Its been awhile since I've been on here...life in between have been a rollercoaster. Needed a break away from here to focus on the M...lotta good it did me....

What's been going on:
Plan A since 08/04, really been trying, then I would find out nc broken, would try harder, nc broken again, would try even harder...nc keep breaking. Each time I busted WH he would say those are the only times he's been with OW. He also said that even though he sneaks to see her every so often that they are no longer sleeping with each other. I said "that's hard to believe because if you were getting caught every time, you would stop. So there must be times when you are not getting caught. Also, if you really want your M like u claim, you wouldnt risk it to go see her just to talk and not get any booty."

So because following him is just time consuming and stressful, I purchased a GPS system and put it in his truck. GPS verified that I was right, he going to see her every chance he can get. I would confront him saying I know he was there (w/out mentioning GPS) and he would lie and lie and lie....I came to realize that because I love him, he is very convincing. As a matter of fact, he had me so convince I started wondering if the GPS was wrong (aint that something). I told myself that the next time the GPS said he was with her I had to see it with my eyes....so Friday night he drives over there at 1:04am (booty-call hours)....I show up a lil after...didnt see his truck, but saw hers outside (OW usually parks in garage). WH didnt know I had his alarm keychain....so I walk up to the garage and push the alarm....wow...its sounds off. Thats proof enough for me that he's in there. According to GPS he stayed there at least until 4am...then the battery died. I confronted him the next morning to see if he'll be a man and admit it. NOPE! He said he got home at 5:30am from out of town (which he didnt mention to me b4) I know he heard his truck alarm go off but he wouldnt admit to anything. He said I was lying, haulucinating, etc....because he was no where near there, he was in the next town at a club. O wow, u replace the truth with a lie that's just as bad....at a club, hmm with girls doing who knows what. So later that day I just left....didnt tell him I was leaving but he got the picture because Saturday and Sunday night he spent the night with OW.

The bad thing is, I get the feeling (just by confronting her a couple of times) that she dont want him. She didnt say this but she never said she did. I just get this feeling that she's just in it to take what she can until she's sick of him. Now my WH I dont think he really really want to be with this woman as a wife but I do believe that he likes her and wouldn't mind being her boyfriend. I definitely sense that he likes her way more then she likes him. WHY R THERE PPL LIKE THAT---HOMEWRECKERS?!!!

I just want to be happy with my H, if you're going to steal him, at least want him to love and marry....dont wreck a home just to use him, there are single men and women out there that wouldnt mind being used. Leave the married ones alone. But on the other hand, the real problem isn't her (OP) ITS HIM (WSs)

I left Saturday so today is officially day 2 that i have had nc with WH....should I still give him a Plan B letter or just leave it alone. I left abruptly not thinking about Plans. Advice from family is to just get over him and if the marriage is to work out let him make the first move. Family makes sense. Trying to do the right thing for me and my kids. Never seen a Plan B letter and don't know what it should say. I dont want it to be lovey dovey...I think that's why he still playing games....he dont really believe that he could lose me.

I need advice....Plan B letter or just leave it alone?? If i do a letter, where is a sample? Thank you! augh this is the hardest thing I have ever done, and the worst pain I have ever been through.

Oh, your story cracked me up! Imagine thinking the GPS was wrong! And the car alarm going off in her garage was CLASSIC!!!!!

Sounds like you are doing well. Have you done a great Plan A?

Dont know if it was great compared to others, but great to the best of my abilities....I have no "what ifs". We did counseling, I did encouraging, cooked more, sex more, cleaned more, everything more that was on his ENQ.

Yes Harley says Plan A at least 3 months, I could only handle 2 months.

you cracking up, made me laugh.....so thank you for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You did an EXCELLENT job of snooping - one of the best I've ever read.

It is best to go to Plan B before you run out of steam, or if you feel you will LB. It is essential to do a dark Plan B. So you need to start getting your ducks in a row.

Will he move out? Can you support your family financially?

The problem is that he has figured out that he can have you, his family, and his affair too. He hasn't had any consequences. He is even brazen enough to have you catch his car in the OW's garage, and he thinks he can lie his way out of that.

wakingbeauty,

Please read. I hope this may be of some help.


