I have been reading for a while...my story is like so many others I never realized how common all this was. I have been married for two years and together with my H for 5 total. Last year he started a friendship with a girl he worked with that I felt was innapropriate and we discussed it due to excessive cell phone calls. I thought at that time all was fine. Recently looking at the cell phone again I noticed the calls after I went to bed at night, when I left the house, on the way home from work. I was also getting the I love you but am not in love with you speech along with lots of other lines I have seen repeated here many times. I asked several times if he was having an affair always he denied it. Well this girl got fired from her job and she had left some voicemails and e mails that were discovered. The voicemail was him saying he loved her blah blah blah. I asked him again and he still denied it and said don't you tell your friends you love them and call them sweetie?
Then the e mail which I did not actually read but found out they had gone over to the motel by work and things were not the EA I feared but a full blown PA. I finally confronted him with my knowledge, told his parents, told my family and all my friends. He stayed with his Mom for a week and I asked him to come home after realizing being apart was not good for a chance at recovery. He came home...he is sad he is in withdrawal and so far has broken NC twice the second time being in person. However he told me "don't worry I did not even kiss her" I brought up no contact again and he said "I'll try"
I am trying to go with plan A and being very supportive of what he is going through. I love him and I know he is hurting however I am hurting too and it sure is hard. Somedays we have good days and somedays not so good. It seems like if we are intimate in any way the next day he gets depressed. She is the one that has broken the NC twice because her husband found out and she called him freaking out.
In Plan A is it ok that I help him understand these feelings he is going through are normal and they will eventually pass if he would just try.

Welcome. Be sure to let her husband know that she is still contacting your husband. That ought to cool things a bit.

In the meantime, do a good Plan A. Also before you can recover, your husband needs to figure out why he had an affair after only one year of marriage. It doesn't bode well for the future.

Yes her husband knows the two times she contacted him was supposedly due to her husband freaking out.

My husband is getting IC but not sure that it is accomplishing much. He is extremely non confrontational and has a real problem communicating. He also tires of things quickly I just never thought it was people only things. He tries to ignore problems instead of addressing them in hopes they go away...or he does not have to think about them if he ignores them. He did go to the doctor and is now taking antidepressants which have seemed to help as he is not crying so much anymore. however that might simply be because he is relieved of the stress of living a lie. I know we have not been married long but I told him I love him and I know it would be easy for me to walk away but I will not do that. However I am struggling...some days are good some days are bad....but we never fight...we never have.

"but we never fight...we never have."

I know you think that is a good sign, but actually it isn't. I used to believe that too, until I did lots of reading here.

You never fight because you are likely two conflict avoiders, or else one person always gives in to the other.

Learning how to resolve conflict in a marriage is crucial.

Was he faithful BEFORE you married or were there some red flags?

Looking back now I see red flags. He was married previously to a girl that was an addictive gambler and together they were both lazy and procrastinators. At the time I worked with him and we were friends. I had been told right when i started there that he had asked for a divorce if things did not change and one of the many issues was her lack of interest in sex. Moving forward our friendship became stronger and we he moved out of the house we began dating. He did not tell me he loved me until after we dated for three months. Looking back I think we did have conversations that were inapropriate but I did not take this womans husband but I think perhaps he used his interest in me as a catalyst to get out of a situation instead of confronting it.

Now he has not only slept with this girl but he thinks he is in love with her and she is the love of his life. It is like he has gone off the deep end. He is no longer speaking to his family since they told him he is crazy and I don't understand why he would jeapordize he life for this thing that in my opinion is not even real.

Yes my husband is a conflict avoider and I am a VERY strong personality and I am also very mothering both of which I need to address on my part. Since this happened I will admit he has been more honest with me than he ever has. I have printed out the EN questionaire and the LB questionaire but not sure when the right time to give them to him is since he is in withdrawal. I did print out a copy of truehearts letter for him to read so he might understand he is not alone

"Looking back I think we did have conversations that were inapropriate but I did not take this womans husband but I think perhaps he used his interest in me as a catalyst to get out of a situation instead of confronting it."

Doesn't this sound familiar to you now?

yes it most certainly does and it makes me sick. I told his mother that my greatest fear is I did to her what is being done to me now. Everyone assures me I did not and their marriage was a totally different thing but I don't believe so. I think my husband has issues but regardless I love him and I want him to hopefully get past this and learn to address things and communicate and confront things. In turn I certainly have things to do as well. I just cling to hope that in fact we can come through this and obviously not have the same relationship we did when we had innocense but maybe have a better relationship that we learn from all our mistakes. That is my hope at least.

Can I give him the questionaires while he is going through withdrawl?

Yes you can, but don't expect him to be too interested. I would also get counseling from the Harleys if you can afford even one session. I'm afraid your husband is going by a pattern.

You see, honorable men don't become attached to other women until AFTER they divorce. If there is no SF, the wife is a real b*tch, crazy, mean, WHATEVER, they get divorced instead of trolling for a better model.

No doubt about it no one that cheats on their spouse is anything close to being honorable in fact it is about as low as I can think of a thing to do.
I am hoping someone can help me decide when the best time to give him the questionairres are....during withdrawl?
I wish i did not love him the way I do, I wish this did not hurt so much, I wish I could make everything go back to when he was "in love" with me. I know nothing will ever be the same as it was including me. I just hope that we can make something better