Very quite today nothing from her. I guess I was expecting something, anything.

She did say something yesterday, when I talked to her, that had me thinking all night. She mentioned that she didn't want to act like things were normal because it isn't fair to me. What does that mean? Anyways thanks everyone who is reading and supporting me. This is not easy.

Ryan.

Just found out, that she was with the OM last weekend. I was beginning to think everything was going so well, and that maybe she knew OM was not right for her...... Well I kind of asked her about it, and she denied it. I have proof, but I don't think it would do any good to confront her with it..... damn, damn, damn. I really thought she was going to be ok.

Ryan.,

Iwontquit, sorry to hear that. I guess her telling you that she and him will never work out was just a lie. I wonder when she will wake up and starts questioning: did OM care about me and my lack-of-a-Christmas-tree-apartment or was he just here to use me?

I don't know how much more and how much longer you can take news like this, but eventually I think you will need to go into a dark Plan B.

Further FBI exposure?????

What have you got to lose?

No wonder she was in a good mood last week...she was anticipating her fix.

Seems the FBI would like to be made aware that one of their agents is conducting himself inappropriately and in a compromising manner. They do have ethical standards of conduct...don't they???

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- btw...Sorry BA (troll) her telling you that they would never work out wasn't necessarily a lie. It may have been (in an effort to keep you backed off interferring with the affair) but more likely she KNOWS it won't work out but can't resist the urge to do see him. Affairs are addicting. Just like drugs...she'll quit later. My wife certainly couldn't imagine a future with her OM and she also couldn't imagine a future without me. The problem comes when they try to stop. They can't...until the pain or hassle for one of them outweighs the benefits. The more they try to stop and give in to see each other the more destined they "feel" that they were meant to be togther. They have no understanding of the basic psychology of it....so they explain it with "feelings".

Thus, BA, without a basic understanding of affairs why don't you head on back to Loveshack and post your "encouragement" and worldly advice there. Betrayed Spouses get enough such discouraging words from their own uninformed friends and family (whom also believe they are being compassionate and protective). Your persistence despite being banned several times is just troubling. I get the feeling you likely emailed Justuss and told her she can't ban you because you know how to get around being banned so she might as well give it up because you have no intention of going anywhere, sharing anything, learning anything, etc., etc. Your current ACT betrays you....GO AWAY...TROLL.

Either she's 1)lying (surprise) or 2) willing to be a part-time lover for him or 3) willing to be a once in a blue moon thing with him or 4) last good bye meeting (unlikely) or 5) getting her fix despite her logic telling her otherwise OR the combination of some of the above.

Whatever the reason is, eventually, you should plan to go into Plan B. One can only be in Plan A for so long.

Ummm... BA, in case you missed it, Ryan is in counseling with the Jennifer at the MB office and has been advised NOT to go to Plan B for various reasons.

Again...your hit or miss off-the-cuff advice,

off the mark...AGAIN.

But thanks for discouraging him. Way to beat a dog when it's down. Plan B ISN'T an option.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Ryan...posters have begun requesting Best Advisor/Best Angel/Best Advisor1/SunshineEnima/Schoolbus1/et. al. to leave them alone on their threads. I encourage you to do the same for if she ignores YOUR request on YOUR thread and does it to enough people she'll get banned again...I HOPE.
Of course, that's your call...it's just annoying to me to see her here and others MAY feel the same and just avoid your thread.

Mr. W,

As always thanks for your input. I don't know what to think right now with my WW. I gave her multiple chances to tell me the truth, but instead she got angry with me that I would insinuate that she would do such a thing. I have concrete evidence that she was with him in NY the 9th-11th. I can't give up my source, because she could easily change it. Besides I don't think that there is much to be gained by confronting her. She will continue to lie, but I don't understand why she would. If she is done with me, why wouldn't she just tell me so that I would get angry and leave her be? or rub it in my face? or ?????? I don't understand what she has to gain by continuing to lie to me? Any ideas?

I know when I talked to her tonight she went through several emotions. Angry, Annoyed, Happy, and then Confrontational. She was trying very hard to convince me that she wouldn't go up there and that she was just sleeping on the couch all weekend?

Thanks,
Ryan.

1. I'm glad you got the truth on your own as it's is futile to try to get honesty from an active wayward. I know how hard it is. You think it would almost be better if she didn't compound the adultery with lies but it really makes no difference.

2. She's likely lying for two reasons

a. She doesn't want you interferring because OM was bothered by your previous exposures and WAS backing off. She's got him back on the hook and doesn't want you messing it up. Consider how hard she is trying to convince you you are wrong. When you consider it in terms of an addiction then, I believe, she fears you will interfere with it if you knew.

b. She still doesn't think it will work with OM and she confused still about what she really wants. Hence, cake eating. In a way, it's better that she's still in the affair because I would have more reservations about your chances if she was still in no contact all this time and still not giving you a chance to Plan A her. At least now we have an explanation and you can still be hopeful that you can outlast the affair and get your chance.