Hope for Couples in Crisis

Cant support family on my own, living with parents....and no he won't move out. He refuses to move out. I told him I didnt want the house, just time apart until he gets his act together or until we get a divorce and home is where the kids and I are more comfortable...but as of now he doesn't see the need to leave.

Thanks Cymanca.....I read parts, I will print it out and read it all when I have more time.

ok Question for all.....TODAY!! We have counseling, we scheduled it 2 weeks ago we haven't scheduled anymore (so far). I am in Plan B----do "WE" still go????? I'm sure he has forgotten all about it. Do I leave a note "hey we have counseling today" and leave it like that or do I still go to counseling to vent and not remind him at all, and just see if he shows up or not?

If you are going into Plan B, you need to do a Plan B letter, and also plan for it.

Counseling is pretty much a waste of time if there is an affair. It depends on how MB friendly your counselor is. Because the problem in your marriage now is the affair. It doesn't matter what else you work on or try to change as long as the OW is in the picture.

What is the story on the OW?

Walkingbeauty 10---had not seen any e-mails from you so I started getting worried, now I know what is going on. Try to stay strong, he needs to realize what he is going go lose if he doesn't end the A. Remember, these men are comfortable as long as they have two women by there side and neither one of them says or does anything about the situation. I wish you good luck, I know something GOOD will come out at the end. Stay strong for your children! Will keep you in my prayers!

Calibabe- yeah, I moved over to my parents and they have dail-up....lol....getting on the internet is horrible over there (especially if the phone keeps ringing). At home we use Cable internet (FYI) Right now I'm at work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you ....I've been thinking of you as well.

PLAN B LETTER: ok obiviously there's more to Plan B then a letter, so how to I learn about it??? On the website, all I saw was a little article about Plan A and B but no specifics. No steps other than do Plan A then if that dont work go to Plan B. Help, I have no idea for a letter and no game plan.

OW story: She's 9 (35) years older, so she's very experienced--in the game. She has 3 kids (9g, 5g, 3b). She is cousin to WH bestfriend. WH and OW have known each other for years, b4 I even came into the picture. I just met her 7 years ago. When the affair started she had a boyfriend. Still have a boyfriend-I dont think so but not for sure. Havent exposed to him because----I dont know. But her family knows of the affair. People who have gone to school with her says that she is fast, wild, crazy. She's never been married. I was told all kids have different fathers. She hangs out on this place called "The Hill" the "The Hill" is apparently where you go to find a man (and not a man for marrying). We were passing by friends. You know "hi how are you, fine thank you, and you?" She hardly talked to me, but once the affair started, she was always in my face and holding my kids--tramp! She very disrespectful, caught her in my yard 3 times. WH said he has never let her in the house--hmmm.

In my opinion about the OW: I dont think she's the settling down type. And I think she's just using him to get what she can.

I will continue to keep everyone in my prayers!!

Before you do Plan B, you need to get all your ducks in a row. The idea is to have no contact ever with your husband, so that he will need to get all of his emotional needs met by the OW.

You need to figure out finances, child-visitation, etc.

Here is one Plan B letter copied from another poster -

Dear WW,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OM possible, although I take no responsibility for your choices to make it happen. I foolishly underestimated the signs of your unhappiness and was ignorant of how to best meet your most important emotional needs.

This experience has changed me greatly and I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and help create a new life for us that will meet both our needs. I will do what it takes to make our marriage work, if you will do the same. But I cannot do that until you end all communications with OM permanently.

Until then, I will not see you, talk to you or communicate with you in any form. Any required communications, such as those regarding financial arrangements or the marital property, should be given to INTERMEDIARY (whose contact information is included). INTERMEDIARY will pass any relevant information on to me and provide you with a response, if necessary.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know that I have endured great suffering since discovering your relationship with OM, and I can no longer bear to see or speak to you while knowing you are still contacting him. I still love you, do not want a divorce, and will be able to forgive you. But I simply cannot speak with you under the current circumstances.

When you are willing to permanently end all contact with OM, make efforts to prevent further infidelity and express remorse for your actions, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. But I only want that as husband and wife; nothing else.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you refuse to stop contacting OM.

Love,

OIC....I'm going to revise the letter and think about reasons why i would need to see him and then plan a way to avoid it. My husband works swing-shift so it will be easy most of the time.

