OK, on dropoff last night DD10 said "Goodbye Mom" to Dad's Girlfriend.
Now, they don't live together, and I haven't heard talk of marriage (expect from DD). This DD has started refering to her as stepmom in stories written for school. But "Mom"?

Now, GF's been around for at least 4 years (could be 6 years and the cause for all I know).

I'd like to hear other's views on the appropriateness of calling a GF "MOM".

I'm concerned about recent losses this year, Grandpa in June and the Rottweiler two weeks ago (same age as DD). Has she attached too much?

She is trying it out to see if she gets a reaction perhaps!

My YD was 10 when we seperated but never has it been anything other then Celia, she doesn't even refer to her as my step-mom. It's dad and Celia or dad and his wife.

I myself would be very hurt and resentful if my kids called someone other then me mom. I deserve that title no one else does, it's mine, newly how did you feel when you heard it?

Can you explain to daughter the definition of mom and explain why it is not appropriate to call dad's GF this? It would have to be done with a lot of care and love.

One time for a women's luncheon we had to speak about the different hats that we were and I had a ball cap that said Motivational Organizational Manager, MOM. a GF is not that.

I'm sorry this is one that I feel kind of strongly about.

Dawn

Hi, Newly.

First what do the girls call you?

Second, I had a good friend in high school who called all of her friends' mothers "Mom." For her, Mom didn't mean the special relationship she has with her mother.

My guess is your daughter may have been trying to tweek you. In many ways, your older daughter is very sophisticated and attuned.

Of course, you could take this as an opportunity to reinvent what you are called. How about Mumsy, mummy, Marmie (from Little Women), Mama, etc.

Of course, I'm going off a weekend with the girls where if I heard "Maaa OOOOM" in a drawn out wail from clear on the other side of hte house, I was personally going to commit hari-kari.

I never called any of my parents' *friends or spouses (plural!) as a parent.

When my father remarried, I was 13 and my sister was 8. It was "Monica". When he remarried again when I was about 18, it was Jo-An. When my mother remarried when I was in my 20s, it was Bill. My kids called Bill, "Mr. Bill" and it was "Grandad and Jo" for my father and his wife. Just before my father estranged himself for the last time, we upped it to "Grandma Jo" (and that made me queasy!) but it was a gesture to keep things nice - fat lot of good that did!

I refer to my mother's late husband as my StepDad - even though I called him by his given name, he was more of a father to me than my own was for the 5 years that they were married and until his death. Truth is, he was more of a grandfather to my kids too - but he liked the kids calling him Mr. Bill - just Bill would have been too informal and he was an older gentleman (my mother was 53 and he was 80 when they married - long story but it was a very good marriage).

My kids called XH's GF by Miss followed by her given name. Ditto when I was involved with a man, he was Mr. and his initials (everybody called him by his initials). Eventually the "Mr." part got dropped...

Currently, dating B, they haven't really had a chance to address him as such - my DD has jokingly called him "dude" a few times... "good night, dude" as he's leaving or whatever. Of course we're just dating so familiarity is WAY off in the distance as far as that goes. I think we'd all be comfortable with the kids calling him by his first name. I have raised my kids (teenagers) to address people by Mr. or Mrs. or Dr. or whatever their proper title is. With familiar people - such as parents of their friends, Mr. or Miss followed by their given name is OK. My DD's best friend's mom is Miss Kristina, and I'm Miss "JinGA" to her DD... that sort of thing.

I'm rambling now...

4 years is a long time, so your DD has had this woman in her life for almost half of it. I don't know the dynamic, but Mom is a bit uncomfortable for me - but it could have been a shock value thing, a push the envelope thing - OR she could just feel close - hard to say without knowing the people involved.

JinGA

that is what i love about the south.. everyone is "miss" so and so. i love that! it sounds so polite and mannerly. up north we don't that. i wish we did. we just a bunch of mannerless yankees up here! LOL

mlhb

Well I didn't grow up in the South. I've only lived here 7 years. I'm Canadian. Most of that stuff I told you about transpired in Canada, except there recent stuff (XH's GF and my XBF).

I think it's just the way I was raised... and the way I've raised my kids.

Lots of people here - even peers, call me Miss "JinGA". *That* is a very endearing Southernism.

JinGA

To the OP, how is your relationship with DD? Can you talk to her and tell her how you feel? I know it would break my heart to hear my DS call someone else mom, but he's 19 and knows better. At 10, I'm not sure if he would have automatically known but I would have been able to tell him my feelings on the matter.

