i never have had very many serious relationships. i only had 1 before i married and 1 since my marriage ended. and i know why now. because i can't stand the hurt of when it ends. the 1 before my marriage was not a healthy one at all. i was very young and it last over a year. it took me a long time to get over it. i threw myself into my work and avoided even dating for quite some time. then my marriage and that ending. and now my R with gekko ending this summer and about a month ago for good.

i do not handle the hurt very well. and each one seems to hurt a bit more. this hurts way more than my marriage ending did. i have to be honest and say i have been an emotional mess since june. up and down and just trying to completely forget only to continue to have contact and only hurt some more. (i have asked for absolutely no more contact anymore as i just can't handle it).

i am numb. i have my walls all back up. and the only way i think i am going to get over this and move on is to NOT have anymore contact with him at all ever. and i hate that because i would like to at least be able to be friends.

but i can see why now that i usually avoid serious ltr's. because it takes me literally months to get over them. i feel so deeply and love so deeply once i let my walls down and if it ends, i feel that very deeply too.

and i beat myself up over it. i KNOW it is NOT about me, but about him and all that he is NOT ready for. but i still have that part of me that feels like if i was more perfect, or thinner, or prettier, or younger, etc... this would not be happening. my therapist says that comes from my childhood and always basically having people say to me i was not good enough. very frustrating.

can anyone else relate to this? i mean not all relationships survive, so how do i prepare myself to be able to deal better when one doesn't? i was so cautious (i thought) about who i was giving my heart to. so i can't say that i just gave it to anyone. when i gave it, things were really good and by all accounts he did treat me very well. he just had some actions that screamed he was not ready for a committed R that i chose to ignore. i guess not ignoring things would be a place to start!

i mean it has just effected everything.i am usually a very organized scheduled disciplined person and i am just now starting to get myself back to being that way. this ending through me off so much that everything for me just kind of went to they wayside. i guess part of it too is because we were talking marriage and rings and me moving,etc.. so i took this R VERY seriously.

any input?

mlhb

mlhb,

Yes, I can relate to you 100% and probably many here can also. I am just leaving for work so I gotta run but will write more tonight.

Hang in there!

i do know what part of it is... we shared a sf relationship. and i DO NOT just give myself like that to just anyone. only if i am in a committed serious long term relationship.

we have a mutual friend, a couple i met down there that were friends with him also. the wife and i hit it off really well and i am so thankful for her as she has been there for me through all of this and never turned her back on me once. and she was pretty firm with me yesterday. she was like, mlhb, you are a christian woman and you gave yourself to gekko sexually and you know better than that. well, i believed we were heading for forever, and i don't necessarily shy away from a sexual relationship with someone i believe i am going to spend a ltr with. BUT, when i do, that is a very deep connection i have with that person. i shared something that i don't just share with any and everyone. so i can understand why the bible says to wait. because it is that much of an emotional attachment that you get from it. at least i do.

she was very blunt with me yesterday and told me to let him go completely. let someone else deal with him. let someone else be brought up and down. she said she doesn't think he is a bad person, but someone with very serious issues that i do not need to be brought down by. she said if i continue to hang on i will continue to get hurt. she said "look at what this is doing to you! be strong and let him go and don't let him have anymore contact with you" she likened it to feeding a stray cat, she told me to stop feeding the stray cat.

that was hard to hear. but i am sure she is sick of hearing me talk about him as well! when she knows darn well he will never commit to me and she doesn't want to see me getting hurt anymore. she said she felt awful having to so blunt to me because she didn't want to hurt me, but she is right. i told her i was not mad at her bluntness. i know she cares a tremendous amount for me and wants to see me back on track.

my point is, the 3 serious relationships i had were all sexual ones and i do believe that is part of why i have such a hard time getting over them. because that, to me, is the ultimate show of love and the ultimate bonding. and i don't take that lightly.

gotta go
mlhb

as a believer, what is the next thought/action that logically follows this? not that logic seems to factor much into matters of the heart.

not sure if i know what you mean ashes?

i believe the bible says we wait until marriage for sex because it is supposed to be between 2 committed married people. i think part of that reason is so we don't get hurt. now, i MAKE the choice to be sexual in a relationship if it is a long term one, i.e., a bf who is being exclusive with me and we have been dating for several months and i know it is headed for long term. but, we NEVER know how even a long term relationship is going work out now do we? so when i make that choice, i am doing so at my own risk.

when i truly deeply love someone and believe they feel the same for me, i want to share myself that way so we can be bonded in that way. that is my ultimate commitment to them. so yes, when that relationship ends i am deeply wounded because i shared that part of myself with them and feel very bonded to them.