Once I have a letter and a plan, i will post it.

The usual thing is that as soon as you attempt Plan B, the WS finds lots of reasons to contact you. So plan carefully.

Your husband sounds like he is quite dependent on you for meeting some of his needs.

How you figure that? Its true but I was just curious how u figured that out.

OK---------Went and saw MC by myself. She said the same thing believer said and the same thing I read from C. Of course she didnt mention a plan B letter, just to stop all contact period. She said she didnt get a sense of remorse from WH the last time she spoke with him. He needs to feel the pain in order for him to even want to change. she said he sounds very immature with life in general. And this made me cry: Base on the fact that he grew up watching his dad cheat and uncles cheat his entire life...there's a poor prognosis for our marriage to succeed unless something very very drastic happens.

Am I stupid for still having hope??

This is day 4 of Plan B. I will admit that i saw him yesterday morning....I went home to get something expecting him to be with her and he wasnt. Instead of leaving right then.....I opened my mouth and we had a 40 mins. conversation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
arggg Stupid of me, but i was weak at the sight of him. OK no more messing around....the only time I will go to the house is when he is at work. So that will be 10/17 --he's on vacation now.

Walking---I know its hard, especially because you still love your H no matter what he has done to you, yes they don't deserve our love, but lefts face reality! Be strong, strong, strong. If you want him to change, avoid ALL contact. He needs to know you are not playing any games and you will not put up with this anymore. I know its easier said than done, but try. Good luck.
Calibabeus

Get your letter ready, and post it here.

The letter is hard, the example I have....it says too much how sorry the BS is.....and maybe for most that's ok but for my WH who uses any iddy biddy excuse to blame me for the affair....I had to change the sample Plan B letter.

Check this out...in a way I already did Plan B letter---verbally....I told him I loved him and do not want a divorce but I'm not staying until he gets his act together, grow up, and leave OW alone.

Wouldn't writing a letter be breaking NC? but ok, here it is:

Dear WH,

Although I take no responsibility for your choices to make the affair happen, I foolishly underestimated the signs of your unhappiness and was ignorant of how to best meet your most important needs. I was ignorant that you would punish me for not meeting your needs by betraying me rather than us seeking help together.

This experience has changed me greatly and I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and help create a new life for us that will meet both our needs. I will do what it takes to make our marriage work, if only you will do the same (more-so). But I cannot do that until you end all communications with the other woman permanently.

Until then, I will not see you, talk to you or communicate with you in any form unless I have no choice regarding the kids. Any communications, such as those regarding financial arrangements or the marital property, should be given to your mother (if she’ll agree) or my parents. Your mom or whoever will pass any relevant information on to me and provide you with a response, if necessary.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know that I have endured great suffering since discovering your relationship with the other woman, however I doubt that you truly understand my pain because you still continue to see her and lie about it. I can’t stand to see you or speak to you while knowing you are still contacting her. I do not want a divorce, and will be able to forgive you rather the marriage survives or not. But I simply cannot speak with you under the current circumstances.

When you are willing to permanently end all contact with other woman, succeed for a considerably about of time, make efforts to prevents further infidelity with anyone, and express remorse for you actions (so far you have express none), I will be willing to discuss our future.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy and more importantly GOD happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. Remember when we us to do everything together, the fun we had. But I only want that as husband and wife; nothing else.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just refuse to allow you treat me like I don’t matter vs. what matters to you (other woman). I cannot be with you or help you as long as you refuse to stop contacting other woman. And this is action, you say you will stop but I need to see some action/proof.

Love,
BW

Good letter........Hopefully it gets the point across to him and he opens his eyes.


I divorced before I found marriage builders but, I kind of had a plan B without the letter.

A few weeks after begging my EX to reconsider divorcing and begging her to stop seeing this OM......I got strong. Basically, I did not speak to her or contact her for over 3 months......it worked like a charm. She basically wanted to come reconcile and stay married. It was too late for me......she caused me too much pain, and even though I forgave her, I know I could not ever get over it. She actually did me a favor.

To make a long story short........plan Bs do work. Your spouse will definitely hate the no contact and being ignored.

StartinOver---but what if you have to have contact with H? I don't want to have contact, but I have to see him everytime I drop off/pick up our DS? that's not going to make the plan work right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />