I wanted to post this over here and get your thoughts rather than on another board where people’s feelings may be more raw.

I was replying to Carina Dream’s post about the end of her relationship, and that got me thinking about rebound relationships.

Rebound relationships seem to be primarily about using someone to fill a gap, or dull the pain. And isn’t it interesting how many times people come together who are both going through a divorce at the same time? Or have just gotten divorced? Then, when the person is more healed, the relationship fades away, or just suddenly ends. And the other person is left wondering what the heck just happened. It was so perfect.

Okay, so that is pretty self-evident, huh? But… Then, I thought about affairs. With the exception of ONS, affairs are very like rebound relationships. They are born out of desperation and overwhelming need. The relationship is based on escape from pain, and as Harley points out, in most cases the OP only meets one or two needs extremely well. In other words, once those needs diminish, most affairs will end, and one person may be left thinking “What the heck?” Also, both rebound relationships and affair relationships are essentially selfish, although in rebound relationships only one person may be acting selfishly.

The major difference between the two seems to be the depth and breadth of the destruction. Rebound relationships cause pain only to one person or maybe two. Affairs wreak havoc on many people’s lives, with ripples extending out from the married couple, through family, friends and acquaintances.

However, I still think the underlying dynamics of the relationship may be the same.

Did you see the ribbon icon on the post? I'm awarding my mini-essay a prize. (Joking, of course)

Very interesting thoughts and a lot of truth to this. It also raises a few questions. What about the people who are involved? Is someone in a rebound relationship in a similar fog to a WS in an affair? Having an affair involves hurting other people and associated guilt but a rebound doesn't - does this affect things? We know that affair relationships have a poor track record (i.e. rarely last), but what about rebound relationships? Has anybody ever looked at it? Is there a way to know if you are rebounding or just moving on with your life? Is it that important to know anyway since it's entirely possible that a non-rebound relationship will also end one way or another as you get to know each other better and discover more and more incompatibilities.

Interesting thoughts. Another good reason to wait at least 2 years after divorce to begin dating. AND to be sure that the one you are interested in is as far along past divorce as YOU are.

I agree. Much less destruction. Unless you introduce your kids to the new person, in which case there could be loss and disappointment for them as well.

Also, let's think about the Exit Affair - a shortcut out of a bad marriage. Same pacifier effect as a Rebound Relationship, gotta have something to cushion your landing. Less honorable than the Rebound Relationship.

Interesting gg. I've gotten into 2 rebound R's since my Dv. Not my rebound, theirs, and both actually ended up going back to their XGF's after insisting up and down it was over! Stupid me, I know... but it's been hard to find men who've been out of an R for a long time, so I took a chance despite all the advice I've read here... I don't plan to make this mistake again!

So many people seem to jump from R to R, I guess because they hate to be alone. I'm not crazy about being single, but after 7 years wit a few short-term R's, I'm getting used to it.

As for the "fog", I think every R begins with a "fog", not just A's. It's that rush of chemicals that we call infatuation and falling in love. And it wears off in every R, to be replaced in longterm R's with other chemicals that keep us attached, if the necessary elements are there. If they're not, we wake up and wonder what we were thinking, as in some A's ~ though not many of our X's here on this board, LOL, since we're the ones who ended up single!

In fact, maybe it was those attachment chemicals that kept some of us BS's hanging on long after we should have let go ~ I'm talking about myself here! My XH was an alcoholic/addict, verbally abusive, a liar, and a serial cheater. Now that it's all behind me, I realize I'm much better off without him, even going through heartache over failed R's with what turned out to be unavailable men.

Your last statement is interesting Bellevue. Is a RR honorable or dishonorable (or neither)? Affairs are terrible because of the path of destruction they leave behind. RRs may hurt one or both of the people involved, but they are unlikely to hurt anybody else. Good point about the kids, but kids could be hurt by any relationship you have - rebound or otherwise. I would think it prudent to wait until ANY relationship has developed a ways before introducing the new person to the kids - or at least involving them in the kids lives. It's probably wise to at least introduce them to someone mom or dad is going out with (so that person isn't a stranger) but not wise to involve that person in the family to the extent that the kids develop their own relationships with them - if that makes sense.

I feel they are both very similiar as neither is based on a strong foundation. Normally both situations are because someone is very unhappy and looking for happiness (and that is a terrible way to start a relationship!)

The difference I feel though is in an affair, the WS knows what they are doing is wrong. They are breaking their wedding vows and cheating on their spouses. In a rebound, many times the person rebounding honestly thinks they are ready to date and since they are single, they feel they are not betraying anyone.

