I have been married for 3 years and it has been a wild ride pretty much since the beginning. Besides us having tried to conceive without success, she was also out of job for 1 1/2 year and all this put an enormous stress on our relationship.

Now things like seeing my friends 3 times a year bring a lot of tension and her usual way of defense is blaming everything instead of saying how she feels. Add to this a bit of paranoia that she feels many people want to harm her or mean bad things when it is not the case.

So the other day I told her I made an appointment with an MC. I said I wanted us to grow, and learn to better communicate. At first she refused to go but finally agreed to come to the first session and I was hopeful we could start a discussion and try to resolve issues. The evening of the first appointment she was calling her sister, crying. She told me she felt her self esteem was hurt. Then she claimed that all this was useless, a waste of time (even though each appointment is only 1 hour, and I have a bunch of free appointments covered by my company's benefits).

I have tried discussing issues before but I usually end up talking to a wall, not getting responses to my questions or her being so defensive that she criticizes everyone else and it doesn't advance anything. I have asked what she thought I should improve, I still haven't heard of any concrete proposal (she said I should be more "mature", but when I asked for something more specific... I got nothing).

Pretty much I feel like an emotional wreck at this point. The D word has crossed my mind more than a couple of times. I am open minded to suggestions and changes but I think she is afraid of losing face and admitting that she also needs to make changes. What do I do now?? I repeatedly asked her to try to tell me how she feels because I think this is the most important to me.

Has anybody been in a similar situation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Any thoughts appreciated.

CG

(as for my signature - this means "the beautiful train station", reference to a funny TV show <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are struggling in your R.

Don't lose help. This place can help. I'd suggest reading through the Basic Concepts while we discuss your situation on the forum. (PS: You'll get more help/responses if you post in the Emotional Needs section above ... it's much busier up there)

It's not clear to me.... are you saying she bailed out of your MC appt?

If she doesn't want to go then you go by yourself.

Ok, I haven't been clear... she attended the whole first session. I told her I appreciated that she took the time to come with me.

I failed to mention that she is Chinese. I am guessing in the Chinese culture talking about your own problems isn't encouraged and it made her feel as if she failed the marriage. Coming from Europe I think I have a culture that is more oriented toward problem solving.

MrAlias, Thanks for the advice. I will look at the Emotional Needs section too.