My husband has been very attentive since I busted him on the A August 31st. It's almost an unnatural thing. Anyway, he talks big plans daily with how he loves me and wants our marriage to be his priority.

I, however, can't get the thoughts of what went on out of my head. I am alone in my car for 3 hours every day going to/from work. I find that my mind always wanders over the events over and over again. I can't seem to make it go away! It makes me wonder if I'm even doing the right thing by thinking about working things out. Every time I look at him I see a liar and a cheat, not my husband, and not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Help me!

Well, the bad news is that it takes about two years to start feeling normal again. Most of us went through what you are going through now.

Has your husband told you everything that happened and answered all of your questions?

He has answered my questions and apologized over and over. It doesn't matter if he apologizes every minute of the day though. I can't keep the thoughts away.

He tells me he loves me and is sorry. I tell him I love him too, but it irks me that he did this to us. Half the time I want to throw him out and tell him he is not welcome here. Why am I willing to put myself through torment of the thoughts of what went on? What is this really going to prove in the end? I told him loving him did not make me a door mat for him to walk on. I also told him, and I mean it, if he ever has any contact with her again he is out the door period. I won't go through false recoveries with him. I'm too old for this, and won't put up with it.

I have had to cover up secrets and sordid things all my life. He knows the painful history I had growing up. He knows I have huge trust issues. How he could trample on my trust like this is almost too big a blow to bear. He is the only person on earth who knows things I have never revealed to anyone, not even my parents. I thought I could trust him completely. I just feel like a fool about trusting anyone 100%. Never again.

The Harleys say it is a mistake to ever trust anyone blindly. Kind of sad, isn't it? I always thought that was what marriage was all about.

You are under no compulsion to stay married to him. For some people, infidelity is a deal breaker. They don't come to MB, they just divorce there spouse. But most people see enough good in the marriage to try to save it.

But it does take around two years to feel okay again. And the awful thing is, it takes two years to feel better even if you divorce them.

HANG IN THERE! Been there, haven't left it yet, but it is getting better.

Why do you think you can't get it out of your mind? Have all your questions been truly answered? Is there something (triggers) that happens that causes you to think about it?

If all your questions have been answered could it be you are trying to figure out what went wrong and by playing this over and over you are still sorting it out? It was/is for me.

How was your M before the A? How long did the A go on? Who stopped the A and why? Do you feel some responsibility for the A? Such as something was lacking in your M and again you're sorting that out?

If nothing else I've been told an A is like a death happened and there is a grieving process you go thru. Orchid has the grieving steps as a link in her signature line. <a href="<http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=017604> " target="_blank">5 stages of grieving & Trueheart's letter </a>
Three hours driving by yourself is a LONG time for your mind to play tricks with your heart. Get a VERY upbeat CD and sing your heart out. Get a book on cd and listen...maybe even one of the Harley's books. Keep your mind busy with other things and accept you have to go thru the grieving process to get to a better place. And keep posting people here can help you work through this.

You have helped him start his healing, now he needs to help you start yours. Your healing will take longer since you have been betrayed.

Still recovery is possible. You will both have good and bad days. How you individually and collectively handle them is important.

Get a recovery plan in place by doing the following:

1. Read SAA, HNHN and the concept section above....together
2. Take the EN questionnaire....together
3. Then call Steve H @ MB for a recovery plan.... together
or find an MC in your area familiar w/MB concepts.

If you can't do these together.... you do them 1st.

Each of you will heal at different speeds and ways. Be patient but don't minimize anything.

After you start your healing you will go through a grieving process. Read my link about the stages of grieving. Then you will learn about closure. You can both participate in it.

Get started..... minimize your bad days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

You are so very new to this process and I for one can tell you it's hard. I'm 2+ years in recovery and not a day goes by that the thoughts creep into my mind. You may want to try to re-train your thoughts, such as...if you think "why did he do this?" think instead, okay he did this, what's done is done, he's sorry, now what can I do to make the marriage work? Concentrate on how to make your marriage better as opposed to wallowing in the misery of the whys. Frankly, there is no reason why. He could, he did and now he faces the real consequences.

You are on a long road my friend, stay strong, figure out what YOU want, what YOUR boundaries are in your marriage and if wants to join in those rules, let him engage, if not, then you have a very difficult decision to make.
It isn't easy and only YOU can decide if all the work will be worth it.