MEDC:

Ryan had pointed out on his thread earlier that his WW may have liked a more GQ type of guy.

It's that "Attractive Spouse" EN. It might not be seriously at play here, but it could be part.

Maybe I needed to expand that a little bit.

Maybe Ryan was more GQ when they met. That's may be who WW still wants.

Ryan, what do you think?

Have you read about the "AS" EN?

Do you think it applies?

LG

LG, I do not expect this to come naturally to you having been the WH...but, for many BS the very thought that they need to match characteristics of the scum bag piece of sh1t om is disgusting. he should be his own man...and if his wife doesn't like it, she can shove it up her lying, cheating a$$ on the way out the door, IMO.
Now, that is not to say he can't be the best Ryan he can be...but it is not him trying to match the low life OM.
See....other men, other women are creatures that should be done away with....not emulated...trash, not treasure. And if the ww or wh thinks their spouse should adapt to be more like the OM...then they are seriously delusional.

Now, as an example...imagine the wh got anal sex from his mistress ho. Does that mean his wife should feel the need to supply him with anal sex because he enjoyed it with his wh0re...I think not. They can work on things in their sex life...but NOT because the dog learned a new trick with the skank. If his wife liked the GQ type more, perhaps she should have taken him out on a shopping spree...but if the wife likes the way the OM dressed, that doesn't mean she gets to dress him like her f-boy.
See, bottom line LG, I think OM/OW are the lowest creatures that walk the face of this earth (well, maybe a close second to child molesters) and that there is nothing they have that is worthy of duplicating.
I can just imagine how well it would play to say to a wife....well, my mistress was a better looking woman and dressed sexier...one of my needs is an attractive partner..blah, blah, blah. Oh...and I like bigger boobs...so, plastic surgery is in order too.
Where does it end?

Ryan...be you. Be the best you that you can be...but be you.

LG, no offense intended and none taken.

MEDC:

Why, That is one of the sweetest, most loving posts I have ever seen from you. Full of compassion and grace.

I'm really beginning to believe that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for advancing that discussion.

LG

Ho HO Ho,

Ditto to all of the above.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I don't know if this is funny, but I used to be the OM!!!! I was the way he is. When we first dated I was the stud jock at college, and I was popular. I joined the navy and went to BUD/s to be a navy seal. I got hurt and ended up in a job that I hated and got into a serious depression. I gained 85 pounds and was very introverted. Because I was mad at myself I brought those around me down.

The OM was the stud in Baghdad, he was fit and popular, and I know my wife misses being "That couple"

While I know what you are saying, I shouldn't try to be the OM. By being the person that I was and the person I want to be, I will in some ways be like him.

So I understand why you would say that, I don't think you should try to be somebody else, unless it is who you "WANT" to be.

Ryan.

Interesting turn of events tonight. Today at work my supervisor called me into his office, to talk. Turns out that FBI called him (I have no idea how they got his name/number) and told him that what I was doing was blackmail.... Threatening to expose the affair so that he would send me a letter or email that he would have no further contact with my wife, was blackmail??? WTF this guy cheats on his wife and kids, and ruins my family, and I am getting called because I am going to expose it. I work at the White House and have a high level clearance, so my boss warned me that if I go through with mailling the letters, it would impact my career? He was sorry, about what happened, and he couldn't understand, because I have been through so much (cancer, chemo, radiation, 5 surgeries..every year for 5 years, at one point I sat next to her in the hospital for 6 weeks. My Boss even visited us in the hospital on Christmas) with my wife. But he warned me not to send the letters..... I am a little pissed, and it seems like he has kind of won, but I am still going to fight!

Ryan.

you have a right to expose...you do NOT have a right to make it conditional.
Expose...to stop the affair. Getting a letter from the Om is not necessary.
Yur boss has nothing to say about this...this is a personal matter and you should handle it accordingly. And this joker could have had a friend of his call your boss. Ask for the name of the person that called and report the contact to his supervisor.

and honestly, I don't buy this at all...I do NOT see the FBI handling it that way... I see them getting to you directly.

I got the name of the guy that called. I called the office front desk and asked for the security officer, it was the same guy that had called my supervisor. I guess the way I did it made it suspect. I email the OM and told him I was going to send the letters if I didn't hear from him that it was over. I should have just sent the letters and not given him a warning. I guess I was being weak, hoping he would contact me and tell me it was over.

Ryan.

This is a great example of why you don't threaten exposure...you just do it.

It's NOT blackmail and it's not extortion.

It's your First Amendment Right to Free Speech.

Now more than ever...you need to do it. Call his bluff...the ONE little covert call to your boss was an underhanded attempt to get you to stop...because EXPOSURE'S WORKING. Once you've done it...he won't complain again because he'll have fires to put out and you know longer can be manipulated. He ain't gonna sue you or press charges because he ain't gonna stand up in court or file papers and await an independent investigation of HIS CONDUCT.

He's hoping...praying to avoid scrutiny and he's using his "authority" to intimidate you and those around you. This guy soooo needs to be exposed.

The "problem" now is your boss who advised you not to. Going against his wishes sucks. I'd mail them tomorrow morning and act like you already sent them and just didn't want to tell the boss for fear the FBI would find out and divert the exposure from occuring and/or intercept the mail somehow. ACT to the boss like you fear FBI guy and his "authority" and just tried to avoid the conversation.

Send them...it's not blackmail to expose...only, quite tenously arguable perhaps, to threaten to expose.

Mr. Wondering

Ryan:

Definitely, you should expose because it's the right thing 2 do. Telling the truth is never wrong.

Definitely, using exposure as a threat is always wrong.

Having said that, you did what you did. You should follow through and expose anyway.

I realize that your boss may interpret this as disobeying a direct "order" or warning (a threat in its own right!), and you may be dismissed. I suppose you'll need 2 decide for yourself whether saving your marriage is worth that. If it were me, I'd sue for wrongful termination if I were fired over such nonsense. But that's me, and I'm not in your sitch, and I might behave differently under your pressure.

Also, I'm going 2 disagree with the other posters' suggestion that you engage your W in relationship conversations. I think that, because you are in such a fragile state emotionally with regard 2 her right now, you should do everything you can 2 avoid or deflect any conversations with her about marriage, your relationship, and particularly about DV. If you're uncomfortable or you feel like she's steering you in a particular direction, don't respond verbally at all. If you can control yourself well enough, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, I feel differently" or "I don't do DV" (and then drop the subject completely). She may try 2 get you 2 argue with her - do NOT take the bait. Walk away if you have 2.

-ol' 2long

EXTORTION = extracting “performance” or “goods” through coercion or threats

That is what you did. (Send the letter, or I expose.)

That was not your goal. Your goal was to end your wife’s affair through the embarrassment of exposure.

This is a very good example of why, when you are trying to end an affair through exposure, you just EXPOSE to everybody, all at once, with no warning.

If you offer WARNING in advance of the exposure, then you expose yourself (instead) to accusations of something entirely different (extortion).

Exposure takes planning, and a dalm mind – unfortunately something in short supply when people are panicked by adultery (understandably).

But this is what happened.

*sigh*

Though your actions seemingly fall into the definition of extortion posted above they do not...IMO...fit into the LEGAL definition of extortion or blackmail. You neither attempted to extort money or property. You merely asked him to stop having an affair with your wife (adultery is illegal in many states though no longer enforced) or you'd expose him. You gave him a choice to avoid embarrassing himself and were actually giving him the opportunity to avoid embarrassment by changing his way. You were doing him a favor by warning him. It wasn't a threat it was a promise. Besides he and your wife are in LOVE...your defense is also ...what's embarrassing about exposing "love".

Like I said above...EXPOSE him. Now more than ever. Once you turn the lights on...coachroaches run for cover.

Mr. Wondering

Okay then, since you have high levels of clearance, then you can guess the OM does, too. People who have security clearances are trained to know that, if someone tries to extort or blackmail them in ANY way whatsoever, for ANY reason whatsoever, they are REQUIRED to report it.

REQUIRED!

So, he was compelled to report your threat to expose him (unless he performed as you desired), to his employer. What if you had been threatening to expose the affair unless he provided state secrets?!?!

You posed a security threat. You had him over a barrel, and you might have been extorting/blackmailing him for any number of reasons whatsoever. An absolute security risk, from his employer’s point of view.

Now, from YOUR employer’s point of view, you might also be considered a liability. Because of the way in which you “exposed” (over and over again – first by email, and subsequently by threat), you have possibly threatened your own career.

But … choices have consequences.

Next time don't choose to threaten. Choose to act.

