I will try to keep my post as short as possible. I am going thru a lot right now and really have nobody that I feel I can turn to.

After 10 yrs of marriage, I filed for divorce a few months ago because I could no longer subject myself to the constant unhappiness with my marriage.

This is actually the 2nd time that I filed. H has, in my opinion, been very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. During our first separation (divorce filed), we had decided to give the marriage another chance and start fresh. Leading up to the separation, he had shared very personal details that I shared with him with his father who then told others and it went thru the entire family (he has 7 siblings). He told his dad these things when he was really mad at me, I feel for revenge or to make himself out to be such a saint to put up with me. I was totally shocked when I heard from a family member that they knew these particular details that I had shared with nobody in the family other than H. Part of our "deal" with the reconciliation was that he was supposed to approach his father and tell him that it was inappropriate for H to have shared this personal info and it hurt me. After our reconciliation, he then backed out and said that it "would serve no purpose to do that." I explained that it would make me feel better. He still never followed thru.

As a result, I am guilty of not sharing with him anything that I don't want anyone to know. In better times, I have shared with him but for the most part, I have kept him at arms length about a lot out of fear that he would share with others those personal things when he gets mad at me.

In addition, I have been controlled thru much of the marriage. It became unacceptable to spend time with anyone without him being there. I guess because he feared that I was going out to talk badly about him. In addition, I was very much a people person when I met him and love to entertain and spend time with others. That is now a thing in the past. The friends that I used to have are gone now and I really don't have any friendships outside of the home, other than coworkers. My interests are a thing of the past...I used to enjoy so many things and there were 10000 excuses why I could no longer persue those interests (mainly because they weren't his interests).

Rarely has he bought me a gift during the marriage. I always have gone out of my way to pick out something special for him but I may get a card and a cheap grocery store bouquet. He knows that this has upset me but he still hasn't changed much.

There are so many more problems...too many to list.

Now that I have filed for divorce, even though I told him for years that I was unhappy and why, he now wants to try to work it out. I have agreed to go to a marriage counselor but feel that my "love bank" has been bankrupt for years. We do have a DS who has special needs and is taking this very hard. There has been no infidelity on either part.

Can this many problems be overcome? How do I not get myself into a trap where he backs out of agreements like he did last time?

I think that I am a pretty patient person and I probably should have left a long time ago. The abuse that I have endured has made me very angry and bitter. I know that my esteem is gone and I am no longer the fun, loving person that I used to be. It is affecting all of my relationships...with my family, my kids. I have become a hermit, keeping to myself, have no zest for life.

How can I get my H to see the intense pain that I have inside and can I ever reach the point of being happily married again? Will I ever become the happy person I once was?

I guess the question that sums it all up...

Can this be fixed and Can I be happily married?

There is nobody around me (coworkers, family, friends) who think that I should give him another chance...a tiger never changes his stripes. So is there any success stories out there? Should I order the CD's? Get telephone coaching?

Thanks!

Can you give examples of the abuse? People use this words so casually these days that it can cover a very wide range of behavior.

If the abuse falls into the common garden-variety Lovebusters, this marriage probably can be saved. If it is really scary, where you husband is intentionally trying to drive you insane, or in one example, forcing you out of the car 10 miles from home, then you've got a different kettle of fish.

A lot also depends on how motivated your husband is, and if you get a great marriage counselor. You need someone who is going to call your husband on the carpet if he doesn't hold up his end of a bargain. You may also need an MC who will step in if you start to pressure your husband into agreements he doesn't want to make. It doesn't sound like the decision to confront his father was arrived at using the Policy of Joint Agreement.
It takes guts to be a marriage counselor.

And then you need to be willing to give it time. Not in years, but at least in months. You need to be willing to try even though it feels awkard, unfair, and unpleasant in the beginning.

And you need a plan for success. That's why I really like MB, it's a plan for success. And it works. My ex husband was really withdrawn and I was miserable. (I know "ex" doesn't sound like success, but it is). I started doing Plan A. My ex husband fell back in love with me. Unfortunately, his "in love" feeling wasn't enough to motivate him to make the changes I needed him to make so that I'd feel that "in love" feeling for him. My ex suffers from the delusion that him feeling "in love" with me should be enough and that I should just love him no matter what he does or doesn't do.

That kind of mindset will wreck a marriage. How we treat each other determines how we feel about each other.

Examples of his abuse is sharing very personal things and rather than apologize, he said that he "shared" because people asked about those things or some other lame excuse. I think if he knows that it is going to upset me and it has in the past, you would do what you needed to protect your spouse.

He also has not allowed me to have friends on my own and always starts a fight if I spend time with anyone (even my mom) without him.

He has accused me of having online sex with men (where my teenage daughter has heard) which is absolutely not true.

When I have tried to get away from him when he begins accusing me of things that aren't true or any other reason to fight, he has torn the keys out my hand on the way out the door or will get a screwdriver to force himself into the room that I went to.

He calls me at work to argue about trivial stuff and I don't have an office. I work in a general area with others. If I tell him this isn't a good time, he continues to argue, if I hang up, he calls back.

We do the same job (we are both professionals) and make a decent living. I personally think that when my birthday or Mother's day comes around, he should buy me a gift. He won't hesitate to buy himself something nice and I know that he would be unhappy if I disregarded a special day for him.

I used to do all kinds of things when we met 12 yrs ago. I am much older now and I can't imagine that I want to do a lot of those things now, but I have no activities. I work full time, clean house, take the kids to their appts, do all the grocery shopping, cook, etc. I even buy his clothes for him. He tells me he needs 3 pairs of slacks, 5 shirts, etc and I go out, buy them, bring them home for him to try on and return them if he doesn't like or they don't fit. In the meantime, he is going to the gym (which I need to do more than him...I have gained 70 lbs since we met), going fishing, surfing, running, bike riding, etc. I sometimes don't go to family parties because I need to get stuff done around the house.

I have never asked him to give up anything. I have never kept him from visiting his friends. I actually encourage it, but he doesn't for me.

I'm afraid that he wants to work it out because the income in the house will almost be cut in half (he makes a little bit more than I do). He has had everything taken care of for him and I think he knows he will have difficulty finding a fool like me.

But, in his defense, I know that he is a good person. I think that he has a fear of intimacy and abandonment and that is why he is inconsiderate and clueless. He lost his mom when he was really young and had younger siblings and he felt the need to step in. I think he has a fear of losing someone he loves.

I think if he realizes this, he could be helped. I am miserable because he has lashed out against the one who loves him more than anyone. I would like for things to work out but I am afraid that after giving him a 2nd chance before, he didn't follow thru.

I think this new MC would hold him accountable, if we continued to see him if we reconciled.

I guess I need to look at Plan A....I thought that was just for affairs and how to win the spouse back.

Thanks for your input!