What would you do if your husband goes to a different state for a job training. And then, comes back home with some condoms with him.

His excuse was:
--he wanted to prepare for me when he comes home
--he wanted to surprise me

My question was:
--why couldn't he buy the condoms here when he came back home?
--why couldn't he buy it with me, since i picked him up when he returned?

On top of that, he didn't give me any other explanations when i asked him those questions.

My question now:
--do i have a right or reason to wonder?

And even if he was telling the truth, don't you think that i still have a right to wonder and ask too many questions because he should bought them here and it's not my fault that he didn't?

In addition to coming home with condoms, i also found his laptop computer with alot of porn video searches.

And then, just about 4 weeks ago, i found condoms inside the pocket of his backpack. and it is the backpack he brings to work everynight. the condoms were taken by him from our kitchen counter where i put it somewhere under something.

His excuse was:
--he grabbed it because my nephew was coming over and he didn't want him to see it and take it.
--he grabbed it and put it in his backpack because the he had the backpack at that time.

My question was:
--why didn't he give me the condoms to hide it somewhere else?
--why didn't he just hide it himself somewhere in the house instead of putting it in his backpack, especially it doesn't even take long at all to go to the room from our kitchen?

So, what would you think if you were in my position?

Welcome to MB, ISC...

I read your first post yesterday, as well.

They were very different posts in some ways, and the same, in others.

What I hear you asking here is what you're entitled to as a wife...to be heard, heeded, respected, told the truth and you deserve to have an open and honest marriage but your WH won't comply.

You were told he was having an EA by a poster...and I didn't see a response to Tabby's reply to you. I saw this post.

I'm sharing my perception...doesn't make it fact, 'k? My opinion is just an opinion. I'm posting to you from love and respect...not bashing or blaming you for anything. I'm challenging your point-of-view, not who you are.

First lesson in infidelity for a BS is to stop expecting to get truth out of fog. That goes for the WS and the BS...for BS can have their own fog...comes from the same formula the wayward state of mind does...

Here's the formula (which Gimble here on MB shared)...

An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

I share this so you will see these distinct components in yourself really well, and thereby see them in your WH.

This formula generates fog...and you can smell fog when you hear justifications...you did, so I had to do...or if you hadn't, I wouldn't have...

Those aren't real because humans do and don't do...by choice. Period. Even what they base their choice on is their own...we aren't so powerful as to make anyone anything but a sandwich. That's human truth. We sure can experience life as if the opposite were true. I know I have.

Step out of your interrogation mode of your WS and back into your own seat of power. You have the ability to ascertain The Truth instead of spinning your wheels getting HIS truth and challenging it as the truth. His truth is his own thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, feelings and perspective...his own justifications, etc are not THE truth...just his.

Separate that from actions to get clear on The Truth...for actions are The Truth.

Why? For clarity...which is your goal on this thread...to get clear on what is the truth...infidelity or not.

How can you know the truth? You snoop. You investigate...and you don't use an emotional rubber hose on the suspect...you gather independent evidence.

Cell phone records (you mention in your first post on the other thread how long they talk...look at the records going back several months and add up minutes and figure averages on daily/weekly/monthly).

You mention him transferring to this coworker's area in the company...was she along on this trip he just took? Is she married? Have a boyfriend (BF)?

I advise you to install a keylogger onto your computer if you suspect they are also emailing, or chatting on websites...or instant messaging.

If not, you consider having him followed by a private investigator, a coalition of friends...to verify, not confront. Gathering evidence is not using it...it's you gaining the truth through verification, not persecution, 'k?

There is a thread here called Spying 101...look it up and learn about voice-activated tape recorders, GPS and other stuff you can choose to know...to know.

So you obtain the truth through independent means...because that's within your power...which balances your human limit of making anyone, at anytime, tell you the truth...or for you to "divine" whether they are or are not telling the truth. You're both limited human beings without psychic power (thankfully due to God's design).

So decide right now if you want to know the truth or if you want to be able to verbally make your WH tell you it...

They are two different goals...one respects who you are and the other disrespects reality. You already have a conflict-avoiding spouse (chooses fantasy over reality)...do you really believe you're being respectful and bringing reality if you go into fantasy yourself?

Stay grounded here...You are not alone...you have hundreds of people who have posted and are posting here who have been through what you are going through right now. Who know the deep frustration from feeling lied to...pain from exclusion, intense anger from entitlement, the long abrasion from creating and holding onto resentment, and the relief of knowing the truth is obtainable...which opens the door to all of our own power, which we were trained to give away and call it love.

And we all did it from reading all the articles on this website by Dr. Harley; reading his books, especially "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs"...we studied, learned and then acted from our knowledge, which we obtained...and many of us have transformed marriages after years of recovery...which we wouldn't trade for anything...even erasing the past.

Welcome.

In your corner,

LA

Everthing you said here really makes sense alot. Thank you for making it clear to me. I guess it is just really hard to know how to face the problem and how to fix it. In addition to that, I am so confused on what to do and don't know what and how to think anymore.