the credit card at the park tomorrow". Then..at the park...avoid the subject. You CAN talk divorce only in an effort to get her to be friendly (like I did in my email above) however, talking about specifics and dividing up/selling assets should be avoided at all costs. Lawyers talk divorce...not you.

Mr. Wondering

Exactly...

Make this COMMON GROUND. You certainly aren't sure you want to be married to her either. Even if you ARE sure...don't make it appear so. Instead use the COMMON GROUND as a way to get her to lay off. As in...you are accepting of the fact she...right now...doesn't want to be married to you. You certainly aren't interested in a loveless marriage with a unrepentent adulterer and you aren't interested in sharing her with OM. Thus...in an attempt to actually get Plan A opportunities to perhaps turn this thing around to a point where reconciliation is an option you just agree with her premise that the marriage is ending so why can't we just be friends and try to enjoy the end of this thing.

Throw in that years from now you don't want to look back and only remember a horrible ending. You two have had SOME good time and SOME good memories. Just indicate that the both of you are better than some bitter divorce.

At the same time...don't talk divorce. Don't enable divorce. Make her do all the heavy lifting where that is concerned. You are just looking for more face time and making it appear you are willing to be nice and friendly and not so much desparate and needy. You are acting as though you are prepared to move on and backing that up in action.

I like the suggesting above about how to leave. When you actually do leave the park try to make it like you've got somewhere to be. Don't linger to much and make it appear you are disappointed the conversation is ending. You be the one to NEED to leave. Don't tell her where you have to be...just a quick...I need to be somewhere at xxx time so I can't stay long. I would be nice if you could legitimately have some plans...meeting up with a GUY friend somewhere so that if pressed more than twice you can offer up a REAL plan. Lying wouldn't behoove you. However, whatever plans you do make...keep them flexible enough that you can stay and talk with her as long as she'll allow it.

Mr. Wondering

Ryan:

Why does she want the dog?

Because shes missing you. She needs something to comfort her.

And since shes supposed to be MAD at you and not talking to you, she wants the dog.

So go, be smiling, cool and confident, with the dog clean, and groomed.

Coffee? one for you.

Stay long? No. 10-15 minutes. Say you have someplace to be.

If SHE seems disapponted that you are leaving, hesitate for a little bit, say you sorry, but you had some plans, and then leave.

If she stays at the park, and you want to be available, "call on your cell phone, talk for two minutes", and then come back.

Tell her, it seems you still needed to talk, and that you "don't have to meet up for another 30 minutes or so" and see what happens.

Bring back the coffee THEN.

One year ago, you were 40 lbs heavier, depressed and not a very good H. Then Joe FBI appearred. So, you be Joe FBI now.

And if she is mean and terrible to you, leave her with the dog.

WOMEN want to talk. So give her the opportunity.

Steer the convo away from difficult things as much as possible. BE Happy. Be Confident.

LG

Lousygolfer,

I am the one who asked to have the dog for a while. She has had him since she moved out, 3+ weeks ago. I am secretly hoping that not having the dog will make the nights a little more lonely for her. I know that it is nice to have the dog around. Is it a bad idea to ask for the dog for a week or so?

Ryan.

I think LG and Mr. W have given you great suggestions.
I know LG does not mean any offense with a comment in his post, but you do not have to be Joe FBI. You need to be you...the you that you brought to the marriage...not a weak man...but be yourself...you do not have to be someone else to win back a lying cheating WW. If she can't care for you for who you really are....she isn't worth your time or effort.