what is the logical next thing you ask? i don't know. i need to heal from this and get over it. and i will need to decide when i do have another relationship ( and it will be a definite while before i am ready for that) whether or not i want to allow sex to be a part of it. and if i do, then i take that chance again if it does not work out, that i will be feeling as i am now: very sad.

and i do not blame gekko for that part, it was a choice that i made. i wanted to share myself with him because i love him and it brought us very close together, and i truly believed, i TRULY BELIEVED we would spend forever together.

i am just learning that i think this is a big part of why i feel so wounded, one of the reasons anyway, when a relationship ends for me.

my friend christy has advised me that she does not think i should have sex at all before marriage. those are her true christian beliefs and convictions. she was very blunt with me about that and says she feels i never should have had that kind of relationship with gekko at all. so....

mlhb

i just meant now that you learned it, were you going to do anything with that knowledge or just accept the fact that it will eventually lead to a greater heartbreak later on. i believe you are right, that a lot of it is protecting ourselves. of course if you end up marrying your next commited boyfriend, that whole point is kinda mute in terms of safeguarding your heart. heck even when we get married, we believe that relationship is going to last forever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

not sure if christy is single, but it's a heck of a lot easier for married people to pass out advice like that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> however the longer i stay single, the more i'm leaning toward that stance too.

Hey Blondie!

I am sorry it's been so long since I have talked to you! Still hurtin bad aren't you? You didn't do anything any of the rest of us wouldn't have done in the same circumstance. Nothing you did caused this. Anytime you open yourself up to another person there is a chance it won't work out and someone will get hurt in the process. Don't keep beating yourself up. Don't beat gekko up either!

I'm sure he's hurting just as much! Something didn't click in the right place or time for the two of you. Doesn't mean it won't happen again with someone else. The only alternative to avoid pain like this is to wall yourself off forever. I don't see you doing that. You have way too much going for you and too much heart not to share it with the right guy.

Let yourself heal and when the time is right then go back out and jump back on the horse. In the mean time quit doubting every action and word that went on between the two of you. Talking it out is good for people like you and I but sometimes quiet reflection has its place too. Remember how good it was when the two of you were happy and decide to come away better for it instead of hurt by it.

I know you are going to be just fine and someday you are going to be telling me all about the new guy in your life and all of this will seem like a long time ago.

duk.

hey duk! good to see you.

i am not beating up gekko. bottom line is he has never been on the same page as me as much as i do think he did want to be. if you're not ready you're not ready. there were a lot of hurtful things said and done that i really wish we could have avoided but it is my fault that i did not watch his actions more closely. they screamed how much he was NOT ready for this.

i think gekko is a good man and i do still love him. i truly wish he was ready. but i will be ok. and i am sure he will too. he does not seem to have too much of a problem meeting women so when he is ready i am sure there will be someone there. wish it could me.

i am attractive and very easy to get along with and a very good catch, i know that. i just live in an area that has a terrible selection of men! but i am sure someone will come along eventually.....

keep in touch
mlhb

ashes,
christy is married. i am going to assume that who she married is the only man she was ever with, but i do not know that for a fact. i do know they have a good marriage and i admire their relationship. i admire her a lot. i think she has a good life. i was realllllllly looking forward to her and her husband and gekko and i all being friends and hanging out when i moved down there to be with him. i am sad that won't happen now, but i can always make plans with her on my own.

i think she said those things to me because she cares and she does not want to see me hurting anymore. she knows part of the reason i am hurting is because i am do bonded to him. and i am so bonded because we did have a sexual relationship. and that is why she was saying to me that that kind of relationship should only be for marriage simply for that reason. i get that. BUT, it is hard to stick with that when i am with someone i love, i want to share that part of myself with them, and lets face it, i enjoy sf as much as the next person! i was never forced. i didn't do anything i did not want to do. it just does make it harder when the relationship ends.

and i think she just wanted me to realize that. although i do truly believe that she thinks i should not have sex at all with any man until i marry them. that is pretty much what she told me. she said any man worth having and who truly loves me and wants to be with me will wait for me... and i am sure that is what god wants... and i can say that that is much easier said than done.

mlhb

M,
I think Duk is right. Focus on the good -- not the hurtful ending.
He enriched your life for a time. Its sad that time wasn't meant to last longer...but take your learnings, and appreciate the happiness you had.
Better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all....