Scotty, how about checking with an attorney to see if there is any validity to this new interpretation of "blackmail." Blackmail usually involves some sort of (financial?) gain and all you're trying for is a return to the status quo, right? Is there any possibility the OM's boss and/or coworkers might be circling the wagons and making calls to scare you off?

I am going to lay off a little. I will send a letter to the Special Agenct in Charge of the Buffalo branch, so there is absolutely no question that it has reached the right person. But I will not send any additional letters.

Ryan.

Well, it is that security types are cold blooded to the maximum, they have to be. I personally wouldn't want them any other way.


Now it is that your wife and the FBI guy have shown very poor judgement. They have done something that has exposed themselves to risk. This is not the only time this has happened. I suspect that somewhere in a security manual lurks instructions on how to handle an FBI Agent who is involved in an affair with an escalator if he is doing it with someone who HAS a security clearance or is married to someone who has a job requiring a clearance.

Sex, money and a host of other issues are the grist for the mill of security types who attempt to insure that their charges don't become compromised.

Think about this for a while. Think about your own role in this mess. Do you know a security type you can talk to?

Larry

Using OM's logic than I guess you have a extortion/blackmail case against your boss or more precisely since your boss was acting as OM's agent/spokesperson, OM himself.

IF, by some stretch of the imagination, OM tries to pursue you for Blackmail you'd have the exact same "claim" to make against him.

Also...as pointed out above...if your clearance requirements require you to report attempts at blackmail or extortion...maybe YOU should (or are required to) make the claim for blackmail yourself based upon that phone call. Thing is their "blackmail" of you is more insidious and illegal. THEY, unlike you, called your boss under the pretenses of the state...as an "FBI" agent. They/he illegally used the auspices of his/their government position to threaten a private citizen to NOT EXPOSE the immorality and likely illegal (depending on the state) conduct of a government employee. Unlike your call to OM which was man to man about a private matter...they/he involved a government official in the "threat".

IF you expose and get in trouble for it...you may also have protection under the Whistleblower Laws as you are being subjected to harrasment in your workplace for attempting, discussing and carrying out disclosure of illegal, unethical and immoral conduct of a government official. OM is clearly breaking the rules of his code of conduct...you are aware of it and even gave him a "warning" and a chance to STOP the unethical conduct. Further...the Whistleblower Laws should protect you for exposing a FBI using his office to call your boss and threaten/blackmail you in an effort to silence you...illegally. We the people shouldn't be paying G-men to call up BS's and threaten them on our dime.

Backing down on OM will not make him go away. You allow him to intimidate you and he will more than likely continue to abuse you by seeing your wife, continuing or resuming the affair. He'll think he owns you. He needs to be disabused of such notion.

PLUS...no matter what happens in the end...YOU will feel better about yourself. Integrity starts and ends with you.

Mr. Wondering

Mr.W has added a very real context to the situation you are in. Based on the threat your boss has issued to you, it would now appear that you are obliged to draw up a complete picture of the events and report same.

Who do you report to, your boss? I haven't a clue where you work or the security blanket in which you work. I do see that the FBI Agent has an office and a boss. Mr.W has put a very, very interesting spin on this.

Larry

No kidding. That's why questions about past/current infidelities and past/current substance abuse (among other things) are asked when applying for security clearances. It is NOT because these agencies are seeking "pure" applicants, but because they are concerned that the pool of employees not be subject to blackmail/extortion. The manner in which the applicant responds is as significant as the response, itself.

I've read this thread over and over, and while Ryan's wife seems to have met and initiated this A with the OM in Baghdad, nowhere does he say that they actually worked together. Consequently, the affair might not be relevant to Ryan's employer, his wife's employer, or the OM's employer, except that the OM now reports he is being "harassed" and "threatened" by an angry BH.

If the point of exposure is to notify all relevant parties in order to pressure the couple to end the affair, this has already been done. Family members and employers all know.

Ryan is now exhausting himself emotionally, and at the point of threatening his own employment by continuing in this vein.

I am wondering if Ryan is BEYOND the point of being capable of running a good Plan A ... the wife is unavailable to him because she is out of the house, he is emotionally and psychologically depleted and about to risk his employment ... For the sake of his own wellbeing (and I'm certainly likely to be wrong here, but I really am wondering) ...

Should he not be considering planning a Plan B? He's going to get himself sacked if he doesn't disentangle himself somewhat.