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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97 |
Here's my previous thread. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=6#Post3292478So as an update from my previous thread from a few weeks ago. We're now seeing a MC. We have our second session tonight. Things seem to be going relatively well. I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that the OM was the one who broke it off with FWW. NC is in place but how am I supposed to deal with this?? I feel like the chump that she comes home to after her boyfriend breaks up with her.
BH - Me 25
WW - 25
D-Day - Aug. 11 2007
NC - Late Aug. 2007
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604
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Posts: 604 |
No matter how you feel: No LBs!
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97 |
Well, I haven't been LBing lately. Our marriage is holding together at the moment, I still have all these feelings of pain and resentment.
BH - Me 25
WW - 25
D-Day - Aug. 11 2007
NC - Late Aug. 2007
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that the OM was the one who broke it off with FWW. NC is in place but how am I supposed to deal with this?? What are you having to deal with EXACTLY?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97 |
Second/third/fourth thoughts about our marriage. She says that she wants to be with me now but I don't believe her. I feel like I'm just her fall back guy.
BH - Me 25
WW - 25
D-Day - Aug. 11 2007
NC - Late Aug. 2007
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 303
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Don't look a gift horse in the mouth...
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 97 |
Sorry I don't know what that expression means. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
BH - Me 25
WW - 25
D-Day - Aug. 11 2007
NC - Late Aug. 2007
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,715
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Cubed-
What you're feeling is NORMAL. I'd bet that all of us BS's have experienced it...I darn sure know that I did.
With time...with WORK...with RECOVERY...that feeling WILL pass.
I had the exact same issue. OM broke it off with my wife, so she didn't fly away to live with him. She didn't end it of her own choice.
But she's VERY glad it worked out the way it did now. And so am I.
Take your time...be honest about how you feel in MC...but try not to LB through all of it either.
Trust me...it gets better.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Cubed, when a crackhead is seperated from his crack, it matters not a BIT how that seperation took place once the crackhead sobers up and recovers. It matters not a whit in the potential love she can feel for you if you follow these principles.
Your W is seperated from her CRACK now and it matters not at all how that happened. I assure you that her affair with this punkboy would have crumbled anyway. The fact that he dumped her instead of vice versa does not make you less of a MAN.
You will always be #1 when compared when compared to a scumbag.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
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We all probably had the fantasy that our spouse would wake up one day and choose us. Doesn't happen very often. The affair is just a fantasy where everything is perfect and it is very difficult to compete with that.
It doesn't matter at all why the affair ended, just that it did. Now what matters is how you handle recovery. After going through all this, you must not settle for the same old marriage.
You don't even have to question your choice to stay with your wife. Everyone has a kind of buyers remorse. You need to work hard on the marriage and realize that you don't have to make any final decisions right now.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
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Cubed,
I have news for you. It's better to have the OM break it off with your WW than the other way around. It makes recovery for your WW much easier. You don't have to worry about your WW wondering about whether or not she made the right decision going back to you if the OM ended it for her. OM ending it also ruins the fantasy of her and OM being "soulmates." You wanted another chance at your marriage. Make the most of it. Remember, recovery is a two year process. Stick with it.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
It's better to have the OM break it off with your WW than the other way around. It makes recovery for your WW much easier. You don't have to worry about your WW wondering about whether or not she made the right decision going back to you if the OM ended it for her. Jim, you just reminded me, DR HARLEY MADE THIS VERY POINT ON THE RADIO LAST WEEK! You are EXACTLY RIGHT! He said it is actually BETTER if the OP ends the affair because that means the WS can't go back! There is nothing to go back FOR.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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