And to look positively towards your future. Be absolutely certain that G was not the last great man. There is another one out there for you.

mlhb,

manage your process, not the outcome. . .

you expected the outcome, but you aren't managing your selection process, your learning and growth process. . .

manage your expectations and learn to use your discriminating radar, the one the figures out if a man has the values that you want. . .

you need practice with this, lots of practice to get it right. . but learn to NOT manage by outcome, your expectations, but manage by process, slow, learn about the other person, break up with the other person as soon as its apparent that he is not living up to yoru values.

if you can't learn how to manage your life process, you can expect the same outcomes. ..

wiftty

i will say wifty that i have always said that most woman would not have put up with what i did in the R. most women would have ended it long before it did end. if i had ended it as soon as his actions started NOT matching his words, it probably would not hurt so much right now.

of that i will admit.

mlhb

mlhb. . . who cares what most women would or would not do. . that statement is an artificial measurement to make yourself feel good or better, or entitled.

it does nothing to improve your decision making abilities or your situation. . .

you still need to practice reality based decision making. . which is the process. . . not the end result

actually, i think that statement makes me sound pitiful, not entitled. it makes me sound weak, not strong. when i say that statement i am saying to myself "why the ****** are you putting up with such behavior!" and that is what my therapist is making me look at. i am no martyr. nor do i want to be. he made choices that clearly showed he was not ready to be in a committed long term relationship. his words said otherwise. i needed to be heeding his actions NOT his words but i CHOSE not to. that is the behavior i must stop doing.

when someone continually pulls you in and pushes you away, they are clearly not ready and i should have completely removed myself from the equation at that point. but i did not. when he left here after visiting with his dd, broke up with me, then told me he still wanted to be in a dating relationship with me, that proceeded to go away that same weekend with a much younger woman, i should have seen those actions loud and clear, but again, i chose not to. i chose to believe him when he called a week later saying what a mistake it was and that he realized NOW he really wanted to be with only me and lets make plans for labor day weekend.

then when he cancelled those plans once again saying this was not going to work, i once again should have removed myself from the equation. but i did not. i tried, i really tried. but, when i tried, that is when he would pursue again. then this last time he did that, that is where i am now. and i know i can't do it anymore. i really believe this time there will be no more contact. i have taken the steps to ensure it.

i look over all of this and i see that that is what i must stop doing. i know i hang on because it is easier than dealing with this gut wrenching pain. i would rather stay in a relationship like that than to feel the pain of it ending. and that is how i have always been. that is why i stayed in my marriage so long. it was easier than dealing with the pain of it finally being completely over and me having to start all over.

what i need to do is change the behavior. what i need to do is nip things in the bud immediately even if it means i lose that person because if i lose them over me nipping things in the bud, than i don't want them anyway. the few times i tried to nip things with gekko i was made to feel very bad about doing it. so i backed down. i know i cannot do that. i cannot allow myself to be manipulated or to manipulate for that matter.

i do get it wifty, and i do know what i need to do the next time around. i have however been a wreck trying to deal with the hurt and loss, i will admit.

mlhb

not yet you don't get it . . . you can parrot back what you think i want to hear, or to convince yourself in a post, you are asking the right questions, but you don't understand the process yet, because you haven't practiced it successfully, and then you haven't mastered it successfully. .. then you will have gotten it. . . but not really until then. . . .

the process is to meet as many people as possible. . not for relationship purposes, but to practice your understanding and evaluative process. you can use the learning and evaluative process on any person, any gender, married or un married person. You begin by asking questions about their life, and show genuine interest in learning about them. . . learning about them not an inquisition about your mating potential. [/b] then you use your intuition to try and imagine what a relationship with this person would be like. . .

you do that by listening to their stories, and deciding what you would do in that situation, and then what the "emotionally" right action would be in that situation. . .

you can practice this with people in the salon chair. . if you can get them to talk about their personal lives, and then about their decisions. . .

what you are evaluating is their decision making ability, and how that fits in with yours. . . after they answer, you have to ask yourself, what would you do in the same siatuion? then you live your life accordingly. . .

the second part of getting it is once you understand emotional needs, and other's motivations, then you learn to immediately stay arm's length from those that have manipulative motivations. . . and continue with those who have genuine motivations. . .

so, what's your plan and your process. .?

wiftty

i don't have time to answer this post in full right now, but i will...

trust me however, i don't always agree with what you have to say wifty, so you are probably the last person i would type a response to where i would be worried about whether or not i was saying what i thought you wanted to hear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
and i mean that with all due respect of course...

i may be saying it to see it to convince myself of it, yes that may be true.

i will think on the rest and how to answer your question when i have more time.

mlhb