I, personally, believe it's the former. She's separated from you and has ever typically rationalization and justification to enable her to be honest with you now. Many waywards ARE open and notorious about their affairs in that situation. If everything was honky-dorry in affairland she'd be puting it in your face left and right. I think exposure has them nervous and although it won't work...they just can't stop it and she fears any interference from you OM just might call it quits.

I say EXPSOE again. You don't have to give up your source. She KNOWS it's the truth so go for it.

Mr. Wondering

Expose to whom? His job, his family, they all seem to be indifferent. When I expose to her family she makes me out to be a mad man. Of course they are going to believe her over me. I would expose, but I just don't know to whom I should be exposing? I guess I could send another letter to his job, saying that he is still pursuing her, even though she is still married? What do you think?

Ryan.

She lied because she doesn't want to let you go. Who's going to pay attention to her when you're gone; who's going to buy her a Christmas tree when you're gone; who's going to be her backup plan when the OM is gone; etc.

She's cake eating because she knew that you will stick around.

p.s. I didn't advice you to go to Plan B immediately, like certain individual manipulated my words to sound, but merely suggesting that you "planning" to go there someday when you need to. You're a good guy, no matter what happened, you can hold your chin up. No sure if the samething can be said about her and the OM.

I'm just of the opinion that exposure is or has worked. They are trying to take it underground and keep it a big secret. Wayward wives that are separated could give a rat's pitutie about whether their husband, who they have rationalized, justified and marginalized away to the position of irrelevance, know about the affair. There is another reason for her lies besides manipulating you. I thinks it's fear of further exposure. As long as it's the truth you can't be made out to be a madman (even if you keep your source a secret). You'll be able to explain yourself someday.

It's better than doing nothing??? You can't recover anything until the affair is busted up and the sooner the better.

Mr. Wondering

I again disagree with Best Advisor.

If she wanted to cake eat...she'd be spending much more time and energy keeping Ryan on the hook than she has been. She thinks she's being polite and kind to him but right now IMO, her mindset is, that it's over. That mindset is what allows her to continue doing what she's continuing to do.

End the affair and she may wake up from the nightmare and notice how Ryan stuck by her, loved her and changed in positive ways.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I would certainly be going after OM's side of the fence with exposure. I think that's where the weakness is. He's divorcing and divorcing men often want to play the field instead of settling down with a long distance relationship that's complicated (by YOU).

I disagree with MrWondering. I don't think in her mind, she's completely DONE or OVER with Ryan. I don't think she's 100% sure what she wants yet. There is definately a chance that she's keeping him around in case things falls apart between her and the OM. Her feelings for Ryan is still there somewhere deep down and it was evidence when she broke down by his offer to purchase her a tree.

All hope lost? No, but things can drag for a long time, months or even years if the OM is not completely out of the picture.

BA,

No one is going to take your advice over a seasoned vet like Mr. Wondering. You know why? Because Mr. Wondering has shared his story and worked the MB principles. You haven't told any of us a thing about yourself, even after repeated questions.

You'll get much more traction around here if you SHARE YOUR STORY. If you refuse to do that, why don't you head back over to loveshack, where I'm sure you'll be more appreciated.

I agree that I think further exposure couldn't hurt. I am going to expose to his branch office and the office above it.

I had also thought about writing him an email to let him know that I am aware that they are continuing their affair and that I am going to continue to be there for my wife no matter what. I don't know if this is a good idea.... the last time I did it, my wife was angry that I was being hurtful (I mentioned that he is hurting his children) to the OM.

So what other further exposure should I do? In the past I had called his sister, mother and father (mother and father are separated) Is it worth doing again? Or should I just rely on his job to apply pressure?

Thanks to everyone that has helped, just when I thought things were getting a little better, I am back at square one.

Ryan.

Ideas? from some of you veterans.

Ryan, what does Jennifer say?

Actually I believe he's already divorced....he's free and clear. But they only live like 3 hours away from each other...not really long distance. If it was 2 states away like 6-8 hours....but someone in addiction doesn't think 3 hours is long distance. I think while denying it to Ryan she is still thinking her fantasy world with OM is possible. Maybe more exposure will work...but this guy is hard to shake and her stubborness and independance isn't helping it's like the rebel child out to prove something.

Longhorn,

I haven't talk to Jennifer in a while. I probably should, but it is difficult scheduling and I believe that there are some wonderful advisors on this board.

Ryan.

SIHW,

The are about 7 hours apart. I know that it isn't to terribly far, but I drove that to be with my wife when we were apart. I think that you are right, part of what is keeping them together is everyone's stuborness. My wife would be the last person to admit that she made a mistake, and talking to the OM, he sees this as some big game, that he doesn't want to lose. I am going to go ahead and send another certified letter to the FBI. I have done a little more research on the code of conduct at the FBI and it seems that this shouldn't be taken so lightly??? Of course WW will be angry again, but I have to do it. I have too much love for her to go to PLAN B.

Ryan.