I don't believe it is appropriate to call anyone else "mom" or "dad" except for the person who raised you as your parent, and even then only if there is no "real" parent in the picture. My DS was raised by a man other than his biological father. My first XH abandoned him at the age of 1 so my current STBX was the only "dad" he knew. He began calling him "dad" around when he started school. He still calls him "dad" today. Had XH stuck around, I would have put a stop to it - not because XH deserves that sort of respect but because he is the father. When he abandoned us, he gave up his right to that title.

You have not abandoned DD and are still very much a part of her life. Whether this woman marries your X or not, it makes no difference. You are the mom.

I live in South Dakota, that is the the upper Midwest!!!! Some people assume because it is "South" Dakota we are in the south, we're not!!!! Anyways, I am Miss Dawn to students and staff here at school, also at church and with the kids and parents that I work with in the bowling world.

I didn't like being called Mrs. B----- anymore and have told people when I here that I look for my xh new wife!!! So they oblige me and say Miss Dawn and according to my kids you can something about Miss Dawn out in public and someone else will say you mean the lady at school, so that is how I am know!!! I kind of like it!

Dawn

I had a step mom at the age of 13 who raised me more as a mom than my real mom and I never called her anything but by her given name "Debbie". I have another step mom now and I also refer to her by her given name "Barb" and my kids do also. It kind of irks me when I hear my oldest brother's children call her "Gramma Barb" as she isn't anything but a step grandma to them but that was my brother's and his wife's decision to allow it. My mom and my dad have EARNED the right to be called Gramma and Grampa. My other brother's kids and my sister's kids all refer to her as mine do...simply "Barb"



I think, no i take that back, I KNOW I would be livid if I heard my kids call another woman "mom" be it a step mom or just a girlfriend. I wouldn't let my kids call another man "dad" other than their dad. It's all about respect. JMO

Also we have friends and relatives from the south that refer to me as Miss Ronda and I love it. It's just something we Yankee's don't do up here in the north unfortunately.

I do however make my kids show respect to elders though by using Mr. Dr. Mrs. Ms (insert last name). Also for teachers they use Yes Sir and Yes Ma'am when being talked to directly. Thats what was taught to me and I've handed it down to my children. I still to this day refer to my parents friends as Mr. & Mrs. so and so.

Wow Newly, I don't know what to say. My first reaction is that I'd throw a nutty if that happened to me - so outside what I'd ever think would happen, you know? I remember calling some of my best friends' mothers "mom" when I was in high school. Never detracted from my own mother. My kids call the girlfriend Miss D..

Maybe that's what the ex and girlfriend want and your daughter is taking the path of least resistence?

My youngest SS would sometimes call me "mom" or his mother's husband "dad". Since I love the boys like my own, it always made me feel good because it meant they were confortable with me even though I knew it was just a slip.

I'm reminded of when I was little and my family made a big deal over a cousin calling my widowed grandfather's new wife "grandma". They have been married close to 40 years now. I still don't see what the big fuss was after all these years. What we call her doesn't change how I think of her or make me love my other grandmothers any less.

I suggest that you ignore it. If DD keeps doing it in front of you, she might be trying to push your buttons. I would be more concerned about why. If it's just because she has come to see her as a mother figure, don't take it personally. You're still THE MOM.

I also called a few of my closer friends Mom's "Mom" just because I was always at their houses and they treated me like one of the family...including birthdays, weddings and holidays.

This would NOT work for me. I'd ask your daughter, not grill but ask, if the GF asked her to call her mom. If so, talk to the gf tell her no, nicely of course, if that's how you feel.

Like AGE, my friends and I sometimes played with calling each other's mother "Mom." I also remember references to certain close friends and friends of the family as "brother" or "sister." I think teens sometimes play with ideas of kinship as a means to explore their own feelings and where they stand.

In your daughter's case, is there any chance she is trying to subtly encourage her father to marry the woman?

But I understand your feeling of distress.

Thanks for the responses. This was not done to get to me, more likely to stroke the GF. DD definitely wants a settled life and thinks dad will marry GF. (My guess is that each thinks the other has money and they are in delusional world).
From what I hear, she treats my kids well, but her kids always come first (from DD). DD8 says she never calls her mom. Now, they don't even live together so I don't know why this would even come up.
I talked to DD about it a little. A friend suggested I talk to X about it (but X never talks to me, so I dont' know how that would work out).