I rebounded with a wonderful woman about 1 1/2 years after my X moved out. I thought I was ready and I wasn't. We hit it off great but I kept overlooking some very serious compatibility issues because this woman eased the pain of my divorce. Finally those issues got to be too much for me and I broke it off and it hurt both of us in the process (including her young children that don't have a father figure).

Had I been healthy emotionally... I would have only dated her a few times because I would have noticed the areas we were not compatible in (areas that are very important to me)

This month is 3 years since my X left and I do believe that I still am not ready to date... Or maybe I just don't want to??? I don't know the answer to that yet.

i think you are right in that people tend to want a relationship to fill missing pieces. however i can just as easily believe someone who's been single for a long time may just as well become involved with someone cause they are lonely. and what classifies a r as a rr - just because one doesn't marry that person? it's also possible that some people are just jerks or don't know how to handle a real relationship. can the failure be due to someone else and not just yourself?

Actually, neither honorable or dishonorable. Because one is out of the marriage already. My unclear writing.

Oh, I'm so glad you all chimed in. I was a little worried I was off my rocker. And yes, I definitely think there's fog involved in a rebound relationship. I wonder though, how much fog is there in an Exit Affair? From what I've read, people tend to know that the EA partner isn't "the One."

I think Exit Affairs are one reason why I get uneasy when a BS ascribes "fog" to everything the WS has said is wrong with the marriage.

I just had a really sad thought. Just imagine if your WS said to you, "The truth is I'm not in love with OP, although I really like her. It's just that I'd much rather spend time with OP than with you. I like her better, even if I don't love her." "You're leaving me for someone you LIKE? Just LIKE?"

i would think a lot of people may be knowingly entering into a rebound relationship and thus not really have fog. and i think it's a matter of that person not being honest with the other person.

Ok...going to ask a question here...

I think we can pretty much agree on the definition or have a very common understanding of an exit affair... But how would you define a rebound relationship? Just some thoughts. There doesn't seem to be a real solid definition here. What is the difference between a rebound relationship vs. a normal relationship that just doesn't work out?

Xetta,

The end may be the same if they neither work out but the relationship itself will be different. The person rebounding will most likely overlook compatibility issues because their dating partner is soothing the pain from their breakup/divorce. So, when rebounding, we will accept partners that we would not date if we were emotionally healthy.

Someone that is rebounding is normally hurting. The relationship is novacaine to ease that hurt. But as we all know, novacaine wears off and the pain returns.

Another way of looking at it... someone rebounding NEEDS a relationshp while an emotionally healthy person WANTS a relationship.

I asked about the above question because I am afraid of rebounding with the new relationship that I have with a really nice guy. I don't want to hurt him and that is my fear. As it is, we are taking things slowly. Sometimes I feel like it is too slow, and then I do remind myself that slow is just fine.

It is frightening getting back out there dating especially after being burned so badly. I remind myself constantly that new guy is not ex and that I have to learn to trust again, slowly... The guy that I am seeing went through a particularly nasty divorce lasting two years. I believe that he did go through a rebound relationship already. I know that he did have a live-in gf for awhile but things didn't work out. I guess I am not so concerned about his head being on straight, but mine. I want to avoid the rebound as much as possible. I guess the question is: Can a rebound relationship be avoided???

Xetta, I am in the same boat. I'm "dating" a man who I've known for many, many years. He left his WW one year before my WH left me. They (him and WW) were friends of ours (me and WH) before and he has been around (though not involved in any way) during my whole separation (we all play baseball together). We began "dating" around the beginning of September so only 4 1/2 months after my separation. By dating, I mean getting together and/or calling on the phone for reasons other than baseball. He has had a variety of 1st dates and one relationship before me. He has indicated that he is concerned that I'm rebounding but he's willing to take the risk. OTOH, he's also been through this and has been very supportive and careful not to push me or our "relationship" further than I'm ready to go. I put that in quotes because it is really more like we are very good friends, though I'd be lying if I said there wasn't romantic interest.

So for me, I'm not only concerned that he could get hurt (though he is fully 100% aware of the situation and risks). But also that he was a friend before this happened and, though we were not as close as we are now, I value that as well. I can't say right now if I am rebounding or not, though at the end of it all I'm sure I'll look back and it will be obvious either way. Other than this guy, I've had one disasterous date with a vegetarian stalker and 2 attempted pick-ups by bar creeps, so I'm a pretty good candidate. I would not have started seeing this guy if I didn't already know him - I already had a certain level of comfort around him and knowing what happened to him last year was sort of a common bond between us.

Xetta, If you're taking it slowly, you probably aren't rebounding.