New here...so I hope someone can help. Please help me figure out what is wrong with me.

3 yrs ago my H decided to have a vasectomy against my expressed wishes. We had just had our 3rd child with a ten year gap between 2 and 3. It was a shock and not planned. We have always had a great marriage, but on some level because I tend to be very easy to please. I'm an old style wife who unless I have major issue with something tend to just ride along with things. This worked for us. Anyway, he told me of the plan immediately after the birth and I just went kind of quiet. The longer I thought about it the more I realized I was totally opposed to the idea. Now, here's the weird part where I usually loose someone (my couselors) it wasn't because I wanted another baby - it wasn't because I had never practiced BC even though we are Catholic (but that was always a sin I could STOP) - it was just because I didn't like the idea. Too forever - a sin that once done you couldn't undo - just not in my plans - just not how I wanted to end my fertile years esp. with a new born. So, the day before I confessed I hated the idea and I didn't want him to do it. He completely bowed up to me. He offered to not do it, but there were all sorts of mean, pushy things said and I crumbled....I didn't want him to be mad....I had a new baby to take care of....I needed it to be peaceful....I would "deal with it"..... But I just knew I was making a mistake. That day I again asked him not to go through with it and he just walked away telling me I was just being silly emotional because of the baby and hormones and this was the best plan. He went through with it and my world fell apart. Not only because he DID it (again not looking for more kids) but because he rejected my opinion on something so personal - he completely devalued me.

So, what's the part I'm here for??? Well, we've been to see someone for a long time. We have done very well. It took another year for him to really see that he had been wrong (I think this is part of my grudge - he just tried to wait me out). He has made major changes in his behavior, much more emotionally there - much more empathetic to my needs. He's become the man I *thought/pretended* he was for years. But I cannot seem to get past the resentment. I KNOW resentment will eat you alive. I KNOW it's not a good thing. I KNOW all the right answers, but I just stay pi**ed off at him in this specific area. It's like a part of me just can't stand that this is something I HAVE to LIVE with. If it were a car I would have sold it. If it were a woman I would have run her off (or killed her LOL), but this is something that I can't do a dern thing about and I HAVE to live with this choice for the rest of my life. It's like I feel it's too unfair. He went against me and now he has what he wanted AND I'm stuck with having to deal with it. What is so wrong with me that I can't get past myself after all this time???? Why can't I live in the present and let go of the past??? Someone tell me that eventually being forced to accept this will loose it's sting. Someone tell me that there is hope. I can't imagine that I will live the rest of my life hating this part of him and the past that I will screw up my entire future. I know that will happen but I feel completely without control to stop myself.

past_hurt, your issue isn't about your husband, it's about your need to please and be appreciated. You make a lot of concessions along the way, thinking that's the way to get your H to stop and say, "Wow, you're great!" Just like charity work, you can't give in or give up just for a payoff. One, you usually won't get it. Two, if you do get it, it still won't feel that good, because that's not really what you need.

Until you start living your life for YOU, and not for getting something from HIM, you'll always be angry. But the person you're really mad at is yourself, for being weak and having low self-esteem.

Sorry, but I just can't "feel your pain" ... you say you don't want anymore kids, and that #3 was more or less an accident, so what REALLY is the problem.

I just can't resolve how you would rather deal with another woman than with your H having a vasectomy ... as a BH, that makes absolutely no sense to me.

From my perspective, it appears that you're just LOOKING for something to be upset with your H about. You claim he is being more attentive and the H you always wanted ... just where is the problem here?