In our family, we called close friends Aunt & Uncle, and I encourage my kids to do that. They see my cousins and friends far more than their actual aunts. X always hated that, said they are not real relatives. Contradictory here?

I've been away, so perhaps we'll talk more this weekend. I'm tired of getting stuck in Canada. Can't get out of Canada for some reason, there are always flight delays. Home at 1 am.

For what it's worth, I called my best friend's mom, Mom... in fact even my best friend as an adult, I called her mother, Mom. Nobody thought anything of it.

My DD's best friend sometimes calls me "Mom" and my DD sometimes calls her mom, my friend, "Mom".

Everybody understands it's sort of an honourary term.

Much different when a parent's new SO is involved. I'd have blown a gasket if my kids had called my XH's (X?)GF Mom and I'd never EVER expect my kids to call anyone "Dad" except for their father. However my kids are older now, and there's no step-parents on the horizon for either XH or me, although I am dating somebody that I see as having long-term potential. That's still a far cry from a "Dad" status.

My DD's best friend has a step-dad (mom remarried) and she calls her mother's husband "Dad" - as well her biological dad is still in the picture, but he lives far away -they are still close. She's effectively got 2 dads - the live-in married stepdad as well as the bio-dad. Everybody's happy with that and stepdad has been married to her mother for over 7 years now.

Like I said earlier - depends on the dynamic and the people.

JinGA

Thanks. The different views help. I don't think it is appropriate in this case.
I tell the kids that you can't have too many people who love you, and that love grows and grows and grows. Still, I will have a discussion with dear daughter about the Mom issue.

Is your DD pretty headstrong? Ours decided for herself what she was going to do, and it didn't really matter what anyone said to her.

I'm a full-time custodial step mom. When my H and I started dating, DD was 2 and DS was 5. Custody at that time was 50/50, and H and bio-mom had an agreement that the kids had one mom and one dad -- no one else got those names.

I agreed and the kids called me by my first name. DD randomly started calling me mom one day when she was 3. We talked to her and said "You have a mommy, she loves you very much, and mom is a special name for her. I love you very much, too, so we can think of another name for me or you can call me (my first name)."

That helped a little bit, but DD would still on and off alternate between mom and my first name, whatever she felt like. It eventually wasn't worth the battle to continue correcting her. Bio-mom was furious (understandably, although in her case hypocritically because she was re-married and had the kids call her H "Daddy FirstName"), and would "discuss" it with DD all the time. The problem was that every time bio-mom would get onto DD, DD would just get more adamant about calling me mom.

Anyway, the on and off lasted until bio-mom moved away and saw the kids less often. When H and I got married, DD dropped the "off" at all and never uses my first name anymore. DS tries the mom label once in a while but usualy uses my first name. When we got married, he asked what he should call me. I told him whatever he wants, as long as it was respectful. So he usually goes with my first name.

That's probably more detail than you needed. My real point was that maybe you can help your daughter come up with a different special name for the GF. That might be more productive than letting her know it gets under your skin. If she can have some input and come up with something nice and affectionate, without taking away the mom name, it might be a natural easy fit for her, and something that you can live with more easily. And as much as the "Miss So-and-So" stuff is sweet and polite, it's not really endearing or affectionate -- and I think that that's what your DD is going for -- some way to show affection.

I agree that an involved mom should get exclusive rights to that title. In our case, though, DD didn't really care what anyone else agreed to -- she decided for herself. If that's part of the problem you're running in to, too, then I think that making it a team approach with your DD might be more productive than coming from a "this bothers me" angle. At least that would have probably worked better for Bio-mom with DD.

-AmI.

I'm trying to understand it, and not dwelling on it with her. I've asked the little one and she said she's only heard older one say it twice (and wondered why I was bothered).

My concern lies more with the boundaries (which X oversteps) and also with my DD's bonding with this woman, who I am not certain he will marry.
This is an odd family. Kids came home 2 weeks ago and said they'd voted their aunt out of the family. Huh?
"Well, she won't see us so we voted her out and won't bother with her." This is the closest blood cousins they have and they've written them off.
So, I'm trying to teach the kids that many people love them, but also to try to extablish boundaries while they reach out to expand their network of "family of choice".
A very hard balancing trick.

I think too children have limited empathy. If names and labels aren't really important to OD, she may be unable to understand how hurt you are by it.

Here's one other thought I just had... It was a slip of the tongue. I'm constantly calling my girls each other's names. They sometimes call me Daddy. LOL. It could be, newly, that K was thinking about seeing you, and it just slipped out.